Darkness Until Dawn

Mind Your Own Business Series 4/21 p2

Anyways. So, meds are not the ultimate solution

Diagnoses are not the ultimate solution.

Genetics and chemicals? Well, I'm gonna go back to the nature vs nuture.

All of these disorders? Well people like to look for answers or find causes or demons.

Some people jump to look at their genes... others find a chemical or food or an environmental factor such as electronic devices or the weather...

History plays a role, in combination with the rest. I do not doubt that any of the disorders are not "real". They are complex. Autism, ADHD, Depression of whatever type, and Dissociation.

The thing I noticed about Covid was how psychological it became. People did die. I tested positive at one point. For me it was like a mild flu. But I saw people thinking they had it when they didn't, time after time. The thing that lasted was that autism spectrum seemed to become more widely known. I had to think about that.

ADHD... I've seen so often, parents of kids with ADHD, they get focused on the diagnosis whether they medicate or not, and it becomes an animal of its own. When there's so much to the relationship and the person. And then people don't see the social factors that are playing into the diagnosis. They don't see the nurture side of the causes and what drives it. The medications that are used most commonly? Methamphetamines, a close cousin of amphetamines. One of the earliest uses of amphetamines? Hitler gave his soldiers amphetamines at the outset of world war II to make them stronger and more energetic/fanatical. The result? Some of the worst atrocities mankind has ever known. These drugs, they crystalize the thought... but there are environmental factors. Eating a healthy diet. Getting enough sleep. Positive emotional relationships. The absence of head trauma, both physical and psychological. You have two kids and one has an LD? Maybe it's not the kid. Maybe it's not pure genetics. Maybe it's more complicated then that. Maybe, just maybe, you had a genetic predisposition, and the social and environmental factors did the rest. There will always be the weak and the strong. Both mentally and physically. Head trauma can cause all sorts of LDs. Head trauma isn't just physical trauma. It's psychological trauma. Accidents. Abuse. Neglect. Not that anyone needs to beat themselves up. It just means that it's not random, it's not just genes, and it's not just drugs.

Mind Your Own Business Series 4/21

So, I've been thinking more about boundaries and minding one's own business.

I used to not have the slightest understanding of boundaries. I applied rules. Simplistic ones. Then I came off Clozaril and my feelings opened up. Man. Coming off Minipress was an extremely frightening experience. Shit got epically real in all the wrong ways. Do not ever take that red pill. Don't do it. I'm telling you. Those things are highly dangerous.

Coming off Clozaril was much different. It was like leaving the matrix and seeing reality for the first time. Both the internal reality and the external. Oh, Prichards was angry. He was no longer God. He was also afraid. He was afraid for the world to see what he had created. And then everyone was afraid. I didn't like what I saw in many cases. People didn't like that I could see.

I could see the fakeness. I could see the façades. I could see the corruption. I could see the dirt, and the ugliness. Oh they came up with all sorts of names. They brought out the big guns to shut me up and medicate me back. Oh, they pulled out every tool. So yeah, I got angry. It's not something you can forget. It's not something you should forget. It was a lesson.

Yeah, I got a lot of heat. I had been the good little soldier, taking my drugs and staying in line. Thing is, those same drugs that were my "salvation"... Clozaril "my" medication. My "gold standard". My angel in the form of a pill. The second coma? The one I went into the day that McClean released me? The one that should have killed me if the first one didn't? Well guess which med I was on at the time? The one that was supposed to save me. I was on Clozaril when I went into a coma. Well ain't that freaking beautiful. Genius. It did a damn good job. They barely brought me back. Barely. Damn good job. Let's take more and have coma #3, why don't we?

The time I had dialysis? I was on gold standard #2. Lithium. Damn good job lithium. Sure did work. Just brilliant.

Coma #1? CDC phone call? Delirious and trying to rip wires off my body with 3-4 people holding me down? That was Depakote. Good job meds. Good job.

Thank the Shrink, I am saved. I'll thank the ICU and ER staff instead. The shrink can go screw himself.

Community Message

Cross your fingers folks. I told my family how the community feels. They stopped talking for once. Maybe they actually heard you this time. Doctors, nurses, techs, hold your breath.

Maybe my family will go easy. I told them what you said. All the pissed off parts, pretty much.

Easter

Today is Easter. There were periods of months that I did not know what day it was. I am closer to the ground and yet I open my eyes and the world is so far away.

