Disorders of the Mind

     On further reflection, the issues that pop up most frequently are Munchhousen's byproxy, DID, and mild autism spectrum. 

    The first because of the microanalysis of my faults, some controlling behavior, along with how publicized my health has always been. It's like my families are addicted to dissecting me. Can't leave well enough alone. Because I've spent so much time in hospitals. Because of the poor boundaries and high or moving standards. There's really so much detail to go behind this theory. That munchhousen's article lights up my brain like a fire. 

    The second because of the repeated tests of memory that come back with difficulties in recall, the testing in controlled settings, all the drugs, the docs and hospitals, the inconsistent realities, the patterns and changes in consciousness... it all adds up. 

    The third because it's been a part of the picture since the nineties and clearly explains sensory sensitivity (even the CAPD), the intelligence, and the findings from numerous professionals from springbrook to Boston to Riggs.

    But I think the missing piece is Munchhousen's byproxy (FDIA). It makes so much sense. 

Staff Meeting

    You know... I just realized I invited the wolves into the hen house. Well, I'll be interested to see what these hospitals think of thier handiwork. Y'all created me. You and Prichards. What do you think? I hear Shapiro was elected president of Riggs. I remember him. The Psychiatrist, started with an M? 

    I wonder if McLean still has clozaril man. He was on TV. Atlanta said no. Someone wasn't listening very well. Multistate clusterfuck. OK. Maybe clusterfuck is a strong word. Yeah? Yall remember discharging me that one time? I was in the er, same day? Fantastic work, fellas. I know Beth Israel Deaconess really appreciated bringing me out of that coma. Fucking clozaril. Shit'll kill you.

Lookit

    Until I get this sorted out, there's not much I CAN do. I hope to contribute more meaningfully when my head is straight. I can barely find anything because my mind goes different directions. I'M COMING BACK! My providers and I got frustrated. I like my home. I'd like to keep it. I need someone in my life. I'm getting too old for this. That said, I'd like to thank my team and my sister's family. Hopefully we can stay out of the blame game. The threats game. Beyond ridiculous to feel the need to pull in FBI and public health. I can be a really cool guy. Just too many directions. I'm consolidating. Time to make up for, black widows to flirt with.

The Whatever

     I've been very frustrated with the whatever. Some people call it memory problems. Some called it PTSD. Some called it DID. Some insist on Bipolar. Going in too many directions under the influence of too many medications and professionals was definitely part of the problem.

Oh crap...

    Oh crap... he's becoming aware... oh crap... he's not with the program. QUICK, MEDICATE! Shit, that didn't work! Moralize! Demonize! Activate the checkers! Go down the center list! Find another doctor! No that one quit... let's get creative... *sigh*

    Twisted humor aside, I need to continue to work on anger and increasing my functioning. Which means reconnecting memory and processing. So, everyone can expect to see very little of me for quite some time. 

Not sides...

    Then she says there's not sides... I got a half dozen hospitals and several dozen professionals in my head and she says there's not sides... $*%*

Work in Progress...

    I'd like to remind everyone that this site is a work in progress. I have a lot of work to do on clarifying and crystalizing the message. I have some content that needs to be properly cited. This takes time. I have a house to clean and various financial and other responsibilities. Sometimes I feel like all this education and hospital time should be worth more than a freaking website but hey you know we don't pick our poisons every time. 

Lost and Rigged

     I remember Lost and Rigged very fondly. I particularly liked the nurse manager and my psychologist. I've been all over the East Coast. It was expensive. But well done.

Invitations

    I invited staff and former staff of the following institutions to contact me, anonymously or otherwise, to share some feedback on this website, keeping in mind that this is an effort to improve health outcomes in Greenville County. You will not be named or referenced. 

    I welcome any information or input you may have on improving outcomes in Greenville County. Please email ashesndust@outlook.com.

Austen Riggs Center

McLean Hospital

MIP

Springbrook

SC Public Health

Gateway House

MUSC

    I would like to know what you think. I'm trying to slow down the content creation, sort better, improve quality, and remove some copyrighted material.

Judgement

 

   The people that I have known me and myself are biased in our opinions. So part of the purpose of this website is to promote writing, part is to promote mental health awareness and to encourage and entertain. The final purpose is to let the public be my judge and jury. 

    Between myself, my families, and Greenville Psychiatropy... Where lays the blame? Or is it just a bunch of pills, pain, and pointed fingers? Where is the danger? Was I so dangerous? So crazy? Some things are dangerous. Pills are one of them. They hate me for calling this out. But I think it's in the public interest. 2 comas. Multiple states. Lots of pills. Lots of pain. Lots of Bullshit. Where are the answers for this medicalization? They hate me for calling it out. They demonize me for doing so. So do something with this knowledge. In your own lives. 

Faith

 

    I do believe in God. I do believe in purity and virtue. I have been around some influences. And some people don't listen. So now I have to be a better example and not just a warning story. Before it's too late. But where does trust grow? The Trinity is different sides of the same God... Interestingly, DID has sides...

Change, Growth, Healing, Fixit

    Different mentalities exist in the world. Maybe I owe certain people certain things. But my life has been rather tortured and drugged. Once I'm dead hopefully people will whisper my truth far and wide. They'll DE medicate and repent their medical perfectionism. Because some people will never change. They need the money, they want the money. They don't know how to grow. 

    And then they suck me back in and I'm like them again and that's how they keep me there. Strength can look strange. Because it doesn't involve fixits or whateverisms. It does not involve looking the other way or saying it's not me. It does not involve staying silent. And that is what this website is for. To speak the truth I cannot speak in the company that I keep: Drugs and silence are dangerous in combination, people can be too. 

    So I'm warning everyone I can via this website: Certain people in South Carolina are dangerous. I've known quite a few. Use your own good judgment and caution. That is what I am able to do for now. Stay away from the silence and the drug trains. Stay away from medicalized perfection and false lives. I'll try to do the same. 

Medicine

 

There's a Doctor just behind me
Counting every breath I take
Announcing every fault that I've known
Making up his numerous tests
Silence now the path "must he?"
inventing anew his prodigal son.
Never will he see his errors

Not until it's won and done.
Why can't we not be over?
I just want to flee this Supernova
Why can't we end this bullshit
I just want to not pretend it
I am just a stubborn misfit
I am just a problem child
I will only immolate you
Trust the Doc and drug away
I will find a Center for you
I will commit and lock away
I will work to demonize you
Just enough to shut you up
Love me. Love me. Love me.
Psychiatrist, won't you freaking whisper
Something that makes a little sense?
Trust him. Trust him. Trust him.
They want, what they want.

What she wanted

I believe that what she wanted was to remove me from this place. Plant me somewhere new as someone new. But I have work to do. Some clean up. And no resources to move. Until they tell me the evidence is not there, that there are no other victims, and with no resources to make a change, both my morals and materials dictate that I stay here. I barely know what I would do somewhere else on my own. This is all I have known.

Last names

are who we were, not necessarily who we are. Life requires building onwards with the required window dressing built in to allow the old to fade and the new to rise.