Note to Reeders

Spidey a liddle tired. Feeling calmer doh. Ebbyday a gnew day! Wemember be careful about di adult parts. Spidey not so bad. Di cat will be out to play. 

🕸️

Sigo viva

Casi muero. Tres veces. Tengo 43 años y vivo en Mauldin, Carolina del Sur. Estoy bajo la amenaza constante de desalojo. Soy discapacitado. Me esforcé demasiado. Estoy cansado. Estudié y trabajé en tres campos diferentes: contabilidad/impuestos, tecnología de la información y psicología. Estoy empezando a odiar a mi familia. Tengo una enfermedad compleja. Mi historial médico es interminable. Necesito bajar el ritmo.

Hijo, dijo, ¿tengo una pequeña historia para ti?

Lo que creías que era tu papá no era más que un...

Mientras estabas solo en casa a los trece años,

tu verdadero papá se estaba muriendo, siento que no lo hayas visto,

pero me alegra que hayamos hablado...

Oh, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye... oh...

Oh, camina lentamente, cruza la habitación de un joven.

Dijo que estoy lista... para ti.

No recuerdo nada hasta el día de hoy.

Excepto la mirada, la mirada...

Oh, ya sabes dónde, ahora no puedo ver, solo miro fijamente...

Yo, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, pero, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, chico, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, yo, sigo viva, sí.

Ooh, sí... sí, sí. Sí... oh... oh...

¿Pasa algo?, dijo ella.

Pues claro que sí.

Sigues viva, dijo ella.

Ah, ¿y merezco estarlo?

¿Es esa la pregunta?

Y si es así... si es así... ¿quién responde... quién responde...?

Yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, oh, sigo viva.

Oye, yo, pero, sigo viva.

Sí, yo, ooh, sigo viva.

Sí, sí, sí, sí, sí, sí.

Sponsors

DID would like to thank the following Sponsors:

SC DHEC

SocSecAdmin

DeptSS

THE MEDICAL BOARD OF SC

SC GOV OFFICE

AUSTEN RIGGS CENTER

MCLEAN HOSPITAL

MIP Hospital

SPRINGBROOK Hospital

CCBH Hospital

MEMORIAL Hospital

BETH ISRAEL DEACONESS Hospital

CRISISLINE

SAFEHARBOR

JV

LITHIUM

CLOZAPINE

SEROQUEL

DEPAKOTE

GABAPENTIN

RITALIN

ADDERALL

PRAZOSIN

PROPRANOLOL

ABILIFY

FANAPT

LATUDA

....

Electro Convulsive Therapy

rTMS

VNS

....

Please do not try this at home.

It will kill you eventually.

All in the family. 

This is what happened. And now they know. Everyone knows.

DID... everything to everyone... the tax clients, the family, the hospitals, the crisisline, the safeharbor, multiple schools, multiple fields, IT, psych, it was hell.

I can't be DID... I can't be everything to everyone. I quit. I resign my last name.

familia

 El DID no existe...

Yo no existo...

No te importa este sitio web...

Quieres quedarte en casa y ocuparte de tus asuntos...

No quieres llamar...

No quieres enviar mensajes...

No quieres que nadie más lo haga para informar...

No quieres visitar...

Quieres ocuparte de tus asuntos...

famille

 DID n'existe pas...

Je n'existe pas...

Vous n'êtes pas intéressé par ce site...

Vous voulez rester à la maison et vous occuper de vos affaires...

Tu ne veux pas appeler...

Vous ne voulez pas envoyer de messages...

Vous ne voulez pas que quelqu'un d'autre le fasse à votre place...

Tu ne veux pas visiter...

Vous voulez vous occuper de vos affaires...

Famiglia

 Il DID non esiste...

Io non esisto...

Non ti interessa questo sito web...

Vuoi stare a casa e farti gli affari tuoi...

Non vuoi chiamare...

Non vuoi mandare messaggi...

Non vuoi che qualcun altro lo faccia per riferirti...

Non vuoi visitare...

Vuoi farti gli affari tuoi...

Family

DID does not exist...

I do not exist...

You do not care about this website...

You want to stay home and mind your own business...

You do not want to call...

You do not want to text...

You do not want to have someone else do so to report back...

You do not want to visit...

You want to mind your own business...