I am long past the point of no return. Whoever or whatever I was, that person is long gone.

As much as MIP or people in my life would like to drag me back into what I once appeared to be, it is simply not possible. I was a drugged body with emotions laid on top of a broken mind. My life was and still is a living nightmare. The darkness was drugged into the background, and now it is an open wound.

I am still broken. That doesn't change quickly. It doesn't change easily. You may not see it just by looking at me, but look more deeply and you will see the pieces of me. It hurts to smile. It's difficult to laugh. My memory is in disarray. Physically, I am whole. This mind is damaged. Don't try to drag me out, you won't like what you see. Don't try to fix me, it will blow up in your face.

My head hurts every day. People use all sorts of names for me, either good ones with fake smiles or the ones that at best show little respect and at worst dehumanize. I recognize the sing song voices and the lies I once did not.

After 600 pages from one mental hospital, if you still think it is wise to play with me, then you are completely blind and deaf and there is no saving you. 600 pages!?! Even I have trouble believing it. Play with the cat. He's my better nature.

I was many things. Now I am many pieces. I can barely care for myself. Leave me alone. 2 comas. 2 comas. TWO COMAS. I do not need a 3rd.

Eventually, you'll have to truly hear something i say or stop messing with me.

We can argue until the end of time about what I need, what i am capable of, who I am, or where I went wrong. Waste of energy. You got your own 600 pages? File them. Then stay the hell away from me.

Develop some common sense. Do not play with fire. Someone will get burnt.

Self Defense

I do not like weapons.

I bought my first self-defense weapon in 2024. I say that because it was the first time I bought a weapon with the intention to defend my person long term.

It happened during tax season. One too many verbal assaults. There were 2 I can remember considering contacting law enforcement. A big guy that started screaming "BULLSHIT" when I tried to explain that I could not deduct certain trucker expenses due to changes in the tax law. It took multiple employees from multiple offices to talk him down.

The woman that would not stop pressuring me to base a tax return off an online estimate and started screaming.

There was a mentally ill woman who would not go away. A smooth-talking Northeasterner that would not stop contacting me. A bully who the women wouldn't work with. Yay for being male. There was one that came back, insisting on voiding a signed document that had already been processed.

I'm a fairly big guy. It's not incredibly often people try physical intimidation. But there many ways to threaten or cause harm.

I found a way to get people's attention. It comes in a black carrying case. It is bright pink. You cannot miss it. Turn off the safety and pull the trigger. It is so very loud. The electric current is so bright it hurts your eyes. Why anyone would see a bright pink taser, especially after a warning activation, and still walk towards it is beyond me. And given that it is so loud, it will attract attention. It is not meant for stealth. It is not meant to attack. It deters. But God forbid I should ever have to use it, I would hold contact for the briefest of moments. Painful muscle spasms. Hold it too long, chance of permanent injury. People that don't take warnings seriously, I can get their attention.

I'm not as young as I once was. I'm still fairly strong. I have words, non-verbals. I have some self-defense moves that I recall from wrestling. For the obstinate or deceptive, I have the taser.

I'm getting tired. My mind is maybe a little less sharp and enduring. So now I keep the taser, to defend my person. For the abusive, manipulative, or power crazy, I have the ability to file reports. I have counseling. I have my writing.

Anger Management

So, with the physical symptoms calmed down and my mental health providers keeping busy (Staff of 4 plus consultants and hospitals/centers), I have decided to turn my attention to less medical matters. The cat is doing well. I might as well just let him be my public face. He seems to be more popular.

The calm app continues to be beneficial, and I absolutely find Walmart+ to be liberating. Guitar is mostly just playing chords for now, while I continue to increase my awareness and mental coherence. My professionals are maintaining me on the four daily meds plus the as needed. On the plus side, the lack of stimulants means that I get to enjoy more caffeine. I've had some headaches that lean towards the tension type, still some weird sensations in my face. I can only hope that the South Carolina mental health community reads this site. There's gotta be something to learn from this. Such as, drugs are bad (scripted ones too), don't threaten patients, don't sabotage other professionals, don't wait until you have 600 pages worth to say about someone before you actually say something, Diagnoses are not everything, abuse can and will be reported, we all have to live here, or maybe cliques/enmeshment/codependence is not cool.

