Revisiting Trust

     I've struggled with trust. There was a breakdown of trust. But going back to the idea of love as expressed in Christian terms, it is possible to love, it is even possible to love a stranger. There was not much love lost between myself and the other patients at the hospital. They immediately latched onto DID as a sign of arrogance and pushed the drug addict narrative. They never gave me a real chance. Never saw me for who I was. They got stuck on the misconceptions and trying to analyze the DID thing. But it's hard to blame them because I overthought DID and found it confusing myself. 

    But I've been getting my anger back down and reaching out some more. I had a blip with the ritalin and it's not a smooth and steady process. I felt like I wasn't being given choices. When you're the youngest, you get a lot of unsolicited advice and the choices are often made for you. 

    I was stuck in patterns and I knew myself, I knew that if I went back to gateway or got overly involved with medical, I would slip back into patterns. I needed to de-Bipolarize my mind. That did not make me popular, but in truth I was miserable when it was bipolar and the concept I had of bipolar was dysfunctional. It was keeping me trapped in a false identity, stuck in patterns. 

    I think it's time for forgiveness. I just wish I could talk to the staff. Help them understand. The thing with Prichards really wasn't my fault. THC isn't the problem. My counselor isn't the problem. It's the communication. Or lack thereof. But I think that's changing for me. I do know what I need as far as the medication and the ENT/Allergies. I think they are ready to listen.