My Women and Game Theory

    I think it's important to realize the limits of humanity. I think it's important to realize the costs of idealization. That's a large part of where my CBT education went wrong. 

    I'm trying to apply game theory to my life. Making decisions that are interdependent. It's not just about impulsive or not impulsive. There's a problem with the me first, laissez-faire thinking. CBT can make it worse. When things aren't going right in your life, CBT is like benzos. 

    Teaches you that it's good enough the way it is. That's what it did for me. And that's wrong. Change is necessary. Apathy is not helpful. But change has to be based on interdependent decisions. If I'm not considering how my decision effects people that I care about, then I will make bad decisions. I have to do what's right for both me AND the group. That's the only way to win. 

    I was taught that I was either defective LD unstable unreliable or that i had gifts and I could do better than others. That's a very difficult dynamic to manage. It's very difficult to have a consistent identity and a stable life if people pull you in different directions. Because no man is an island, and we all are influenceable. I wasn't taught humility. 

    But I do care about people. I'm not actually evil or an addict, unless you consider a miseducation around expectations and prescription drugs to be addiction, and it's not that different. I'm tired of fighting people. I look to eastern harmony principles vs western medicine, and I find myself returning to game theory. 

    My social interactions are becoming like group therapy. That's not a good thing. People in other people's business too much. But there is an underlying cause. I was miseducated and trapped within a system of dysfunctional social behavior, particularly around healthcare. In supporting the mission of certain healthcare providers, we all went too far. It got ugly. 

    And I truly am tired. I do have to draw attention to the dysfunction, because it no longer is supporting anything useful, it is supporting ego and greed and chaos. Maybe my families aren't criminal networks. But they are promoting dysfunctional beliefs about medicine. They have made mistakes. 

    They saw my intelligence and they decided to run with it and medically perfect it. For all the good that that did. I was pushed too hard, and bipolar simply was used as a means to overmedicate and maintain the dysfunction. I truly believe that. But we saved a lot of lives at that hospital. 

    Now it's over. Now we have to move on. I have to retire from supporting dysfunctional psychiatry and medicine. I have to retire from professional patienthood. I have to clear out my mind and get an idea of what I am realistically capable of before I start doing too much. 

    I have felt caught between people. At times it has seemed like everyone wanted a piece. And for what? broke, on disability, with no partner, no kids, no nothing. I don't own my home. I don't own my car. I can't even afford my home. Exactly how am I winning here? 

    Now we can't even talk to each other. I don't know what happens next. But I think game theory plays into it. And so far it seems like the women have a more accurate perspective then the men, who are more prone to feeding the chaos then stopping it. But all human beings are capable of wise decisions.

    We have to choose to not ignore what is right in front of our eyes. We have to choose to see the truth. We have to choose to do what is best for both ourselves and the group. Ego is a problem in medicine. It can be just as dangerous as greed.