Angry 5/10/25

    I liked this one thing my counselor said when I was really angry. She was like "Tell Angry, 'Back off, Angry". It was funny. Somehow not so funny at the time but now it is. 

    IMA did try very hard. But they found it all very alarming. The Internist, he tried to talk me through a little, got me connected with some other people. 

    The nutritionist issue was the key problem. She had been very kind. I still use her knowledge. Oh, the hospital nutritionist was thrilled. We talked on the phone for an hour. Going on and on about this food and that food, and how this works well, and I know why she told you that... Sometimes I'm good at conversation. 

    MIP got real mad about that. Oh, those shrinks taught me a lot. They got a bit frustrated. Arson is so funny. We've known each other too long. That's why we need to see other people. I don't mind Arson so much, he's just not knowing maybe how to deal with this. Sometimes I wish I could be a fly on the wall. Seems like so many people know so much about me, but my memory is not that good and my focus isn't either. It gets to be like one of those in another world things. We do know each other well. In another world we could be great friends. So many people I know here. But I struggle to remember. I struggle to connect those dots. Because, again, as the Psychology at Clarity said... I can remember, I cannot recall. The memories are blocked. They are still there. I can still remember. It's hard to pull specific memories. Then she disagreed with Bipolar. Along with Artstick and Mindful. PTSD OFF THE CHARTS. DISSOCIATION OFF THE CHARTS. No, some people will never learn. They went to fancy schools. They know everything. Never mind their own damn tests. I'm sure I faked that. So now I do things like walk around saying stuff like I need to FOCUS on REAL LIFE.. not SITTING IN SHRINKS OFFICES TAKING PILLS. it tends to DESTROY THE MIND. Oh you'll remember. You just won't recall. Then you'll be running around collecting labels and pills and when they're not DSM labels there will be plenty of other labels like stalker and pervert and criminal and drug addict and what the fuck do you think you created in the first place? Are you proud? Yall spent a long time on this. I'm sure we all appreciate it. 

I like the plant-based diet because it's so easy on my stomach. And I get everything I need. Last night it was pork chop though. Some brussel sprouts. I like to buy the frozen veggies. I need some potatoes. The cat's looking good. He loves my guitar gig bag. That's his new nap spot because I stopped letting him on the furniture as much. He's a good cat. When I hit that 9 or 10 on the thermometer he knows. He freaks out a little. Reminds me to calm down. He's so happy. There was months I couldn't remember the day. After Clozaril. That stuff fucked my brain. and damaged my body. And I hope it is banned permanently. Not safe for human consumption. 

Anyways, turn back in for more of the blame game after Mother's Day. I'm sure someone will find something to say. 

The Gratitude Game

Ok, now that I'm partially vented... And CCBH got theirs in too... months of harassing phone calls after the complaint I filed. But that's not why I'm careful about filing complaints or even complaining in person. Those of you who may have met me in real life may notice that I am known for politeness. There's a reason for that. Some people think it's fake. But I like to think about the good eggs. The people on the ground. Not the highflyers. The ones on the ground. They're not on TV. Their names are not well known. They are not usually rich. Not all of them work in healthcare, but many do. They tend not to flap their mouths too much, but if you're decent to them, and you have good boundaries, you can get to know a few... I keep them in my memory. I replay the things they say. Sometimes I have conversations with them. It's like being in Heaven. I think of all my people. The good eggs. We hang out. We talk. We laugh. We go to imaginary parks and skip rocks, throw frisbees... We talk about old times... I miss some of my good eggs. Many did work at MIP. Some are still there. Admins, nurses, techs... They're just people I knew. Others are from Riggs. Then many are from so many other, more real-world places like the tax office, other jobs, college, even grade school. I still remember many names. Many are still around here. Some are far away. Some are gone.

I remember when my Great Aunt died. She was one of my favorite people. She lived in Pennsylvania. I used to love to listen to her talk. She knew so many things. Had a big family. We used to visit. Sometimes go on vacation. I get lost in my mind. Those shrinks with their meds built it up like a fortress. It even has a gatekeeper. 

But in that fortress, I keep my people safe. I watch out for them. That's how accountability is difficult. So many patterns with physical symptoms and triggers and the fortress on a hill. Some people invested in that fortress. It worries them that they don't have the keys. But if it opens up too fast, the force could bowl them over. Sometimes I feel so tired. But it's all about that adrenaline. That Polyvagal business. You let those emotions out, you have the right key, the surge could bowl you over. 

Now some people, they realize, that it's all about the right words and nonverbals, taking breaks, not trying to build rome in a day. The ones without God complexes. 

See the counselor, she keeps it simple. She can talk it up. "Verbal Combat" we called it. Some people know fancy words and yet they don't have to use them. Now that's a damn good skill. Funny, the shrinks didn't teach me that. 

I don't recall off the top of my head, but my counselor is like... less then 5 feet? Take a minute to think about this one. You've got a woman less than five feet tall. maybe half my weight. As far as I'm aware, no weapons or training in self-defense, no substances or medication. No locks. No security. It's been more then five years. She doesn't have a scratch. Not from me. Just polyvagal theory and a lot of common sense and insight. Why do you think I like working with women? CUZ THEY SEE THINGS. They can see through the medical bullshit. They know it's a bunch of bullshit records. A bunch of overthinking. A bunch of theory that has little application in the real world. And yet somehow men bigger then me sometimes feel threatened. It's all in the interpretation. Word choice. Nonverbals. So many people know that and just walk around and live their lives. Others, they walk around and mouth off and then wonder why shit hits them. I've done that some. But I was taught by some of the best. 

