Sometimes When We Touch (signals)

You ask me if I love you

 

And I choke on my reply

I'd rather hurt you, honestly

Than mislead you with a lie

And who am I to judge you

On what you say or do?

I'm only just beginning

To see the real you

And sometimes when we touch

The honesty's too much

And I have to close my eyes and hide

I wanna hold you 'til I die

'Til we both break down and cry

I wanna hold you

'Til the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy

Leaves me battling with my pride

But through the insecurity

Some tenderness survives

I'm just another writer

Still trapped within my truth

A hesitant prize fighter

Still trapped within my youth

Sometimes when we touch

The honesty's too much

And I have to close my eyes and hide

I wanna hold you 'til I die

'Til we both break down and cry

I wanna hold you

'Til the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you

And drive you to your knees

At times I'd like to break through

And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you

And I know how hard you've tried

I've watched while love commands you

And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters

Still searching for a friend

A brother or a sister

But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch

The honesty's too much

And I have to close my eyes and hide

I wanna hold you 'til I die

'Til we both break down and cry

I wanna hold you

'Til the fear in me subsides

Musical Diagnoses

Well, the hospital talked to the doctor talked to the internist talked to the counselor talked to the... wait? What's on the chart? Let's see...

Blood Pressure, 135/84 (Not bad!)

Pulse 68 (Great!)

Weight: gained a couple pounds back

Problem List: (This is the funny part)

Annual wellness exam (As if that is useful)

Long term use of drug (they're called prescriptions. You wrote them)

Chronic midline backpain without sciatica (as if that is unusual)

GERD (from taking clozaril and eating too much plus stress)

High risk medication use (kinda repetitive)

Severe episode of Recurrent major depressive disorder, WITHOUT psychotic features)

Sleep apnea, Obstructive (I don't sleep so good. Thanks, Clozaril weight gain plus stress)

Deviated nasal septum (from an impact)

Chronic Idiopathic constipation (gotta love this terminology)

Auditory processing Disorder (Don't hear so great)

GERD with esophagitis (As if that wasn't mentioned above)

Treatment resistant DEPRESSION (they keep inventing new types)

PTSD (Still here)

Mental Health Problem (Gotta love this one. I didn't want DID on the chart so they made one up)

Prediabetes (Another diet thing... though I'm barely in the range)

NAFLD (Nonalcoholic fatty liver... stress and clozaril)

Internal Hemorrhoids (The problem everyone wants to know)

Hyperlypidemia (This one seems new)

Weight Loss, unintentional (And here they state the obvious)

Chronic nausea (Thank you, stress and ADHD meds)

Psychosis (This one pops up from time to time)

Bipolar episode, current episode depressed, severe, with psychotic features (make up your mind)

Autism Spectrum Disorder (Here we go again)

ADHD (The first one I ever got)

BMI of 27-27.9 (shrug)

Annnnnnnnnd... down to 5 meds. 2 depression, 1 PTSD, 1 Blood pressure, one non-benzo anxiety)

Annnnnnnnnd... they're finally getting my name right.

Annnnnnnnnd... thank God no new referrals... Talk to the counselor to the internist to the GI Doc.

The one thing we decided for sure is that if I'm in the hospital again MIP will call me by the name on the chart or the guy with the name that rhymes with tent and the people above him will be hearing from me. Changed my emergency contact. Signed the new consent forms to coordinate care. So now the Psych can talk to the counselor who gets all the paperwork anyways and knows this is a bunch of bullshit that doesn't need fancy terms to describe it. I was raised by hospitals. This is the end result. Fathers were doctors and mothers were nurses. And now I'm here. With a problem list. And no ADHD meds. Cuz they suck.

Back in two weeks.

I am numero ocho.

Intrusive Thoughts (KPD)

 They started describing it alternatively as obsessions, bizarre thoughts, Hallucinations, voices... finally it drifted to intrusive thoughts and occasionally back to hallucinations, depending on the source. If it's past related, it's generally called voices, flashbacks, dissociations, or intrusive thoughts. If it's substance or medically related, it's voices or hallucinations. If it's present time related, it's the obsessions or bizarre thoughts. 

