Morning Joe

Nothing like a good cup of coffee in the morning. I've been making instant. I can't find the espresso grinder. 

I met a guy named Joe. Sharp fellow. He keeps it simple. Joe's not into bullshit. He doesn't care about names. He doesn't use fancy words. But he understands them. Yep, we could use a few more Joe's.  I knew a George. He kept it simple. Oh but he loves those analogies. I seem to remember a Keisha... there was definitely a Beth... yep... a few voices here and there... 

What do these voices say?

You have a good goal...

Strong Boundaries...

Bipolar is one of the most over diagnosed things in the book...

Don't go back to the table...

Enmeshed...

Think for yourself...

Natural solutions...

Clozaril doesn't help you...

I don't want to talk to your family...

Medical leave...

Lean on your counselor...

Stay out of hospitals...

PTSD...

You're not dangerous...

Dissociation...

Journal...

Process...

Medical complex trauma...

Stay away from meds...

Don't go back to the same people...

Don't go back to same places...

Stay home...

Advocate...

The Pill Factory (Adult Content)

I like the buproprion. It's orange. My school color. Now, the propranolol's are blue... I look good in blue...

Ativan's yellow... I don't like yellow. Dirty. Pristiq is brown. I like brown. It's a good color... the prilosecs are white and purple like... that's creative... keep taking those... why they make hydroxzine white? I mean, come on! 

You take the blue pill, you go back to your life, like nothing ever happened... 

You take the red pill, you see how far down the rabbit hole this goes. 

I'm hunting wabbits... ders a Psychiatrist around the corner... ready to tell me my fortune and get an insurance payout. How many pills can they manufacture? I'll bury a few out back. See if they grow. Or we can just add them to the water supply. Nevermind fluoride. My teeth ain't broke yet.

Let's see... take a stop down by valium, turn left by klonopin... past what's that version of ativan that lasts longer? 

Ah. Minipress. Those were the days... Be careful how you taper, folks. It gets real in a hurry. Thirty eight calibur real. EMS real. You know. The kind that kills people real. Black box warning! Black box warning! we're going down... call Prichards... oh he doesn't want to be bothered... too bad the medical board checked the paperwork. Blame that on Beth. Go ahead. I'm listening. Find an LPC to blame. No? Medical board not buying it? Oh goodness. You can't be serious! They checked the friggin dosage!?! Why would they do that?!? There's gotta to be a social worker that'll buy this shit. Oh wait. Ran outta those. Let's get creative.

Well, maybe if you call the medical board and say shit, they actually check the paperwork... I wonder how I faked his records... or MIP's records... 

Naw. They'd never do that. I wonder how many years they check. I wonder how many prescriptions they found. The house was full of pills. Pills everywhere.  How many mgs did he have me on? How fast did i come down? How many people do we want labeled ptsd? Finding out day by day... Pills! Get your pills! Step right up folks, name your disorder and you will be drugged. Don't you go talkin to LPCs now! Don't you do that! We are the mindless! Eat and drug, i always say. Here's your symptom journal and your inventory. Don't forget to give positive feedback. This shit don't sell itself. 

You want PTSD? take minipress, do not talk to a counselor.

You want adhd? Become an overachiever. Try to save the world and find a psychologist. You'll be drugged by morning. Might have trouble eating, but you'll make it to depression eventually. Then you can look forward to Bipolar.

You want bipolar? Just run yourself into the ground. Suck it up. Try again. It'll look like bipolar after a while.

Get your pills! Come and get it! Shush up about that black box. We don't have black boxes. We have the commercials with happy people on them!

Preaching the Word

Let's see, who does not yet know, through paperwork or otherwise, that I have health problems? I could go camping next week, then those people will know. I could move to Hawaii, then Hawaii will know. Hablo Espanol. Mexico is nice this time of year. Maybe Canada has a clinic. Georgia probably already knows...

