Reasons

I keep going down this road. I don't know where it's going. They've been saying I was a lost cause for decades. Decades. Decades. 

13 years old. I was already running. Never really stopped. But I'm still here.  There must be a reason.

Year 6

It seems like yesterday

But it was long ago

Janey was lovely she was the queen of my nights

There in the darkness with the radio playing low, and

And the secrets that we shared

The mountains that we moved

Caught like a wildfire out of control

'Til there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove

And I remember what she said to me

How she swore that it never would end

I remember how she held me oh-so-tight

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then

Against the wind

We were runnin' against the wind

We were young and strong, we were runnin' against the wind

The years rolled slowly past

And I found myself alone

Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends

I found myself further and further from my home, and I

Guess I lost my way

There were oh-so-many roads

I was living to run and running to live

Never worried about paying or even how much I owed

Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time

Breaking all of the rules that would bend

I began to find myself searching

Searching for shelter again and again

Against the wind

A little something against the wind

I found myself seeking shelter against the wind

Well those drifter's days are past me now

I've got so much more to think about

Deadlines and commitments

What to leave in, what to leave out

Against the wind

I'm still runnin' against the wind

I'm older now but still runnin' against the wind

Well I'm older now and still runnin'

Against the wind

Against the wind

Against the wind

Still runnin' (against the wind)

I'm still runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) I'm still runnin'

(Against the wind)

I'm still runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) still runnin'

(Against the wind)runnin' against the wind, runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) see the young man run

(Against the wind) watch the young man run

(Against the wind) watch the young man runnin'

(Against the wind) he'll be runnin' against the wind

(Against the wind) let the cowboys ride

(Against the wind) aah

(Against the wind) let the cowboys ride

(Against the wind) they'll be ridin' against the wind

(Against the wind) against the wind

(Against the wind) ridin' against the wind...

Coffee

Hopefully the weekend will be quiet. I have to be ready to report in on monday... don't need anything new to say... don't need any new complaints... 

Oh the internist will be so proud...

I'm not sure why... I guess because I'm still intact...

Yep... I'll just enjoy my coffee... because when no one is running around and no one is causing trouble the community is so much nicer... the sun shines brighter... the pills taste nicer... everything is so wonderfully boring.

I'll just keep taking those blue pills, cuz I'm sure no one's gonna give me red ones... because we don't need excitment...

I like how they don't print out the papers anymore... I like just posting my mychart online... so everybody knows what not to do... 

That hyperlypidemia one... too much olive oil? <shrug>

I wonder what it will say this time? Seasonal happy disorder? Post hospitalization exhaustion syndrome? The PA's so good with words... maybe he'll quote a new law? Maybe I should guess? 

Oh my doctors are so proud... 

They even gave me a code to get inside. Last time it freaked me out. Last place I punched a code to get in... other then home before it broke... was the call center for crisis line. 

Overconceptualization

I tested high on abstract thinking. Achilles heel.

All of these life concepts, all the creative thinking, the models of recovery and of religion and of different mental health processes... white boards are a trigger. I think too much

I heard that by the time a writer is 20, he has enough to write for the rest of his life. By extension, by the time you're 20, you have enough experience to do plenty.

Too much experience, too much knowledge? It's all bad computer program. Too much code. I'm calling different routines, losing myself in infinite loops, blue screens, 404s, and the like.

Early in your life, if you don't develop confidence, strong boundaries, and a clear identity, you'll learn so many things, you'll be lost in all that information, and you'll have hackers coming in jamming up the program.

You'll be in your head everyday, searching for the viruses that only exist in your mind.

So I'm cutting code, closing backdoors, freeing up memory with the talkers. I'm checking my firewalls every day. Because I have one machine. I have to protect it. Maintain it. Optimize it. I'm throwing out my scanner, I'm deleting files... running my updates... one day at a time. 

I gotta make sure I shut down now and then. I've only got so much power. Blow out my dust. Take myself off the grid. Be careful about the communications that come in. I'm not clicking those links. I'm blocking spam. 

