I just hope...

that this struggle is over soon. That I can get to the living of life phase.

Leaves

    I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm getting ready for summer. I need to focus on real life. It just makes me angry. Because think about it. Whatever these professionals did or did not do, I did not write my own prescriptions, I did not indoctrinate myself. I was taught. I was armed with drugs. Then I bought a .38. Where is the responsibility? Where is the common sense? He didn't just endanger me or leaves, but EVERYONE AROUND ME. That's where I get particularly angry. What was he going to say if the gun went off? Oops? I didn't know? I'm sorry? What was he going to say? Those drugs are powerful. High doses, often outside of guidelines. Multiple drugs at a time. You can't predict the results. It's not possible. 

    But I'm keeping it down at about a 7. Sometimes I get to 5 or even 4. Maybe as low as 2. I don't think I've touched bottom at 0, but I'm getting closer. It seems like people are starting to understand. It's only been 5 years. I'm glad to feel more on the same page, though I don't understand Gullet. MIP went off in weird directions last time. 

    I'm just going to forget the 600-page hospitalization and focus on the results of the previous one and the work I have done in counseling. Try to manage my allergies better. They're going to work it all out. They didn't know in the 90s what they know now. That's why it's going to be ok, like they tell me it will be. Just a matter of time. I don't want to get distracted with more Bipolar bullshit, toxic cbt, toxic masculinity, or bad drugs. I want to be real, and down to earth. If I can focus, I have work to do. Everyone else will need their own trauma counselor. While I finish reconnecting. But I know what day it is every day now. I'm more aware of time. I'm becoming more grounded. The freeze states are less common, and the fight states are mellowing a bit. I need to refill the humidifier.

Sensations

   Head and face still hurt at times. Energy seems more stable but still low. I'm just glad I'm relating to people better now. A little less intense. Still convinced that clozapine, minipress, gabapentin, stimulants, mirapex... these drugs are dangerous. I was mislead. Especially about minipress. 

   I understand that people are just worried. But if the hospital feels the need to post security, that catches my attention. But the team doesn’t seem worried. The female ones. Not too worried. I do think those drugs did something to my mind. Evidence, they say. But I think that they're right. The records and experts know. It doesnt matter what I say. So thats a relief. Today I need to try to get more housework done. I've been distracted by the medical. But my mood is brighter. My women seem confident.

Summertime Sadness