I'm feeling some relief. I've recieved the neccessary reassurances from the PA and the LPC. Whatever MIP does or does not know about me will become clear from those 600 pages, if not from that then from CCBH's records, the internist's records, the records from City Center Counseling, or from the work I do with the PA, the internist, and the LPC. Or perhaps from Springbrooks records, or the ER records... The LPC's office has consulted an independent psychiatrist as well. The PA and LPC are in lockstep, and I revoked all authorizations for PRISMA to discuss me with anyone without express permission. My medical care has been firewalled. Anyone who interferes with my medical care does so at thier own risk. Gateway knows, CCBH knows, city center knows, mip knows, Mindful upstate knows, SCDHEC knows, Vinewell knows, PRISMA knows, the internist knows, DSS is a phone call or click away, the local police are too. Even the Governor knows. So regardless of what anyone does or does not know, whatever these diagnoses mean, I truly will be ok. Given that I was flagged for a Social Determinates of Harm screening years ago by the old internist, whatever is or is not true about me has popped up on almost every radar across this state. I'm being watched. But these people are trying to help me. Anyone who stands in thier way will be noticed, flagged, and potentially tracked. Abuse has to be reported. Threats have to be reported. Every licensed medical professional has that obligation. Every social worker, every counselor, every hospital, every police officer. So regardless of what the truth is, so long as i follow medical instructions, there is no danger. And I'm home now. Where i can do that.
Shameless Promotion (Groceries)
I divided my favorites list on Walmart+
Self Care
Lightweight low dust litter tidy cat
Friskies cat food
Baking soda
Hypoallergenic soap
Irish spring
old spice
Axe body spray
Laundry detergent with oxi
Nasogel sinus moisturizer
Crest Mult symptom alcohol free mouthwash
Dish pods
Dr Teals magnesium or lemon probiotic
Multivitamin
Hart corded earplugs with carrying case
Loop noise canceling plugs
Scope mouthwash, alcohol free
Purple fluoride wash on occasion (dry mouth)
Epsom salt
Body Oil
Freezer
Frozen fruits for smoothies
Frozen fresh veggies
Blue Bell ice cream
Pantry
Pepperidge Oatmeal Bread
Chamomile tea, probiotic tea
Ginger ale
Rao's homemade Bolognese sauce
Whole wheat spaghetti and pasta
Grated Parmesean cheese
Vodka sauce
Whole wheat bread
16 grain bread
Canned soups with veggies/beans
Chicken bullion cubes
Peanut butter with the "natural, label (brown)
Olive oil... I keep canola and some butter j.i.c.
Blue diamond almonds
Medjool dates
Pringles
Stevia or agave
Vodka sauce
Electrolyte mix for water
Orgain plant protein or generic
Instant coffee, espresso beans
Nutella
Refrigerator
Greek Vanilla Yogurt
Greek Plain Yogurt
Eggs
Lunch Meat
2%, 1 Gallon
Rotisserie Chicken, chilled
BetterGoods Oatmilk Coffee Creamer
President Crumbled Feta
Hillshire Farms Ham Lunch Meat
Block of cheddar
Meats
Rotisserie Chicken
Top sirlion or London Broil <Limited
Center Cut pork chops
Lamb Shoulder Chops <Rare
Lamb Shank <Never tried
Fresh Fruit / Veggies
Baby carrots
Baby Bella mushrooms
Mangoes
Bananas
Red onions
Black grapes, or red
Spring lettuce (red head, sometimes boston)
Cantaloupe
Cosmic Crisp Apples
Sweet potatoes
Kale
Beets
Ginger root
You can't get alcohol (beer, fruity wine, rum), but I do leave a tip. I like the substitution system for low stock items. They have incense. Gum. It's not as high end as prime. Shipping is less reliable. Plenty of choices though. Easy returns. Signature by pass code. Gift delivery available.
Ten Pounds
Well, I thought I'd check the score...
McClean... 2 (over one year behind locked doors in dark spaces with no tv, nothing to do, never even going outside the building... not even once)
Springbrook ... 2
CCBH ... The infamous 1
Lost'n Rigged... 1 (roughly 1 year)
MIP... at least 3 as a teen, 3 in 20s, 3 in 30s, and 3 in the past year... at least 12 total inpatient visits plus 1 IOP and at least 3 Partial hospitalizations.
