Darkness Until Dawn

Low CO2 at ER

At the ER I had low CO2 levels. that doesn't happen unless you're not getting enough oxygen. I've had trouble using the CPAP machine. Hallucinations can result from low oxygen levels. Or not eating enough. Whatever the initial cause was, I think the low CO2 levels mean more then the rest of what they found. I've gotten a lot of heat for the CPAP machine. Hospitals don't like it. Centers don't like it. It takes maintenance, it is loud, it is messy with the cables and tubes. I wasn't using it enough. the losses of consciousness, the hallucinations... I need to eat more and to use the CPAP more. My body's not that strong.

Bubble Boy

So here's something strange. Honestly, I don't feel like I've put a huge amount of conscious thought into this VNS device. It's one of those things that I don't feel I should try to understand that much, and it seems strange to me that people would want to know unless they have to. But the device is quite peculiar, and unfortunately by now I've had so many doctors, I was rather preferring to resign myself to being managed rather than actually managing all this.

Yet, in 2020, I made that decision to try being more natural. I've questioned that decision every single day. First it was no more Clozaril. Then it was the CPAP I started using less. Now it's the VNS. Now I'm having to use the CPAP again. Decrease one medication or intervention, back to another.

The neurologist no more a fan of the VNS decision than the psychiatrist about the Clozaril. At least I avoided feeling the need to threaten a lawsuit. My popularity among the doctors has plummeted.

It was foolish to think that I could make these changes and not attract attention. The more quietly I try to live, the more attention I seem to attract. I can't hide in the shadows forever, but how someone this medically complex lives a quiet life in the community while remaining in contact with other people seems to be beyond anyone's understanding on this earth.

I had struggled so much that I wanted to help other people understand. Then I face all the problems, and it seems like I'll be spending the rest of my life working them out.

I have collected many letters along the way. Medical terminology. I'm so tired of thinking about it. Where do you start with that many problems? I'm giving "strange" a new definition every day.

The VNS was turned down in frequency on February 25th. If the neurologist could have seemed more hesitant to do so I'm not sure how. Damn thing was making talking and swallowing difficult, and when you feel like you're drowning in saliva then you know you have a problem or two.

I've noticed a few things. First, these weird sensations in my head. at times the right side of my head throbs some down the temple, but more often the left side. then there's this isolated sensation that feels like the left hemisphere or right hemisphere pulsing. I don't even know the terminology for these sensations, but they can be quite distinct. Knowing that this device is used more for seizures then mental health is not particularly alarming to me, but I feel very aware of that fact and how much I use electronic devices and have sensitivity to loud noises or bright lights. I went from being numb and completely regulated to all sorts of weird feelings.

I would have rather left the journaling to the doctors but given how much this takes out of my life and how uncommon my life is, what can you do other than write about it and hope that somehow someone learns something. And I'd rather not spend the remainder of my life as a specimen. It's taken so much of my time.

I want so much to write about normal stuff and then end up doing nothing because my life is anything but normal. The amount of resentment in my heart... then they're like oh but you're strong! and I'm like, screw that. I'd like some new emotions please. But that's not how it works. I can't journal what I don't experience, can't talk about what I don't experience, can't do what isn't related to my biology or experiences. Then I'm looking for the cans. Today I can feel chest pain. swelling in my feet and they seem harder to move. Blood pressure has been funky.

When the VNS was first turned down, I had to remember how to breathe more naturally. There were times I stopped breathing. The dust allergy seems the least of it but it's easier to focus on that then the weird stuff that comes up with the VNS. It's truly quite disturbing. But I can't ignore it. Not when 911 becomes involved. Not when your social circle is limited to medical personnel. There's not enough denial in the world to hold that together.

PRISMO

Call the 911… for your emergency

Go to PRISMO… you’ll have emergencies

Bounce from offices

They all have the sign

Pretty colors… but they’re so ugly

In the ER, we don’t want to know

We got you programmed

So our lies can flow

Been here before?

We don’t know your name

It’s on the chart

But we’ll keep ask anyway.

Cuz we got games to play.

You got a problem??

We’ll manipulate

Enough offices…

To bounce the problems around.

You got ethics?

Don’t deny this.

It’s fucked as shit

You got a program?

You got drones too

You know what?

There are people in this community

That you belong to.

So take some feedback

And don’t deny it.

You don’t threaten me in the ER

You don’t play games with me

It’s no longer funny.

And you can’t control me too.

Cuz we got eyes and ears too.

You got some lawyers?

Community has lawyers too.

More then a few.

You’re there for emergencies

Don’t pretend otherwise

You’re here to stay?

SO AM I.

You got choices?

SO DO I.

You got records, cameras and microphones?

Play them publicly

See what happens.

Lose your state funds

And you could go down.

You play every second.

You could go down.

I may be ugly.

So are you.

You call it PRISMO?

Sounds like prison to me.

You might hurt me.

It’ll come back to you.

Bounce the pain around

Take the survey. Put it in lost and found.

Scrub your records.

You can’t scrub me.

