Me trying to think straight

Well, heard back from the psychiatrist, steady as she goes there. Maintain strong boundaries, communicate with internist. I left a message with the internist. I don't know how someone could think so much and have trouble keeping thoughts together. But this isn't supposed to be a race. Seems that with my stress level going down, the physical and mental symptoms have improved. My energy is still very low. If the world can be patient, I can be patient. There's some past to get past. I did push too hard at the tax office. I get so excited about working and towards deadline time I was barely holding on. Yet that or mental illness seems to be all people know about me sometimes. I don't need people to know a lot. I don't see why I have to talk so much. I like keeping my peace. 

What with this weather I'm not excited about picking up the refill. I have the old ones. I think I may have to just use the smaller tablets, same dose. Same medicine. I so do not want to go back there. I'm not in love with this medication. You may think I am. I'm not. It's something I have to do.

The rain keeps me grounded. Sitting in the car listening to the rain. 

So now it seems to be down to the house and appointment. Always loved a good rainstorm. And seeing the stars. I could almost play that Calm music all day. I've listened to two actual songs since getting out. That frequency music just settles me right down. I'll find my sense of humor again one of these days. I haven't really laughed in the longest time. So disconnected from my emotions. 

I really don't know how much people actually care. All I know is I've gotten a lot of heat. There's always something. I used to take life less seriously. Now it seems to be bridging gaps. So many gaps and so many bridges to build. My throat feels better. Unless I talk too much. The magnet freaked me out because one time it seemed to cause a malfunction where I felt the wire in my shoulder heat up and I was in pain. But the nuerologist reprogrammed the device. But if I'm turning it off to talk all the time then it's not actually working as much. So I like to space out my talking. Voice wasn't incredibly strong to start with.

How one can be so tired? Tired of the get over it bullshit. Just let me be. You don't have to be involved. 

Mirage

 I am the mirage in your mind

Whatever you see in me is not really there

Whatever you hear is an illusion of your mind

If you need me, you have me in your mind

you can visit me there...

My body is not who I am

Nor is my mind.

Do not chase me in the desert

For you will die of thirst.

But I am there for you when you need me

I'm there in your mind's eye

If I am in your heart,

That is your choice

But do not chase me.

I am your hallucination

I am your imagination

Do not chase what is not real

For you will never catch it.

I am your mirage.

I am imperfect.

Let me fade.

©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

4/7/2025

I was a little restless last night. Took the hydrozine yesterday and that helped. Been thinking about the specific things I need to do.

1. update internist

2. get refill

3. House Prep

4. appointment

5. Get some more food basics

6. file tax extension

Still getting lost in my head and sensitive to noise. Applying maximum boundaries and prioritizing medical, keeping my head clear, and my eyes forward. If other people can just filter me out, that's what I need. I don't know what one reasonably accomplishes in one day, but I do not have the energy to deal with anyone for the foreseeable future. And the more you drag me in, the less I will be able to be in your life. If you don't want me to be a problem, stay away from me, filter me out, pretend you don't know me, for the love of God, ignore me as much as possible. This is exhausting. Do not make me be a problem.

Boundaries

I also want to reemphasize the importance of boundaries. You see something on this site that might hurt someone's feelings or cause harm, you don't need to share it with them. Whether that is your friend, a neighbor, a family member, this site is not intended for people to use it as a tool to cause harm. It is not an advisory site. It is not intended as a gossip column. Read it if it benefits you personally. If it helps you to deal with something, entertains you, benefits you in some way. Don't use it against anyone. Don't read it if it upsets you. Don't take it as life advice. If you are under the age of 18, consult an adult if you have concerns or are upset by the content. This site does not endorse drug use, unsafe sex, gambling, risk taking, or irresponsible behavior of any kind. If you or a loved one are in Crisis, please call the 988 hotline for mental health support, 911 for medical support. 