Heard from the LPC. Seems that MIP did some homework. They faxed the hospital records for stay number 12ish, but they went above and beyond. They decided to do some digging... the printer got busy... 100... 200... 300... 400... 500...
600 pages of documents in the mail. We killed a few trees. About 10 pounds. I'd like to be a little less interesting. I got curious. On the internet it says the average printed page has 250-300 words on a page. 250-300 = average of 275. So one hospital had roughly 165,000 words of history to say. I once referred to it as a third home. It wasn't a joke.
Then they wonder why I need disability.
DXes tried on for size... 2 Bipolars, 3 depressions, 1 "non specified psychosis" (thank you CCBH and SSA), 1 GAD, 1 "OCD like behavior", 2 dissociative disorders, an aspergers, an autism spectrum, an Auditory processing, a ADHD, a sleep apnea, an adjustment disorder, dysgraphia, and a half dozen physical problems... at least 23 different disorders used as working dxs, with at least 12 independently confirmed. I've retired from medicine.
2 comas. Memorial and Beth Israel Deaconess.
3 near death experiences including dialysis and CDC involvement.
So we talked about anger. Anger and I are good friends. It knows my mind, my heart, and through Clozaril it knows my liver.
DID Roles, Part 2
I got a little off track. DID Roles. I figured them out.
Child
Communicator
Psychology
Childhood
Running, physical and mental
Gatekeeper
Guitar
Teens
Law, right and wrong
Helper
Crisisline
Young Adult
Solver
Accounting
IT
Adult
Going on with Life / Continuing
Adult
Lives normal life. Cooks. Schedules.
Protector
Wrestling
Physical tasks
Unitary
The Destination or Master
Created in Counseling by a Non-Psychiatrist who's not addicted to Bullshit and Psychosis
All associated with different times, thoughts, functions, day to day skills, memories, people, trauma triggers.
DID Roles (ADULT CONTENT)
When I first learned about DID, I knew it from schooling. The old DSM IV name. Multiple Personality Disorder. Movies like "Split", "Me, Myself, and Irene", "Multiplicity", "What about Bob", "Girl Interrupted" (Peripherally, at least... Borderline is close), "Playing by Heart", "As Good as it Gets" (identity concepts), spy movies, serial killer profiles, and movie star references. It's not a flattering dx. As one MIP shrink liked to say, it is one of the hardest dx's to treat. It does not respond to medication. Not well. It is not a Gold Star. It is not a badge of honor. It it associated with so very many problems starting with Body Dysmorphic, running through substance use, down past highly dangerous behaviors including self-harm (a hallmark) ... sometimes I think it's the male version of Borderline. Shrink won't diagnose you Borderline if you are male. They will put you in PTSD or Bipolar or Depression or if they have no other choice, they put you with the ones they don't know how to treat, the DIDs, then they label you an addict and a criminal and cast you out. You are now a user of the system. You are the incorrigible. The untreatable, with fantasy problems. They question your sexuality. They won't believe a word you say. You are their nightmare. Their demon. Because they can't treat the causes and they don't want you to exist. You are the darkness, the shadow, the demon in their mind. The one they can't treat. They think of it in overly simplistic terms and prefer to use the word Psychosis. That is their Psychosis, their demon. The DID haunts them, because they cannot cure it.
People with DID or trauma respond best to Psychedelics. Just like Woodstock, except there's a new name for the trauma. Vietnam is gone. I've never tried LSD, PCP, MDMA, or Psilocybin, but some of these are being studied or even in trials. I have tried THC, ketamine (Matthew Perry OD), and Spravato. I have never tried Propofol (Michael Jackson's OD).
The fact that I have been to the hospital from "Girl Interrupted", the fact that that movie has Borderline in it, the fact that I have DID, the fact that they are both Dissociative/Trauma Disorders, the fact that it is hard to treat, the fact that it is patterns programmed from the past, the fact that it involves memories, symbols, and songs generated from the past, that it revolves around key event and circumstances, there's so many facts about DID that cannot be denied, that clearly connect to clear and powerful details of a persons life... It is the Psychiatrist's demon. It was Prichards' demon. It haunted him. Right up until the Governor's office stepped in. Now he is released. Now it haunts him no more.
DID is about trust, about self-image. It is the reflection in the mirror, it is a name, and behind those things are memories and pasts, things that medication and medical intervention do not solve.
