Quiet

 People say I'm strange, I think life is strange. I do find it confusing why people are so interested in what I do. I used to just blend. People didn't notice me so they didn't say anything. Then I start talking and wham! Suddenly what I say and do is so important. It is definitely easier to nod and smile but its empty. It's easier to go with the program. But I don't see the point. Then it gets into damned if you do, damned if you don't.  Gotta be just right. I most definitely am not Robin Williams.  I was simply a fan. He made me smile. Yes, I believe in God. Buti don't like to litigate God. I don't like to argue about what the Bible says. I don't think God is meant to create conflict. God is meant for loving thy neighbor. Just doesnt seem as common as its made out to be. Then I find everyone wanting to convert me. I guess by wearing my emotions so openly I invite that. My anger invites it. I get overwhelmed by a lot of attention. But for so long I kept quiet. It's hard to stay quiet. 

Politics

I'm going to have to stop keeping track of politics. It's gotten too difficult. Well... maybe just pay a little less attention. Life is about more then arguing. 

AI on boundaries

Boundaries are limits that individuals set for themselves and communicate to others, defining acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships, work, and personal life. They are essential for maintaining mental health, fostering healthy relationships, and preserving personal well-being. 

Types of Boundaries:

Physical Boundaries: These relate to personal space, touch, and comfort levels. 

Emotional Boundaries: These involve respecting and managing one's own emotions and not taking on the responsibility for others' feelings. 

Intellectual Boundaries: These pertain to respecting individual thoughts, beliefs, and opinions. 

Financial Boundaries: These involve setting limits on how much time, money, or resources are allocated to others. 

Workplace Boundaries: These relate to respecting work hours, responsibilities, and expectations. 

Importance of Boundaries:

Mental Health:

Boundaries help individuals protect their time, energy, and emotional well-being. 

Healthy Relationships:

Boundaries clarify expectations, reduce conflict, and promote mutual respect. 

Personal Safety:

Boundaries help individuals feel secure and safe in their interactions with others. 

Autonomy and Self-Respect:

Boundaries enable individuals to maintain their independence and assert their needs. 

Clarity and Communication:

Boundaries provide clarity in interpersonal interactions and reduce misunderstandings. 

Setting Boundaries:

Self-Awareness:

Understanding personal needs, values, and limits is crucial for setting effective boundaries. 

Clear Communication:

Clearly expressing boundaries to others is essential for ensuring understanding and respect. 

Consistency:

Maintaining boundaries consistently, even when challenged, is important for establishing them effectively. 

Self-Care:

Practicing self-care and prioritizing personal needs helps individuals maintain their boundaries. 

Elle

 Dear Elle,

    I genuinely struggle with my mind going in too many directions at the same time. People will be talking, and multiple times in a sentence I'll lose track of what they are saying. That's what I liked about you. I liked not needing so many words. God, it can be beautiful to only need a very few words. 

    Pretending to care becomes such an albatross. You always seemed to genuinely care. I still like to listen sometimes. I don't like listening to the same things anymore. I'm tired of trying to understand certain things. I'm tired of caring about some things. I wonder what to say or do much more then I actually do anything or say anything. 

    It's not even a choosing your battles thing, it's feeling simultaneously torn and apathetic. Wanting to say or do multiple things at once but also not any of them. When I was medicated on the clozapine it was like playing a musical instrument. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but it flowed so smoothly. Now it's fits and starts, and I seem to have more deliberate effect. 

    Maybe you didn't understand as well as I thought you did. I may never know. You had the intuition, though. I know you were able to read me. I can't just turn my mind off and on. I can't reprogram it. I need more sleep. I feel so disconnected, but there's things I don't want to remember. 

    I'm walking around in a daze. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking about the same things. There's no reset switch. Trust is all mixed up in that I don't know what people want, if I can give it, or if I even want to. The edges are a little smoother, but I feel brittle. I don't expect to always feel in control, but now I wonder when it is that I am in control. But supposedly that's the whole point. A lack of agency. Separation of thoughts and memories and skills. 

    The brain is a muscle, and it needs training like any muscle. But there seems to be something tangible between myself and others. A barrier. I come out of conversations thinking of everything that wasn't said. but it seems as though sensation returns more and more. Just not sure what to do about it. Where to take it. I feel compelled to do many things but unable to do much at all. Then I find myself asking myself what normal looks like. How much of each action the average person does. As if I can follow a formula for each moment. Living life like a computer with punch card instructions. 

    Sometimes when I talk to people it's like talking in an echo chamber. Like I'm simply agreeing with myself. Other times, it's like no connection at all. Just white noise. Life can be strange. 

   The wierd thing is how people cant seem to make up thier minds, but the way i see it, if my dx is bipolar then they want me to advocate but if its did they don't want me to advocate. Funny how that works. As if a dx code changes my life so dramatically. 

Ashes