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Broke

    Well, I'm going for broke. Cuz I am broke. in every sense of the word. I know my words too.

    Got screwed over a good bit. But I'm back up for more. Just gotta go easy. I very much would like to survive this. So. I'm trying to recover my sense of humor. This has been really dark. I'm trying to remember the late Robin Williams. He knew how to laugh. I'm trying to remember. I'm trying to remember. 

    Leaves of September.

    I have to find something inside myself other than a mind screwed ... darkness.

    I can still make people laugh. it's just hard to do it myself. Prichards and I need a word on that. Before I start calling McClean for a reservation. God as my witness... dead or alive... whether I live or die that man will stand in court of law and defend himself. I got your records jackass. I'm coming. Bury me? they said at CCBH. They said Ashes? Bury him. You're coming too, Prichards. I swear to God. You're gonna pay for what you did. You whole freaking lot. The cleaning crew is coming fellas. Make way.

Malacheck



    So I found out earlier this year that Malacheck died. Yeah, Malacheck was an MD at some 600 page hospital... yeah, Malacheck worked there in the nineties... He worked with Prichards... they was partners... and they knew that fella that was yellin' at me last month... he was one of their partners... and they all worked together in the nineties... that fella has a big mouth... he should take his vacation days... think about his life choices... Because I'm getting rather pissed off... and some hospital just sent me 600 pages of names, dates, medications... all that crap... any hospital employee working somewhere that just sent me 600 pages of names and dates and facts should take their vacation days, think about their life choices, and shut their damn traps... because i'm getting pissed off...

    But back to Malacheck... you see he worked with Prichards down yonder... then they went off and they had a practice not far... that was before Prichards went solo... But Malacheck was in charge of my care at the 600 page hospital... he was making speeches promoting drugs... he found this one called gabapentin... he put me on it for Bipolar Disorder... shortly thereafter the company making gabapentin got sued. Yeah you see they were promoting gabapentin for Bipolar with flimsy numbers... they got in trouble... govt said they had to stop...

    This is what troubles me about these doctors... back in the 90s the thinking was a bit more primitive... Bipolar was all the rage... that suck it up man it up attitude... drug it away... I was a minor. I was a child. 

    But Malacheck, well he must have thought that was just fine, because he stopped practicing to go around making more speeches promoting these drugs.. oh he made some good money on other freaking people's suffering... yes... that's what worries me about these pills...
    Strange thing is... I heard about malacheck just this year... seems he was off on vacation... some substance was involved... death under mysterious circumstances... they are not sure exactly what happened...
    One of these days I might just have to ask Prichards, possibly under oath, so maybe evidence should not destroyed, because this is getting damned suspicious... What happened to Malacheck? What did he know about me? Tell me Prichards, are you sure about what you did? ARE YOU SO STUPID THAT YOU ARE STILL OUT THERE PEDDLING DRUGS?
    Prichards, I think you should take some time off. Visit your family. And I'll see you in court. And you can explain the bipolar bullshit and the drugs, the offlabels, the medical board, just you and me Prichards... I want Leaves to be there... to see you explain how reckless you were with those drugs... how much danger you placed people into... TAKE YOUR DAMN VACATION DAYS. Spend time with your family. You're going to be in a courtroom. Malacheck can't make it. Unfortunately, he's dead. But maybe your 600 page hospital friends will be there... maybe the ones that SCDHEC HAD TO TALK TO... take your damn vacation days people... think about what you're doing... and I'll see you in court. Anyone who has the stupid idea in their head of undue influence or obstruction of justice... be very careful what you do... some things are criminal. There are jails for that. I hear so much as a whisper of improper conduct, it will be recorded, and people will be held accountable. To the full extent of the law. You know who you are. You are forcing me to do this. It didn't have to be this ugly. I will let the records and the experts speak. You have been warned. No contact. No obstruction. You've already dug yourselves a hole. Even if I die, the records remain. And if anything should happen to me, I'm instructing my professionals to find the people responsible and hold them accountable. To the full extent of the law.