Intrusive thoughts are generally related to past experience but are triggered by things that happen in the present. Anything sensory that triggers a past association. My most common ones are seeing or hearing people from the past or seeing or hearing the same stimuli from the past. MIP. So many intrusive thoughts can come. Unfortunately, I know every square inch. It all has memories.

Now it feels like intrusive checking. The same people with the same judgments and concerns coming back for more. The Psychiatrists and relatives... the first rather reluctantly, the second rather addictively. Now I talk to a P.A. The mere fact that he does not qualify as a "psychiatrist" seems to console me. They move codes and labels around on a chart with their medications and talk about substances like it's their religion. 

The checking feels like a colonoscopy at times. Always looking for a polyp. So far, I'm signed up for weekly colonoscopies. I pass enough of those, maybe I'll get to space them out. I guess the LPCs will consult with the Psychiatrists, Social workers, nurses, MDs and others, and they'll come back to me with a plan on that. Maybe the Techs will get a break. The professionals alternate from annoyed to amused. Particularly the Internist's office. So, I space out my words. BP's remained within slightly elevated but normal limits. So, I continue the non-medical intervention: diet and mild exercise with stress management. The only Psychiatrist I can manage to take seriously at this point is the one that is/was assigned to work with the PA. That and care coordination keep him within that circle of trust. Every psychiatric guideline in my head resonates from that Psychiatrist and PA. To me, Bipolar is a rich shrink's pipe dream. It's such a vague and elastic concept that you could throw it at a wall and it just might stick. 

Maybe I'll add a dx to the DSM V. Under personality disorders. We'll call it Knowitall Personality Disorder (KPD).

Diagnostic criteria:

1. Habitual need for checking

2. Extensive knowledgebase

3. Inability to quit

4. Does not qualify for an obsessive disorder

5. Extreme need for categorization

6. Excessive attention to detail

7. Inability to shut mouth

8. Robotic communication

9. Excessive recordkeeping

10. Fails to take vacations

11. Maintains licensure when it makes no sense to do so

12. Condescending demeanor, with or without obnoxiousness

13. Intolerance for lesser beings

14. Lack of Hobbies

Exclusion criteria:

1. No four degree or higher or equivalent.

2. Has attended counseling voluntarily

3. Attends religious services regularly

4. Does not have a history of substance use

Trust Concepts

I've been thinking about trust a lot lately. I've got my categories.

Community

I can see and hear you. You are animate... living and breathing.

Person

    I've met you. I may know your name. You're not an animal. I don't treat you like one.

Acquaintance

    I've met you. We've interacted on multiple occasions. I know your name. I may not always remember it. Favors are limited based on need and give and take.

Friend

    I interact with you regularly or repeatedly over a long period of time. I know your name. I almost always remember it. Favors are limited based more on need then give and take.

Relative

    You have a biological or contractual connection to me or someone with that connection.

Family

    You live with me. You may be a cat, dog, or other domestic animal.

Professional/Client

    I interact with you only when you are under a contract to do so or are being paid to do so and vice versa. If you/I are not being paid, then you/I are on vacation.

Anchor

    Whether you are present or not, I tend to remember you, and I will aid or protect you within my abilities and within the letter of the law. But I am human. I can only do so much. You also fall another category.

If I don't say something, it is not appropriate or necessary for me to comment or I'm not sure about the answer. If I ask a question you don't want/need to answer, then don't answer or decline to answer. 

Boundary statements

I need you to XYZ (violation)

You are XYZ (violation)

I know your name and don't use it or use other names instead (violation)

You need to XYZ with XYZ person or in XYZ situation (violation)

I talk about you when you're not around (violation)

I use or move your things without asking or not under a contract of some sort (violation)

I touch, look at you, think about you, talk about you, or listen to what you're saying without permission that is implied or direct (violation)

He/she is... (violation)

Can I...? (No "you"... ok)

Would you (No "I"s... ok)

I contact you without permission or legitimate authority within the law. (violation)

Most obviously, I treat you differently based on a category related to personal characteristics. Violation.

My personal space is part of my person. That includes my living area. Don't violate it.