You wanna yell at me?

I got a voice too.

Find another name for abuse.

That name will find you.

You need some feedback?

Here it is for you.

Don’t sabotage the community

Because they find you.

And they got lawyers too.

More then a few.

You got names yeah?

We got names too.

There's not enough people to blame

When you create blame too.

Written 2025, Accountec, LLC

Running

One foot in front of the other

We all sprint for the finish line.

Key in the ignition

The pistons fall into motion

Neuron charge to neuron charge

My head goes round in circles

I wanna run the distance

It’s oh so long a trail

Paranoid I turn my head

And there you are a following

I wanna be beautiful too

Just like you

The engine runs

But it’s falling apart

Frightened, I turn to you

Running my fingers down your face

Tracing something that can’t be traced

Following an invisible course

Into your consciousness

I find my place

Down here in front of you

Reaching up through space

To try to reach into your consciousness

I cannot break your consciousness

So close and yet so far

Carefully, slowly, my finger withdraws

Fill this pause up

With words that remain unsaid

All the world up in your eyes

Break me, hate me, just hear my words!

I know your future holds great things

And I’d never wish to destroy what it brings

I won’t blame you if you run…

I will still find my way when this is done.

All I desire is shelter from the storm,

And I find that here with you.

I will still be running after you’re gone

I will still be running once you’ve flown

The pistons are turning

My light is still burning

Spread your wings my friend

Spread your wings

It’s time to fly

This is how our friendship ends

In the simple word goodbye.

©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

Inspiration

Inspiration is a demon

And it watches me.

I’d rather not hear the clock.

When fingers move of their own accord

I fear the consequences.

Check, check, recheck.

I’d like to have fewer opinions

Yours or mine,

It makes no difference.

When fingers are like machine guns…

Then you have a problem.

Why they move, I do not know.

Yet they insist on doing so.

©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

3.28.2025

This iz yor FABORITE arachnid here, Spidey! A warm shout out to di Angels ob di Nort Wing ob di castle. Serbin di fiercest since 1969!

The Kill Switch

Again, this is not an advice or gossip column. But I will say this: you know someone with a dissociative disorder, you don't mess with it. It's not a good idea. Playing with fire. If you have to, you keep them grounded, you don't try to save them. There is no saving someone in dissociation. You can tell from the eyes. The faraway look. Sometimes it is simply a chemical or drug reaction. For me it's not that simple.

I've seen it with other people. A man with PTSD. War vet. Faraway. The Theranos founder. Never met her. No doubt in my mind that she was dissociating. You don't do that much, go that far, have such a dark past, fool that many people, or crash that violently without disconnecting and reconnecting to reality. If she doesn't have a dissociative disorder, then I'm Donald Trump.

That said, I think I have it all mapped out. Now I'm going with numbers, to protect my privacy. Anyways, there's 8. I have the origins and the activities, and the time periods and circumstances of activation more clearly mapped out. I wanted fewer because the more you have, the harder it is to learn and to control. They have similarities and differences. They were created and activated at different times. Certain people and places bring different ones out. Certain memories bring different ones out.

With classic PTSD, it's a specific set of memories and triggers. With complex PTSD or DID, it really does get complicated. Multiple sets of memories, skillsets, triggers.

When one or more of these sets gets too activated, it can look like Bipolar. It's more like a system overload or dissociation. The drugs suppress the dissociation. They don't make the past go away. That's why they are called anti-psychotics. Psychosis is a permanent break caused by chemical imbalances that generally require medication to suppress, and they respond to that medication. I don't hear messages in the world. I don't see external patterns. They are internal messages and patterns, and they stay internal until you work them out and even then, the memories are still there but they don't trigger dissociation. The antipsychotics simply disable me for a time, with dissociation still running in the background.

Generally, when that happens, I feel unsafe. Then I have the kill switch. That starts with telling someone. A professional. Gotta shut it down. Like a computer. I try to keep it simple. System overload. Shut it down. Maintenance time. Take me offline.

Presence

Your Presence is like a smile in my soul

When darkness preys on my mind

I think of you and my heart is warm.

Your voice is like a song in my heart

The words are verse and the tone is the melody

It makes me strong just to hear you call

Your eyes are the looking glass I hold dear

Within them I see everything that we are

A gallery of memories shining brightly through

Dance with me, we’ll make our own tune

Laughter that echoes louder than a symphony

And more sweetly then the finest chimes.

It echoes forever through the sands of time.

Trigger

For Ashes, life was always about the spark. The hard part was avoiding a wild fire. With the spark, everything was meaningless. But after a wildfire, there is nothing but death remaining. Ashes had seen a few wildfires in his time. In fact, that is how she found him.

It had been a day like any other day, back in another lifetime, when he had used a different name and lived a completely different life. Flames of hatred came down on him daily, until they consumed him. When there was just a shell of a person left, he was thrown out of the home he had known and was to never return.

So he wandered aimlessly, a broken shell looking for something that broken people can’t find: love, compassion, acceptance. He worked odd jobs and found shelter where he could. It wore on him. Always a different place, low pay, total isolation.

