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Strange
Polyvagal Theory
Patience
They tell me I have to be patient. That I have to be of sound mind. Reliable memory. And then there's Justice. But I got tired. Frustrated. Different people on different sides. PRISMA. PSYCHIATRISTS. COUNSELORS. COMMUNITY. FAMILY. SIDES.
And here I am in the middle. People wondering what's going on. Me wondering where the law is on this. Because to me it's excessive. To me drugging someone up that high and teaching them they are dangerous and discouraging counseling is reckless endangerment and drug trafficking. It's creating mindless zombies that will buy guns. It's creating fear. Terror. Rage. PTSD. To me, that is psychological torture.
I was suicidal at 13. I was drugged at 10. Therapies of different sorts in elementary school, continuing through middle school. My first Overdose at 17. Coma. Memorial. Wires. Delirium. RIPPING THE WIRES OUT. PEOPLE HOLDING ME DOWN.
Prichards met me at 16. That was after Klanton. CBT. ADHD > Stimulants > ADHD COACHING > MIP PHP > KLANTON CBT > PRICHARDS > MIP INPATIENT > COMA > MIP INPATIENT > ALPHABET SOUP DIAGNOSES > OD #2 > MCCLEAN > OD #3, COMA #2 > MCCLEAN > LOST AND RIGGED > GREENVILLE > MEDICATION CITY > CITY CENTER COUNSELING > PTSD DX > PURCHASE OF .38 > SELLING .38 > MINDFUL UPSTATE > DID DX > PRICHARDS QUITS > IMA > BROWNELL > ARTSTICK > REDUCTION OF MEDS > CCBH > SPRINGBROOK > ARTSTICK ON MEDICAL > COFFEE > MIP > BACK TO BIPOLAR BS > REMEDICATED AGAIN > COFFEE > DECIDING I'VE HAD IT > FILING FBI REPORT > REDUCTION OF DX's (PRISMA Prompted me to remove problems from my problem list)
My PRISMA Dx's have been reduced from
BIPOLAR
PSYCHOSIS
DEPRESSION
PTSD
ADHD
AUTISM SPECTRUM
CAPD
and the physical
to
DEPRESSION
PTSD
AUTISM SPECTRUM
CAPD (Kinda redundant with AS but anyways)
and the physical
And now if I can stay stable as I am and away from toxic people and continue therapy it's simply a legal thing about the saga of drugs, dx's, and trauma. Cleaning up a few dirty docs. Cuz this shit don't make sense.
Other then a few nervous mental health professionals and family members and some anger, it seems better. Seriously though, Does this make any sense? How crazy is it to find someone with a problem, and then gigantically magnify that problem into this huge mess? Across multiple states? Referral city? Medication city? ECT? TMS? VNS? I'm not a cyborg. Well, technically yes. VNS. But I think we missed the boat here folks. But hey, Prichards is PROUD! I've got a Masters! annnnnnnnd... a very unstable life. Poor Physical health. extreme anger issues. And I scare people. Fantastic.
You know, it's not really surprising to me that I have multiple personalities. It's amazing my body still works. My head's been zapped so many times, magnetized, pulsed from VNS... stimmed, drug city... all legal of course. Even the THC. Legal. But I'm not sure we're impressing anyone. And I'm angry and tired. And broke. And on disability since age 20. Congratulations, us. Really impressing people here. Right now, I'd take the ER's side. I'd be pissed at bringing a guy out of a coma for this. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. That reminds me. A warm shout out to BETH ISRAEL DEACONESS for coma #2.
Thermometer
So now I spend my days trying to get from the 8-10 range (Anger, fury, Rage) to the 0-5 range. I need to be stable in the lower Polyvagal range so that this VNS device the state spent money on and the education and stuff can be worth it and so that the community can be calm and happy and so that the state can keep this from happening to anyone else. Medicalized perfectionism. Overeducation. Toxic work ethic. empty, medicated, permanently disabled useless burden on society. It seems like a good goal.
The hospital doesn't like me talking, so they play games. But they can't really stop me, name on buildings, state/federal observation, things like that. I do want this state to be safe. I do want no excessive prescribing. I don't know who checks this website, I only know people report back. I do know my counselor and my PA check it. I like people to feel safe. If I wanted people to be harmed, I would not have asked the FBI to monitor me. That would be the opposite of intelligent. As smart as you think I may be, believe me I am not smarter then a federal agency. I worked in taxes. You do not fuck around with these people. The IRS can run you over. SSA can do it too. The FBI? Those are the guys with the IT skills, the guns, and the badges. They can block this site, they can hack my computer, they can do many things. They can hack my phone. They know what I do. If I wanted people to be harmed, I could have done so a long time ago. That's not what I want. I do care about people. I've known many people. I hope my good eggs are proud of me. Because I'm doing this for them. People like Leaves and Elle. Kind people. Down to Earth people. Hardworking people. The ones out there in the community. I've been here 41 of 43 years. If I really wanted to hurt anyone, I would have done it by now. Don't believe the Psychiatrist lies. Don't believe the programming. Don't take the pills. Stay away from God complexes. There is no danger. I've got to be on every radar across this state. Just quietly. That's all.
I need to calm my anger. Because once it gets down to the 1... then it's clean up time. Then I get to help make sure there's no excessive pills. That people are safe. I know they are watching. They've already disrupted my internet at least once. The slightest wrong move, and it's SWAT teams, badges, guns. Not that I expect a detail to follow me around, but you know, they learn things. I don't know how long and how many people have been watching. I was rather medicated.
When I was little. Before everything. I wanted to be FBI. I applied there once. maybe twice. Forensic Accountant. I applied IRS. I was in IT. I know what they can do. I know what I started. I know they can help. Keep South Carolina Safe. So, if my awareness is correct, South Carolina doesn't need to worry. It will be safe. Less pills. No crooked doctors.