If you need something and it is implied, don't expect to get it. If you need something, and ask by using a lot of implied feelings, don't expect to get it. If you are being appropriate about the size of the request and the relationship and simply ask for what you want from me without referencing someone or being too personal, you just might get it.

From time to time, I need to remind myself of these things. If a relationship becomes too poisoned, I take a vacation or a permanent break. If you receive a warning (some people will call them threats even if they are not specific) or I stop responding or block your communications, you are on an involuntary vacation from all categories and interaction. The "Don't contact me again unless I contact you" is implied. DSS, FBI's ICD, SCDHEC, BBB and the local police are a click or phone call away. ICD and BBB are the only ones that tend to hear from me. I prefer not to put people behind locked doors.

If you say, "quit it", "give it up", "let it go" or something nonspecific, you are wasting your breath and energy. I'll have no idea what you are talking about, and you will gain nothing. Generally, it's not your business anyways. Develop some common sense.

Smoke Signals

Now and then I think of when we were together

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

Told myself that you were right for me

But felt so lonely in your company

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Like resignation to the end, always the end

So when we found that we could not make sense

Well, you said that we would still be friends

But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

No, you didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records and then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I'd done

But I don't wanna live that way

Reading into every word you say

You said that you could let it go

And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

No, you didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records and then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody (I used to know)

Somebody (now you're just somebody that I used to know)

Somebody (I used to know)

Somebody (now you're just somebody that I used to know)

I used to know

That I used to know

I used to know

Somebody

The Halls of McClean

I spent roughly a year there, in two stints. Basically, two long halls with a kitchionette type area, individual rooms, a heavily armored screened in porch. An elevator with keys going up to staff floors.

And I walked the halls of McClean. Through the shadows and enduring the storms...

Then they snicker. Oh the poor shit. He makes up his demons and they lock him away. Oh poor us, we have to tolerate the little shit and his demons. WERE YOU OVER A YEAR BEHIND LOCKED DOORS!?!? DID YOU NOT SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!?!? WHAT OF LAW CONVICTED ME BEFORE YOU LOCKED ME UP AND THREW AWAY THE KEY?????? WHAT CRIME DID I COMMIT????????????

And there was Clozaril... the ashes and the dust rose into shape... were moved to a halfway house... Ran to CVS... took a cocktail... back to the house... there was EMS, waiting. My absence had been reported. 

I'm the addict? YOU PUT ME ON MEDICATION, THEN YOU BLAME ME FOR BEING ON DRUGS? I'M SOCIETY'S PROBLEM????? AM I THE ONE WHO LOCKED ME AWAY?????????? YOU TOOK ME THERE ON A PLANE. DROPPED ME OFF LIKE A SUITCASE. NO LIGHT, NO TV, NO FRIENDS, NO NOTHIN. BLAME THE DID. IT'S DAMNED CONVIENENT. KICK IT AROUND. LAUGH IT UP.

By the time I reached Beth Israel Deaconess, I was in an altered state of consciousness...

Coma #2. Why did I wake up again? I'm back! Running around!

Woke up. Back to McClean. More Clozaril. Ashes and Dust is back. We're piled into a car, piled onto a cot or makeshift bed outside the nurses' station at Lost and Rigged, which tried to refuse me. Another year... A PhD and the drugs working their magic... Ashes and Dust reshaped. The Guardian Arose. No Diamonds just yet... The child came home... the origin remained.

You spend enough time in places like McClean... You get like this...

There are plenty of shadows in those hallways... There are echoes in those hallways... there's very little light, and it's artificial. There's social workers barricaded in offices on the upper floor... The MDs walk around like Gods... The attendants move you around... You want nightmares? Go to McClean. You'll find them. Metal doors with the small windows. Turn the key and you'll locked in all night.

Don't bother to scream. Won't make a difference.

