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Mindfulness Trick in the ER

 Another trick I used in the ER while they were talking about me was an arcade. In my mind I played pac man, donkey kong, a martial arts game with a moving screen i can't remember the name of, space invaders... I kept my mind busy. Pong. Tennis. Whatever arcade game I could think of. 


I thought of different foods. Peeling an orange. Thinking the sensations. Crunches. vanilla. 


Sometimes when I can't sleep I think about my favorite foods. For the nuts, I like walnuts, pecans, and especially almonds. I love to go too the canned almond isle. What's the brand? Diamond? I pick a different one... Usually they're on sale, so i'll get two or three cans. The vinegar ones, honey, the BBQ... love those things. The nutritionists haec run me through all the diets and formulas. The colors. The plate formulas. Vegetarian, seafood... I always fall back on a combination of Mediterranean and complex carb. Few starches, lots of fruits and veggies, yogurt, my pasta is always wheat, not much cheese (usually only on pasta or salad... condiment... otherwise usually cheddar). For a while I was into the oat milk, then almond because it was cheaper. They stay almost forever, so you don't have to worry about running out. But these days I drink so much milk that I get a full gallon of the 2% each week. My desert is usually a smoothie. Frozen fruit, usually the mango,blueberry, raspberry or strawberry, some nonfat greek yogurt for protein, sometimes some lemon or lime juice, maybe a little ice, and of course the milk. Occasionally a dash of vanilla. 

The pasta, I get the whole wheat, the jarred sauce, parmesan cheese. The sauce is usually either Meat sauce, vodka sauce, tomato basil, or the marinara. Food Lion has a good brand for the meat sauce, otherwise Rao's from walmart. 

My rice is usually the brown, occasionally wild rice. Less butter than olive oil Olive oil can go on almost anything. 

Now and then I get the rotisserie chicken. Lemon pepper or traditional. The leftover, I rip up and put in chicken broth, throw in some veggies and either rice or the wheat pasta. 

Breakfast is usually the instant oatmeal (low sugar), eggs, or yogurt plus fruit. Cereal got pricey. But if I get cereal I like the Great Grains or something wheat. Sometimes a Special K type. 

If I don't feel like cooking or my stomach is bad, I go with the plant protein shake. The vanilla or chocolate.

I love my airfry/toaster/grill. For meat I usually get chicken, salmon, beef patties, top round, or london broil. Sometimes center cut or butterfly chops or lamb. I keep the seasoning pretty simple for my stomach. I like the A1 bold and spicy. 

I keep a lot of frozen veggies. Broccoli, aparagus, corn, brussel sprouts, maybe yams... colors.

For the lettuce, I like the spring, spring with spinach, or the red lettuce. 

I don't eat much chips. Nutritionist. But when I do, I get the sea salt, the tortilla, or the pringles type. Now and then doritos.

Popcorn if I'm watching tv. sometimes pretzels.

For candy I like the toffee or chocolate. 

Sometimes I'll get the bell peppers. Colors. Onions and tomatoes and cucumbers. White mushrooms, but preferably the portabella or shitake. Not big on potatoes. Sometimes salsa. 

For beer, my favorite brand is probably Killian's. Blue moon, Coronas, or just about any amber beer. Sometimes I'll get wine. If I drink hard liquor, it's usually Rum. Some kind of mojito or margarita. 

I love berries. Jams. The bread, I almost always get the 16 grain, oatmeal, the one in the green wrapper, or just whole wheat. Fresh carrots are a great snack. 

I used to eat almond butter, but now I prefer the all natural peanut butter. Sometimes with honey.

My coffee I make the espresso with milk, frothed or unfrothed with stevia, maybe vanilla or cinnamon. Otherwise the tea or I have the pod machine that I put different american coffee. With the american coffee, I like the liquid creamer. All natural if possible, otherwise usually the vanilla ones.

If I get ice cream I prefer Blue Bell. I like Nutella. I used to drink a lot of fruit juice, but the nutritionist said just eat fruit. So I save my money for the actual fruit. 

