Drug Demons

Something that hadn't occurred to me until recently is how interesting people seem to find me. It was rather disconcerting at first. Being the last born of educated parents can affect the mind. Sometimes, people don't realize and make it worse.

If you get the wrong types of attention, it can distort the mind. Interpretation can run amuck. It's easy to get labeled bipolar, especially if you're male. Doesn't mean the label is helpful or the medications either. Highly perfection oriented populations can misdiagnose so easily. Distorting someone's perception of the world and themselves isn't hard to do. Creating chaos, through highly traumatic events or through unpredictable and varied demands will create people with many talents and little consistency. It will make them act bipolar. No chemicals required. They will rise and fall and be agents of chaos, because that is what they were taught. You don't have to go to McClean to know what messed up is. While some dx's like DID are rare and not well understood, they are not so rare in fact. Because these problems, they have like problems, and some hide better then others. The symptoms shine through. For DID and borderline, it's those patterns. Very well defined patterns. Reinforced patterns. Locking up people with patterns is like locking a bunch of thieves in an art museum. What will they learn from each other while gazing on valuable things they cannot have?  How will they heal? There's a few dozen geniuses with psych MDs that are so incredibly allergic to the truth. They can't see how they are part of the problem. They don't want to see. They want the reputation and money. It's sad. Promoting drugs and finding problems with people. It's truly sad. They may think I'm the insect they couldn't quite kill or stop from buzzing. But I am the warning. I am the warning of what fault finding can bring. Now they need to see that reflection. So the world can be safer. Demonizing people creates exactly that: demons. Drugged, useless demons. So great job guys, I'm sure we all appreciate it.

Physical

I've moved from a deep freeze to semi freeze and now i seem to shift between a mild fight state and mild shutdown. The fight state involves more GI upset and increased BP and temperature. 

They call it polyvagal theory. The engagement zone, the freeze zone, the fight zone. There's much more detail but I'm still learning the truth and unlearning the Bipolar bullshit and toxic masculinity. But I truly was fucked over by psychiatrists addicted to thier own ideas of importance, ignoring red flags, overprescribing, and endangering this community with limited understanding of fight/flight symptoms, dinosauric theory, and a list of patented drugs that numb and alter behavior.  I helped them do it. I'm no longer helping them. There are others that are numbbed and walking around with thier issues. That ignore thier reality.

Sometimes medication is necessary. It should be used with caution. Men aren't dangerous unless they are taught to be dangerous. And even then they have to choose. Different men make different choices.

Patience

I struggle with patience. A traumatic event on top of a sudden increase in awareness is not a recipe for understanding. Being highly analytical is not a recipe for patience. The memory blocks and processing problems make tasks difficult. I'm too eager to engage. I slip into complacency. I look around and I see denial almost everywhere. People dripping with ignorance and yet only too sure of themselves. People with letters engaging in fits of incompetence and then disappointed at the results. Thinking that surely it's not that hard. Thinking that they are special. Thinking that they can see through the issues and fix me. It's not that it amuses me to see them fail or even that I want them to fail. I'm just amazed that they are wasting thier energy and engaging in such delusions. They called Prichards the magic maker. Now everyone wants to fix me and no one can. They wonder how I learned to idealize and engage in delusions when they themselves taught me line by line. They wonder if this "Bipolar" simply dropped down from heaven. They don't have the patience to realize that they themselves are human, they themselves make mistakes and fail. They want to demonize me but can't look in the mirror. I wonder why. I could be more patient if they weren't so full of shit themselves. Some of the changes in me are long term. Others are relatively permanent. There is no fixing me. The brain still has plasticity. Let it rest. Don't play with fire. And I will work on thoughts, emotions, and routines. Forget diagnoses. Forget medical solutions. Forget trying to manage me. Leave me be. Give me peace. I'll give you the same. I need quiet. That more then anything.

Thermometer

10. Rage

Psychosis like behavior. Defensive, abrupt, sometimes paranoia. Visual changes, fading out, hearing changes, faraway. Ranting. Intense fear.

9. Fury, hostile, closed. No longer listening.

8. Anger, impatient

^ Danger ^

7. Cautious, Irritable

6. Nervous/Alarmed

5. Overstimulated/stressed

^ Too activated ^

4. Peak, headache, fatigue, losing focus

3. Engrossed

2. Pleasant engagement 

^ Productive ^

1. Unoccupied, attentive, curious

0. Bored/tired. Slightly dreamy. Adhd like.