They put him on TV, that God. He had a name. German. One or twice, he would take that key, turn it in the elevator door. turn a key for a particular floor, one of the staffing levels. I think there were only two floors above ground. It was the Mood Disorders and Psychotic Unit. YOU KNOW, THE NAZIs WERE GERMAN TOO. THEY HAD THESE PLACES. THEY CALLED THEM CAMPS. Only this German didn't carry a gun. He carried Harvard's drug trials. Clozaril was taken off the market, put back on. They said, people are dropping like flies in the Boston Area. Let's medicate. We'll call it Clozana. It's the legalized THC. DRUG THEM UP. SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE... so many things you'll eventually be dead anyways. How do you think my medical chart has the long list of physical ailments? This shit ain't kosher. It kills you. Why do I have the scars on my arms? IV. ECT. Clozaril blood tests. It can kill your immune system, and if it doesn't, you'll be dead from the other side effects eventually. Give it time. Diabetes, fatty liver, cholesterol, Immune system changes... This shit kills you. One day at a time. Only we get to make it in a factory. Too bad the patient expired...

SPREAD THE BLAME AROUND. YOU WEREN'T LOCKED UP. OVER A YEAR. THEN THE ECT TO MAKE YOU FORGET BEING A VEGETABLE IN A METAL GARDEN.

I went back there once. It made no sense. When I was at Riggs. I went back. Walked right up to that armored porch. Stood around. Walked away. 

I'm supposed to help people? Like this? Good luck. I am the walking dead. I rise up again. I walk around. I am the Ashes, I am the Dust. I take a shape. I have a name.

Occasionally, I can put this down. Just don't talk about the past. There's things I don't want to remember.

I like to live a quiet life. Sensory hypersensitivity. I can hear from different rooms, different floors. Outside, I can hear for miles it seems. I prefer to mind my own business. I've heard enough. 

Abandonment Fantasies

Yesterday, I had another one. I was in the counseling office, working with Intern #1. There were people in the hallway. One of them sounded like Intern #2 that I had just met with the other day. I recognized tone of voice, I filled in details even as I was talking to Intern #1, and there I was on the encrypted app, telling my counselor that these people can't quit on me. I was wrong. There were only five other people in the building. Two professionals, Intern #1, two other people.

I had the earplugs in most of the time. Now I'm getting the noise cancelling ones. I gotta pick my realities carefully. When I'm on too much meds, I don't do that. I don't put myself in the right places when I'm on too much meds. I'm picking my places and people carefully. Earplugs... Need new glasses with the tinting and antiglare to control the light. Wear masks when I'm feeling cross, so people don't ask me questions.

I got my own problems. Leave them alone. Leave the professionals alone. Don't weaponize me. If you're over the age of 18, you have legal responsibilities. Keep them in mind. If you're not, talk to an adult when you have a problem or concern. If you follow, stay within the limits of the law. Don't follow too close. Find different outlets here and there. Give people space. Auditory. Visual. Tactile. Those are important boundaries. Don't you go haunting. We don't need more ghosts.

These professionals, they restructure your thoughts. They use careful wording, tone of voice... it's called suggestion. I've done hypnosis. That has risks. It went the wrong way a bit. You have sensory issues, you gotta be careful with public places. You get overwhelmed. That's why church doesn't do it for me. Too much stimulation. I get overwhelmed and I shut down. It's not a spiritual thing. Yes, I was raised Catholic. Yes, it is still a guiding framework for me. No, I can't go to church much. No, I'm not a Satan worshiper. Some very moral, religious people don't know many people. And they do great. I'm not saying I'm them. I'm saying it can be done.

Riggs was big on the psychoanalysis/psychodynamics. A lot of suggestion. That psychologist had a gentle touch. Said very little. Restructured my mind a bit. He missed some things, I think. Now I do the family/relations type stuff. They do the rest. 

Numbers

 Off again... here I go... round and round... for the show

1 2 3

1 2 3

4 5 6

Round to 8

Back to 2

Now to eight

... Where's 7? 7, come in please.

7, stand down.

Number one, drop the toys.

Blue Screen. Intermission.

Building up... Here comes 4, save the day, to the floor...

7's lifting weights again...

2's looking for a friend.

3's got stage fright... 5's picking fights.

Rising up, here again, we're a crowd, here to win

Should we call roll?

Take 5, 5.

Drop a number.

All together, like we can!

Raise a hand! Rise again!

Let's all say Grace. Is there a Grace here? No? Not yet.

Let's search for Endurance.

You want me back? Take a number.