Hospital Staff

Everybody's got a voice right? Well, I heard a few voices in the hospital. Only these were real. From technicians to nurses to doctors to whatever their positions were. It wasn't just one or two. There was a clear message. One they wanted me to send.

That message was "fuck off".

They were quite passionate about this message. So I gotta pass it on. As a courtesy.

How do you know when you have a problem? When the hospital staff is literally instructing you on how to tell people in your life to fuck off. And I gotta respect that. Because people do get pissed off. They get pissed off when members of the community are having other members of the community moved from this center to that center to this hospital to that hospital and getting a new label every day. It does piss people off. Especially if those members of the community are trying to manage the medication of other members of the community, generate referrals out of thin air, contradict the orders of the hospital or the outpatient psychiatrist or the counselor or this person or that person. And if it keeps happening, there will be a hit list. Not mine. 

Why am I trying to walk this middle road? Because I think the centers are tired. 

Yeah people get tired. I'm trying to keep my head straight in all of this. I need fewer opinions. I need less attention. 

But no, I'm the name! You know the one. It's on the documents. I'm the yes sirs and thank yous and the pleases. That's who I am. The name. Maybe I'm the last to realize. 

And what's with all the moving standards? every day a new standard. And it's always with strings. More strings then you can count. Does the world have enough problems yet? It starts with the vague standards. Then as soon the work begins the standards change. No they'll never be met. Because they will always be different. Every second of every day.

And then it's the, but you're the mental health advocate! Or you're the mentally ill, or a drug addict! You got another new label for me? Do I need to save the world? Is it my job to go from center to center, preaching the word? But have hope! Tomorrow is a new Center! here's your commandments:

1. Thou shalt take thy medication

2. Thou shalt shut thy mouth and play along

3. Thou shalt fake being interested

4. Thou shalt maintain thy last name

5. Thou shalt remain guilty

6. Thou shalt run around

7. Thou shalt cast blame

Believe it or not, pissed off people, there's someone in your court. She's not very popular right now. But she's there. Go ahead and pass the blame along, people. You know who you are. let's all pass it around.

Does everyone have a voice? Yes. Has there been enough talking yet? I hope so. I don't like pissing people off. It's happened a time or two.

Where is the middle road in all this? Cause I'm walking a fine line here. Let's not zig zag too much.

Is any one of these people perfect? NO! Am I trying to tear people down? NO. I don't like doing that. But occasionally I have to call people out, as stubborn as they may be. 

Can we all shut up and go home yet?

I gotta let people have a voice. And those voices are getting loud. And those voices are not in my head. And I can't ignore them.

Do we have enough voices yet? Do we need a petition?

No, I don't own my home. I'm not proud of that. But where are we gonna send him next? Is there a center lining up for a fake referral? No? Then maybe there is no center for this. Maybe we can't find a hole shitty enough to bury this guy in? Call him what you like. There doesn't need to be a petition. Because some voices are real. And loud. and angry. Occasionally, I have to listen.

I don't like doing this. But some things you can't hide. Not even in shadows. 

Me trying to think straight

Well, heard back from the psychiatrist, steady as she goes there. Maintain strong boundaries, communicate with internist. I left a message with the internist. I don't know how someone could think so much and have trouble keeping thoughts together. But this isn't supposed to be a race. Seems that with my stress level going down, the physical and mental symptoms have improved. My energy is still very low. If the world can be patient, I can be patient. There's some past to get past. I did push too hard at the tax office. I get so excited about working and towards deadline time I was barely holding on. Yet that or mental illness seems to be all people know about me sometimes. I don't need people to know a lot. I don't see why I have to talk so much. I like keeping my peace. 

What with this weather I'm not excited about picking up the refill. I have the old ones. I think I may have to just use the smaller tablets, same dose. Same medicine. I so do not want to go back there. I'm not in love with this medication. You may think I am. I'm not. It's something I have to do.

The rain keeps me grounded. Sitting in the car listening to the rain. 

So now it seems to be down to the house and appointment. Always loved a good rainstorm. And seeing the stars. I could almost play that Calm music all day. I've listened to two actual songs since getting out. That frequency music just settles me right down. I'll find my sense of humor again one of these days. I haven't really laughed in the longest time. So disconnected from my emotions. 

I really don't know how much people actually care. All I know is I've gotten a lot of heat. There's always something. I used to take life less seriously. Now it seems to be bridging gaps. So many gaps and so many bridges to build. My throat feels better. Unless I talk too much. The magnet freaked me out because one time it seemed to cause a malfunction where I felt the wire in my shoulder heat up and I was in pain. But the nuerologist reprogrammed the device. But if I'm turning it off to talk all the time then it's not actually working as much. So I like to space out my talking. Voice wasn't incredibly strong to start with.