So freaking tired. Headaches. Especially the forehead. Tingling in face. Sleepy. 

 

Wrestling Coach's Priorities

Today, I remembered something my coach said about 30 years ago.

He said that practice makes perfect is not true. He said PRACTICE makes PERMANENT.

I've practiced a lot of things... among them: wrestling, soccer, tennis, running, weights, dieting, psychology, taxes, IT, different relationships, writing and above all, mental health. 

Some things became permanent. That's why I want to do less. That's why I want simple. I can't please everyone. I'm tired of trying. 

What are the essentials? 

Financial management

Cooking

Cleaning

Home Maintenance

Mindfulness

Guitar (musical outlet)

writing

Hygiene

Fresh Air

Car maintenance

Rest

Caring for cat

Boundaries (Also part of mindfulness)

Spirituality

Funny thing is, the medication and the psychiatrists don't teach you these things. At least most of mine didn't. One of mine definitely taught unhealthy relationships and medication dependence. The Psychiatrists taught me the DSM and then blame me for learning it. Brilliant.

So that crosses the following off the list

Psychology

Excessive IT skills

Excessive knowledge of the world

TV/videos

backwards ideas of medical, medication and Psychiatry

Mental health centers and hospitals

multiple sports

Helping people unless I'm being paid

listening to people's problems unless I'm being paid

excessive conversation

excessive foreign language skills... I do live in an area where everyone speaks English or Spanish

Obsessing over other people

Obsessing over parts of other people's pasts that I do not share

support groups

Social media

manipulative people

Blowhards

reading too much

excessive exercise

Excessive neatness

Enmeshment/Codependence Progress (Adult Content)

I'm continuing to work with the counselor and PA on the relationships issue. Unfortunately, I spent so long in a medical bubble with people that are so very set in their ways that it's not easy to undo this. People resent it when you challenge their beliefs. Especially if it's connected to their careers. 

They want to pretend that the overuse of prescriptions is ok. That poor boundaries are ok. They want to pretend that they are the teachers, and I am the student. I can still respect them as persons while not respecting their ignorance and their inappropriate conduct. I can still report them to government agencies if needed who can then remind them of the law. It's unfortunate when this becomes necessary. I do care about people, and the people that care about those people. Yet, if people get used to being able to treat you like crap, they will keep doing it, thinking it is their right. That is why my brother and I cannot be around each other. 

I certainly hope I do not need to contact DSS, the medical board, or SCDHEC ever again. I am concerned however, as there are several people either biologically or contractually connected to me that do not understand proper boundaries and have professional licenses. I certainly hope I never have to file any reports. That is not something I want to do. MSWs, MDs, RNs, etc. I hope they keep their ethics requirements and the letter of South Carolina law in mind. I care about people in the community, and I have a conscience. I don't like to have to report inappropriate conduct regarding myself or others. I have enough problems.

However, DSS, SCDHEC, and the local police are readily available. For all the busybody, manipulative people out there who can't help but read this. We all have responsibilities. Keep that in mind. No unnecessary comments. No unwanted contact. No undue influence. No threats. No property theft or disruption. We all have a responsibility to follow the laws of our jurisdictions. I trust the judgement of the governmental authorities to know when action is or is not needed.

I'm tired. I'm medically complex. I've been through two comas. Don't push me. As many warnings and reports as are necessary will be made. I like this community. Don't make me educate you. The world has enough problems. Enjoy your lives. I need to be separate. Don't contact me. Don't pretend to know everything. Mind your own business. You have my caseworker's contact information. Just enjoy your lives. Let me go. I need to work on letting you go too. It's not like the entire state of South Carolina doesn't already know. It's not like they haven't been tracking Social Determinates of Health (SDOH). They do know. Enjoy your lives. Leave it be. Every time you do something inappropriate, it only makes you more guilty. So, be appropriate with minors, don't misuse medication, don't try to manipulate other professionals, and don't engage in any type of fraud. Because I can't protect you. Not anymore. People are watching. They have been for quite some time. Even if something happens to me, that doesn't erase the records or what people have already learned. It's too late. Give it up. Don't ask me to help you. I can't. You don't actually know me. Not really. Because you're in denial... the state of denial... this is South Carolina... we don't live in denial...

