Courage

    Courage isn't just facing pain or uncertainty. Courage does also involve knowing when to say no. And that would be easier, if I wasn't raised to be addicted to liberalized medicine. 

    Do I know what the perfect middle ground is? Most definitely not. I do not. But what I am certain of, looking at my history, is that I was misled about what medicine can do. My body is too tired. Medically complex has got to be the body's way of saying "I can't keep doing this. I've got to slow it down. It's wearing me out." I've not been realistic. Whatever is or isn't wrong with me, I can't do the hospitals. God willing, I'll do whatever I can do, and I'll die peacefully. God willing, the world will back off angry so angry can back off too. 

    What I truly need is no more medicalized perfection and some privacy. Because to me this is Munchhausen's by proxy or something close to it. It's stressing me out. I need privacy. Medical complex trauma. You diagnosed it. It needs to stop. I know the doctors will find me. 

    I've got to focus on maintaining boundaries, minding my own business... accounting in limited amounts, and writing. Hopefully, Public Health is paying attention. To keep the kids safe from overmedicalization. Because I don't actually want to hurt myself or others, and the doctors weren't helping me. They're wasting public funding with this nonsense. Miseducated and misled. It has to stop. I need privacy and peace and quiet. That's what I need.