Final Warnings

There are certain people who should not contact me, whether directly, by third party, or by smoke signal. They shouldn't contact my professionals (outside of my caseworker). my neighbors. my friends.

I want to be excruciatingly clear. Some people are so deliberately deaf. Y'all need to get with the program while you still can. If I have to keep going around the community, warning you via third person, it really looks bad. Especially when by now at least a half dozen professionals in this community know everything. Not just from what I said. There's documents. There's been professional to professional communication. The hospitals know. The centers know. The MDs, the social workers, etc.

So for the awareness impaired, let me be clear.

My brother is not to contact me, directly or indirectly. I will not be attending family events. You've been so stubborn and willful that I can't be around you. I'll visit with two of you at a time to keep things civil. Two of you, me plus someone of my choosing. I'm tired.

Lawyers are already contacting me. Don't make me respond.

Leave the kids out of it. Tell them nothing but the truth: I love them. I keep them in my heart and mind. Don't lie to them about me. Leave them out of it. They're good kids. Let them believe the truth: that I care about them. Don't get creative. It's detrimental to their well-being.

I can be ugly if i have to. You don't want to force me to do that. No unnecessary contact. You have my caseworker's number.

Don't make this ugly. Learn to keep your damn traps shut, mind your own business. I'd like to preserve what's left of the family name. It means something to people. But given that at least a half dozen professionals know in detail and long experience the excesses of this family, y'all might want to cool it. A lot of lives were saved at the hospital. A lot of good was done. Let's preserve that. Let's be kind to each other from a distance. We are not bad people. We're just not good together. We have some good memories. Let's preserve those. Don't delude yourselves. People know. You're not that smart. Neither am I.

I'm trying to help you here. You've dug your own hole. Cut yourselves down a few notches. Start to understand the reality here. Through your own words and actions, so many people are aware that you do not have proper boundaries. That you overstep yourselves. That you are causing harm. You need to stop. Right the heck now. You do not contact me. I can text and write. I can read your messages. Leave it at that. If you have my last name, do not come anywhere near me. You have been warned. Do not make me file any reports. Do not make me use fancy terms like undue influence, inappropriate conduct, harassment, or coercion... things like that. It makes the family look bad. I want to remember the good things about this family. I want to preserve that. Allow me to do that by backing off.

It's over. I'm signing out. I have retired from my family. Y'all are on a permanent vacation. PERMANENT. You do understand english, right? Hablo Español? Don't worry, I'll repost in Italian. I just need you to stop trying. You're wearing me out. You're wearing this state out. They resent it. Several have told me exactly that. They will smile and talk to you and yet be thinking exactly that. Don't delude yourselves like I did. We can still love the good things about each other while not being around each other or causing harm.

Avvertenze Finali

  Ci sono alcune persone che non dovrebbero contattarmi, né direttamente, né tramite terzi, né tramite segnali di fumo. Non dovrebbero contattare i miei professionisti (a parte il mio assistente sociale), i miei vicini, i miei amici.




Voglio chiarire con estrema chiarezza. Alcune persone sono deliberatamente sorde. Dovete tutti adeguarvi al programma finché potete. Se devo continuare a girare per la comunità, avvisandovi tramite terzi, la cosa fa davvero una brutta figura. Soprattutto perché ormai almeno una mezza dozzina di professionisti in questa comunità sa tutto. Non solo da quello che ho detto. Ci sono documenti. C'è stata comunicazione tra professionisti. Gli ospedali lo sanno. I centri lo sanno. I medici, gli assistenti sociali, ecc.




Quindi, per chi ha problemi di coscienza, vorrei essere chiaro.




Mio fratello non deve contattarmi, né direttamente né indirettamente. Non parteciperò a eventi familiari. Siete stati così testardi e ostinati che non posso starvi vicino. Farò visita a due di voi alla volta per mantenere un tono civile. Due di voi, io e qualcuno di mia scelta. Sono stanco.