Hydroonic lettuce is great when it's a good price. The boston lettuce.

The only canned stuff I get is the soups. Lentil, chicken rice, sometimes the tomaro ones, sometimes chili, other times I get anything with some beans. 

I always keep some lemon and lime. I keep my fruit bowl full. Mangos are great.

If I go out I like sweet tea with the fruit flavoring. My favorite sodas are ginger ale and diet dr pepper. I like cantalope. I like tortillas. Spinach or wheat. Olives are great. Black or kalamata. Sometimes different trail mixes. I spend most of my time in fruits and veggies. I like old spice products. Axe body spray. soap i mostly get irish spring. My back gets dry so I have a back brush and a back lotion applicator. Intence moisture lotion. Nails I just keep cut and feet dry. I usually keep foot powder. Sometimes i put on clear polish. My lips get dry a lot so I use the beeswax or non-medicated balm. I prefer a shallow bath to a shower. I don't standing a lot. My back hurts and my feet hurt. But if I need it I use cbd cream or different non medicated gels or creams. I like essential oils but I like the incense better. candles sometimes. I don't watch much tv or play console games these days. I write, read, play omputer games, fiddle with the guitar, or scribble. Don't do much with IT these days. I got too much already. monitors, screens, computers. I sit outside, Play with the cat. I like lemonade. I usually make my own. 

I've got some clutter to sort out. I'm trying to switch to hypoallergenic cleaners, dish soap, vinegar, baking soda, lemon juice, the natural stuff. If something smells, I have the odor neutralizing fabric softener. Cleaning fabrics like carpet or furniture with a mix of water, dish soap, and distilled white vinegar. I like my toothbrush. Dentist recommended it. Phillips ProSonic I think. Makes flossing less necessary. I used to use the fluoride mouthwash, but sometimes the alcohol gives me dry mouth or irritates me so I just use like a scope nonalcoholic. I don't get as much dry eye these days, because I do the eye breaks and avoiding bright light and the blue light control. Blink more.

Sinuses do better with the flonase. I open the blinds for the light, listen to the birds. I built this L desk I ordered. It was hard. had a million pieces. Looks nice though. My body doesn't do that well to do the elliptical these days do I walk a lot. around the house, up and down the stairs. Sometimes I listen to music on my surround sound. I just got apple music again. Reading is mostly articles. books are harder these days. I've been trying to use the hypoallergenic sheets as much possible. I like to stretch and meditate and yoga and just move my body every day. I want to keep the house a few degrees cooler and run the fan more. I have resistence equipment but my body's been tired. I don't pay much attention to my clothes, as long as they are clean. Need to get my hair cut and my extension filed. Throw out some old hygiene stuff. Donate some clothes. Donate some books and electronics or sell them. Wash my car. Go through old mail. Find a way to reduce unwanted calls and emails. touch up the furniture with the markers and stuff. Go through old papers and files. Mostly it's all the electronics people have given me or accumulated from my IT hobby. Change out some photos. 

I only play one computer game regularly. With ships. Sometimes I play a shooter or a city builder. I used to like RPGs, but I have trouble focusing on them now. Reading, writing, basic self-care, and the ship game are fall backs. The cat. I get annoyed with Paypal a lot. Synchrony BITES. Hate that company. Hate them. 

I still have HBO and the walmart paramount and samsung tv plus. I love my tv. Just seems to be the same stuff on all the time though. When I do watch, it's more documentaries and comedy these days. Sometimes a drama. 

I got a soccer ball but I think my nephew took it. I used to love tennis. 

Bipolar

 So in the hospital, I was talking about trauma memories. Symbols. Places. That kind of thing, And then they changed it to bipolar again, and I really don't think they actually believe that they just want me to stay away from certain people. Hence the boundaries. You don't fix this with medication. That's not how it works. I was not manic. You know this. I was dissociating. It was obvious. This is not bipolar. It never was. You know this. 