DID Therapy

This is the stuff memories are made of... 

Wrong.

This is how they get deconstructed. Carefully, with desensitization, suggestion, restructuring, patience, and privacy.

Not that I particularly wish to reveal any secrets. 

You have a building. You have a waiting room. You have windows, art, water ready and chilled, mints, white noise machines, proper ventilation and climate control, motion activated cameras to observe trigger levels, dissociative states, boundary issues. It is safe. It is calm. It is quiet, but not silent.

You have interns, different types of professionals, including an MD. 

You have the DID see the intern, the intern then reviews with the counselor, the counselor and the intern see the DID to go together as 3. The intern gets triggered by DID, who may lie down as child, pace as protector, analyze as solver, try to teach as helper, speak in code or legalistically as gatekeeper, make friends as communicator, or none of the above. The intern leaves, the counselor and DID continue. Where does the intern go? Just down the hall, to the MD that's consulting to get coaching on thier experience. Meanwhile the counselor continues, and memories are unpacked, desensitized, and beliefs are restructured through education or suggestion, lifestyle adjusted, thoughts changed with details as big or small as songs played, fidgets, toys, drawing, nutrition, so many tools without a substance or medication in sight. Just the calming voices and the smiles. If the DID is in a dissociative state, subtle hints such as smells, what the counselor wears, anything at all to give the brain the right idea of what is needed that day.

This is violence reduction, desensitization of autistic symptoms, reeducation, medication and substance reduction... this doesn't happen in Springbrook or MIP or anywhere other than Austen Riggs. This is what McClean never used. This was thier mistake from day one. They hadn't the slightest clue what they were doing. Clozaril? Locked dark places? Creating monsters, one day at a time. 

McClean created autism. McClean created Bipolar. McClean created violence and ODs. Drug addictions. Harvard drug trials. Chemical experimentation. Clozaril. 

These disorders are manmade.

Be careful what you create. Shrinks just around the corner, DSM in hand.

Regrets

Do I have regrets? Why yes I do. Let's prioritize some of the... less personal... there's overlap... here's a start.

Not getting married in my thirties

Suicide attempts

Bad boundaries with family

bad boundaries at work

overly regimented lifestyle

not putting myself first

relying too much

taking Minipress

prescription drugs in general

bad psychiatry

Building egos

time spent in hospitals

too much tv

too much education

too much advice

contacting people without permission

worrying too much, not having fun

too much alone time

trying too hard

not enjoying simple things

talking to the wrong people

not developing hobbies as well

traveling too much

sleeping too much

Helper

The thing I've noticed about the helper is that it seems to be created and reinforced by experience, much like the rest. The helper can get out of control. Manifest as a workaholic, a busybody... 

Then with stress, it gets wierd. I transfer stress from part to part, moment in time to moment in time, supress or relieve with music, passphrases, numbers, memories, people, sensations...

It gets outta hand, then it comes out in different physical symptoms, behaviors, communications, or it can mimic different mental health issues... there's so many to choose from... AS, Bipolar, unipolar, psychosis, adhd... everything. A different shrink, a different dx.

That accounts for my troubled relationships with family members... social workers, docs, people with letters. I'm happy to let the next generation shine. I'm tired.

The thing with dissociation is that it can easily resemble psychosis. And shrinks love psychosis. It's like crack to them. The excessive activity and abrupt changes in behavior can match bipolar and its vague standards most of the time. You add in weather changes and diet changes, interpersonal influences, you get seasonal affective disorder. The DSM is excruciatingly vague. Throw a dx at a wall, it'll stick. Lapses in attention? Maybe you lost sleep, had something bad to eat, the wrong substance, were stressed, were physically sick, had a hormonal balance, even a mild seizure from a bright flashing light... bingo, you got your adhd. Don't take the drugs. Not worth it. You'll have trouble eating. Trouble maintaining weight. Energy problems. Probably headaches. If you do take the drugs, try to keep it low. I've seen what the drugs can do. It it quite frightening. Academics only takes you so far. And eventually, you do have to quit. Hopefully before you're forcibly retired or sued.