My anger for what has happened in my life is one thing. My anger for what happens in the lives of those who try to help me is another. My judgement in my personal affairs may not always be the best, but I have pretty clear perception when it comes to professionals in the community. It's something I return to again and again. It is something that I hold sacred. Maybe MIP protects its own. Yeah, I can do that too. I used to think I liked shrinks. Then I got de-numbified. Now, not so much. I've been on both sides. I got my bachelor's in psychology. I volunteered for 3.5 years. I've been to more mental health facilities then anyone I know. Seeing a facility vs facility, facility vs community, facility vs professional, or psychiatry vs counseling vs social work really gets on my nerves. Seeing mental health workers fail to correct patients or other staff on inappropriate conduct really gets on my nerves. What are you teaching this community, exactly? Fornication is ok? Drugs are ok? Lack of accountability is ok? Yelling is ok? What exactly are you teaching here? I feel I have reason to be concerned, for I have walked the halls of MIP, CCBH, Springbrook, those centers in MA, The psychiatrists offices in GE, SC, and MA. I've been to the testing centers. I've been to MUSC. To Anmed. To PRISMA. We need to be careful here, folks. Personally, I appreciate nurses, counselors, and social workers. They work very hard. You think I don't notice? The latter two are better with boundaries, with a few exceptions. I did meet an LPC at Springbrook with some of the worst professional boundaries I have ever seen in that field. I'm glad I don't remember her name, because I would have reported her so many times. Licensure requirements exist for a reason. Don't go around preaching shit that poisons this community. If you can't do your job, stay home. Do not exceed your authority or your knowledgebase. If I'm having to teach you boundaries, then you have epically failed.

Some of you techs better watch yourselves. This isn't a free ride. You are not qualified to instruct these people. You're messing up this community, and I don't appreciate it. Shut your mouths and do your jobs. It's not that hard. I've done it a time or two. Do not spread your mental poisons and I won't spread mine. You want to mouth off? do it off the clock, in a break room or at home. You mess up this community and then I'll make sure it catches up to you.

Dear Public

Dear Public,

Do not take drugs. DRUGS COME FROM PHARMACIES. FOR ANYONE WILLFULLY NOT PAYING ATTENTION, THIS SHIT KILLS YOU. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS. THEY WILL NUMB YOU OUT. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS, THEY DISTORT YOUR JUDGEMENT. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS. YOU END UP MESSED UP. For further details, please consult "Personal Thoughts", "Personal Thoughts - medical", or ask to see my mychart, then consult an LPC.

DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS.

Thank You.

Bullshit of the Day

Let's see, what's the latest bullshit?

It's circulating widely. The DSM is getting vaguer. People keep talking bullshit, they find new words for it... Something wrapped up and resold every day.

That's why I have to persistently unwrap this stuff. Demystify. So we can all know it for the Bullshit that it is.

How many drugs can we repackage in different ways? I want people to know how this shit kills you. I want them to see the myChart. I want them to see the problem list. Let's just publish it all. We'll make pamphlets and fliers... RITALIN, GET YOUR RITALIN! Lithium! Seroquel! See how fast it kills you! Liver damage, Nausea, Constipation, BP changes, EKGS, GET YOUR EKGS!

Wanna a resting pulse of 95-100? Take your Clozaril, call me in the morning about the cravings, the immune system, check with a nutritionist 50 times a year. Oh you'll be strong. Completely Numb. Spaced out. Useless. A complete burden on society. One day at a time, a few hundred mg... You'll be locked up forever. Just look at the past 20-25 years. Oh you'll stay breathing. And completely useless. You won't realize until you stop taking the pills how numbed out you were.

Got a cholesterol problem yet? One day at a time, you'll get there.

Carolina Drugs (By Ashes and Dr. Dust)

Carolina Drugs!

((Chorus))

Carolina...knows how to drug me!
Carolina...knows how to drug me!
In the citaaay of GSP (yeah, yeah)
In the citaaay of good ol' gReedy
In the citaaay, the city of Maudlin
We keep it druggin! We keep it druggin! Yeah!

Now let me welcome every patient to the mild, mild South!
A state that's untouchable like Jesus himself.
The pills hit ya esophagus and soon ya depressed
Pack a script in your pocket, seek out EMS
We inna Palmetto state wit our gospel and country
A state where ya never find a waiting room empty
Pharms on a mission for the perfect drug
Selling it up with the CHING and a snarky shrug

I been in the game for 30 years bein loons
Now Memorial switched itself to Maroons
Back in '97 they used to chart me N watch me
Scrubs shinin like I robbed tha supply room
It's all blessed, from the foothills to tha harbor
My minds running around, back and forth, now it's farther
Throw up a script if ya think they fixed me
Ashes puttin it down for the shrinks of Dixie...