How one can be so tired? Tired of the get over it bullshit. Just let me be. You don't have to be involved. 

Mirage

 I am the mirage in your mind

Whatever you see in me is not really there

Whatever you hear is an illusion of your mind

If you need me, you have me in your mind

you can visit me there...

My body is not who I am

Nor is my mind.

Do not chase me in the desert

For you will die of thirst.

But I am there for you when you need me

I'm there in your mind's eye

If I am in your heart,

That is your choice

But do not chase me.

I am your hallucination

I am your imagination

Do not chase what is not real

For you will never catch it.

I am your mirage.

I am imperfect.

Let me fade.

©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

4/7/2025

I was a little restless last night. Took the hydrozine yesterday and that helped. Been thinking about the specific things I need to do.

1. update internist

2. get refill

3. House Prep

4. appointment

5. Get some more food basics

6. file tax extension

Still getting lost in my head and sensitive to noise. Applying maximum boundaries and prioritizing medical, keeping my head clear, and my eyes forward. If other people can just filter me out, that's what I need. I don't know what one reasonably accomplishes in one day, but I do not have the energy to deal with anyone for the foreseeable future. And the more you drag me in, the less I will be able to be in your life. If you don't want me to be a problem, stay away from me, filter me out, pretend you don't know me, for the love of God, ignore me as much as possible. This is exhausting. Do not make me be a problem.

Boundaries

I also want to reemphasize the importance of boundaries. You see something on this site that might hurt someone's feelings or cause harm, you don't need to share it with them. Whether that is your friend, a neighbor, a family member, this site is not intended for people to use it as a tool to cause harm. It is not an advisory site. It is not intended as a gossip column. Read it if it benefits you personally. If it helps you to deal with something, entertains you, benefits you in some way. Don't use it against anyone. Don't read it if it upsets you. Don't take it as life advice. If you are under the age of 18, consult an adult if you have concerns or are upset by the content. This site does not endorse drug use, unsafe sex, gambling, risk taking, or irresponsible behavior of any kind. If you or a loved one are in Crisis, please call the 988 hotline for mental health support, 911 for medical support. 

Checkers

The checkers are at it again. They check, recheck, cross check, check again, find this person to drag in or that person to manipulate, then they find something new to complain about. It changes by the hour, the complaints and the solutions and the people they try to manipulate or complain to. It's a regular newsflash around here. Every minute they find a problem to obsess about. Then it's check, recheck, cross check, find someone to drag in or demonize. It never ends. Each day it starts, and it goes from here to there and back again. Yep, here's something new. This is the wrong color. This doesn't taste quite right? Who is not good enough at this moment. Is it this person? that person? who can we blame now? How do we fix and control and arrange the world in this exact moment? Oh, let's blame this person. Let's fix this. Let's slam and run around and do all this ridiculousness and then talk about our greatness. Uh no! This person didn't use the right words! that person looked at me funny! Let's complain loudly in public. Let's have a group bitching. Yes, that feels good. All together now! Where do we run and control next? Aww... that person hurt my feelings because they didn't smile and say yes loud enough. This person didn't jump to the ready at the exact right moment! 

Every second of every day. Some people something or someone to manage. Something to fix. No they can't sit still. They gotta run around. Control the world. God forbid someone say no. God forbid people be honest. Nope, we'll keep asking different people until we get the answers we want. One person and one day at a time. Controlling the world. Making it just like us. Because that's the way it needs to be. Of course. Until the end of time. Because there is no God, we are God. And we know it. We have the letters after our names. And that is the holiest of holy. The ultimate high. Controlling the world, one other human at a time. Someday this human will get tired of this, so we'll find another to control. Until we've controlled so very many. 

Oh the glory that is us. Until our backs are turned and people speak the truth. But we'll ignore it. Because what we do. We make our lies and then reinforce them every day. Every moment. Until we are dead and in the ground. And then there will just be the name. Isn't it great? So pretty. Until it isn't, and then we gotta make it pretty or replace it with something else. Absolutely beautiful. And ugly as sin. But we'll keep lying to ourselves, day by day, finding something or someone new to use, because that's what we do. So beautifully ugly. 

Or maybe, just maybe, life really is ok. And at some point there's nothing left to fix. I dunno. One would think. But then, thinking is overrated, right? Unless I'm right, then it's great. Fantastic. Absolutely. 