Gli avvocati mi stanno già contattando. Non costringetemi a rispondere.




Lasciate stare i bambini fuori da questa storia. Dite loro solo la verità: li amo. Li tengo nel cuore e nella mente. Non mentite loro su di me. Lasciateli fuori. Sono bravi ragazzi. Lasciateli credere alla verità: che tengo a loro. Non siate creativi. È dannoso per il loro benessere.




Posso essere brutto se necessario. Non volete costringermi a farlo. Nessun contatto non necessario. Avete il numero del mio assistente sociale.




Non rendete la situazione brutta. Imparate a tenere le vostre dannate trappole chiuse, fatevi gli affari vostri. Vorrei preservare ciò che resta del cognome. Significa qualcosa per la gente. Ma dato che almeno una mezza dozzina di professionisti conoscono nei dettagli e hanno una lunga esperienza degli eccessi di questa famiglia, forse dovreste darvi una calmata. Molte vite sono state salvate in ospedale. È stato fatto molto di buono. Preserviamolo. Siamo gentili gli uni con gli altri, a distanza. Non siamo cattive persone. Semplicemente non stiamo bene insieme. Abbiamo dei bei ricordi. Preserviamoli. Non illudetevi. La gente lo sa. Non siete così intelligenti. Nemmeno io.




Sto cercando di aiutarvi. Vi siete scavati la fossa da soli. Abbassatevi di qualche gradino. Iniziate a capire la realtà. Attraverso le vostre parole e azioni, moltissime persone si sono rese conto che non avete limiti adeguati. Che state oltrepassando i limiti. Che state facendo del male. Dovete smetterla. Subito, cazzo. Non contattatemi. Posso mandarvi messaggi e scrivervi. Posso leggere i vostri messaggi. Lasciate perdere. Se avete il mio cognome, non avvicinatevi. Siete stati avvertiti. Non costringetemi a sporgere denuncia. Non costringetemi a usare termini altisonanti come indebita influenza, condotta inappropriata, molestie o coercizione... cose del genere. Metterebbe in cattiva luce la famiglia. Voglio ricordare le cose belle di questa famiglia. Voglio preservarle. Permettetemi di farlo andandomene a quel paese.




È finita. Me ne vado. Mi sono ritirato dalla mia famiglia. Siete tutti in vacanza permanente. PERMANENTE. Capite l'inglese, vero? Parlate spagnolo? Non preoccupatevi, ripubblicherò in italiano. Voglio solo che la smettiate di provarci. Mi state logorando. State logorando questo Stato. Loro ce l'hanno con voi. Molti me l'hanno detto esattamente. Sorrideranno e vi parleranno eppure penseranno esattamente questo. Non illudetevi come ho fatto io. Possiamo ancora amare le cose belle l'uno dell'altro senza stare insieme o farci del male.

Dreams



A few days after I got out of the hospital where people were verbally attacking my counselor, I had me a dream.

I picked me up the phone.

"Yes? McClean? It's Ashes and Dust, remember me? Oh, you know, runnin' around. Say, I have a technician that threatened my counselor. Would you have a room available? The Mood Disorders and Psychotic Suite, please. A year? Oh no, this one's not that strong. Let's say three weeks. Yes. Crappiest food in the house. You know the drill. You can put her in the room next to Prichards and my brother. All the happy pills she wants. Hold the benzos. Every now and then, would you open the unit door so she can see the outside? Give her a chance to run. Not too far. Allow her to flood the bathtub, if you would. I'd appreciate if you could keep an extra room available, in case any other family members or health care professionals need an ethics refresher... forgettin thier boundaries, that kinda thing. I might have a moment of conscience. Y'all taught me well. You know, on how to destroy people. By the way, Prichards wrote, said he's lost weight. Could you double his Clozaril? Oh, no, none for me thanks. Say hello to Conner for me. I know he'll take good care of my people... what's left of them."