My family wants it to be bipolar, so it can be the meds, and it can be Gateway. Gateway's never going to take someone with a trauma disorder. That's not what they do. Just because you change a code. That doesn't make it true.

That's why clozaril doesn't work. 

But people are still gonna look for a place to put me, even if that place doesn't want me. A fake dx don't make the wheels turn. you knew it too.

You emphasized the boundaries. You hated the memories and symbols. Because this is not bipolar. You think Gateway's gonna believe this shit? You know they don't. They never will. I have too much history. These centers know me, just like you do.

It was never mania. They call it one of the most over diagnosed disorders for a reason. You are professionals. You know it was dissociation just like everyone else in this world.

You do not have these kinds of patterns and memories and symbols with Bipolar. It simply doesn't happen.

This doesn't go away with medication or with centers. Trauma patterns can actually be reinforced in centers. But you come up with a new idea every day to explain it. Therapy unlocks the memories and processes them and then the patterns can be extinguished. You got another expert to throw at it yet?

This is not bipolar. No matter how much I say it is or how many codes you change, that's not what it is. It'll just be code of the day. Nothing I said in there had anything to do with bipolar. Zero. Absolutely none. There is no bipolar. It doesn't exist for me. You know this. You just wanted me out because I was dissociating like crazy and you couldn't handle it.

No matter where you send me or who you put me with, it is a trauma disorder. It is symbols. Music. Memories. That never changes. So why the disorder of the day? I did say I didn't want to talk about DID. But you never liked that dx anyway. This is patterns, memories, triggers, and dissociation. You never denied that. A fake dx won't change the truth. The seroquel got me out of there. Thank you.

I'll try to dissociate less. As far as the journaling, just don't read it. You don't need to know. I process with journaling. Not with medication. You know this. My family will always try to get me to stop. Because they don't want me to remember the past. But medication doesn't make it go away. You know this. You said it before I even left. If I don't process, I'll just run around causing chaos. How does that help?

The dx's, the med train, it has to stop. The centers can't help with this. That's not what they do. A fake dx don't help them too. The best boundaries I have right now are to stay away from certain populations. If i'm around people on meds, that gets me thinking about meds.

How's anyone going to believe this horseshit? Don't pretend you don't know. It won't help Gateway. It won't help Phoenix. I'm taking the meds. I'm doing the self-care. Let's not play around. We'll just run each other into the ground. No matter how much I lie to please the same people you told me to stay away from, it won't help anyone. Not even me.

The truth hurts. But so do lies. Yeah, you'll scrub the paperwork. I understand. But don't pretend you didn't know this. 3 social workers? Multiple psychiatrists? Symbols? Memories? lack of presence? Multiple names? Responding based on previous patterns and memories? Ring a bell? Dissociation anyone? No one's programming me. You saw it all. The disjointed communication? Being lost in the past? Ring a bell? I don't blame you for wanting me out. But spreading this stuff around? not smart, people. How someone can interact with so many people in such cryptic communication and not respond well to medication can only mean so many things. Past associations. Triggers. Memories.

I'm not trying to control anyone. I'm trying to contain my problems. The memories, triggers, and patterns. I'd rather not spread it around. People want to talk, they talk. I get it. Just don't make me spread this around. I don't see how centers will contain this. I've been to more then a few. I need to avoid past patterns. Don't like reading this? Please don't read. It's not for people that don't want to read it. Use parental controls, blocking, whatever you need to do. Exercise your own choice not to read. What I don't say and what people don't read can't hurt them. Found anyone else to drag in yet? You'll find a new one by the hour. Maybe not thinking about this is the point, but I've to be mentally clear before I can think about anything. It will cause harm. You know this. Do I seem mentally clear to you? Do I seem like I can help anyone or be particularly useful right now? Playing my family against my counselor against this center or that center doesn't help, You know this. You didn't try. Good job. Now let the mentally fucked up person not spread this around.

