Hatred

Dear Elle,

    It's too bad you weren't there. I don't know what they have told you. I don't know what you believe. But they are filling my head with hatred and bullshit. Maybe they think I deserve it. Maybe they think they are teaching me a "lesson". I think the hospital is failing. Badly. Missing the whole damn point. 

    Hatred does not heal a person. Threats and drugs do not heal a person. Lying does not heal a person. Missing the whole damn point. I'm getting lost here. I wish you had been there. I wish I would have recognized Small but I don't think I wanted to. I did not want to be back in that hospital. Now they want me to try again. Again. This is beyond ridiculous. I used to feel safe there. And you would watch over me. Now I have trouble staying present. Fading out. I hate the fading out. I don't know what they are doing. You always had a better way.

I think threatening each other with legal action is not the way to go. Demonizing me, making me afraid of my meds, not the way to go. Shipping me to other hospitals or states, not the way to go. Fix your damn problems. Stop teaching bullshit. Then I won't have to be the one you couldn't fix. A failure on the part of the student is a failure of the teacher.

Talk some sense into them. 

Ashes