They called it by other names. First, I tested PTSD off the charts at Clarity. Then a licensed PTSD counselor confirms independently. Then the Psychiatrist started talking about dissociation, then the therapy, then it's medical PTSD, then changes in the scripts, then the Dissociation Inventory at the new LPC, who independently confirms PTSD... and what did the hours long test results reveal? PTSD OFF THE CHARTS. DISSOCIATION OFF THE CHARTS. THE SCORES WERE SO DAMN HIGH AND HOW DO YOU FAKE THAT STUFF? SOMEHOW PSYCHOSIS CAME UP ZERO. ZERO. ZERO. HOW DO I FAKE THAT STUFF? DOES PSYCHOSIS JUST RUN AROUND MASQUERADING AS SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS? YALL MADE THE DAMN TEST. AM I THAT DAMNED INTELLIGENT? YOU'VE HAD EVERY SHRINK WITH A NAME UP THE EAST COAST LOOK AT ME. ONE OF YOU GONNA GET THE DAMN PICTURE? YOU SO SMART? A LITTLE GIRL FROM GEORGIA COMES OUT AND SHOWS UP YOU HARVARDS, YOU GONNA DESTROY HER NOW? YOU THAT DAMNED INTELLIGENT? Oh, no, some people think they know everything. Oh, they're big shots. On TV. They got their pictures on walls. Pricks.
You bring me out of a coma at Memorial, another at Beth Israel Deaconess, and you do it for this? Freaking Psychiatrists.
I still remember the machines. I was Frankenstein on their table. Whether it was ECT's Lightning bolt... 3 series, unilateral, bilateral, ZAP. I have phantom sensations on my head where they put the conductor. Then rTMS. Side of the head. Left side, generates nerve growth... Machine gun taps... Right side, calming suppressive waves... slow the neural transmissions... woodpecker... tap... tap... tap... tap... sharp... I can feel the tingling...
ECT makes it go away! BUT IT COMES BACK! IT TOOK CARRIE FISHER. Psychosis my ass. Bad psychiatry.
Then the VNS... electrical pulses from a pacemaker style battery up the vagus nerve into the base of the brain... activating pulses to encourage autonomic changes...
Before that it was the antipsychotics... Haldol, Thorazine, all the atypicals plus the first of the atypicals, the magical clozaril with its high maintenance and forest of physical degradations to the body, before that the mood stabilizers, the lithium, before that the stimulants and anti-depressants.
Oh it never ends with these doctors. I've switched mostly to PA's and NPs. Medication destroys your mind and body both. A little at a time or all together.
Sometimes When We Touch (signals)
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you, honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning
To see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and
hide
I wanna hold you 'til I die
'Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you
'Til the fear in me subsides
Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth
Sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and
hide
I wanna hold you 'til I die
'Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you
'Til the fear in me subsides
At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break
through
And hold you endlessly
At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've
tried
I've watched while love
commands you
And I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for
a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and
hide
I wanna hold you 'til I die
'Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you
'Til the fear in me subsides
Musical Diagnoses
Well, the hospital talked to the doctor talked to the internist talked to the counselor talked to the... wait? What's on the chart? Let's see...
Blood Pressure, 135/84 (Not bad!)
Pulse 68 (Great!)
Weight: gained a couple pounds back
Problem List: (This is the funny part)
Annual wellness exam (As if that is useful)
Long term use of drug (they're called prescriptions. You wrote them)
Chronic midline backpain without sciatica (as if that is unusual)
GERD (from taking clozaril and eating too much plus stress)
High risk medication use (kinda repetitive)
Severe episode of Recurrent major depressive disorder, WITHOUT psychotic features)
Sleep apnea, Obstructive (I don't sleep so good. Thanks, Clozaril weight gain plus stress)
Deviated nasal septum (from an impact)
Chronic Idiopathic constipation (gotta love this terminology)
Auditory processing Disorder (Don't hear so great)
GERD with esophagitis (As if that wasn't mentioned above)
Treatment resistant DEPRESSION (they keep inventing new types)
PTSD (Still here)
Mental Health Problem (Gotta love this one. I didn't want DID on the chart so they made one up)
Prediabetes (Another diet thing... though I'm barely in the range)
NAFLD (Nonalcoholic fatty liver... stress and clozaril)
Internal Hemorrhoids (The problem everyone wants to know)
Hyperlypidemia (This one seems new)
Weight Loss, unintentional (And here they state the obvious)
Chronic nausea (Thank you, stress and ADHD meds)
Psychosis (This one pops up from time to time)
Bipolar episode, current episode depressed, severe, with psychotic features (make up your mind)
Autism Spectrum Disorder (Here we go again)
ADHD (The first one I ever got)
BMI of 27-27.9 (shrug)
Annnnnnnnnd... down to 5 meds. 2 depression, 1 PTSD, 1 Blood pressure, one non-benzo anxiety)
Annnnnnnnnd... they're finally getting my name right.