I behave differently from hour to hour sometimes. You think I should be around people? Great Idea.

Look, it doesn't have to be something people have to deal with in this community. If you don't force this stuff out into the community, maybe everyone is better off? perhaps?

My behavior was so inconsistent, my medical symptoms diverse, my communication almost nonexistent, my capacity near zero, and you want me running around?

I don't see it. Maybe gateway or Phoenix will but I don't. A fake dx, some meds, and some manipulation won't change that. So whatever you really think, you managed the symptoms, you calmed the dissociation, you got me out. Scrub the papers the way it needs be. How you possibly believe that diagnosis after all this time and all the symptoms you clearly saw, I have no idea. I'm taking the meds. Let me try to use these skills, the knowledge you gave me about being careful with people and don't make me spread this around. I do not want to talk about mental illness with other people. It's not healthy. I just don't understand the dx merry go round and the jumping me from here to there. You managed the symptoms. The meds help. Dissociation doesn't clear up that fast. It always comes back. And there's about 30 years of records to verify that. I don't see how bipolar makes sense. But i'll take the meds. Let the rest go. You know the history. You still call it trauma. Don't make me spread this around.

Triggers

I don't remember any names from the ER. By design. I don't want to remember your names. I barely remember your faces. Some of you wore masks. I don't need to see your faces. Wear masks if you will. I only remember 3 names from the MIP visit. They mean nothing to me. I do not care who you are. That's not the point. You are not my friends. You are not my family. I do not want to remember your names.

There is one name that is hard to forget. The doctor that has been at MIP the longest. I made the mistake of learning his name. I made the mistake of learning a good bit about him. And now he and I are triggers for each other. There's almost infinite reasons for that. Some are more complex than others. Yes, I still hear your voice. Yes, I know you're there. It took me a while to understand. I am not there to see you. I never intended to end up there. I try to forget you now. Like all the rest. You are not my friends. You are not my family. You work for PRISMO. That is who you are to me. I am trying to forget. I am not trying to remember. The less I remember, the better. I do not need you to know me. I need you to forget.

Right now, no one in this county needs to know me. I am a face. You don't even need my name. I'm not here for you. What I do is not important. It is not going to harm you. You don't need to look me up. I don't need to look you up. I am simply present. I am trying to forget. That is what I need. Nothing else. Once I have forgotten... then there can be more. Don't ask for more right now. You don't want to know me right now. The comments, I can ignore. Just filter me out.

ER Coping Skills

I used a lot of coping skills in the ER, as dissociated as I was. I counted things. Lots of imagery. I visited so many places. Around SC. Around the US. Around the world. I looked at outer space. At stars. I used ocean waves. Rain. Beaches. Forests. I rode leaves down streams. Jumped frogs. Waded in creeks. Built things. Watched fireworks. I floated in water. Mostly in the ocean. I collected shells. I saw waterfalls. I played almost every song I could think of. I reviewed intellectual topics. The military is a favorite. I contemplated different ships. The F-35. International Relations. Politics a little. Different people. Famous ones. I was the wind. I was the rain. I flew. I went swimming in the ocean. I closed my eyes and I went away. My mind was busy going here and there. I remembered conversations, certain memories.  I played with animals and critters some. I felt the sheets. They gave me some sprite. I focused on the bubbles. It was actually more nature imagery then music. But I kept my mind busy in whatever way I could. Then I started to come back. I started repeating trauma memories. I mentioned a few names. Honestly, I could barely tell who I was talking to. That became a thing. The whole, cleaning staff wear this color, techs that color, nurses this color. I believe I called nurses doctors at times. I kept my mind busy in whatever way I could. I can't even remember all the things I thought about. The counting was mostly fish or sheep or cows. I did the wind through the trees. Leaves are a favorite. I ran. I was in my mind. Blue jays, robins. Anything and everything I could to keep my mind off the trauma and off what was going on. Sea critters. Whales. Dolphins. At one point I was simply picking locations in the world. New Zealand. North Carolina. I was trying not to focus too much on any one thing. So I didn't use the same places. I tried to pick somewhere different to visit, a different animal, a different non personal memory. I skipped rocks. West Virginia. I revisited stories I had heard from random people. I wiggled my toes. Moved my fingers. Sometimes tapping, others just flexing. I mostly kept my eyes closed. I breathed. Sometimes to interrupt my thoughts I used phrases. 