Checkers

The checkers are at it again. They check, recheck, cross check, check again, find this person to drag in or that person to manipulate, then they find something new to complain about. It changes by the hour, the complaints and the solutions and the people they try to manipulate or complain to. It's a regular newsflash around here. Every minute they find a problem to obsess about. Then it's check, recheck, cross check, find someone to drag in or demonize. It never ends. Each day it starts, and it goes from here to there and back again. Yep, here's something new. This is the wrong color. This doesn't taste quite right? Who is not good enough at this moment. Is it this person? that person? who can we blame now? How do we fix and control and arrange the world in this exact moment? Oh, let's blame this person. Let's fix this. Let's slam and run around and do all this ridiculousness and then talk about our greatness. Uh no! This person didn't use the right words! that person looked at me funny! Let's complain loudly in public. Let's have a group bitching. Yes, that feels good. All together now! Where do we run and control next? Aww... that person hurt my feelings because they didn't smile and say yes loud enough. This person didn't jump to the ready at the exact right moment! 

Every second of every day. Some people something or someone to manage. Something to fix. No they can't sit still. They gotta run around. Control the world. God forbid someone say no. God forbid people be honest. Nope, we'll keep asking different people until we get the answers we want. One person and one day at a time. Controlling the world. Making it just like us. Because that's the way it needs to be. Of course. Until the end of time. Because there is no God, we are God. And we know it. We have the letters after our names. And that is the holiest of holy. The ultimate high. Controlling the world, one other human at a time. Someday this human will get tired of this, so we'll find another to control. Until we've controlled so very many. 

Oh the glory that is us. Until our backs are turned and people speak the truth. But we'll ignore it. Because what we do. We make our lies and then reinforce them every day. Every moment. Until we are dead and in the ground. And then there will just be the name. Isn't it great? So pretty. Until it isn't, and then we gotta make it pretty or replace it with something else. Absolutely beautiful. And ugly as sin. But we'll keep lying to ourselves, day by day, finding something or someone new to use, because that's what we do. So beautifully ugly. 

Or maybe, just maybe, life really is ok. And at some point there's nothing left to fix. I dunno. One would think. But then, thinking is overrated, right? Unless I'm right, then it's great. Fantastic. Absolutely. 

Can only run so many people into the ground before they get really pissed off about it. But maybe you really are happy. Hard to say. But eventually the truth catches up. And you run out of strings. And then what's left? a name and a bunch of pissed off people. That's not what I want. But don't listen to me, throw me out, throw out my things, have me redoctored and reconfigured every few months. Great use of resources. Or maybe, just maybe, it's ok the way it is. Let's take a survey of the community here. Ignore the results. then pat ourselves on the backs and talk about how great we are.

THAT IS INSANITY. Give a a dx. Dress it up. Medicate it. Get it support groups. How many people can we asylum today? So hard to choose. There's so many that are not like us. We gotta find some place to put them. Nope, move that one here and this one there. Let's change the dx again. But I like this dx! It's pretty. I like giving it a name. AND AN ACRONYM! ACRYNYMS ARE COOL! Up, this one needs more management. This other one is falling short of perfect. Here's a new dx. No, let's try that one. Let's consult a specialist. Nope, I don't agree with that one. Let's go to this place I found online. It's in MA! no here's one in VA! Oh but what have they invented now? what are the side effects? 

Everyday just another med! YAY! Dosage #1? Dosage #2? Well we better call this doctor and complain.

Never ends. Never ends. It just starts all over again. Every day. Round and round and back again! Oh but we have letters! Let's all stand around and congratulate ourselves. Now let's go out to eat and do it and fuss and complain loudly and piss everyone off and pretend we don't notice. Or maybe we can shut up and mind our own business. No that would never work. Let's find something else to manipulate. Do you like Indian? Do you like Thai? Oh but I have to have middle eastern! You ever heard of food? you eat it. It's everywhere. Sometimes it doesn't even need a name. Just a thought.