I get frustrated with people who threaten other people or attempt to force medicate them. I get frustrated when professionals sabotage others or endanger the community. It's happened a time or two. I have a few hangups. I hope they have all taken the time to reflect upon thier actions and rethink thier lives. I'd hate to have to sue someone.  It's nasty business. I'd hate to have to speak to the Governor again. Especially about family members. But I can if someone forces me to. Rather easily, it seems. I'd rather prefer to let the governor focus on the good people of this state, not the dumbshits who can't keep thier traps shut and think they're too good for a hard lesson. Those dumb shits better let me hear them so much as whisper. Bad idea, dumb shits. Bad idea.

The School Bus

Middle of August... mid 1990s... Gray sky... a slow gust of wind carrying a cloud of leaves... they rise and dance and run away...

He looked up again and saw a flight of birds cutting the sky. He did not want to go. He did not want to stay. It was just past 7 A.M. He shifted his feet, looking up and down the road waiting for the vessel that would bring him down the street and towards the new place of learning.

See, he had wanted to go to the local school. Just a mile away. It wasn't up to him. He remembered what had happened at the place before. He remembered just how dark it had become. He had played with fire before. The anger was catching up. As a child, he didn't think it could be so complicated. That was supposed to come later. There was a lot to prove. 

Fire was a release. Oh he liked to see it burn. The light brought him comfort. The warmth was so soothing. Sometimes, he would get with friends and they would steal some liquor. Never really thought to drink it. But boy did it burn. He liked to go down by the little creek in the woods... see what he could burn.

He heard the beast coming. The diesel engine roared and the loud whine of the brakes cried out when the beast would turn. Shuddered to a stop right there with a hydraulic burst as the doors came open, engine rattling away.

The old place of learning had many memories. It had stood down on that state road, back behind the fast food and right across from the old mall. They had renamed it after integration. In the scramble to rearrange the education system, a black high school had been rechristened and converted to a middle school. It had stood down in Nickeltown. Off state highway 291. Pleasantburg Drive. 

The city had been built around that river. All those years ago, back before the Revolution, it had been born as a summer retreat for the folks up from the port of Charleston. You see, South Carolina started in a union with North Carolina, both states named after one of the King Charles. Charleston was founded as Charles Town, the first major city and remains to this day the largest (by most measures). It gets rather hot, and the settlers were prone to sickness from the swampy water and the storms. So they picked up, traveled Northwest, across the midlands (where at that time there was mostly swampy lands, forests and some fields), straight up into the foothills. There, in the Cherokee hunting grounds they found that river. Not a particularly large one. They took to building some mills. A main street. They build this street called Church Street. Deadended into a Church. Eventually some carriage factories and some more mills. The cotton from the lower parts of the state could be made into textiles, and the city boomed on that industry eventually. But initially the mills were mostly for grinding grain. By the 1990s it was the 3rd largest city in the state and had served as state capital for about a month when the Union burned Columbia. Charleston had ceased being the state capital long ago. 

They had called it Pleasantburg. Hence the road name. Where the new name came from was... well, see it had been a resort of bits, and very forested and natural. Very Green. Then roundabout the Revolution, the Swamp Fox did the country justice, so they decided that he was the inspiration, though they dropped the extra e and put up a statue right on Main. The textile mills disappeared in the 70s. Downtown was boarded up. It became dangerous. So they decided they needed a change. The economy diversified, and downtown was remade. In the 90s it became safe and popular. 

So Nickeltown had a school. Right near the old city dump, which closed sometime in the 70s. It had a concrete courtyard in the front. The High School had featured a Swimming pool, which had been left to nature and become a green pond. But he could remember that concrete courtyard oh so well. Not the safest place in the world. The bomb threats, people throwing things at others, the fights, gang type behavior. He had been compelled to defend himself physically a time or two. By the time he left, he had been gone in his mind so far away that it's amazing anything came out at all. 

That was when he met the hospital. Seemed a safe place at the time. They said he had the depression. They say he couldn't think so clear. Yet by the time he left that school he was thinking of the end. The darkness of the mind was powerful, and he was in the grip. Took to writing dark things.

