The First Time

She was magnificent. I rode her like a stallion. Oh, the creases, the curves! The way the sheets felt right out of the supply room! The long metal legs! I - damn there goes the BP monitor again... I'm waking up... 

BOLTING UPRIGHT. 3-4 PEOPLE HOLDING ME DOWN... RIPPING WIRES OFF OF AND OUT OF MY BODY... THE MONITORS GOING CRAZY...

oh yes, my love, that Hypoallergenic pillowcase looks good on you... where was I? Drifting back into my coma, I think... oh don't worry about the medical staff... they've seen delirium before...

Hospital Staff & Relationships

 When you have health problems, relationships can become a challenge. 

    Perhaps the staff at Memorial has misunderstood. Desperation is a dangerous ingredient to the mind. You've known me, for better or for worse, for decades. You brought me out of a coma. You kept me alive. It's the workers on the ground that I appreciate the most. The low-level ones. I did not come there to learn names. I know you well enough. That's the whole damn point. 

    Someone keeps you alive, you tend to remember. It's been a long time since that first coma. 17 years old. 26 years ago. You knew me even before then. Some of you have been there the whole time and are getting ready to retire. So I wrote you the poem. Safe Harbor

Anyways, I mis-learned a bit. That's why I don't want the pills anymore. Just the bare minimum.

Family doesn't like to remember these things. Big surprise.

    But hospitals built me up. Not just one of you.

    I just have an issue with misprescribing dinosauric diagnosis addicted docs who lack proper independence.

Notes to Selves

2 Do not return to MIP

3 Do not file reports before checking with Team

2 Do not talk to family

5 Do not think about law

5 Do not speak to or contemplate MIP

7 do not contemplate prescription medications

6 Stay home

5 Do not contemplate the general community

4 Dot not misplace anger

4 be careful with the sense of humor

1 Keep noise down

5 Do not get creative with dealing with the past

4 Do not try to help people atm

5 do not worry if internet connection comes in and out

5 if password reset links randomly show up, contemplate the positives and negatives of filing reports or saying weird things.

4 Mind my own business

    That said, a thank you to my team for listening. I'll be quiet now. This is waaaaay too much like "The Departed"... from numb to very aware. No longer care. Not my business. I am not a federal agent. I am not undercover. I am minding my own business. Now I'm retired from medicine AND law enforcement. What else can I retire from?

    I'd like to remind everyone to be aware that my hearing is excellent. Maybe Going deaf is a good idea...

    This was so much more interesting at a theoretical level. I'm going to think about my life choices, take some vacation.

    A note to charities: Please don't call. I don't actually have any money. I appreciate what you do, really, but I am literally broke and I'd rather spend the money tipping the delivery guy.

7:2

Oceans apart, day after day

And I slowly go insane

I hear your voice on the line

But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never

But how can we say forever?

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted all the times

That I thought would last somehow

I hear the laughter, I taste the tears

But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it, baby?

You've got me going crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive

This romance

But in the end, if I'm with you

I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it, baby?

You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

My Dream

    So all this talkin bout dreams... I've lived here a long time. I had hoped to do something for the city... maybe use my words... it's a beautiful city... so many different people... if I can remember enough... maybe write a little... help people know this city... it's more a matter of recall. 

    The memories are there, the psychologist at Clarity said. She said i can't access them, they are blocked.  I can't see the big picture. If I can piece it together, maybe the city can see what I see... so, I guess that's the thing I feel i can't give up. My personal resentments are a smaller thing. My concerns about prescriptions... somewhere in-between. 

    So maybe I can put a few rocks down, grab that chisel... hopefully, give people a good idea. Just don't ask me for names. People gotta live here.

Elle + Leaves

My friends,

    You got me to here. I want you to know that you are safe. There is no danger. I made it this far. 

    Do not worry. Molly has me with Coffee Pudding now. They are going to help me. I need to resolve this issue with the old guard. Please be patient. And do not worry. I believe Malacheck's death is suspicious. I'm very concerned about the medical decisions that were made. Some of the medications prescribed. I want our home to be safe. For everyone. 

    It will be ok. I hope I can trust my community to let me understand what happened. Why Malacheck is dead. What these medications did to my mind. Are they safe to be used this way. I was a minor. Decisions were made without independence. I want to understand. I want everyone to be safe. I need you to trust me. You know me. You know I don't want you harmed. That is not who I am.