Where the minding my own business in this, I do not know. But it's getting rather annoying. MAYBE SHIT IS OK THE WAY IT IS. MAYBE WE CAN ALL SHUT UP, DO WHAT WE NEED TO DO, and GO HOME. NO? Not yet. Find something else to fix. Find something to clean. Find something that is in some small way displeasing and rearrange it. Better yet, let's argue about how it needs to be and rope someone else into doing it and then complain about the work and then rethink it and find someone else to redo it. Every single day. again and again. Cuz we need our fancy things and our self-admiration and the recognition. No, we'll never stop. We'll just find something or someone else to fix. Because that's what we do. We don't mind our own business. EVEN IF PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING THE RIGHT WORDS DIRECTLY AT US. Nope. We'd never do that. We'll find something else to be upset about. Cuz we're so perfect. Nope, we won't listen. We'll just keep doing what we do. And then we'll have support groups so we can bitch about it. And we'll complain about the other people who don't measure up. That's what we do. Nope, can't be happy till we have all the money and the fame and the recognition in the entire planet. And then one day we'll be buried in a field under a tree with our names on everything. Cuz we're God, and we love being God. We'll lie to people and say we believe in God, and then turn around and proudly call ourselves atheists behind closed doors. Kiss the royal ring. talk about how shiny it is. It's so pretty. and everyone admires us. and we pissed off when they don't act like it, and say the right words. We're deaf until we choose to listen. Cuz we gotta run around!

You're sure this is sane? Cuz I've got a few dozen questions about this logic. But let's rope more people in and manipulate them into getting this treatment or that, this center or that center. Let's play musical solutions. One moment at a time. Tomorrow we'll pick this solution or that center. The next day, well, we'll find another. Run around town. Spreading our crazy. Cuz that's what we do. Find someone else to smile and agree and get us what we want. everyday.

MIP March 2025

    What did learn from MIP? I learned what to filter out. What limits to set. They didn't like that I was there. Again. But I thought of what key people have told me. The psychiatrists that follow me, the counselor that follows me, and the psychologist from the outpatient program. Avoiding making friends with dysfunctional people. Ignoring their games and their misguided comments. Filtering things out. Not being so focused on names. not playing different people against each other. sticking to basic truths.     I learned more about what things to ignore. When to say enough is enough. Shutting down gossip and not buying into beliefs that are not healthy. When I need to be clear. When I need to make threats. How to process and let go of what remains. 

    I was there for a week. I did a lot of thinking. There are people whose advice remains guiding principles. The rest, unfortunately, I have to let roll off. I've had a lot of mentors. I have gotten a lot of good advice. But I have to choose the advice that works for me. 

    I did very little talking. I was very careful about what I bought into. Hospitals and centers are full of influences and advice. Be careful what you buy into. Sometimes I have to heed my own counsel. playing musical advisors or musical influencers... yeah you can experience a lot. But it can lead you down dark paths. Slowly or all at once. Can't please everyone. I'm choosing my people carefully. I'm filtering some things out. I've had trouble trusting psychiatrists. Some of them can be slippery or cold. They don't know everything. I can't expect them to. Yet as much heat as I get for relying on them, as hard as I find it to communicate with them, I liked what that one and the outpatient one are doing. As far as coordination of care, I signed the necessary releases after they discharged me, and whether people like it or not, I'm keeping the same doctors and other medical staff. I can't play musical medical staff. But I'd rather not return to the Memorial medical campus anymore then I absolutely have to. I'm being more careful what I say. That's not paranoia. That's boundaries. I'd rather not involve more people in these hallucinations or PTSD or whatever any more than necessary. To me that's boundaries. Yes, I live by myself. Yes, I don't go out much. No, it still doesn't seem like a good idea to do so. No, I don't know when that will change. And there will always be people that resent me for being who I am. So stay out of my life. Don't get involved. If you know you don't like me, don't be around me. You have choices. You send me somewhere else, someone else will find something to dislike about that. I can't make my own referrals. If no one makes a referral to gateway, I can't go there. No one has. No one intends to. I don't see how it would help but it's not even up to me. I can't go there without a referral. No one is making that referral. Not MIP. Not Brownell. Not the counselor. No one. That is actually, outside of my control. When I have so much medical to focus on, and I'm trying to reintegrate, another center isn't gonna make a difference. If these professionals disagreed, they would have already made that referral. I'm not giving them instructions; they are making decisions. I'm not stubborn. I'm heeding professional advice. I can't tell them what referrals to make. Phoenix is a limited time program. It doesn't fix this. This truly is mental health. Let the professionals do their jobs, mind your own damn business. Stop being fake and controlling. Leave me alone. I don't need that many people in my life. Let me focus on the medical. I can't fake these results. It's not possible. You don't need to talk to me? You don't want to talk to me? Then don't. How much more needs to be said before people shut up and mind their own business? You don't want emergencies? you don't want stress? Just keep you mouths shut and your eyes on your business. I'm trying to do the same. No more advice. Let the professionals do their job. You're pissing them off. Not just me. Them too. MIP. Counselor. ER. No one is happy about this. Stop trying to control me and them. Let them do their jobs. As far as the house, it's completely unclear to me what exactly needs to be thrown away, but I'm cleaning it. But the until the internist says more about the blood pressure, I can only do so much driving and moving around. You're never gonna listen. I could put it in five languages, you'll still be pissed. You have some things to get over too. Mind your own business. You're gonna kill me this way. Running me here and there. Let the professionals do their job. I'll probably never know what makes you happy. I'm tired of trying. Stay out of my life unless you actually want to be in it. Whatever you think I am. Let that go. Whoever I am, take from that what is actually there, and stop trying to program me. One day you'll have to actually listen to something I say and really hear it, or stop listening and being around me entirely. In the meantime, let me mind my own business. 

