Dear Joe

Dearest Joe,

    Oh, the thrill of the pursuit. Psychiatry has never looked so good. Do you power lift metaphorically? Exercising the brain is so rewarding. How are my friends? I'll have to visit again. You know how much I love family. Prismally speaking. You'll be happy to know that life on the outside has gotten quieter. 

    I'm walking the road less raveled. Sometimes it's a bit stringy. Sometimes threads lead in unpredictable directions. I hope the campus hasn't caught fire. You'll say hi to Jenn, I'm sure. The cat's doing well. 

    Say, you think you could hook me up with some maroons, for old time's sake? You never know when I might need to come pay my respects. I'll be in touch. Promises to keep, and meds to take before I sleep

    Warmly,

    Ashes

How Helping Works

    In the military, they like to say that a combat operation never goes exactly as planned. The same thing is true for everyday life. My life has not gone as planned. For damn sure. However, losing a battle does not mean losing the war. I certainly hope I don't have to start spreading rumors about dating my psychiatrist to get it into people's heads that spreading lies about professionals is not wise. I like different kinds of people. They can all contribute in slightly different ways. I've known all sorts of people. 

    I do have moral responsibilities. I'm trying to build something positive here, while preparing to return to doing some accounting. I feel a moral duty to warn people about forced medication, drug cocktails, overmedication, medicalized perfection, toxic gender stereotypes, toxic CBT, and abuse in Greenville County. You can question my methods. You can question the results. You can't question my mission. 

    Sometimes life involves different emotions. For the benefit of people with low emotional intelligence, I'm going to start writing about what I believe emotions teach us. We are emotional animals. it's hardwired in because emotions help us learn about the world. 

Verdict

 

    So, regardless of whether anyone ever knows the full truth or anything close to it, I think the amount of people impacted and the fact that the Governor's office spoke to Woodruff Road by itself says enough. Anyone with common sense can see that something dangerous happened. His actions do not define my life. I do. That medication does not define my life. I do. Bipolar does not define my life. I do. 

    My life is defined by a long history, that much is true. It is defined by growing up in the 80s, by being a loyal family member, friend, and member of the community. In surviving 2 comas, lots of drugs, lots of traumatic events, a lot of isolation and pain, and yet, stubbornly persisting, I did many things. I volunteered for 3.5 years with Safe Harbor, Crisisline, and Julie Valentines. I helped in the raising of nieces and nephews. I participated in multiple varsity sports. I learned a tremendous amount about mental illness. I got that BA in psych and the MS in Accounting. I certified in IT multiple times, passed the CPA, I worked in three different fields. I wrote poems and stories. I taught others. I traveled. I met many people. I lived independently. All that and more. And there are people who know my strength, my fortitude, my intelligence, my compassion, my humor, my resilience, my empathy. And regardless of what they say of me, I will die accomplished someday. 

R.I.P., that which was myself. May those struggles rest and never rise again. 

Autism Spectrum in the context of Trauma and Mild ADHD

    Autism Spectrum (AS) is a difference in neurological functioning not incredibly different from ADHD and related to Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD). Persons with mild AS have distinct differences in communication styles, great difficulty dealing with sensory stimulation, struggle with disruption to routine, and tend to high intelligence. Analytical thinking is strong and the ability for self-regulation and small talk is low. 

    These individuals do well in environments where coregulation is possible (emotional tuning of a group of individuals in concert). Self-play or solo work is common. High levels of analytical thinking result in increased ability in creative endeavors and academics (with proper support), particularly high mathematical aptitude. 

    Coregulation is one tool used in the therapies for AS. The leader is able to "dance a dance" with the other members, stepping in and out fluidly to provide hint and suggestion. Reassurances for moments of anxiety, calm for tension, energy for apathy, empathy for anger... a steady and continuous tempo that provides a consistent and reliable guide to allow the AS affected individual to manage sensory integration issues and maintain eye contact and consistency in the emotional connection that could otherwise be chaotic (including verbal or physical aggression in moments of confusion or tension) or absent almost entirely. 

    Whereas ADHD (which, like CAPD, has a fairly high rate of comorbidity) involves difficulty initiating and maintaining focus and often involves Mult focusing (multitasking), such as watching TV while performing cognitive tasks, AS is primarily a sensory integration issue. The sensory information is interpreted by the brain as chaotic and intense. 

    Persons with AS can be interpreted to have a childlike interpretation of the world, a decreased concern for money, a lack of understanding of other person's emotions (particularly in how they affect other people), and high emotional volatility. At times they can become nonverbal, and struggle to grasp the proper cadence of interaction, with poor management of boundaries and a lack of awareness or understanding, surprised by the emotional reactions of others. There is a disconnect that can appear cold when the person is overwhelmed or processing at a different rate than others. The lack of emotional attunement demands more time to respond to others, sometimes making interaction seem start and stop or cause a complete breakdown in communication. Persons with AS can play for hours or work for hours in isolation. "Own little world" is very characteristic, whereas ADHD, even inattentive, tends to manifest as more interactive and less disconnected. 

It's over

Well, if I can get past the idea of my family being addicted to fixing me, I can move on to other things, such as setting up that new website to manage my 1099 contracting. It's almost ready. Then I can tutor, account, and whatever through that website, including payment portal. It makes things simpler. I gotta work on that and finishing my content review. Clean house more. Assemble some furniture. 