Drug it drug it shrinky
Drug it drug it Nursy
Drug it drug it MD
Drug it freakin pharmacy!
Drug it drug it shrinky
Drug it drug it drug it drug it...

Out on script! fresh from commit, now the shrinks a schemin'!
As I step out of McClean, I'm hearin coaches screamin!
Hating for bad talk N bullshit,

the life of the Asylum player where souls die, and the strong drug it
Only in the hospital where we DRUG, not talk, to live and die
In Asylums we writin' scripts, no sense (yeah, that's right)
Breaking boundaries, insulting others is what we do!
Scriptin' but have caution, we collide with other crews!
Famous because we PROGRAM statewide

Let 'em recognize from Patrick B to Springbrook
Druggin and lyin like a slow jam, it's Upstate
So go see tha shrink and let 'em hate
Say what you say, but give me that pill down from Harvard
Let me serenade the halls of the Centers
From CCBH to Springbrook,

I'll look for the soul that my shrink took
DMH is where they put they rules down!

Give it up!

((Chorus))

(Ashes) now make it shake...

((Bridge))

Outro: Ashes, Dust

uh, yeah, uh, Gateway in tha house, uh yeah
Phoenix Center, Phoenix Center where you at?
DSS, DSS
(Dust) hey, you know MIP up in this
CCBH, where you at
yeah, Springbrook, Springbrook always up to its good
(Dust) even tryin to get a piece baby
City Center, IOP where ya at? uh yeah
Throw it up y'all, throw it up, Throw it up
Let's show these fools how we do this on the inside
Cause you and I know it's tha insane side
yeah, That's riight
East coast, east coast
uh, Carolina Drugs
Carolina Drugs

©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

Morning Joe

Nothing like a good cup of coffee in the morning. I've been making instant. I can't find the espresso grinder.

I met a guy named Joe. Sharp fellow. He keeps it simple. Joe's not into bullshit. He doesn't care about names. He doesn't use fancy words. But he understands them. Yep, we could use a few more Joe's. I knew a George. He kept it simple. Oh but he loves those analogies. I seem to remember a Keisha... there was definitely a Beth... yep... a few voices here and there...

What do these voices say?

You have a good goal...

Strong Boundaries...

Bipolar is one of the most over diagnosed things in the book...

Don't go back to the table...

Enmeshed...

Think for yourself...

Natural solutions...

Clozaril doesn't help you...

I don't want to talk to your family...

Medical leave...

Lean on your counselor...

Stay out of hospitals...

PTSD...

You're not dangerous...

Dissociation...

Journal...

Process...

Medical complex trauma...

Stay away from meds...

Don't go back to the same people...

Don't go back to same places...

Stay home...

Advocate...

The Pill Factory (Adult Content)

I like the buproprion. It's orange. My school color. Now, the propranolol's are blue... I look good in blue...

Ativan's yellow... I don't like yellow. Dirty. Pristiq is brown. I like brown. It's a good color... the prilosecs are white and purple like... that's creative... keep taking those... why they make hydroxzine white? I mean, come on!

You take the blue pill, you go back to your life, like nothing ever happened...

You take the red pill, you see how far down the rabbit hole this goes.

I'm hunting wabbits... ders a Psychiatrist around the corner... ready to tell me my fortune and get an insurance payout. How many pills can they manufacture? I'll bury a few out back. See if they grow. Or we can just add them to the water supply. Nevermind fluoride. My teeth ain't broke yet.

Let's see... take a stop down by valium, turn left by klonopin... past what's that version of ativan that lasts longer?

Ah. Minipress. Those were the days... Be careful how you taper, folks. It gets real in a hurry. Thirty eight calibur real. EMS real. You know. The kind that kills people real. Black box warning! Black box warning! we're going down... call Prichards... oh he doesn't want to be bothered... too bad the medical board checked the paperwork. Blame that on Leaves. Go ahead. I'm listening. Find an LPC to blame. No? Medical board not buying it? Oh goodness. You can't be serious! They checked the friggin dosage!?! Why would they do that?!? There's gotta to be a social worker that'll buy this shit. Oh wait. Ran outta those. Let's get creative.

Well, maybe if you call the medical board and say shit, they actually check the paperwork... I wonder how I faked his records... or MIP's records...