Blood Pressure

 Well, it went back up again. 144/87. I'd better update the psychiatrist. Tomorrow it's the picking up of the meds, calling the internist, and visiting the house again. Y'all know who you are. Don't get too involved in this shit. You know my name. Use it if you need to. But this blood pressure thing has to have my attention right now. My foot is usually best in the middle of the day. So that's when I'll do my necessary driving. Medication refill. Go by the house. Counseling checks on me at 2. This is my life. now you all can see. This is it. day by day. Is it pretty? This is me trying to mind my own business. Not cause harm. This is it. You don't have to see me. You don't have to know me. You can mind your own business too. For me it has to revolve around doctors and symptoms. No Center or person with letters after their name can change that. I don't know how much you want me to do. But my body is only so strong. The medical tests can't be faked. I'm not that creative. Unless you want a medical following me around to keep the records, you may have to rely on the numbers in the charts and the numbers that I get. I'm not so creative that I can create patterns. I'm not interested in trying. I'd like to work out the problems I have and not endanger anyone. Pretend you don't know me if you don't like it. Just find me a little less interesting, if you could. You've got other things to talk about and to do. It's not like I said to myself, well maybe I'd like to be medically complex. I didn't come up with the term. They gave it to me. One of their brilliant ideas. I'm trying to pick up fewer ideas. Stick with the long lists on the charts. All the letters. I'm trying to let those letters stay on the charts. focus on reality. Right now that's the blood pressure. There's only so much more I want to know. 

Name Avoidance Disorder

    How many names do I need to know? Seriously? Do I need to know everyone's name? But oh no, he doesn't know this person's name or that person's name!! National Emergency. Call 911, he doesn't know my name! How many names do I really need to know? 

    If they ask me to consult XYZ one more, I'm going to go ballistic. He is not the only doctor in this world, and it really is pissing the doctors off to have other doctors giving feedback. It's not ethical. We need to take that name down a few notches. It's pissing people off. If I have to be the one to say it, then I'll say it for the benefit of the community. It's just a name. Take it down a few notches.

    Some people in particular need to hear that and they're rather pissed off at me right now. There are other people in this community and people with my last name do not need to be controlling the community or causing chaos. It's getting old. They're getting pissed off. It's just a name and people with this name do not know everything. Including but not limited to myself.

Ethics and Control

    The thing about people with letters, the doctors, the social workers, the counselors... They don't like being manipulated. They don't like it when you don't follow their instructions, they don't like having opinions fed to them, they don't like not being included in decisions, they don't like other people with letters interfering, and don't like being gossiped about. I've made these mistakes. But these people with letters don't stop interfering with each other, then shit storm gets worse. LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS. DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM. DON'T FEED THEM OPINIONS. I CAN'T CONTROL THEM ANYMORE THEN YOU CAN. And if you have letters after your name and someone with letters finds out you contradicted your instructions for someone under your care, that really pisses you off. 

    The internist said stay at home. STAY AT HOME. HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND. AM I GONNA HAVE TO RECORD HER VOICE AND PLAY IT BACK FOR YOU? IS THAT WHAT IT TAKES? YOU THINK SHE APPRECIATES THIS? No, you want me running around town. If my right foot is numb when I'm driving, what then? The walking is easier then the more targeted motions like driving. There is common sense here somewhere.