Even a Shrink can see

 

One big happy prismaly

Together the rest of our lives

As far as our friends were concerned

Everything seemed right

 

But that's when they told me

They said me it was time to move on

Just tired of the hospitalizations

It told me the pills were gone

And now I want to believe

want to believe it's over

Suddenly it's plain to see

They're as tired as me and

Even a shrink can see

There's nothing left between us

I knew all along something was wrong

But I did my best to deny it

And now I can't go home

I want to be alone so

Tell all the ones who are missing me that I'm alright

Even a shrink can see

There were times I had nothing

And somehow, I laughed through it all

There are moments I'll never forget

And some I wouldn't care to recall

And still, I want to believe

I want to believe it's over

Suddenly it's plain to see

They don't need me

Even a ahrink can see

There's nothing left between us

I knew all along something was wrong

But I did my best to deny it

And now I can't go home

I want to be alone so

Tell anyone who misses me that I'm alright

Even a shrink can see

 

Nothing more to talk about

It's over when it's over

In the end you both stop trying

In the end it's oh so sad

And you are crying

 

And now I can't go home

I want to be alone so

Tell anyone who misses me that I'm alright

Even a shrink can see

Won't ya tell me that I'm alright

Even a fool like me

 

Woo ooo I'm alright

Even a shrink can see

Whoa ooo ooo ooo

FDIA

     I knew there was something I had to warn Greenville County about. And it matches the history and the records and even the gossip around town. And it starts with my families. Oh, it makes perfect sense. Fictitious Disorder Imposed on Another, formerly Munchhousen's Byproxy. Imaginary illnesses. That is the danger and the waste of public money. That's the source of the endless new hospital, new center, new doctor BS. And Bipolar was the perfect foil. Vague and completely internal and invisible. Whereas FDIA can be traced to records and facts. All these hospitals with their records. They just have to connect the dots. Like IMA did. Like Mindful Upstate did. Medicalized perfection linked to psychiatric illness. I found my answers. And it's all about control. Lack of boundaries. It even explains the DID and the memory issues. Greenville County has a lack of proper boundaries around medical care. And that was taught. It actually is a problem based in reality, not some bipolar/psychosis BS. And their own damn tests prove it. They have done so many. I do believe it.

Disorders of the Mind

     On further reflection, the issues that pop up most frequently are Munchhousen's byproxy, DID, and mild autism spectrum. 

    The first because of the microanalysis of my faults, some controlling behavior, along with how publicized my health has always been. It's like my families are addicted to dissecting me. Can't leave well enough alone. Because I've spent so much time in hospitals. Because of the poor boundaries and high or moving standards. There's really so much detail to go behind this theory. That munchhousen's article lights up my brain like a fire. 

    The second because of the repeated tests of memory that come back with difficulties in recall, the testing in controlled settings, all the drugs, the docs and hospitals, the inconsistent realities, the patterns and changes in consciousness... it all adds up. 

    The third because it's been a part of the picture since the nineties and clearly explains sensory sensitivity (even the CAPD), the intelligence, and the findings from numerous professionals from springbrook to Boston to Riggs.

    But I think the missing piece is Munchhousen's byproxy (FDIA). It makes so much sense. 

Staff Meeting

    You know... I just realized I invited the wolves into the hen house. Well, I'll be interested to see what these hospitals think of thier handiwork. Y'all created me. You and Prichards. What do you think? I hear Shapiro was elected president of Riggs. I remember him. The Psychiatrist, started with an M? 

    I wonder if McLean still has clozaril man. He was on TV. Atlanta said no. Someone wasn't listening very well. Multistate clusterfuck. OK. Maybe clusterfuck is a strong word. Yeah? Yall remember discharging me that one time? I was in the er, same day? Fantastic work, fellas. I know Beth Israel Deaconess really appreciated bringing me out of that coma. Fucking clozaril. Shit'll kill you.

Lookit

    Until I get this sorted out, there's not much I CAN do. I hope to contribute more meaningfully when my head is straight. I can barely find anything because my mind goes different directions. I'M COMING BACK! My providers and I got frustrated. I like my home. I'd like to keep it. I need someone in my life. I'm getting too old for this. That said, I'd like to thank my team and my sister's family. Hopefully we can stay out of the blame game. The threats game. Beyond ridiculous to feel the need to pull in FBI and public health. I can be a really cool guy. Just too many directions. I'm consolidating. Time to make up for, black widows to flirt with.

The Whatever

     I've been very frustrated with the whatever. Some people call it memory problems. Some called it PTSD. Some called it DID. Some insist on Bipolar. Going in too many directions under the influence of too many medications and professionals was definitely part of the problem.

Oh crap...

    Oh crap... he's becoming aware... oh crap... he's not with the program. QUICK, MEDICATE! Shit, that didn't work! Moralize! Demonize! Activate the checkers! Go down the center list! Find another doctor! No that one quit... let's get creative... *sigh*

    Twisted humor aside, I need to continue to work on anger and increasing my functioning. Which means reconnecting memory and processing. So, everyone can expect to see very little of me for quite some time. 

Not sides...

    Then she says there's not sides... I got a half dozen hospitals and several dozen professionals in my head and she says there's not sides... $*%*

Work in Progress...

    I'd like to remind everyone that this site is a work in progress. I have a lot of work to do on clarifying and crystalizing the message. I have some content that needs to be properly cited. This takes time. I have a house to clean and various financial and other responsibilities. Sometimes I feel like all this education and hospital time should be worth more than a freaking website but hey you know we don't pick our poisons every time. 

Lost and Rigged

     I remember Lost and Rigged very fondly. I particularly liked the nurse manager and my psychologist. I've been all over the East Coast. It was expensive. But well done.