SWAT

 It starts with a memory...

Just a whisper of a yesterday...

Do you see me seeing?

Do you see my dreams?

Do you want to remember?

What can I forget?

And from there it builds... the scripts don't fix this... the scripts they created this...

They build it up... the mind takes it from there...

And suddenly the world is different.

I've never seen SWAT in action. Never had the desire. But i have a vivid imagination. And this morning, in the darkness they came... Through the silence I could hear sirens everywhere... men, in cars unmarked, marked, coming from everywhere with their guns and their badges, their body armor and their grim faces... 

And then it was gone. washed away... washed away by the talkers... 

2 to 7 to 5 to 3 to 4 to 3 to 6...

And then I wash away.

SARA

Sara, vive da sola

 

Studia, e poi lavora

Sara, non ha paura

Sara è già più grande della sua età

Sarà, fuori è felice

Dentro, a volte è triste

Sara, la vita è strana

Sara come sei sei solo tu...

 

Oh Sara

Che cammini sotto il sole

Hai deciso di partire

Per cercare un'altra vita

Da seguire

Oh Sara

Che cammini verso il sole

Contro gli altri contro tutti

Tu vuoi vivere ogni istante

Della vita...

 

Sara, si sente sola

Sara ora è lontana

Chiama, due volte al mese

Dice che per ora lei non tornerà

Sara, ha un grande sogno

Vuole, cambiare il mondo

Sara, è un nuovo giorno

Sara come sei sei solo tu...

 

Oh Sara

Che cammini sotto il sole

Hai deciso di partire

Per cercare un'altra vita

Da seguire

Oh Sara

Che cammini verso il sole

Contro gli altri contro tutti

Tu vuoi vivere ogni istante

Della vita...

 

Tu, lo, sai, che, sei

Nelle mani tue...

Tu, lo, sai, che, sei

Nelle mani tue...

 

Oh Sara

Che cammini sotto il sole

Hai deciso di partire

Per cercare un'altra vita...

(Da seguire)...

Oh Sara

Che cammini verso il sole

Contro gli altri contro tutti

Tu vuoi vivere ogni istante

Della vita

 

Oh Sara

Che cammini sotto il sole

Hai deciso di partire

Per cercare un'altra vita

Da seguire

Oh Sara

Che cammini verso il sole

Contro gli altri contro tutti

Tu vuoi vivere ogni istante

Della vita... Sara...

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

So, if anyone has any questions about how to treat my professionals with respect, I refer you to your ethics requirements from your licensures, South Carolina State Law, Federal Law (including but not limited to HIPPA), SCDHEC, DSS, THE MEDICAL BOARD OF THE STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA, OR IF NECCESSARY TO THE POLICE OR A COURT OF LAW. 

You don't want to follow the law? Try me.

ANY QUESTIONS? ANYONE? ANYONE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, PLEASE?

NO? SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAPS.

Pride

Oh, the Internist is gonna be so proud. I love to make my doctors PROUD. 

Now it's brain fog. But hey, lost a lot of weight and stopped ADHD medication. Plus flashbacks of hospitals and of multiple near death experiences. My brain is tired. 

So it's more of the same. Rest, mild exercise, nutrition, electrolyte water, calm app. 

Do I revel in being miserable? Not quite. Seriously, you try stopping Clozaril after 21 years and see what happens. You stop retaining water, you stop wanting to eat, headaches, flashbacks, moodswings, BP changes, heart rate drops, even your body temperature is different. Slightly lower. Fatigue, nausea, tingling, twitches, tinnitus... feeling narcoleptic because you don't sleep deeply. 

But seriously, if that stuff was helping, how did I manage to OD on three bottles of scripts while on a therapeutic dose? Anyone? Anyone at all?

It wasn't helping. So now the chemically suppressed memories and emotions come out and the body struggles to keep the mind together. I have to keep the body alive while the mind heals.

The Rose

Some say love, it is a river

That drowns the tender reed

Some say love, it is a razor

That leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger

An endless aching need

I say love, it is a flower

And you, its only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking

That never learns to dance

It's the dream afraid of waking

That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taking

Who cannot seem to give

And the soul, afraid of dying

That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely

And the road has been too long

And you think that love is only

For the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snows

Lies the seed that with the sun's love

In the spring becomes the rose

Mind Your Own Business Series 4/21 p2

Anyways. So, meds are not the ultimate solution

Diagnoses are not the ultimate solution.