Can only run so many people into the ground before they get really pissed off about it. But maybe you really are happy. Hard to say. But eventually the truth catches up. And you run out of strings. And then what's left? a name and a bunch of pissed off people. That's not what I want. But don't listen to me, throw me out, throw out my things, have me redoctored and reconfigured every few months. Great use of resources. Or maybe, just maybe, it's ok the way it is. Let's take a survey of the community here. Ignore the results. then pat ourselves on the backs and talk about how great we are.

THAT IS INSANITY. Give a a dx. Dress it up. Medicate it. Get it support groups. How many people can we asylum today? So hard to choose. There's so many that are not like us. We gotta find some place to put them. Nope, move that one here and this one there. Let's change the dx again. But I like this dx! It's pretty. I like giving it a name. AND AN ACRONYM! ACRYNYMS ARE COOL! Up, this one needs more management. This other one is falling short of perfect. Here's a new dx. No, let's try that one. Let's consult a specialist. Nope, I don't agree with that one. Let's go to this place I found online. It's in MA! no here's one in VA! Oh but what have they invented now? what are the side effects? 

Everyday just another med! YAY! Dosage #1? Dosage #2? Well we better call this doctor and complain.

Never ends. Never ends. It just starts all over again. Every day. Round and round and back again! Oh but we have letters! Let's all stand around and congratulate ourselves. Now let's go out to eat and do it and fuss and complain loudly and piss everyone off and pretend we don't notice. Or maybe we can shut up and mind our own business. No that would never work. Let's find something else to manipulate. Do you like Indian? Do you like Thai? Oh but I have to have middle eastern! You ever heard of food? you eat it. It's everywhere. Sometimes it doesn't even need a name. Just a thought.

Where the minding my own business in this, I do not know. But it's getting rather annoying. MAYBE SHIT IS OK THE WAY IT IS. MAYBE WE CAN ALL SHUT UP, DO WHAT WE NEED TO DO, and GO HOME. NO? Not yet. Find something else to fix. Find something to clean. Find something that is in some small way displeasing and rearrange it. Better yet, let's argue about how it needs to be and rope someone else into doing it and then complain about the work and then rethink it and find someone else to redo it. Every single day. again and again. Cuz we need our fancy things and our self-admiration and the recognition. No, we'll never stop. We'll just find something or someone else to fix. Because that's what we do. We don't mind our own business. EVEN IF PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING THE RIGHT WORDS DIRECTLY AT US. Nope. We'd never do that. We'll find something else to be upset about. Cuz we're so perfect. Nope, we won't listen. We'll just keep doing what we do. And then we'll have support groups so we can bitch about it. And we'll complain about the other people who don't measure up. That's what we do. Nope, can't be happy till we have all the money and the fame and the recognition in the entire planet. And then one day we'll be buried in a field under a tree with our names on everything. Cuz we're God, and we love being God. We'll lie to people and say we believe in God, and then turn around and proudly call ourselves atheists behind closed doors. Kiss the royal ring. talk about how shiny it is. It's so pretty. and everyone admires us. and we pissed off when they don't act like it, and say the right words. We're deaf until we choose to listen. Cuz we gotta run around!

You're sure this is sane? Cuz I've got a few dozen questions about this logic. But let's rope more people in and manipulate them into getting this treatment or that, this center or that center. Let's play musical solutions. One moment at a time. Tomorrow we'll pick this solution or that center. The next day, well, we'll find another. Run around town. Spreading our crazy. Cuz that's what we do. Find someone else to smile and agree and get us what we want. everyday.

MIP March 2025

    What did learn from MIP? I learned what to filter out. What limits to set. They didn't like that I was there. Again. But I thought of what key people have told me. The psychiatrists that follow me, the counselor that follows me, and the psychologist from the outpatient program. Avoiding making friends with dysfunctional people. Ignoring their games and their misguided comments. Filtering things out. Not being so focused on names. not playing different people against each other. sticking to basic truths.     I learned more about what things to ignore. When to say enough is enough. Shutting down gossip and not buying into beliefs that are not healthy. When I need to be clear. When I need to make threats. How to process and let go of what remains. 

    I was there for a week. I did a lot of thinking. There are people whose advice remains guiding principles. The rest, unfortunately, I have to let roll off. I've had a lot of mentors. I have gotten a lot of good advice. But I have to choose the advice that works for me. 