Naw. They'd never do that. I wonder how many years they check. I wonder how many prescriptions they found. The house was full of pills. Pills everywhere. How many mgs did he have me on? How fast did i come down? How many people do we want labeled ptsd? Finding out day by day... Pills! Get your pills! Step right up folks, name your disorder and you will be drugged. Don't you go talkin to LPCs now! Don't you do that! We are the mindless! Eat and drug, i always say. Here's your symptom journal and your inventory. Don't forget to give positive feedback. This shit don't sell itself.

You want PTSD? take minipress, do not talk to a counselor.

You want adhd? Become an overachiever. Try to save the world and find a psychologist. You'll be drugged by morning. Might have trouble eating, but you'll make it to depression eventually. Then you can look forward to Bipolar.

You want bipolar? Just run yourself into the ground. Suck it up. Try again. It'll look like bipolar after a while.

Get your pills! Come and get it! Shush up about that black box. We don't have black boxes. We have the commercials with happy people on them!

Preaching the Word

Let's see, who does not yet know, through paperwork or otherwise, that I have health problems? I could go camping next week, then those people will know. I could move to Hawaii, then Hawaii will know. Hablo Espanol. Mexico is nice this time of year. Maybe Canada has a clinic. Georgia probably already knows...

I could always remind McClean. Or Lost'n Rigged. I saw that Einstein shrink. The PhD in MA. Clarity, Clarify... there's bound to be a shrink in West Virginia that doesn't know. Word travels more slowly there. MUSC knows... Beth Israel Deaconess, how could they forget? They brought me back from Coma #2. The device in my chest is tracked by insurance and doctors, they all know... I hear McClean has so many campuses now! Tomorrow is a new Center! Ill spread the Gospel like wildfire! No, maybe only so many people NEED to know... that boundaries thing... it keeps coming up. Complex medical trauma... who wants to learn? Rule number one: doctors are not your family. Rule number two: the nurses ain't neither. Rule number three, techinicans can have loose mouths. What's that law? Shippa? Crippa? Cant be that important. Just ignorant and well intended. Terraform? Ship in a storm? I'll remember. Nevermind keeping people safe. Nevermind ethics. Let's go piss people off. Pretend we don't notice. That's working out well. Oh wait. That boundaries thing again. There's gotta be a boundary pill. I already ate the DSM. I ate the discharge summaries. It was hard on the plumbing. Maybe i can go to Phoenix, eat thier intake papers. I'd smoke them, but I'd need my inhalor... Gateway's are a bit bland. Need more spice. What would my insurance like to pay for next? I think the rTMS and ECT makes them a bit sick. Spravato irritates my respiratory... Anmed knows me... maybe they have a program or three. I'll just go state by state. Once all the departments of health and human services know everything, then i can move to the next country, then they'll know.

Tomorrow is a new Center! I'm saved! It's a miracle! By Doctor, I am saved! Clozaluyah! Liver be damned! Immune system be damned! Thank the doctor, I am Saved! What does this prescription say? Go home. Damn. They're catching on. Oh wait, here's another! Oh, no, that's a discharge slip. Oh the internist will be so proud. I love to make my doctors proud. I'm thier veggie. The technicians water me. Harvest season is coming. I'll go to the fair... oh look! Another blood pressure cuff! Damn this is fun! I wonder what the numbers will say this time? This is better then gambling.

And now, a message from our Sponsors... the CDC... SCDHEC... every LPC south of the state line... Please do not try this at home. Do not overdose on Depakote. You go into comas that way. Do not not overdose on Lithium. You get dialysis if you're lucky and your body doesn't quit. Do not overdose on three different prescriptions picked up from CVS... you get the desire to sue someone that way... and you'll be lucky if you come back.... Do not see more then one Psychiatrist... you become the DSM that way... it's rather dull, much like the tax code.

I am the Doctor, Saith the Shrink...

Whosoever druggith and believith in Bipolar Shall Never die...

Yet shall he become comatose, Rise up and Run around...

He shall numbeth out... He shall run around...

He shall Psychociate...

I will pilieth on the Antipsychotics,

The mood stabilizers...

The benzos and the off labels...

I will referrith here and there...

As many times as neccessary...

I will titrate up the dosage...

Until he is completely numb and unaware...

And the insurance will pay...

Or the family will pay...

So long as he does not go to counseling or journal ever again...