    You people with letters better mind your own damn business and stop interfering with each other. It's not helpful. It's really the Internist, the Psychiatrist, and the Counselor I need to follow right now. The GI doc, I just take the prilosec each AM and watch my diet. The neurologist did her job. The Psychiatrist, I have to schedule the appointment because they refused to coordinate care and I'll have to drive to that place or do the video appointment and he hates when I do the video but I really do not think I need to be driving a lot of places and that particular place is not easy to drive to. YOU THINK YOU CAN COORDINATE A LITTLE BETTER ER/MEMORIAL? Anyways. I suppose I could message the psychiatrist about moving the refill so I can drive to my place and go to the pharmacy right near it instead of driving multiple places. They just love hearing from me. No, they are not going to be happy till I'm running around town. They got a schedule to keep. 

    Just took my morning meds. doing the calm app. If I'm good at communicating in writing then maybe that's what I should do. I'll journal every single day. That'll be your communication know you don't like it. But when I say my say my voice isn't great, again, and again and again... well maybe there's something to that. When I say my voice isn't good, do I need a letter from the neurologist saying that i shouldn't talk much? I like to rest it. I'll need to check the blood pressure again at noon. trying to get it below 125/80. when the lower number goes above 80, that seems to be when my foot doesn't work as well. The left one is rather perky.

    No people will always be pissed off I don't say much. Some people don't say much and do just fine. If I can be ok with it, why can't other people? communicating visually isn't a crime. Gets on people's nerves. I don't speak loudly. Not for long periods. 

    I need to wash up. Check my blood pressure around noon, then try to go by my place to get it ready for the repairs. Tomorrow I'll have to focus on getting to the hospital to get that medication. How hard can it be to get an LPC, an internist, and a psychiatrist to work together and mind my own business? Keep the rest of the snakes at bay? Gonna have to find out, day by day. The rest of the people with letters have done their jobs. There's only so many places you can ship me. And if I keep driving like this, that would contradict pretty much all the people with letters. Yet you want me running around town, from here to there? Brilliant. Keep it up. Soon we'll all be dead. Soon we'll be having wellness checks from public safety. That'll make you real happy, won't it? You think police want to worry about me? you think they don't have enough on their plate? Without wellness checks and stuff like that? You think people driving around without feeling in my right foot?

Sunday, Medical

     Yesterday my blood pressure was 129/88. My right foot still tingles and stops responding at times. The headaches and weird head sensations have calmed down. I think that was more stress. Still some chest pain yesterday. Liver occasionally feels weird. Trying to make sure I take the Prilosec on the empty stomach and the others with food. 

    I've come out of a coma twice. My body is not that strong. You'd better wipe those damn smiles off your faces. This shit isn't funny. 

    I really don't need fancy things. I need to not be running around town, exhausting myself when my body doesn't reliably function. I need to not have to call EMS. I need to avoid stress and allergens, which happen to occur in many places around town. I mean right now my right foot barely moves! And you want me driving? Brilliant. I have to keep people safe too. How many EMTS and doctors have to tell me to rest and take care of myself before people get the point? You don't just "FIX" these things with drugs and support groups. It takes time. It takes rest. If I want to mind my own business and take care of my body, then maybe that's what I should do, instead of getting another doctor or counselor or somebody with letters after their name telling me to do that. 

    Hallucinations can come from all sorts of things. Medication, lack of blood sugar, lack of oxygen, and yes, mental illness. I know they are not real. 

    I don't have a problem with the internist and yet they want more opinions. Just yesterday they wanted me to ask my brother. You think the doctors appreciate that? you gonna let them do their job? They have medical degrees too. maybe they would appreciate being allowed to do their job without other doctors being involved. They've mentioned that a time or two. Not the internist. Not yet anyways. But you keep this shit up, then yeah no one will want to work with me simply because there's too many opinions involved. Less opinions would be fantastic. We can't control the world people. It pisses people off. I can handle some pain. Within limits. If I didn't think I had problems then I would be running around, doing stupid shit. Yet I'm at home trying to take care of myself. SMART MAYBE?

