Physical

I've moved from a deep freeze to semi freeze and now i seem to shift between a mild fight state and mild shutdown. The fight state involves more GI upset and increased BP and temperature. 

They call it polyvagal theory. The engagement zone, the freeze zone, the fight zone. There's much more detail but I'm still learning the truth and unlearning the Bipolar bullshit and toxic masculinity. But I truly was fucked over by psychiatrists addicted to thier own ideas of importance, ignoring red flags, overprescribing, and endangering this community with limited understanding of fight/flight symptoms, dinosauric theory, and a list of patented drugs that numb and alter behavior.  I helped them do it. I'm no longer helping them. There are others that are numbbed and walking around with thier issues. That ignore thier reality.

Sometimes medication is necessary. It should be used with caution. Men aren't dangerous unless they are taught to be dangerous. And even then they have to choose. Different men make different choices.

Patience

I struggle with patience. A traumatic event on top of a sudden increase in awareness is not a recipe for understanding. Being highly analytical is not a recipe for patience. The memory blocks and processing problems make tasks difficult. I'm too eager to engage. I slip into complacency. I look around and I see denial almost everywhere. People dripping with ignorance and yet only too sure of themselves. People with letters engaging in fits of incompetence and then disappointed at the results. Thinking that surely it's not that hard. Thinking that they are special. Thinking that they can see through the issues and fix me. It's not that it amuses me to see them fail or even that I want them to fail. I'm just amazed that they are wasting thier energy and engaging in such delusions. They called Prichards the magic maker. Now everyone wants to fix me and no one can. They wonder how I learned to idealize and engage in delusions when they themselves taught me line by line. They wonder if this "Bipolar" simply dropped down from heaven. They don't have the patience to realize that they themselves are human, they themselves make mistakes and fail. They want to demonize me but can't look in the mirror. I wonder why. I could be more patient if they weren't so full of shit themselves. Some of the changes in me are long term. Others are relatively permanent. There is no fixing me. The brain still has plasticity. Let it rest. Don't play with fire. And I will work on thoughts, emotions, and routines. Forget diagnoses. Forget medical solutions. Forget trying to manage me. Leave me be. Give me peace. I'll give you the same. I need quiet. That more then anything.

Thermometer

10. Rage

Psychosis like behavior. Defensive, abrupt, sometimes paranoia. Visual changes, fading out, hearing changes, faraway. Ranting. Intense fear.

9. Fury, hostile, closed. No longer listening.

8. Anger, impatient

^ Danger ^

7. Cautious, Irritable

6. Nervous/Alarmed

5. Overstimulated/stressed

^ Too activated ^

4. Peak, headache, fatigue, losing focus

3. Engrossed

2. Pleasant engagement 

^ Productive ^

1. Unoccupied, attentive, curious

0. Bored/tired. Slightly dreamy. Adhd like.

FBI

So I rather regret filing a report with the FBI. I have a sneaking suspicion that my report is very related to the internet disruptions and password reset requests that day. So my professionals are getting used to having conversations with state and federal agencies... the local police can breathe a sigh of relief. The same people that want me to shut up know county and state officials pretty damn well. Extremely well. Unfortunately they can't control the medical board or federal officials... but I'm not law enforcement I'm just pissed off. So again, it's really a bad idea to know me unless I contact you. It attracts the wrong kind of attention. Let it alone. Don't worry about DSS. Worry about DEA and FBI instead. I'm trying to keep myself physically intact and mentally functional, help the local hospitals figure out how we got into this mess. Keep people safe. And maybe the federal government doesnt mind so much giving me some disability and some insurance, if it keeps me healthy and keeps some dirty doctors in line... maybe they come to appreciate that actually... but they probably prefer not to get contacted... so, speaking on behalf of the FBI, please don't contact me without permission. It's not a good idea. Thank you. Please don't threaten me. It's not a good idea. There are jails for some things.