Dear Elle

Dear Elle,

    I'm drawing on the knowledge and the faith I have collected from so many people. You were there from 97-20. They can make it about your hair color or your physical attributes, but you were my RN. You watched over me, you taught me, you never failed me. You know me. 

    I need to be a better me. While I cannot simply sit and blame my families, I cannot stay the same nor can I simply forget. You may be asking why. Why he can't just go live life and work and get married and forget. To me, that kind of walking away is a betrayal of the struggle and an abandonment of the people like me who also got lost as well as a burying of the truth. I cannot be the only zombie that's been walking around drugged up. I cannot believe that living that way is healthy or right. Maybe I haven't seen enough evil, but life has not actually been a walk in the park. I don't like being that disabled guy with the name. 

    You WOULD NOT LET ME BREAK. So now I have to be more. To fail to do so would be to let the lies about myself and the people around me fester and to dishonor the work you did. God gives us purposes. In McClean I kept asking why. I could leave. I could go somewhere else. But it's been too long here. It's become unfinished business. What would I be if I let the people around me break? Maybe you didn't know how much I relied on you. Maybe there's people that rely on me too. 

    I have to trust. I have to try to lift others up. I won't always be able to. At times I will fail. My heart was never in the rat race. I wanted to touch people. I feel dull and worn. But so long as I am breathing, I will continue to try to understand how to make this right. I don't have it in me to shut my eyes and ears to focus on money and raising kids without first untangling the trail of pills and hospitals. There has to be something more. I hope, wherever you are, you understand. It seems so many other people want to bury this. Just give the psychotic guy more happy pills until he shuts up and does something useful. I hope they are wrong about me. There has to be something more than silence in my future.

Yours,

Ashes