    Yeah, I get frustrated. Everybody gets frustrated. I'd rather not spread it around. From this center to that center. Everybody knows the list of diagnoses. Alphabet soup. It's on the charts, so what does it matter? I need to go around talking to people about that shit? I don't think so. I don't have a referral to gateway house. How's phoenix going to help with this? You want me to pass out driving? you want someone to have to call EMS? You think people like seeing this shit? 

    I don't know how to help people. I'm trying to help myself. What are they going to learn about VNS? The neurologist gets nervous about it. Maybe I should be too. Gotta take something seriously. You don't want me embarrassing people or making them uncomfortable or having medical emergencies? Maybe I should rest. Eat. sleep. avoid stress. The things that have worked since the beginning of time. 

    If I can think clearly enough to say something useful, I'll say it. Otherwise, I'll keep my silence. I don't need a lot of conversation. The left foot almost always feels 100% normal. It's just the right one. I guess it's my dominant foot. Right-handed. Maybe with the stress and relying on my right side too much. But I have had alternating sensations on the right or left side of my body. I don't know exactly what that means. It mostly comes out in the face. Sometimes I feel twitchy. Right foot is barely moving. I'm supposed to work the different parts of my body regularly. So I get up and I walk, Stretch, that kinda thing. Just basic stuff. I'd rather not shoot my mouth off in public right now. Sometimes I say weird shit. And typing is easier then talking. Especially when people are lying to you. Trying to manipulate you. They can read. They got letters after their names, most of them.

    Yeah I like music. I like the Calm app. I used it a lot yesterday. The breathing exercises, the mood check ins, the music with the frequencies that enhance sleep. The sleep enhancing music was a god send. Right there on my phone. Didn't need to talk to anyone. Helped me just fine. I've been trying to get more regular with that app. I get bored, I get frustrated. The tinnitus isn't so bad. Sometimes I think about getting earplugs from the store. Then I worry that I might not hear something important. The CPAP seems to be doing fine, other then that filter door being broke and me not being able to change the filters properly. Tried to fix it. The supply store gave me the run around. The doctor said I had another two years before it could be replaced. That was about a year ago. So I wash the tubing, the mask, and the chamber, and I replace the tubing and mask, and I fill it with the distilled water. 

    And I listen to people complain about my medical problems and my counselor and my doctors and then I listen to the doctors complain that I'm not following instructions and we're back to the blame game. Funny that the only person not trying to blame someone is my counselor. Funny that they'll never give her credit for doing her job. You wanna demonize someone? demonize me if you have to. Give the other people a rest maybe? it's pissing them off. And someone will end up dead or seriously injured if this shit doesn't stop. Get off your high horses. You're not that smart. You're not that great. Do your damn jobs, keep your mouths shut. Mind your own damn business. Don't make me contact SCDHEC or DSS. I can make reports just fine. I really do not like to. 

I've got to get to that hospital to get the Seroquel refill. by tomorrow. Not feeling great about driving or especially going to that hospital but they insist on filling it there and they refuse to transfer it to my pharmacy. That's been a major issue for me. But God forbid I ask someone for help. To even drive somewhere for me. I need my headphones. It helps with the music. Better go eat something.

Medical, Post ER, 15 days

 I figured today I might as well review the medical some more. there's plenty of it. I've lost my privacy. What does it matter to lose some more. 

ER - Abnormal Results

Acetaminophen Level - Low

Ketones - High

Neutrophilis - High

Lymphocytes - Low

Anion Gap (whatever that means) - High

CO2 - Low

Nothing wrong Doc? you sure? You kept me for a reason, yes? well there you go. You did your job. The staff can save their comments and threats. And if they start a catheter and refuse to change the bag, there's a lawyer for that too. Don't act like you don't know that I'm in pain. You got eyes and ears. Don't pretend I didn't say something. And instructing me to change it myself. There's malpractice right there. Yeah, I know big words, too. I'd rather not use them. I'm tired of this shit. You got cameras and microphones. Play them. See what happens. You want a lawsuit? you want the state asking questions? you better be damned careful. I really don't think we need to go down that road. Scrubbing the records won't account for the time and the conflicting stories.