Ashes and dust

Break in

There may be a few more reasons the hospital gets frustrated. 

I had been there so much. I knew every square inch. That's not good. 

Then. The strange behavior...

The child eats, sits, sleeps.

The communicator talks too much. Tries to make friends. It was her idea. Blame #2. It wasn't me. 

The gatekeeper is cryptic. Sorry, guys, this person is closed. Move Along Please. 

The helper tries to help everyone Well, you know at crisis line we did this and that or have you heard of this resource here? Well, maybe quetiapine isn't right for you?

The solver is thinking... You know, maybe they'll give me another Bipolar again. Man, Another diploma. F'hD. I passed Cyclothymic. I reached both I and II. Or maybe a GAD again? That worries me. 

The continuing is on vacation on the outside. Sorry guys. Need some sun. Got some cooking to do. Love to Chat, On the flip side.

The Protector is acting like security. Uh, Hey fellas we shouldn't be saying that to so and so. Not Cool.

The Unitary is on vacation on the outside (whistling)

    They have predictable patterns. I do too. They want me to learn to "advocate". Help myself. Because these functions happen in different pockets of memory in the brain. I've had so much mental manipulation and medication that my memory is divided. When I am in the world, every moment is happening to 8 different pockets. So... Let's say I process about 1/8 or 12.5% as fast as other people. From a ten day of hospital time being charted at 4.5 PPH I can remember the same 12.5% of what happened at any given time. Well, if only two of me were there then technically 6 of me can remember 16.67% of what happened separately and have to confer with both the two playing hooky until the 8 of me agree on what happened.

    So, the 8 of me have to chat for a while, figure out what we can do better, consult with the PA and the Counselor, who probably got the same 600 pages of reading material. Then hopefully the Cooperation for the Improvement of Me can develop another battle plan. In case #2 talks our way in again. She's persuasive it seems. Anyways, we need some time to think. Why did I let her talk them into this? Number 7, I'm disappointed in you. I trusted you with her. You let her talk her way into MIP again? REALLY? Dude. Not cool. Man, we need to see other people. C'mon. Dude, you could have... I dunno... The labs did come back abnormal at the ER... But the aceto level was low, CO2 low... Maybe those baby aspirin the internist stopped. White blood cells were off. Something was going on. So now we got tylenol instead. careful with anti-inflammatory drugs. So, I guess we need more neural connections between the pockets of memory. 

    So, I gotta talk to myself more, until I can remember what I did more clearly. Cuz it's kinda embarrassing. I'm a little worried I may have done something we would regret. You know, like contact someone we cared about. Or say something strange. Or, you know, Say we were thinking of harming someone out of fear. Or, you know, something we did one of the other dozen or so times we were there. It's not clear why we don't talk more. But I hope it gets clearer soon. Because I'm frustrated. I'd like to be more active. I'm trying to be patient. Some activities are a little blocked. 

    I have 8 names. They have natural forms and names and numbers. Like computer Avatars. There was a 9th. The total number is not certain. So the response can vary based on who I am. I worry about the future. I worry because I'm not sure many there are. But there seems to be at least 8 now. So I need to focus on transferring memory and internal communication and getting myself to flow together. 

The Reason Why

    So, I was thinking. As usual. And I figured out the reason why the hospital staff alternated from confused to amused to frustrated.

I generated 600 pages from one ten-day hospitalization. Let me unpack...

600 pages / 10 days = 60 pages of charting/day

60/ 24 = 2.5 PPH (pages pages per hour)

No wonder they were annoyed. 

    But i got souvenirs. They were so kind as to mail my counselor a 600-page book of charting to review. She's still working on it. I wonder what I was like? She says it's mostly consistent with what she was told. She and my coffee must be good friends. Coffee is kinda hot. Of course I tell them everything, so they must be meant to be together. I hope they keep in touch. 

Safety/Threats

I thought I would explain threats of Harm in relation to Dissociation. 

When someone with a dissociative disorder feels overstimulated or high adrenaline, they feel unsafe. For me, I activate the kill switch. I tell someone that seems safe. A professional. No one is in any danger.

Dissociation is much like sleepwalking. Acting on past memories. It's not the same as psychosis, but it looks similar. 

