With Respect

For Elle:

    Frustration can be an animal of its own. I walked beside you for years. I had the same thoughts, same feelings, for years. Now they know, and it is as if I am someone else. When it was me all along. Where do you go when I'm on looking? Maybe to the sky. I'm here on the earth. 

    I remember this med student. Ex med student. He came in for me to do his taxes. Had a story to tell. He had been starting his residency. One little fight, the residency was cancelled, his career was over. I am not an angel, I never was. But I walked with you, and you never came to harm. Maybe that last day, I scared you. Did it never occur to you that I defended you too? Sure, you didn't need me, but there were times. I know you had fear sometimes. I could see it when things got rough. When violence broke out, the fear in your eyes. I stood ready. 

    Some days I have to be a wall. A wall shows no emotion. A wall is steady. If words matter so little, then why are mine of such consequence? Why do I need to be so damn perfect? Strangest ideas come from strange places, and hospitals can be bizarre. I have anger, for sure, but let's not get caught up in details. I'm not worthy of half the attention I get. So I give them my words, to satiate their lust for my attention. Some people like to be needed. But I tire of the back and forth. 

    You were kind to me, I remember that always. There's only so much I can pay that forward, I would rather pay it back. Pay it back by recognizing all you did. But I'm not going to honor the false idols. I will not sit down and shut up for them. I will hold my anger. I need my anger. It reminds me of the things I cannot do. I hope you understand.

Eddie.