    I did very little talking. I was very careful about what I bought into. Hospitals and centers are full of influences and advice. Be careful what you buy into. Sometimes I have to heed my own counsel. playing musical advisors or musical influencers... yeah you can experience a lot. But it can lead you down dark paths. Slowly or all at once. Can't please everyone. I'm choosing my people carefully. I'm filtering some things out. I've had trouble trusting psychiatrists. Some of them can be slippery or cold. They don't know everything. I can't expect them to. Yet as much heat as I get for relying on them, as hard as I find it to communicate with them, I liked what that one and the outpatient one are doing. As far as coordination of care, I signed the necessary releases after they discharged me, and whether people like it or not, I'm keeping the same doctors and other medical staff. I can't play musical medical staff. But I'd rather not return to the Memorial medical campus anymore then I absolutely have to. I'm being more careful what I say. That's not paranoia. That's boundaries. I'd rather not involve more people in these hallucinations or PTSD or whatever any more than necessary. To me that's boundaries. Yes, I live by myself. Yes, I don't go out much. No, it still doesn't seem like a good idea to do so. No, I don't know when that will change. And there will always be people that resent me for being who I am. So stay out of my life. Don't get involved. If you know you don't like me, don't be around me. You have choices. You send me somewhere else, someone else will find something to dislike about that. I can't make my own referrals. If no one makes a referral to gateway, I can't go there. No one has. No one intends to. I don't see how it would help but it's not even up to me. I can't go there without a referral. No one is making that referral. Not MIP. Not Brownell. Not the counselor. No one. That is actually, outside of my control. When I have so much medical to focus on, and I'm trying to reintegrate, another center isn't gonna make a difference. If these professionals disagreed, they would have already made that referral. I'm not giving them instructions; they are making decisions. I'm not stubborn. I'm heeding professional advice. I can't tell them what referrals to make. Phoenix is a limited time program. It doesn't fix this. This truly is mental health. Let the professionals do their jobs, mind your own damn business. Stop being fake and controlling. Leave me alone. I don't need that many people in my life. Let me focus on the medical. I can't fake these results. It's not possible. You don't need to talk to me? You don't want to talk to me? Then don't. How much more needs to be said before people shut up and mind their own business? You don't want emergencies? you don't want stress? Just keep you mouths shut and your eyes on your business. I'm trying to do the same. No more advice. Let the professionals do their job. You're pissing them off. Not just me. Them too. MIP. Counselor. ER. No one is happy about this. Stop trying to control me and them. Let them do their jobs. As far as the house, it's completely unclear to me what exactly needs to be thrown away, but I'm cleaning it. But the until the internist says more about the blood pressure, I can only do so much driving and moving around. You're never gonna listen. I could put it in five languages, you'll still be pissed. You have some things to get over too. Mind your own business. You're gonna kill me this way. Running me here and there. Let the professionals do their job. I'll probably never know what makes you happy. I'm tired of trying. Stay out of my life unless you actually want to be in it. Whatever you think I am. Let that go. Whoever I am, take from that what is actually there, and stop trying to program me. One day you'll have to actually listen to something I say and really hear it, or stop listening and being around me entirely. In the meantime, let me mind my own business. 

Blood Pressure

 Well, it went back up again. 144/87. I'd better update the psychiatrist. Tomorrow it's the picking up of the meds, calling the internist, and visiting the house again. Y'all know who you are. Don't get too involved in this shit. You know my name. Use it if you need to. But this blood pressure thing has to have my attention right now. My foot is usually best in the middle of the day. So that's when I'll do my necessary driving. Medication refill. Go by the house. Counseling checks on me at 2. This is my life. now you all can see. This is it. day by day. Is it pretty? This is me trying to mind my own business. Not cause harm. This is it. You don't have to see me. You don't have to know me. You can mind your own business too. For me it has to revolve around doctors and symptoms. No Center or person with letters after their name can change that. I don't know how much you want me to do. But my body is only so strong. The medical tests can't be faked. I'm not that creative. Unless you want a medical following me around to keep the records, you may have to rely on the numbers in the charts and the numbers that I get. I'm not so creative that I can create patterns. I'm not interested in trying. I'd like to work out the problems I have and not endanger anyone. Pretend you don't know me if you don't like it. Just find me a little less interesting, if you could. You've got other things to talk about and to do. It's not like I said to myself, well maybe I'd like to be medically complex. I didn't come up with the term. They gave it to me. One of their brilliant ideas. I'm trying to pick up fewer ideas. Stick with the long lists on the charts. All the letters. I'm trying to let those letters stay on the charts. focus on reality. Right now that's the blood pressure. There's only so much more I want to know.