Genetics and chemicals? Well, I'm gonna go back to the nature vs nuture.

All of these disorders? Well people like to look for answers or find causes or demons.

Some people jump to look at their genes... others find a chemical or food or an environmental factor such as electronic devices or the weather...

History plays a role, in combination with the rest. I do not doubt that any of the disorders are not "real". They are complex. Autism, ADHD, Depression of whatever type, and Dissociation.

The thing I noticed about Covid was how psychological it became. People did die. I tested positive at one point. For me it was like a mild flu. But I saw people thinking they had it when they didn't, time after time. The thing that lasted was that autism spectrum seemed to become more widely known. I had to think about that. 

ADHD... I've seen so often, parents of kids with ADHD, they get focused on the diagnosis whether they medicate or not, and it becomes an animal of its own. When there's so much to the relationship and the person. And then people don't see the social factors that are playing into the diagnosis. They don't see the nurture side of the causes and what drives it. The medications that are used most commonly? Methamphetamines, a close cousin of amphetamines. One of the earliest uses of amphetamines? Hitler gave his soldiers amphetamines at the outset of world war II to make them stronger and more energetic/fanatical. The result? Some of the worst atrocities mankind has ever known. These drugs, they crystalize the thought... but there are environmental factors. Eating a healthy diet. Getting enough sleep. Positive emotional relationships. The absence of head trauma, both physical and psychological. You have two kids and one has an LD? Maybe it's not the kid. Maybe it's not pure genetics. Maybe it's more complicated then that. Maybe, just maybe, you had a genetic predisposition, and the social and environmental factors did the rest. There will always be the weak and the strong. Both mentally and physically. Head trauma can cause all sorts of LDs. Head trauma isn't just physical trauma. It's psychological trauma. Accidents. Abuse. Neglect. Not that anyone needs to beat themselves up. It just means that it's not random, it's not just genes, and it's not just drugs.

Mind Your Own Business Series 4/21

So, I've been thinking more about boundaries and minding one's own business.

I used to not have the slightest understanding of boundaries. I applied rules. Simplistic ones. Then I came off Clozaril and my feelings opened up. Man. Coming off Minipress was an extremely frightening experience. Shit got epically real in all the wrong ways. Do not ever take that red pill. Don't do it. I'm telling you. Those things are highly dangerous. 

Coming off Clozaril was much different. It was like leaving the matrix and seeing reality for the first time. Both the internal reality and the external. Oh, Prichards was angry. He was no longer God. He was also afraid. He was afraid for the world to see what he had created. And then everyone was afraid. I didn't like what I saw in many cases. People didn't like that I could see.

I could see the fakeness. I could see the façades. I could see the corruption. I could see the dirt, and the ugliness. Oh they came up with all sorts of names. They brought out the big guns to shut me up and medicate me back. Oh, they pulled out every tool. So yeah, I got angry. It's not something you can forget. It's not something you should forget. It was a lesson.

Yeah, I got a lot of heat. I had been the good little soldier, taking my drugs and staying in line. Thing is, those same drugs that were my "salvation"... Clozaril "my" medication. My "gold standard". My angel in the form of a pill. The second coma? The one I went into the day that McClean released me? The one that should have killed me if the first one didn't? Well guess which med I was on at the time? The one that was supposed to save me. I was on Clozaril when I went into a coma. Well ain't that freaking beautiful. Genius. It did a damn good job. They barely brought me back. Barely. Damn good job. Let's take more and have coma #3, why don't we?

The time I had dialysis? I was on gold standard #2. Lithium. Damn good job lithium. Sure did work. Just brilliant.

Coma #1? CDC phone call? Delirious and trying to rip wires off my body with 3-4 people holding me down? That was Depakote. Good job meds. Good job.

Thank the Shrink, I am saved. I'll thank the ICU and ER staff instead. The shrink can go screw himself.

Community Message

Cross your fingers folks. I told my family how the community feels. They stopped talking for once. Maybe they actually heard you this time. Doctors, nurses, techs, hold your breath.

Maybe my family will go easy. I told them what you said. All the pissed off parts, pretty much.