Too Grounded

     I feel like I'm becoming too grounded in that I'm realizing how dysfunctional life can be. I believe very strongly that I've been miseducated and mislead on what legalized drugs can do for and to the mind. It's not that I want to whip up hysteria or spread hatred, but I don't believe I've told the truth. I don't want to engage with back and forth's or frenzies of exaggeration. I feel like I need a simpler life. I want to bring positivity to the world. I'm not sure why people find me so intimidating. I don't actually want to hurt people. 

    I guess because I kept it locked up inside. At times, I pushed for the wrong things. I'm a rather determined person. It may seem like I give up but I never do. I may slightly adjust but I don't give up. I feel like I need to learn to adjust more. Some people can be rather private. Auditorily, I usually am rather private. It's hard to insert the right words at just the right time in a fluid conversation. I don't feel a whole lot of passion for life in general. I feel too disillusioned. I'm tired of people trying so hard to influence me. 

    That's why I'm focused on trying to communicate who I am in writing. So that people in the community can get to know me for who I really am. If they want to. I don't want to be in people's lives if they don't want me there. I've learned that lesson. I just hope there are people that want to know who I really am. I know some people will never read, they will just talk and form narratives. Oh he's the Bipolar, he's the drug addict, he's this, he's that... I don't have the energy for that. I feel like I keep saying this, but I'm getting too old for so many things. 

    I should have gotten married 10, 20 years ago. Whatever happened to that? What happened to sticking to one career? Why did it always have to be about what my family wanted? There's so many things I could have been. I'm tired of everyone trying to tell me what I need and not having a damn clue. I feel like I need to turn my ears off. 

    I need to be patient. I need to try to work with people. I need some calm.