EKGs were normal at the ER and again at the internist. The Nurse left a mychart message after yesterday's update. VM was full. Need to call them back. Blood pressure was better yesterday though. like 128/80, down from 134/80. Less pain. Feeling more grounded. There's a start there. 

Ordered some hypoallergenic sheets. The pillow cases and the mattress cover were already that, but the sheets themselves were not. Details.

Neighbors are caring for the cat. That's nice. He makes me smile.

Stomach has been better, but my strength is not great. Trouble standing, walking, talking, driving. That's why I don't like running around to this center and that center. The talking does seem better since the VNS decrease. Last night I had one of those feeling like I was drowning in saliva moments, but nothing I'm not used to. The walking isn't really big problem, but standing for long periods isn't easy, and if your right foot has transient numbness then driving is not a great idea, ya think? gas pedal, brake pedal? Doesn't take a genius. It'll go away. that doesn't come up much. But I'm still having it today. They say stay home for a reason. The Internist, counselor. They're not stupid. You want someone running around who functions like this? People gonna get hurt that way. Oh you need to be around people, you need to be around people! Not if they're gonna get hurt, I don't need to be around them. Common sense.

Why this has to be a war, and I can't just try to mind my own business, I will never understand. Maybe I"m stupid that way, but you don't labels or degrees to understand this stuff. Common sense. Cuz I don't actually fancy food, fancy clothes, fancy this or that. Yeah, I use my computer and phone a lot. Long fingers. Easy to communicate and manage life that way. Get over it. Move on. You want me to get over it and move on? you too. Get over it. Not the end of the world. 

Proud? No, I'm not proud of this. I'm trying to get by, believe it or not, and one of these days you'll have to believe something I say and stop trying to rearrange it to suit your preferences. This doesn't have to be that messy if you don't try to control me. There doesn't have to be threats or intimidation. There can just be life. And it pisses people off in the community when others are too controlling. It's not respectful. No one likes being manipulated. Not MIP. Not my counselor. Not anyone. Gateway and Phoenix would not appreciate it either. And yet I'm supposed to force my counselor to come up with a referral that she doesn't agree with. People don't like being used. Stop trying to sabotage. I'm taking the damn meds. I have not had any substance other then caffeine and meds. Get over it. Stopped chewing the nicotine gum because I never even smoked and I don't understand starting a new substance. It's like you're trying to create more evidence for a substance abuse problem and I've had it with you people. You wanna paper trail? well here we go. Let's have paper trails. You can't fake these medical problems and they're nothing new. You drew the labs. Your names are on the paperwork. Deny that. The problems haven't changed much. 

Paranoid? no. Just not interested in manipulating people or being manipulated. Some people keep to themselves and do just fine. If I have problems I can't manage, I keep them limited to professionals because these kinda problems can scare people. I don't like them either. Why I'm required to be around other people that seem uncomfortable when I'm around, I haven't the slightest clue. How that helps anyone is still a mystery. I've done that plenty. Plenty of centers. They have limits. so do I.

