Priority List

1. Stay away from excessive meds

2. Write

3. 1099 work

4. Maintain Home

5. Mind my own business

Elle

Dear Elle,

    I hope you are well. I'm sorry that I asked so much of you. Maybe when the past has faded, I could see you one last time. I just want to know that you understand. 

    Because I know you. I do know you. I know when I last saw you you were afraid. I could see it in your eyes. You didn't know what would happen to me. I want to know that you understand. I want you to see who I really am. You know how to find me. If you need me. 

    I got a lot lost. Some bad steps. Walking through the past. Can't stop thinking about that hospital. Everyday. Every single day. The same people. It's just weird. It does get easier. Haven't seen you in 5 years. 

Ashes

Fixations/Workaholism

 One thing that has been a repeating theme in my life is that of patterns. Change involves breaking patterns. Change can be good or bad. Sometimes it's just something different. Sometimes people aren't able to change. I still take a lot of medication. I have more say in that then I used to, thank God. 

But I seem rather stuck since 2022. It's difficult to maintain focus or conversations. Because my mind keeps going back to what happened. The very visual and auditory flashbacks have faded. I don't see And hear people from the past as much. I think of the same people day after day. Every single day. It's just wierd. Every single day. Same exact people. The drugs. They way they change people.  Sometimes only for a moment each. Sometimes again and again. I know these hospitals. I know what they do. I remember.

Review

    I feel like I have to spell things out for people. Not because they cannot understand, but because they deliberately refuse to understand. It's like day after day, showing people two balls and then adding two balls and asking how many balls there are, and they say anything but 4. 

    So, one more time for the moronically intelligent:

    SOMETHING happened revolving around Woodruff Road, Greenville Psychiatropy, a psychologist with bullshit ideas of CBT and manhood, and large amounts and combinations of Minipress, clozaril, seroquel, stimulants, benzos, gabapentin, ketamine prescriptions, and other drugs. Something extremely dangerous. And until the day I die I'll be working on making that clear to people. Because it could have been so much worse. And thank God it wasn't. But it's on me to make sure that people are safe from bad psychiatry. Accounting is a day job.