Annnnnnnnnd... thank God no new referrals... Talk to the counselor to the internist to the GI Doc.
The one thing we decided for sure is that if I'm in the hospital again MIP will call me by the name on the chart or the guy with the name that rhymes with tent and the people above him will be hearing from me. Changed my emergency contact. Signed the new consent forms to coordinate care. So now the Psych can talk to the counselor who gets all the paperwork anyways and knows this is a bunch of bullshit that doesn't need fancy terms to describe it. I was raised by hospitals. This is the end result. Fathers were doctors and mothers were nurses. And now I'm here. With a problem list. And no ADHD meds. Cuz they suck.
Back in two weeks.
I am numero ocho.
Intrusive Thoughts (KPD)
They started describing it alternatively as obsessions, bizarre thoughts, Hallucinations, voices... finally it drifted to intrusive thoughts and occasionally back to hallucinations, depending on the source. If it's past related, it's generally called voices, flashbacks, dissociations, or intrusive thoughts. If it's substance or medically related, it's voices or hallucinations. If it's present time related, it's the obsessions or bizarre thoughts.
Intrusive thoughts are generally related to past experience but are triggered by things that happen in the present. Anything sensory that triggers a past association. My most common ones are seeing or hearing people from the past or seeing or hearing the same stimuli from the past. MIP. So many intrusive thoughts can come. Unfortunately, I know every square inch. It all has memories.
Now it feels like intrusive checking. The same people with the same judgments and concerns coming back for more. The Psychiatrists and relatives... the first rather reluctantly, the second rather addictively. Now I talk to a P.A. The mere fact that he does not qualify as a "psychiatrist" seems to console me. They move codes and labels around on a chart with their medications and talk about substances like it's their religion.
The checking feels like a colonoscopy at times. Always looking for a polyp. So far, I'm signed up for weekly colonoscopies. I pass enough of those, maybe I'll get to space them out. I guess the LPCs will consult with the Psychiatrists, Social workers, nurses, MDs and others, and they'll come back to me with a plan on that. Maybe the Techs will get a break. The professionals alternate from annoyed to amused. Particularly the Internist's office. So, I space out my words. BP's remained within slightly elevated but normal limits. So, I continue the non-medical intervention: diet and mild exercise with stress management. The only Psychiatrist I can manage to take seriously at this point is the one that is/was assigned to work with the PA. That and care coordination keep him within that circle of trust. Every psychiatric guideline in my head resonates from that Psychiatrist and PA. To me, Bipolar is a rich shrink's pipe dream. It's such a vague and elastic concept that you could throw it at a wall and it just might stick.
Maybe I'll add a dx to the DSM V. Under personality disorders. We'll call it Knowitall Personality Disorder (KPD).
Diagnostic criteria:
1. Habitual need for checking
2. Extensive knowledgebase
3. Inability to quit
4. Does not qualify for an obsessive disorder
5. Extreme need for categorization
6. Excessive attention to detail
7. Inability to shut mouth
8. Robotic communication
9. Excessive recordkeeping
10. Fails to take vacations
11. Maintains licensure when it makes no sense to do so
12. Condescending demeanor, with or without obnoxiousness
13. Intolerance for lesser beings
14. Lack of Hobbies
Exclusion criteria:
1. No four degree or higher or equivalent.
2. Has attended counseling voluntarily
3. Attends religious services regularly
4. Does not have a history of substance use
Trust Concepts
I've been thinking about trust a lot lately. I've got my categories.
Community
I can see and hear you. You are animate... living and breathing.
Person
I've met you. I may know your name. You're not an animal. I don't treat you like one.
Acquaintance
I've met you. We've interacted on multiple occasions. I know your name. I may not always remember it. Favors are limited based on need and give and take.