Under the overpass and by the river... past the water treatment plant and up that hill... Across the state road... Past Augusta... by the furniture store and down into the neighborhood by the interstate... then the last turn taking it up that hill by the woods, turning right into the big lot. 

Interesting place. walking from that lot into the school, if you turned to the right and went into those woods, you could find a grave or two. The school seemed like a fortress. So he built himself up strong to survive. 

Public Service Announcement

Thank you for tuning into DarknessUntilDawn...


I'd like to give a message from our usual Sponsors... the CDC, SCDHEC, ETC...


Do not try this at home. After reading this message, click on "Personal Thoughts", "Medical", "Musical Diagnoses" and read the problem list. I literally took it right off a discharge summary. 

If you are a patient, think about how carefully you take your medication, and how sick you want to be...

If you have the power to prescribe... think about how sick you want your patients to be. Keep in mind those DEA numbers on your pads. They are there for a reason.

If you are a health care professional... Keep HIPPA in mind when you work. Keep your patients' well-being in mind. Don't screw around with other professionals. Maintain independence.

I've been thinking about South Carolina a lot. How it was. How it's changing. This is why I'd like people to tune into Poetry and "Carolina Drugs". Because I don't want South Carolina to be that way. I want a clean and calm state. One in which drug use is just something that is not actually real. Where pills are hard to find. Where it is just a story. This should be a place where sirens are uncommon. A place with trees and sunshine. The Palmetto state.

Show Time

I've been thinking about Monday. Gotta hot date. This one's a looker, folks. Oh he likes my sense of humor. What should I talk about? So much on my mind... he learned my name pretty fast. We're going to a nice place. It's bright and well kept. I bet they love analogies. He likes it when I talk legal. It turns him on. He knows all my friends. I bet they are good with names. First names, last names, code names. We can play spy movie! Or clue!

It was Doctor So and so with the xanax! It was professor XYZ with the roaming eyes! Oh dating is so much fun. This one has good nails. Physically fit. We can talk psychology!

Extinction! Reflection! Validation! Annnnnd I feel so aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! Word play! And it feels so goooood!

Orange you glad you met me? I peel better these days. I've learned so much. Tell me about your father? 

I like my coffee with vanilla. We'll talk about the future. building bridges.

Yep, the talkers got me all set. To talk with someone else. 


On a side note, I've been thinking about the community and my concerns about boundaries. I'm very much hoping that anyone that has any sense who has worked with me professionally as a healthcare practitioner, particularly those with the power to prescribe, is taking their vacation days and rethinking their life a little. Maybe I shouldn't have worked with XYZ? Maybe I should have followed this law or that law? Maybe I should take an ethics refresher. Maybe I don't want DEA attention anymore. Maybe when this guy got flagged for Social Determinates of Health, maybe I popped up on one of those radars. Maybe I should think about retirement. Enjoying life. Maybe ECT is risky. Maybe rTMS should be used with caution. There's so many maybes. Hopefully before the governor talks to me. You know, before people start making threats of legal action. Before 600 pages of documents are secured from this hospital, before another hospital gets too much attention, before that hospital stops taking my patients, before people are buying guns... There's so much to think about... Maybe I shouldn't threaten people for holding others accountable? Maybe if someone is related to me, I shouldn't try to mess with their healthcare? oh so many maybes... Maybe I should think for a while... Maybe my family needs me... Maybe having my name in the paper, my picture on a wall, or ridiculous amounts of money is bad. Maybe promoting prescription drugs, especially off label, is the wrong kind of attention... Yes, perhaps I should go home and rethink my life... shut my trap now and then... maybe people don't always need to know what I think? maybe it stirs up resentment, rather than jealousy. Maybe I like keeping my job and I should do it properly, within boundaries, and shut the heck up? Naw... well... let's think about that... There's always church... but then, my uncle was a priest and that didn't work out so well. There's plenty of churches around...



Past Reflections