I could always remind McClean. Or Lost'n Rigged. I saw that Einstein shrink. The PhD in MA. Clarity, Clarify... there's bound to be a shrink in West Virginia that doesn't know. Word travels more slowly there. MUSC knows... Beth Israel Deaconess, how could they forget? They brought me back from Coma #2. The device in my chest is tracked by insurance and doctors, they all know... I hear McClean has so many campuses now! Tomorrow is a new Center! Ill spread the Gospel like wildfire! No, maybe only so many people NEED to know... that boundaries thing... it keeps coming up. Complex medical trauma... who wants to learn? Rule number one: doctors are not your family. Rule number two: the nurses ain't neither. Rule number three, techinicans can have loose mouths. What's that law? Shippa? Crippa? Cant be that important. Just ignorant and well intended. Terraform? Ship in a storm? I'll remember. Nevermind keeping people safe. Nevermind ethics. Let's go piss people off. Pretend we don't notice. That's working out well. Oh wait. That boundaries thing again. There's gotta be a boundary pill. I already ate the DSM. I ate the discharge summaries. It was hard on the plumbing. Maybe i can go to Phoenix, eat thier intake papers. I'd smoke them, but I'd need my inhalor... Gateway's are a bit bland. Need more spice. What would my insurance like to pay for next? I think the rTMS and ECT makes them a bit sick. Spravato irritates my respiratory... Anmed knows me... maybe they have a program or three. I'll just go state by state. Once all the departments of health and human services know everything, then i can move to the next country, then they'll know.

Tomorrow is a new Center! I'm saved! It's a miracle! By Doctor, I am saved! Clozaluyah! Liver be damned! Immune system be damned! Thank the doctor, I am Saved! What does this prescription say? Go home. Damn. They're catching on. Oh wait, here's another! Oh, no, that's a discharge slip. Oh the internist will be so proud. I love to make my doctors proud. I'm thier veggie. The technicians water me. Harvest season is coming. I'll go to the fair... oh look! Another blood pressure cuff! Damn this is fun! I wonder what the numbers will say this time? This is better then gambling. 

And now, a message from our Sponsors... the CDC... SCDHEC... every LPC south of the state line... Please do not try this at home. Do not overdose on Depakote. You go into comas that way. Do not not overdose on Lithium. You get dialysis if you're lucky and your body doesn't quit. Do not overdose on three different prescriptions picked up from CVS... you get the desire to sue someone that way... and you'll be lucky if you come back.... Do not see more then one Psychiatrist... you become the DSM that way... it's rather dull, much like the tax code.

I am the Doctor, Saith the Shrink...

Whosoever druggith and believith in Bipolar Shall Never die...

Yet shall he become comatose, Rise up and Run around...

He shall numbeth out... He shall run around...

He shall Psychociate...

I will pilieth on the Antipsychotics,

The mood stabilizers...

The benzos and the off labels...

I will referrith here and there...

As many times as neccessary...

I will titrate up the dosage...

Until he is completely numb and unaware...

And the insurance will pay...

Or the family will pay...

So long as he does not go to counseling or journal ever again...

Pillars

I'm feeling some relief. I've recieved the neccessary reassurances from the PA and the LPC. Whatever MIP does or does not know about me will become clear from those 600 pages, if not from that then from CCBH's records, the internist's records, the records from City Center Counseling, or from the work I do with the PA, the internist, and the LPC. Or perhaps from Springbrooks records, or the ER records... The LPC's office has consulted an independent psychiatrist as well. The PA and LPC are in lockstep, and I revoked all authorizations for PRISMA to discuss me with anyone without express permission. My medical care has been firewalled. Anyone who interferes with my medical care does so at thier own risk. Gateway knows, CCBH knows, city center knows, mip knows, Mindful upstate knows, SCDHEC knows, Mindwell knows, PRISMA knows, the internist knows, DSS is a phone call or click away, the local police are too. Even the Governor knows. So regardless of what anyone does or does not know, whatever these diagnoses mean, I truly will be ok. Given that I was flagged for a Social Determinates of Harm screening years ago by the old internist, whatever is or is not true about me has popped up on almost every radar across this state. I'm being watched. But these people are trying to help me. Anyone who stands in thier way will be noticed, flagged, and potentially tracked. Abuse has to be reported. Threats have to be reported. Every licensed medical professional has that obligation. Every social worker, every counselor, every hospital, every police officer. So regardless of what the truth is, so long as i follow medical instructions, there is no danger. And I'm home now. Where i can do that.