Friend
I interact with you regularly or repeatedly over a long period of time. I know your name. I almost always remember it. Favors are limited based more on need then give and take.
Relative
You have a biological or contractual connection to me or someone with that connection.
Family
You live with me. You may be a cat, dog, or other domestic animal.
Professional/Client
I interact with you only when you are under a contract to do so or are being paid to do so and vice versa. If you/I are not being paid, then you/I are on vacation.
Anchor
Whether you are present or not, I tend to remember you, and I will aid or protect you within my abilities and within the letter of the law. But I am human. I can only do so much. You also fall another category.
If I don't say something, it is not appropriate or necessary for me to comment or I'm not sure about the answer. If I ask a question you don't want/need to answer, then don't answer or decline to answer.
Boundary statements
I need you to XYZ (violation)
You are XYZ (violation)
I know your name and don't use it or use other names instead (violation)
You need to XYZ with XYZ person or in XYZ situation (violation)
I talk about you when you're not around (violation)
I use or move your things without asking or not under a contract of some sort (violation)
I touch, look at you, think about you, talk about you, or listen to what you're saying without permission that is implied or direct (violation)
He/she is... (violation)
Can I...? (No "you"... ok)
Would you (No "I"s... ok)
I contact you without permission or legitimate authority within the law. (violation)
Most obviously, I treat you differently based on a category related to personal characteristics. Violation.
My personal space is part of my person. That includes my living area. Don't violate it.
If you need something and it is implied, don't expect to get it. If you need something, and ask by using a lot of implied feelings, don't expect to get it. If you are being appropriate about the size of the request and the relationship and simply ask for what you want from me without referencing someone or being too personal, you just might get it.
From time to time, I need to remind myself of these things. If a relationship becomes too poisoned, I take a vacation or a permanent break. If you receive a warning (some people will call them threats even if they are not specific) or I stop responding or block your communications, you are on an involuntary vacation from all categories and interaction. The "Don't contact me again unless I contact you" is implied. DSS, FBI's ICD, SCDHEC, BBB and the local police are a click or phone call away. ICD and BBB are the only ones that tend to hear from me. I prefer not to put people behind locked doors.
If you say, "quit it", "give it up", "let it go" or something nonspecific, you are wasting your breath and energy. I'll have no idea what you are talking about, and you will gain nothing. Generally, it's not your business anyways. Develop some common sense.
Smoke Signals
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well, you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody (I used to know)
Somebody (now you're just somebody that I used to know)
Somebody (I used to know)
Somebody (now you're just somebody that I used to know)
I used to know
That I used to know
I used to know
Somebody
The Halls of McClean
I spent roughly a year there, in two stints. Basically, two long halls with a kitchionette type area, individual rooms, a heavily armored screened in porch. An elevator with keys going up to staff floors.
And I walked the halls of McClean. Through the shadows and enduring the storms...
Then they snicker. Oh the poor shit. He makes up his demons and they lock him away. Oh poor us, we have to tolerate the little shit and his demons. WERE YOU OVER A YEAR BEHIND LOCKED DOORS!?!? DID YOU NOT SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!?!? WHAT OF LAW CONVICTED ME BEFORE YOU LOCKED ME UP AND THREW AWAY THE KEY?????? WHAT CRIME DID I COMMIT????????????
And there was Clozaril... the ashes and the dust rose into shape... were moved to a halfway house... Ran to CVS... took a cocktail... back to the house... there was EMS, waiting. My absence had been reported.
I'm the addict? YOU PUT ME ON MEDICATION, THEN YOU BLAME ME FOR BEING ON DRUGS? I'M SOCIETY'S PROBLEM????? AM I THE ONE WHO LOCKED ME AWAY?????????? YOU TOOK ME THERE ON A PLANE. DROPPED ME OFF LIKE A SUITCASE. NO LIGHT, NO TV, NO FRIENDS, NO NOTHIN. BLAME THE DID. IT'S DAMNED CONVIENENT. KICK IT AROUND. LAUGH IT UP.
By the time I reached Beth Israel Deaconess, I was in an altered state of consciousness...
Coma #2. Why did I wake up again? I'm back! Running around!
Woke up. Back to McClean. More Clozaril. Ashes and Dust is back. We're piled into a car, piled onto a cot or makeshift bed outside the nurses' station at Lost and Rigged, which tried to refuse me. Another year... A PhD and the drugs working their magic... Ashes and Dust reshaped. The Guardian Arose. No Diamonds just yet... The child came home... the origin remained.