I want to rant a little, I'll do it in the way that I need to do it. You don't have to listen. In fact, you usually don't but hey, I'd rather not run around like a maniac. Now they're like, well no doctor's gonna wanna work with him. Well, gee, you think I like working with you? This isn't playtime. not for me. You got names yeah. I do too. It's on the damn chart. You can read. I respond to my legal name just fine. Sometimes I feel like I need to be serious. I know you can use the name on the chart. I know you don't have to lie to me. I don't like your face anymore then you like mine. You wanna demonize me? You wanna demonize my counselor for putting up with this shit? roll the dice. People have limits. And they got lawyers too. Just let it rest, and I will too. It's not funny. Don't you give me your fake smiles, don't you patronize me. Mind your own damn business. Don't you threaten me. Not in the ER, and not in MIP. You don't like me, you don't have to say anything at all. And if I choose not to say anything, maybe it's because there's not a whole lot to say about this that's helpful to the people present. Maybe it's because I really am trying to manage my own demons, rather than spread them around. And whether I'm gay, straight, or whatever really is not relevant to these conversations. My identity as a man or woman or anything in between is not relevant to these conversations. I'm not at the hospital to make friends. That is not the damn point. And with the kind of shit you're trying to teach me, maybe it's better that I don't learn. Because this is messed up. Let's not play games here. It's not funny. You wanna restraining order? keep your damn mouth shut. It's not funny. I'm not trying to learn names. That's not the point. Do I really need to know everyone's name? If it's on the records, I know your name and you know mine and it doesn't have to be a big deal. I have no problem when you use the name on the chart. I don't even object if you call me shit like darling or honey, so long as it's clear you're talking to me and it's not dehumanizing. The "it" and the "shemale" and the rest of that shit has got to go. Get over it. You don't ask me my sexual orientation. it's not your business if it's not on the chart. Get over it. You embarrassed by me? you don't like me? get over it. I got some things to let go. so do you all. You wanna teach me boundaries? like this? great job. Keep it up. The whole community will be screwed by new year's. I need 911, I will call 911 and you'll have to get over it. Or find a new job where you can pull this kinda shit. If I'm confused, it doesn't have to be a big deal. it doesn't have to be a game. If I try to stick to basic facts, that's not lying, that's telling the truth. If I'm certain of something bigger than that, you'll be the first to know. If I keep counseling going with the same counselor, that's not dating or playing games or protecting anyone. That's trying to keep myself and the community safe with someone who knows how to help me. I have responsibilities too, and that's an important one. You don't demonize or sabotage that, or I will have to start thinking about lawyers. Cuz this shit ain't funny. Do your damn job. Mind your damn business. I hear people saying shit about my counselor, there will a lawsuit. It's not your damn business. She doesn't deserve that kind of attention. I can't guarantee I won't need a hospital again. You see the chart. You see the long list of medical problems. You've got a job to do. Do it. You don't reference her outside of necessary communication, and if she needs to be contacted and she is not, there will be a lawsuit. Basic responsibility. I don't need to sign a consent form if I'm hallucinating and talking about harming people. There's laws about that. Don't pretend you don't know these things. And if I request a consent form and it's not provided, there will be a lawsuit. I know a few big words. I prefer not to use them. Do your damn job and keep your damn mouth shut. Some people know how to do that. You don't sabotage me and I won't sabotage you. It's not funny. Her name and what she does is only relevant as it pertains to the immediate facts. She is not a gossip column for you. I hear about it again, I will take action. I will name names. Not to the hospital, since y'all don't have the decency to control yourselves. You can talk about me. You don't talk about her. Not anymore. That's my boundary. You got something you need to say to her, her contact information is online. it's not that hard. It's called phone, email, fax. You got something to work out with her, make an appointment. She charges by the hour to deal with this shit. Like anyone else. Do your damn job, follow the law, keep your damn mouths shut. She does not need to be discussed in the hospital setting. She does need to be informed. You will work with her when necessary, or SCDHEC or whatever the health part is of that organization is now will be informed with details and names. It's not that hard. You wanna keep your job? follow the law. If I don't need to talk about her, then you don't either. If I hear about it, there will be trouble. I guarantee it. You sabotage her, I hear about it, there will trouble. I guarantee it. Get over yourselves. Do your damn job. This isn't about her. You don't like it? You better get used to it. Right the hell now. Not tomorrow. Not the next day. Right now. No more warnings. You don't talk about her, my orientation, or dehumanize me, then I won't have anything to say.

Further Thought on Labs

    This medical stuff is absolutely insane on its own. I've got more lab tests and doctors and visits, and my life revolves around this stuff. Keytones, CO2, it doesn't even have to be labels or drugs, just the basic lab results are something of their own. Eating regularly, using the CPAP, avoiding dust... talking just isn't easy any way you put it. My energy is not that high. Maybe it looks it. It's not. 

    This morning it's my liver that I'm noticing. Right foot is still a little funky. I've been told I'm focusing on the problems. The CPAP and the eating and the natural stuff. That's the solutions. The meds... the antidepressants help. Seroquel seems to help. I've got to be careful with my body. I still don't see how Gateway or Phoenix is going to help with this. There's a lot of medical that neither place would ever address. 

    The doctors are enough to keep up with. I don't know exactly how the VNS change factors in. if it even played much of a role. I wasn't happy. that's what it's there for. But I'm not changing it again.