Faith

Years, ago, when I was highly medicated, I walked around as if I was a different person. My mind was simpler. My thoughts and dreams were different. It seemed natural to focus on career and wealth and being connected and pushing for more.

It is easy to put on those rose colored glasses, especially if you have letters after your name or you have chemicals in your system. But the world isn't that way. There are no angels here on earth. This is reality. There is safety and there are dangers. 

Names are not everything. 

I do not believe there is perfection anywhere, in anyone, or anything here on earth.

Do I believe in God? Am I saved? I've gotten that a lot. I do not believe in predetermination. I also do not believe in good works buying one's way to heaven.

I do believe in God. I was raised Catholic. Some events in my life have challenged my beliefs. And I have known atheists and God Complexes and pop culture types and Hindus and Muslims and even Shintoists and Deists and polytheists. 

So I believe in one God, but I'm ok with people believing other things. I do not believe there is one recipe for life. I am not looking to be converted by any religion. The biggest issue I have with Christianity is the Gender roles. The second biggest is the pitting of science vs the Bible. I happen to be one of those weird people who believe that the Bible and Evolution can both be true. God created the Earth and everything on it, including the evolution of the animals. Just like Angels can fall, man can lose his way in different ways. Anything can change. The earth can change. People can change. 

Being addicted to sameness or perfectionism or a particular person or thing is dangerous.

I've gotten a lot of feedback from different people and places. I have trouble remembering. But I am a collection of all of that experience. Various Hospitals, countries, people. Given my health, I need to consolidate my memory and try to learn from all of this fairly intense experience.

The best way to not get like this is to be careful what you experience. Be careful with what you put in your body, how hard you push, what influences you expose yourself to. If you're on antipsychotics, that's harder to do. People looking to convert me: My mind is too stressed and overwhelmed to really absorb much more. Don't try too hard.

Memory

 So going back to Memory and the difference between remembering and recalling as explained by Clarity. 

I can REMEMBER.

At any given time, I have trouble RECALLING specific events and specific pieces of information. This can happen with learning disorders, dementia, or with trauma. I have been dx'd with the first and third of those. I have tried Amantadine, Namenda, mirapex, and I think Aricept, along with the ADHD meds.

If you wonder why my communication is bad, I may be in a different time period, I may be in fight or flight, or I may be trying to recall different pieces of information. 

No matter what, don't expect a lot of give and take, fluid and present time related conversation for sustained periods in large groups of people or chaotic environments. If they haven't mastered that yet, they never will.

Projection

People in general need to realize that I am not them. I am not my last name. I am not a doctor, I've just spent too much time listening to them. I'm not a counselor. I'm not a legal expert. I am in fact a disabled man living in South Carolina with a cat. That is what I am. Whatever you want me to give you, to say, to be, or to think, I am not that. I am the collection of my experiences with an independent heart and mind that so long as it is alive will continue to try to enjoy more privacy and find my own people. DO NOT COME NEAR ME WITHOUT INVITATION. DO NOT CONTACT ME WITHOUT INVITATION. IF YOU DO CONTACT ME, KEEP IT SIMPLE AND DIRECT. DO NOT LIE TO ME. THANK YOU. HAVE A GOOD FUCKING DAY.

Psychiatry and Boundaries

So I'm coming back to Psychiatry and Boundaries. An INTELLIGENT professional is AWARE. When approaching the patient, the professional understands that the patient is not him/her. The patient is not your reflection. Residents are not eye candy. They can on occasion be smarter than you. Just because you're not talking does not mean time has stopped.