I've had some weird ideas in my time. Some places, you end up there, there's not much to do. Let's take two different ones: McClean and MIP.
MIP has changed much over the years. The food is worse. The pool table is long gone. The fence is stronger. More cameras. Key cards, no more manual keys. Anyways... most of the staff I knew is retiring and the rest will move on to the new place when it gets finished.
I used to like to go for walks. I got so damn bored. I learned so many details. It freaks them out now. Funny it never did before, and I had plenty of opportunity. I guess my attachment to Elle really shook them. I used to be angry, but I kept it hidden. And that's more dangerous. Keeping secrets. Oh, I used to make plans. All sorts of plans. But I don't do that anymore. Because I get the right help.
Anyways, trust can be such a strange thing. It's a risk. It's always a risk.
Techs have less education and generally less experience. Maybe they don't understand warning signs.
There was this one time. And they should just be glad that I don't actually mean them harm. That I don't want anyone hurt.
She was young. It was night. Late evening. She either had courage or a lack of awareness. Or maybe I just have that demeanor. That makes people feel safe. She was about Elle's size. Maybe slightly above average height, somewhat slender and fairly lean. Bright. Chatty. Kind. My mind came up with a whole plan. And I had every opportunity. But I didn't want to hurt her.
But if I did... we was walking down the hall towards the cafeteria, around the corner towards the gym. The nearest staff was on the unit. Unarmed, with no one nearby. Definitely not as strong. But she was so kind. At one point she did become slightly aware, and she asked me what was going on with a slight hint of nervousness... completely unaware that she was operating within a complex plan that she had already fallen into and could have done little to stop.
McClean was a different animal. Built like a fortress. Like a prison. I hated that place. There were weaknesses in their little fort. And with so very little to do and such small spaces and so little actual therapy, one could get creative. The staff was awful enough that maybe I didn't feel the urge to be so nice. But they were very careful. Very fortified. But they couldn't think of everything.
So, I told MIP a story they didn't like so much. I tell people things that stress them out. McClean had those singles with the old bathtubs. Of course, they didn't let you fill them. Risk of drowning. So the drain was just a hole. You know what though? every day, multiple times a day you would get those little plastic pill cups that you threw away. Flexible but solid. I never tried it, but you put one in those drains, well then, that tub fills right up. And you could flood it. Sometimes, on rough nights I would think about those pill cups and those tubs. What exactly one would do with a flooded bathtub and a lot of anger. There wasn't much else to do. I never tried it. But I surely could have. I like people. I don't like to harm them.
Elle was so kind. She brightened my days. She inspired me. She worked hard. And I could read her. I could see when she was afraid or nervous. She didn't get angry much. One of my favorite memories is actually of a weekend at MIP. We had pizza and Elle and some of the other workers and patients organized some volleyball games. It was beautiful. Right there in that old gym. Good times.
I remember telling Leaves a story. See, I think of roles and boundaries too. So I made her like an honorary niece. Those were the boundaries I set. But I had some special rules. Maybe a little extreme. There's a bubble, and I am that bubble. And any harm that enters that bubble is returned tenfold. And I put her in that bubble. I kept her there as best I could. She's married with kids.
That Tech... I could have used my wrestling skills, I could have overpowered her and I doubt they would have heard her because she wasn't even paying attention, and we were far. But I was in uncle mode. And no one was going to harm her. No one was going to grab her from behind, take her swipe key, and drag her into a nearby room from where they could escape or hurt her or do just about anything with no one aware and no one able to hear and the key in hand. No one was going to do that. Because I did not want her harmed. She was safe with me. So, nothing ever happened. I just prefer to have my space, because I'm tired and a little jumpy. They need to stop being paranoid because i don't want to harm anyone I just want my space.
I guess the dx's don't matter so much. I'm just overcategorized.
I've been eating well. I simply can't spair a Gus too often. Lettuce not mince words. A pear rently, my best skill is being a patient. I've had a lot of malpractice.
