Traffic Control

    I'm used to flying under the radar. I'm used to keeping my anger hidden. I'm used to people waiting until I'm in the ER or until I'm buying guns or talking about death to want to do something about it. 

    This medical has warped my mind. I see everything in terms of medical. Social time with certain medical staff makes it worse. Discussing medical has become my kryptonite. I worry about what I say, what I don't say. 

    It's not actually my concern to have clozaril banned. People have to choose to see the negative effects and choose to use alternatives. Perception is powerful. A medication helps if you believe it helps, but you may not see how it warps your perception. Strength means sticking to the truth and to what's right without warping your mind with unnecessary medications, dysfunctional relationships, or unhealthy beliefs. 

    I know their hospitals. I know there are weaknesses in the system. But they have to let me help. Or I'm part of the problem. Hospitals can be like pressure cookers.

    I truly never wanted to be a doctor. I think I became interested in justice because of all the wrong I saw being done in the world. Only, eventually, I came to see that doctors can do wrong too.

    Hospitals need traffic control to keep people safe. Speed bumps, signs, and hard lines in the sand. Medication, and the practice of it, can distort the mind. Sometimes doctors don't know when to slow down, when to stop, there need to be people there helping them. People with the power to say no. And I can help. I can be useful in helping the doctors understand where the necessary lines are.

    I don't have the energy or the will to play into the machine anymore. It's backfired spectacularly. Which is not to say that good hasn't been done. It has. But there needs to be a time to step away. trying to medically perfect myself is really taking a toll. It's time for me to think about the future and not the past. I need to think about family, not the families that I thought I knew. I need to think about the family that I never took the time to create.

    The doctors are too busy alternately reveling in discovering the dysfunction and being pissed off that they can't stop it. Because it's a social problem. It requires social workers. Counselors. Not medication. And by making this public I both help myself and I help others. By doing what DSS cannot. Shutting down certain social patterns. 

    God forbid I end up in that hospital again, I know they will read this. And finally, they will know what not to do: don't threaten, don't lie, and above all, don't feed into patterns. stabilize the symptoms. Get me out of there. Keep certain people out of my business. 

    FDIA. Look it up. There's nothing actually wrong with me other than physical symptoms I myself report at the time or that are observed by independent medical professionals. The cPTSD/DID are the result of unaddressed FDIA. The Autism, CAPD and the ADHD are mild. Just don't keep me any longer then absolutely necessary. And give the security guards and the gossip a break. Stick to the basics. There is no danger. 

    If I limit my time around certain people and places, the symptoms should become fewer with time, the hospital visits less frequent. Whether or not I have Bipolar is at most a minor detail. I need to think about the future. That's in everyone's best interest.