I figured out why I said I was thinking of harming my counselor. The same reason I told that employee at MIP i was thinking of harming her all those years ago. Activating the kill switch. The hospital had a half dozen security there. They gave me a shot of antipsychotics, moved me to IMU. Later, I felt safe again, and i was around her again. She was never in danger. I don't remember her name.

But there is a law requiring notification of the person threatened. I knew that. I just wanted my counselor to know I was feeling unsafe. I felt like they were not letting me talk to her. So, I said i was thinking of hurting her. I had done that before. Maybe they contacted her. Maybe she explained. Maybe not. They don't tell me everything. Observing someone over time, you can learn their patterns, even without Dissociation. They are highly alert, just not present or aware.

Some of my talkers have been white, some black, some Hispanic, some Asian. Women or soft-spoken men mostly. I like diversity. My current talkers (including their teams) are rather diverse. 

Dissociation happens every day, all around the world. People that have PTSD, DID, Borderline... no diagnosis at all... call it living in the past, call it sleepwalking, dementia, whatever you call it... medication is not great for it. Grounding. The right sensory input. Sometimes you need someone different to do it.

Someone with DID is sleepwalking in a major way. Living in the past. Repeating patterns. I think that Gabapentin makes this worse. Benzos can too. Minipress. Red pill. Minipress can bring you down, but if you're on a large dose, and you come off, then you're walking around looking for what you were doing before. Like with Leaves of September. I was looking for a while. I came off Minipress and I was looking for a while. I bought that gun because I was afraid. I didn't want to be lost forever. I wanted to keep me here. Adrenaline. Dissociation. Patterns. I don't know if the Matrix was referring to Minipress and Propranolol, but one is red and the other is blue. It can be alarming if you don't know what you're looking at. Being calm is the best strategy. Making threats raises adrenaline. Yelling raises adrenaline. There was talk during covid of safe zones. Same concept. People become alarmed, they act on the past. Sometimes there is no danger. People become afraid of Protectors, but that's not really how it works. See, a protector can protect anyone, or even groups of people. It's a safety function. People with conflicting patterns can be dangerous together. Other times people with similar patterns are dangerous together. That's why we talk about systems. Whether internal or external, parts have to flow together. Sometimes, someone with DID can be around others without it, and those others can get the idea that they have DID. Transference. See, trauma counselors understand this stuff. Austen Riggs understands this stuff. Observing patterns, suggestion, managing projection. Using sensory and intellectual tools. DID can be complex, and the antidote is simplicity. Grounding. Calm. Taking breaks. changing mindsets. Some people call it switching. Taking turns. It can happen internally or externally. 

Roscasch

 I can never forget the Roscasch Test at MIP. I remember the inkblot that sometimes could be a butterfly. I said I saw "male sexual organs". The Test result came back as "internalized anger". 

See that's where I get frustrated. If you're saying a teenager has internalized anger and they mention sexual organs, you should be flagging that person for abuse, teaching them boundaries, and not diagnosing bipolar or psychosis and chemicalizing them. That simply submerges the issue and then they go out into the world with poor boundaries, and they get in trouble.

I'd really like mental hospitals to be more careful with medication and apply better boundaries with patients, especially young adults. Bipolar doesn't come out of thin air. The symptoms are learned. The behaviors are learned. You can't medicate that away. Putting people on antipsychotics for every little thing is the Psychiatrist's insanity. They see what they want to see in what a patient says. They project their DSM. And then they release chemically numbed patients on society to wreak havoc. Doing that with adults is one thing. Doing that with anyone under the age of 20 is very stupid. Creating mindless zombies with submerged issues is dangerous. Clozaril was taken off the market, put back on. I'd like to see it permanently removed. It will destroy your body if it does not destroy your mind. Permanent disability. Neverending burden on society. That's if the Agranulocytosis doesn't kill you first, then you worry about all the other bodily systems, the submerged issues, etc. These people may not kill themselves. They may still overdose on three medications picked up from CVS within hours of being released, however. So, if you don't kill the patient while they are still in the hospital, they may be dead within days, they may survive years, but even if they do, they will be permanently disabled and a burden on society. That medication makes zero sense. ZERO. At least Seroquel simply numbs you out. Not quite as dangerous. And the ER and ICU staff tends to resent caring for OD'd patients from local mental hospitals. I don't blame them. 

Springbrook

 I was thinking about Springbrook. There were problems. 