You spend enough time in places like McClean... You get like this...
There are plenty of shadows in those hallways... There are echoes in those hallways... there's very little light, and it's artificial. There's social workers barricaded in offices on the upper floor... The MDs walk around like Gods... The attendants move you around... You want nightmares? Go to McClean. You'll find them. Metal doors with the small windows. Turn the key and you'll locked in all night.
Don't bother to scream. Won't make a difference.
They put him on TV, that God. He had a name. German. One or twice, he would take that key, turn it in the elevator door. turn a key for a particular floor, one of the staffing levels. I think there were only two floors above ground. It was the Mood Disorders and Psychotic Unit. YOU KNOW, THE NAZIs WERE GERMAN TOO. THEY HAD THESE PLACES. THEY CALLED THEM CAMPS. Only this German didn't carry a gun. He carried Harvard's drug trials. Clozaril was taken off the market, put back on. They said, people are dropping like flies in the Boston Area. Let's medicate. We'll call it Clozana. It's the legalized THC. DRUG THEM UP. SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE... so many things you'll eventually be dead anyways. How do you think my medical chart has the long list of physical ailments? This shit ain't kosher. It kills you. Why do I have the scars on my arms? IV. ECT. Clozaril blood tests. It can kill your immune system, and if it doesn't, you'll be dead from the other side effects eventually. Give it time. Diabetes, fatty liver, cholesterol, Immune system changes... This shit kills you. One day at a time. Only we get to make it in a factory. Too bad the patient expired...
SPREAD THE BLAME AROUND. YOU WEREN'T LOCKED UP. OVER A YEAR. THEN THE ECT TO MAKE YOU FORGET BEING A VEGETABLE IN A METAL GARDEN.
I went back there once. It made no sense. When I was at Riggs. I went back. Walked right up to that armored porch. Stood around. Walked away.
I'm supposed to help people? Like this? Good luck. I am the walking dead. I rise up again. I walk around. I am the Ashes, I am the Dust. I take a shape. I have a name.
Occasionally, I can put this down. Just don't talk about the past. There's things I don't want to remember.
I like to live a quiet life. Sensory hypersensitivity. I can hear from different rooms, different floors. Outside, I can hear for miles it seems. I prefer to mind my own business. I've heard enough.
Abandonment Fantasies
Yesterday, I had another one. I was in the counseling office, working with Intern #1. There were people in the hallway. One of them sounded like Intern #2 that I had just met with the other day. I recognized tone of voice, I filled in details even as I was talking to Intern #1, and there I was on the encrypted app, telling my counselor that these people can't quit on me. I was wrong. There were only five other people in the building. Two professionals, Intern #1, two other people.
I had the earplugs in most of the time. Now I'm getting the noise cancelling ones. I gotta pick my realities carefully. When I'm on too much meds, I don't do that. I don't put myself in the right places when I'm on too much meds. I'm picking my places and people carefully. Earplugs... Need new glasses with the tinting and antiglare to control the light. Wear masks when I'm feeling cross, so people don't ask me questions.
I got my own problems. Leave them alone. Leave the professionals alone. Don't weaponize me. If you're over the age of 18, you have legal responsibilities. Keep them in mind. If you're not, talk to an adult when you have a problem or concern. If you follow, stay within the limits of the law. Don't follow too close. Find different outlets here and there. Give people space. Auditory. Visual. Tactile. Those are important boundaries. Don't you go haunting. We don't need more ghosts.
These professionals, they restructure your thoughts. They use careful wording, tone of voice... it's called suggestion. I've done hypnosis. That has risks. It went the wrong way a bit. You have sensory issues, you gotta be careful with public places. You get overwhelmed. That's why church doesn't do it for me. Too much stimulation. I get overwhelmed and I shut down. It's not a spiritual thing. Yes, I was raised Catholic. Yes, it is still a guiding framework for me. No, I can't go to church much. No, I'm not a Satan worshiper. Some very moral, religious people don't know many people. And they do great. I'm not saying I'm them. I'm saying it can be done.
Riggs was big on the psychoanalysis/psychodynamics. A lot of suggestion. That psychologist had a gentle touch. Said very little. Restructured my mind a bit. He missed some things, I think. Now I do the family/relations type stuff. They do the rest.