At home, I prefer the hydration, the stretching, the yoga, reading, mild exercise, I review the five senses in every way I can think of. Different things to touch. Temperature changes. Not so much smells as I thought I would. I keep lemon, ginger, teas, fruit, veggies, spices. 

I've been getting into new things. Rocks. The counting down from 100 by 7s. I've always liked art. I'm not good at drawing or painting, but I like seeing it. Sculpture. I like birds. Trees. The rubbery grippy socks in the hospital. I liked the rubber part.

Lately I've had Nickleback in my head. "Where do I Hide".

Sometimes it's just a ticking clock. 

Internist Followup

The blood pressure was 149/92. Repairs are underway. 

Everywhere I go, I get comments. To the store, out to eat, in the parking lot, at the library, everywhere.

Checkers keep checking. But my stomach has calmed down. I've been eating more. 

When I volunteered at crisisline, I heard many things. At times, we had to work with the police. At times, 911. All sorts of problems. On the main line. On Julie Valentine. On Safe Harbor. Some of the things I said then, I wouldn't say now. Some of the things I didn't fully understand, I understand better now. Some of the strange behavior. Some of the attitudes. The thoughts. It makes more sense. There were hospitals that threatened people with restraining orders then. They do it now too. Trauma works in weird ways. There were people that wouldn't leave other people alone no matter what. That hasn't changed. There were people who were in bad situations. Who could have left. But this was their home. They wouldn't leave. There were people that called regularly. That we knew by name. I can still remember a name or two. But that was a long time ago. Some things never change. 

You get less heat by keeping your head down. You get less heat by working with the system. But you don't get change. You stay the same. Day after day. They will always be people trying to drag you back, drag you down. Sometimes closing one's ears becomes necessary. A survival mechanism. People always talk. And yet, life does go on. They don't like the places I shop. The food I eat. The way I live. The people I associate with. There's always something to criticize. They want me gone. Or at least quiet. 

So I keep the doctors informed. At home I hydrate. I run those nutrients, meds, and the stress through my system. Day by day. I close my ears when I have to.

Hospital Staff

Everybody's got a voice right? Well, I heard a few voices in the hospital. Only these were real. From technicians to nurses to doctors to whatever their positions were. It wasn't just one or two. There was a clear message. One they wanted me to send.

That message was "fuck off".

They were quite passionate about this message. So I gotta pass it on. As a courtesy.

How do you know when you have a problem? When the hospital staff is literally instructing you on how to tell people in your life to fuck off. And I gotta respect that. Because people do get pissed off. They get pissed off when members of the community are having other members of the community moved from this center to that center to this hospital to that hospital and getting a new label every day. It does piss people off. Especially if those members of the community are trying to manage the medication of other members of the community, generate referrals out of thin air, contradict the orders of the hospital or the outpatient psychiatrist or the counselor or this person or that person. And if it keeps happening, there will be a hit list. Not mine. 

Why am I trying to walk this middle road? Because I think the centers are tired. 

Yeah people get tired. I'm trying to keep my head straight in all of this. I need fewer opinions. I need less attention. 

But no, I'm the name! You know the one. It's on the documents. I'm the yes sirs and thank yous and the pleases. That's who I am. The name. Maybe I'm the last to realize. 

And what's with all the moving standards? every day a new standard. And it's always with strings. More strings then you can count. Does the world have enough problems yet? It starts with the vague standards. Then as soon the work begins the standards change. No they'll never be met. Because they will always be different. Every second of every day.