The nursing staff was incredibly gossipy and HIPPA was violated every single day. It was revolting. Something is interesting. Something's hearing is too good. But they need something to talk about, I guess. Awareness is helpful. But mindless gossip teaches the wrong things. It actually encourages Mindlessness. If you don't know what you're talking about, don't talk about someone in the building. You teach the wrong things. 

The male attending psychiatrist needs sensitivity training. It's disgusting to see a man standing his workplace, literally in the middle of a public patient area, unloading about one of his patients to a staff member. Absolutely appalling. It's appalling when you lie to patient's face. Claiming to know a family member that you simply do not know is just stupid. Not helpful. And unethical. Attendings get desensitized. They say weird things. One blonde resident they used simply to pass on lies. It wasn't helpful. Using a resident because she is attractive is not helpful. It sends the wrong messages. And it was sad to see her get used like that.  Another two were very insightful, but one allowed a gabapentin prescription that decreased awareness in the subject and disinhibited behavior. It was not continued. Gabapentin is dangerous. The other got pulled into manipulations from different persons. She must be tired. The male resident was too smart to be pulled into the bullshit. He let the blonde be used. It was sad. Doctors should not be used based on appearance. 

The head social worker made an incredibly inappropriate speech. It was disgusting. Going on and on about her qualifications and being an LPC and this is how you do this and that... Way beyond her qualification level for teaching a large group of patients. Dangerous to try to teach so much personal information to a group of people. Not relevant to the situation at hand. LPCs are not meant to try to have a group counseling session in a hospital setting. She may have had Knowitall Personality Disorder. But she doesn't normally do groups. She shouldn't try. She tried teaching a lot of nonsense, a handful of realistic skills mixed in. But then patients will remember which parts? Dangerous to go freestyle in a group setting. 

What I do appreciate is that the nutritional options actually seemed better then MIP. Less education but better options. Also, the staff was observant when I was placed on gabapentin, which can actually be worse than benzodiazepines because it disinhibits and can increase dissociation. When someone with a trauma disorder is placed on gabapentin, it can change behavior dramatically. It decreases awareness dramatically. It is not safe for Dissociative disorders. Not safe at all. If Dissociative disorders have a cause other than real life trauma, I think medications like minipress and gabapentin would be it. Dangerous stuff. I was on a very high dose of both at different times. Now I have DID. Gabapentin is one of the worst. All sorts of psychological issues and phantom physical symptoms. It's guide lined for nerve pain and seizures but was used improperly for bipolar and is sometimes used for anxiety (GAD). Very dangerous. GABA supplements are available over the counter. They affect the same system. I try to take them only at night for sleep. Not during the day when my mind is active and my body too. They help with stress and pain but disinhibit behavior, cause drowsiness, decrease awareness. Best for when you're sleeping. Melatonin helps with that too. Inositol (B8). Natural, non-chemically modified.

Arson

Arson is the only attending I still know. Arson doesn't like Ashes and Dust very much. It reminds him of the failures of himself and his colleagues. The Medication Mania and Medicalized Depression they created. Then the staff is constantly having to sweep me up off the floor. He finds Rain depressing, then he develops Seasonal Affective Disorder. He's rather paranoid of Shadows. Afraid of Spiders. Unaware of Bob. Gets control issues with Gatekeepers. OCD like. Why is it always locked? Where's my key? He can't find Diamonds anywhere, so at least he can't steal them. Sometimes he talks to the Skye. As if the Skye is listening. He's not great with reflection, but I think he has projection mastered. But he needs Reinforcement. Sound a buzzer, maybe someone is listening. Send Small in, she's pretty, he'll listen to her. BUZZ! Wrongo. He's still working on extinction. He's been dipping into the regression. Now he's reaching for substance use, but it's not coming to him. He's running short on patients. He's looking a little tired, so maybe he needs to give it a rest. Perhaps he needs more Reflection. Just not from me. He doesn't like the picture.

Watching the Bed

So apparently, I was wrong. I apologize. The 600 pages of documentation were not my entire record from that hospital. The 600 pages were the records of one ten day stay.

Now it's becoming clearer. This is why MIP went on and on about "watching the bed" and how much it cost to "watch the bed". That bed must be fascinating.