He found himself in a store, staring at the food on display, yet with no coin to buy any. It would be so easy just to take some. He was so very hungry and discouraged. He noticed a strange scent of grass in the air and his skin tingled with goosebumps and a shiver. He turned and scanned the store, his eyes darting between the handful of customers and the suspicious looking clerk, then at the door. He felt a warmth on the back of his neck like a blown breath and spun around, knocking over two displays and tumbling to the floor to the sound of laughter and the sharp voice of the clerk. Angry, he jumped to his feet, primed for a fight, but the clerk and the customers merely stared at him, seemingly oblivious. A girlish giggle erupted behind him and he spun around again, only to face empty space. He heard the voice of the clerk speaking into the phone, and then a panicked whisper.

“Run!”

And he ran.

He’d never forget the day he met her.

Suddenly a burst of laughter erupted right behind him.

Jess had a way of sparkling. She was a light. A beacon. She loved life and she loved to celebrate life. We found each other seemingly by accident. For her it was fate. She never asked him. To her there was no question.

They had a connection like no other. She understood his boldness, his strong willed spirit. He knew she would stand by him, right or wrong, for better or for worse. She was the first voice he heard. Anyone who had her trust had his as well.

They were one that was two, brought together for a purpose.

You see, when Jess found Ashes, he was drifting. He was in a life that wasn’t working, but surrounded by people determined to keep him there. Sometimes persistence is a wonderful thing. But Ashes hadn’t learned when to quit. Sometimes two people are looking for each other without even knowing it. Then they found each other, and at that point he was ready to change.

Interrogation

There was a loud impact not 30 yards off, followed by something or someone crashing through brush and over rough terrain. Then Ashes realized that there was not one, but two creatures hurtling straight towards him, obscured by thicket and trees. As his ears attuned to the chaos, he realized that one was chasing the other, though the front runner moved with agility and much greater speed. At the same time, he heard a loud bird call in the distance, which could only mean that Diamond was moving towards with all haste. For a split second Ashes’ mind went from the runners to Sarah to Jenn and back and forth until suddenly he began breathing again and clarity and context returned to his consciousness.

Eddie burst out of the brush, his tongue lolling despite himself. Jess could be heard whimpering not far behind.

For a moment they just stared at each other, Eddie eying the tree line across the road and Ashes too stunned to react.

“Hey there!” a sweet voice called. Eddie and Ashes both looked to the East to see Diamond smiling at Eddie as she casually walked over, as if they were good friends.

To Ashes’s surprise, the strange creature stepped forward to meet her, and even licked her hand. Then Jess came crashing and limping out of the forest, and Ashes rushed to help her. Sarah kept talking to Eddie and even had him doing tricks by the time Jess’s sprained ankle was ready to move again. Even Jenn seemed flabber ghasted. Sarah certainly had her way.

Vigilance

Sarah was poised, motionless, on a large tree branch near the point where the trail looped back around the perimeter towards the footbridge by the clearing. Her eyes were closed and her brow furrowed in focus as she listened. Above the rustle of the faint breeze she could hear the faint sound of the water moving down the riverbed. Birds called and the occasional squirrel darted about.

This is where she belonged, out in the world, losing herself in the flow of time. Her body was like a metronome set to the rhythm of nature. She did not miss a thing. Today she was perfectly in tune. She needed to be. The gang really needed this.

The sun was sifting through the trees, the air warm and calm. She smiled as she watched the birds

That’s when she heard the scream.

Meanwhile...

“I don’t know vhat you see in this stuff.” Vlad said as he sipped a fresh glass of gnat juice.

Dat bat. Nebber before had ennyone gotten so far under Spidey’s carapace. He was worse den a can ob Ortho Home Defense. Now he had di nerb to insult Spidey’s specialty beverage.

“I tell you vhat is truly delightful, a nice bottle of A negative with extra platelets. Last time I flew by DI/LO they were having a sale… 4 pint barrels, 2 for a forearm. Vhy, there were undead lining up past the rusted gates. I saw one ripping off an arm near the entrance. It was to live for!”

All dis talk about di dead. And nebber enough about DI/LO. Vlad’s eyes just light up when he talks about blood. On and on, di types and di qualities ob di stuff. Drive an arachnid just plain webby. Worse, now der were udders around, the bat tells me. Humans!

“Quite dull around this wooden castle. Reminds me of my uncle Boromir. We used to call him Bor. He never figured out why. You know what hits the spot? A vell chilled glass of A negative. I vonder if they still have that sale…”

Spidey almost got him out the window when he thought to stay to see if the humans returned.

Vlad set his glass down and flew to the rafters again. “It’s getting late in the day.”

He had dat look agin. Good thing Spidey doesn’t bleed.

“I vonder vhen those humans will return.” He said, gazing wistfully out di window.

Spidey crawled to the corner and started spinning thread. Too many guests! Spidey channel his frustration into his labor. Maybe start a whole new cobweb.