Attention

I have some resentments regarding Healthcare that I need to move past. Funny thing is, the harder I try to avoid attracting attention, the more I seem to get. Like the doctor is always watching and the next hospital visit is just a breath away. I thought writing those poems for the hospitals would be like a goodbye. They weren't helping me. Not that much. They had already done what they could. I had been there enough. Yet they keep inviting me back. Maybe they'll ship me to Georgia next time. I'm sure GA dept of health would love that. 

I can't keep doing these hospitals. I don't have it in me. It just doesn’t make sense.  It does look like Munchousens or something. It makes no sense. You'd think I had cancer or something. And I definitely do not. They cant even agree on what the problem is, much less what to do about it. Just a bunch of short term, bandaid solutions. Alphabet soup diagnoses. I still like most of the people, but its hard to believe in the mission. Then they seem to resent my cynicism. But we'll see. 

I used to be an idealist. I can still play the part, but its hard to put the money where the mouth is. And it is hard to understand other people's perception of me. They surprise me all the time. Only lately not in good ways. Makes me wonder where this goes. It makes me nervous. Theres so much bitterness. Touch and go. Then they wonder why I don't speak. I wish the er would have respected my wishes and sent me home. Or at least told me the truth about the screwy lab results. Boggles my mind. We couldn't find anything? It makes no sense to lie like that. Unless they simply wanted to refuse treatment but couldn't legally do that. Of course they'll deny it. We're getting used to lies.