I guess understanding ethics is more complicated. Because what Malacheck, Prichards, Arson, Tott, Dolyart, Groans, and Rippit did or did not do back in the 90s with DSM Mania and Medicalized Depression, made them seem rather Bipolar to me. But maybe that's projection. Maybe I'm having Seasonal Disaffection. I used to like MIP, but that's back when we were both afraid of my father and I had hospital insurance, which not only paid better but it was their own insurance, so it was easier for them. When you have the government insurance, your popularity drops like a rock. It pays worse in general, doesn't cover the fancy patented drugs as well, and it has limits on how long you can stay and in certain situations if standards are not met, the hospital doesn't get paid at all. Damn that accountability. So frustrating when people get held accountable. Now we have to keep such detailed records, and people actually look at them... Of course, it motivates the hospital to provide worse food, more processed food, and food that comes in wrappers. God forbid you have government insurance and dietary needs. Ooooh does that ever piss them off. Never mind proper nutrition, drug them up, threaten them, teach them nonsense, don't coordinate, and throw them out. Fantastic. What are you teaching these people? How are you helping? Give me social workers and nutritionists, they teach me stuff I can use. Real world stuff. The nutrition education was excellent, the social workers (all three) did well, but i'm disappointed in the doctors and techs. Not the one that worked with me. The old guard doctors and loose mouthed techs. The dumbest shit I heard came from patients and techs. The patients were an ethics cesspool at times. Staff needs to correct them.

Legal Threats

 I'm thinking that maybe we're learning together. Me, the 600-page hospital, and the one next door. They seem a little nervous when I come visit. I was there only 6 minutes before appointment time and I had the code, but instead they had a security guard at the parking lot and no keypad lock. 

I'm just glad the PA is not one of them. The old guard. I'm really disappointed in the old guard. Because I idolized my father. And he worked next door. And it seemed they didn't have proper independence. Diagnosis salad. First the adhd because I didn't learn fast enough. Then the depression because I was a disappointment. Then the bipolar because I pushed too hard and because psychosis was a convenient way to bury abuse red flags. Aspergers because of sensory integration issues and communication issues that came from fear and lack of trust plus isolation. 

We're also learning about threats. A good way to avoid having patients threaten lawsuits and mailing out 600 pages of documentation is to not threaten them with restraining orders in the ER merely for showing up. I don't mind the security guards, the nurses... seems like the technicians have particularly loose mouths though. Do they ever stop talking? I guess they get bored. Maybe I'm oversensitive. Maybe they get tired of running around. But I really don't need to hear about it. I guess I feel that a hospital is not meant for excessive complaining. I feel like I prefer talking about the necessary and otherwise sticking to the weather and stuff people like chatting about. 

So, we've learned about excessive diagnoses, excessive medication, the importance of nutrition... Now we're learning about independence, not making threats, and respect. And I'm learning that too much electrolyte water can push up your BP too high. Never mind salt. Electrolyte water or gatorade. I retain water that way. Oh, the internist will be so proud. Got off Clozaril, my pulse went down, my body retained less water because it wasn't having the metabolism pumped up and the kidneys filtering the blood so much. So, I started drinking the electrolyte water to retain moisture and nutrients in the system. Now the propranolol keeps the heart rate slightly lower than that and the moisture stays in. So, I'm going to try less electrolyte solution in the water. I don't even use salt that much to start. But the almonds I like, I sometimes get salted ones. So I'll need to be careful about combining electrolyte water and salty foods. My BP shoots up. I don't know how magnesium complex or Zinc would affect that. But the inositol that Artstick recommended is great... hydrozine works decently. I really liked Artstick. Small was sweet but fairly useless. Contendon seemed intelligent. Gullet could barely look at me, but I don't trust the attendings anymore. 

rTMS

So I thought I'd maybe try to think about something a little less edgy. Because Malachecks death has been on my mind. You know, I uh, did appreciate Austen Riggs. They were very strict on medications. The most dangerous incident involved a woman pulling a knife on another woman over a man. She was permanently removed. 

But then I got thinking about rTMS. Ah the new ECT. No more lightning bolt. Magnetic waves. They had to stop. The VNS was picking up the magnetic pulses. That may have been what caused the malfunction when the wire in my chest heated up. After that I stopped fiddling with the magnet so much. Leave well enough alone.

There are some very good people that work in Healthcare. Who care very much. Who respect boundaries. I appreciate them very much. I hope they know that. I hope they remember.