Illegal drugs are bad. Legal ones are simply tweaked illegal ones. 

Methamphetamines ADHD =Speed

Benzos/gabapentin = alcohol

Ketamine/spravato/Propofol = party drugs

Antipsychotics... dangerous beyond imagining... distort your perception... change your behavior... enable all sorts of things. But do NOT go on and off. That's very dangerous.

Minipress/propranolol... change your alertness... very dangerous. Alpha blockers, extremely dangerous. 911 dangerous.

Theres responsibility here. ATF. Professionals. Distributors. Consumers. 

Thing is, even people without a helper can lose sight of healthy limits. Too much work, trying to help too many, helping the wrong people, or misguided help.

Note to Reeders

Spidey a liddle tired. Feeling calmer doh. Ebbyday a gnew day! Wemember be careful about di adult parts. Spidey not so bad. Di cat will be out to play. 

🕸️

Sigo viva

Casi muero. Tres veces. Tengo 43 años y vivo en Mauldin, Carolina del Sur. Estoy bajo la amenaza constante de desalojo. Soy discapacitado. Me esforcé demasiado. Estoy cansado. Estudié y trabajé en tres campos diferentes: contabilidad/impuestos, tecnología de la información y psicología. Estoy empezando a odiar a mi familia. Tengo una enfermedad compleja. Mi historial médico es interminable. Necesito bajar el ritmo.

Hijo, dijo, ¿tengo una pequeña historia para ti?

Lo que creías que era tu papá no era más que un...

Mientras estabas solo en casa a los trece años,

tu verdadero papá se estaba muriendo, siento que no lo hayas visto,

pero me alegra que hayamos hablado...

Oh, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye... oh...

Oh, camina lentamente, cruza la habitación de un joven.

Dijo que estoy lista... para ti.

No recuerdo nada hasta el día de hoy.

Excepto la mirada, la mirada...

Oh, ya sabes dónde, ahora no puedo ver, solo miro fijamente...

Yo, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, pero, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, chico, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, yo, sigo viva, sí.

Ooh, sí... sí, sí. Sí... oh... oh...

¿Pasa algo?, dijo ella.

Pues claro que sí.

Sigues viva, dijo ella.

Ah, ¿y merezco estarlo?

¿Es esa la pregunta?

Y si es así... si es así... ¿quién responde... quién responde...?

Yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, pero, sigo viva.

Sí, yo, ooh, sigo viva.

Sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí.

Sponsors

DID would like to thank the following Sponsors:

SC DHEC

SocSecAdmin

DeptSS

THE MEDICAL BOARD OF SC

SC GOV OFFICE

AUSTEN RIGGS CENTER

MCLEAN HOSPITAL

MIP Hospital

SPRINGBROOK Hospital

CCBH Hospital

MEMORIAL Hospital

BETH ISRAEL DEACONESS Hospital

CRISISLINE

SAFEHARBOR

JV

LITHIUM

CLOZAPINE

SEROQUEL

DEPAKOTE

GABAPENTIN

RITALIN

ADDERALL

PRAZOSIN

PROPRANOLOL

ABILIFY

FANAPT

LATUDA

....

Electro Convulsive Therapy

rTMS

VNS

....

Please do not try this at home.

It will kill you eventually.

All in the family. 

This is what happened. And now they know. Everyone knows.

DID... everything to everyone... the tax clients, the family, the hospitals, the crisisline, the safeharbor, multiple schools, multiple fields, IT, psych, it was hell.

I can't be DID... I can't be everything to everyone. I quit. I resign my last name.