And then it's the, but you're the mental health advocate! Or you're the mentally ill, or a drug addict! You got another new label for me? Do I need to save the world? Is it my job to go from center to center, preaching the word? But have hope! Tomorrow is a new Center! here's your commandments:

1. Thou shalt take thy medication

2. Thou shalt shut thy mouth and play along

3. Thou shalt fake being interested

4. Thou shalt maintain thy last name

5. Thou shalt remain guilty

6. Thou shalt run around

7. Thou shalt cast blame

Believe it or not, pissed off people, there's someone in your court. She's not very popular right now. But she's there. Go ahead and pass the blame along, people. You know who you are. let's all pass it around.

Does everyone have a voice? Yes. Has there been enough talking yet? I hope so. I don't like pissing people off. It's happened a time or two.

Where is the middle road in all this? Cause I'm walking a fine line here. Let's not zig zag too much.

Is any one of these people perfect? NO! Am I trying to tear people down? NO. I don't like doing that. But occasionally I have to call people out, as stubborn as they may be. 

Can we all shut up and go home yet?

I gotta let people have a voice. And those voices are getting loud. And those voices are not in my head. And I can't ignore them.

Do we have enough voices yet? Do we need a petition?

No, I don't own my home. I'm not proud of that. But where are we gonna send him next? Is there a center lining up for a fake referral? No? Then maybe there is no center for this. Maybe we can't find a hole shitty enough to bury this guy in? Call him what you like. There doesn't need to be a petition. Because some voices are real. And loud. and angry. Occasionally, I have to listen.

I don't like doing this. But some things you can't hide. Not even in shadows. 

Me trying to think straight

Well, heard back from the psychiatrist, steady as she goes there. Maintain strong boundaries, communicate with internist. I left a message with the internist. I don't know how someone could think so much and have trouble keeping thoughts together. But this isn't supposed to be a race. Seems that with my stress level going down, the physical and mental symptoms have improved. My energy is still very low. If the world can be patient, I can be patient. There's some past to get past. I did push too hard at the tax office. I get so excited about working and towards deadline time I was barely holding on. Yet that or mental illness seems to be all people know about me sometimes. I don't need people to know a lot. I don't see why I have to talk so much. I like keeping my peace. 

What with this weather I'm not excited about picking up the refill. I have the old ones. I think I may have to just use the smaller tablets, same dose. Same medicine. I so do not want to go back there. I'm not in love with this medication. You may think I am. I'm not. It's something I have to do.

The rain keeps me grounded. Sitting in the car listening to the rain. 

So now it seems to be down to the house and appointment. Always loved a good rainstorm. And seeing the stars. I could almost play that Calm music all day. I've listened to two actual songs since getting out. That frequency music just settles me right down. I'll find my sense of humor again one of these days. I haven't really laughed in the longest time. So disconnected from my emotions. 

I really don't know how much people actually care. All I know is I've gotten a lot of heat. There's always something. I used to take life less seriously. Now it seems to be bridging gaps. So many gaps and so many bridges to build. My throat feels better. Unless I talk too much. The magnet freaked me out because one time it seemed to cause a malfunction where I felt the wire in my shoulder heat up and I was in pain. But the nuerologist reprogrammed the device. But if I'm turning it off to talk all the time then it's not actually working as much. So I like to space out my talking. Voice wasn't incredibly strong to start with.

How one can be so tired? Tired of the get over it bullshit. Just let me be. You don't have to be involved. 

Mirage

 I am the mirage in your mind

Whatever you see in me is not really there

Whatever you hear is an illusion of your mind

If you need me, you have me in your mind

you can visit me there...


My body is not who I am

Nor is my mind.

Do not chase me in the desert

For you will die of thirst.


But I am there for you when you need me

I'm there in your mind's eye

If I am in your heart,

That is your choice

But do not chase me.


I am your hallucination

I am your imagination

Do not chase what is not real

For you will never catch it.


I am your mirage.

I am imperfect.

Let me fade.


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Past Reflections