You wanna tear people down? Become an MD. Better yet, become a shrink. Building people up takes presence and perception and patience. Not something usually found behind locked doors. Words and drugs can both break your mind. A little at a time or all at once. Trust me. Just don't trust Minipress. That shit will kill you. The Red pills. Do not take the red pills. And be careful what you listen to in Psych units. People say all kinds of moronic shit. Destroys the mind. Teaching people the wrong things South Carolina, I'm telling you... just look at me... your hospitals raised me... here I am... your Gold Star...

You know I liked IMA... but they couldn't handle South Carolina's Gold Star... oh no... But they did good. They did very good. They was the ones that flagged SDOH... they was the ones that got hardcore with nutrition... they was the ones who helped me... cuz they knew too.

The Blame Game (part one)

I'm trying to move past the anger stuff... but hearing from MIP or certain other people is not easy. Holidays can be extremely difficult. 

I got me some breakfast. Did some cleaning. But MIP and certain people got me thinking about that old blame game... so let's play...

Step right up folks! Blame is for sale! Who wants to play? In this corner, we have the mentally fucked disabled guy. In these three corners, we have the hospitals, the family, and the drugs.

Ok, let's get started. CCBH, any words?

Well maybe this here fellow is a classic psychopath. You know, the kind that goes around collecting. Yes, let's just program that in and medicate. Release into society. We'll threaten before we do it. Play mind games all day long. Till he's agitated as fuck and we get to force medicate. Then we'll release the drugged zombie, unable to function, and then when he gets off the drugs, he'll remember to sue us. Yes! Let's do it!

Interesting. McClean?

Um, no comment on South Carolina today.

Lost and Rigged?

(Crickets chirping)

Hmm....

Independent Thought

God forbid I should think for myself. Fell outta the Nazi Lockstep. Makes people angry. If this was the army, it might make more sense. But this is not army. 

So again, before anyone tries to reindoctrinate me, forced medication is bad. Toxic masculinity is very real. Bipolar is sometimes real but is overdiagnosed. Diagnosing people based on gender or your own self image is dangerous. Overlooking red flags and passing them off as psychosis or some sort of fictitious disorder and not addressing the root causes, especially in combination with incorrect medication or over medication or turning someone into a pharmacy is extremely dangerous.

Violating ethics requirements of your licensure is extremely dangerous. Life or death, permanent disability dangerous. Reported to the licensure board dangerous. Possible lawsuit dangerous. 

I just need to remind the force medicators now and then. The sick psychopaths with degrees that sit around and twist minds in thier own image. Those people. Harvard types. You know the kind. The medication trials types. NAZIs in sheep's clothing. Oh just wait. And be careful. You may look ok when they get done with you. In 20-30... you might still look ok. Your mind... that's another story. I got plenty of those. Some of them have records and witnesses.

Mother's Day

Mother's day is coming up. It will be so nice to focus on a positive theme. I feel a little less tense knowing that the force medicators have eyes on them from people as varied as not just the county and state agencies they might think they can control but also a few concerned persons from the Governor's office and the FBI. It gives me some peace of mind. Allows everyone to focus on celebrating and not insulting, threatening, demonizing, manipulating, lying, cheating, overmedicating, or otherwise causing trouble.

When people are God awful towards one another, it stresses people out. Damages the mind. Makes them anxious and angry. Bipolar like. Borderline like. PTSD like. South Carolina doesn't need that BS. 

So I want to wish everyone a fantastic mother's day. Be kind to your family. Don't force anyone to file any reports, file lawsuits, anything like that. 

To all you mothers out there, God Bless.

Arachnophobia

    Spidey kneads to take time off. Go for a crawl. Tink about life choices. Too many humans trying to step on me. Need to get leggy. Spidey sniffing some RAID on di sly. Build up immunity.

Findmine

There was a psychiatrist who did try to say something. Dr. Findmine in Atlanta.

I remember because my family didn't like him. He told them what they didn't want to hear. It wasn't a matter of just the right medication. More complicated then that. Social or environmental problems.

Medication Trials

Antipsychotics

Risperidone

Quetiapine

Haldol

Thorazine

Zyprexa

Clozapine

Rexulti 

FANAPT

Latuda

Vraylar

Abilify

Caplyta

Saphris

Mood Stabilizers 

Lithium

Depakote

Tegretol

Trileptal...

Antidepressants 

Too many to list

Anxiety

Ativan

Traxene 

Klonopin

Gabapentin

Baclophen...

Offlabel

Aricept 

Namenda

Mirapex

Amantadine

Nuvigil

Provigil...

PTSD

Minipress/Prazosin

Propranolol

Mirtazapine 

Spravato

Ketamine

Adhd

Alpha blockers

Beta blockers

Stimulants, almost every single one... long acting, short acting, adderall and methyl

The list is endless. Check the records.  The house was full of pills. Pills everywhere. Everywhere.

Thanks, Healthcare Workers

    I've been thinking more about DID and overmedicalization... the bipolar bullshit with the toxic masculinity... I had to go to City Center. Two female counselors. Clarity. Female psychologist. Einstein was male. And he did try to stop it. Springbrook tried to stop it. Ccbh did not. That's hard to overlook. But it all started at MIP. The family right next door. You know, name on buildings and stuff like that. Lack of independence. Bipolar bullshit. CBT didn't catch it. It made the problem worse. With a vague DSM, undue influence, and a success oriented family... am I the last one to figure this out? Anyways, so I ended up with female nutritionists, female counselors, female social workers, so then I got an np internist, I was refusing to work with males, Artstick got overwhelmed, so now a male pa that is not above talking to women... oh and I was angry... wondering why no one seemed interested in stopping the pills. So then it was DEA and FBI... the medical board had to remind me that I am not law enforcement... so then I'm walking around with a bunch of women, government agencies, and a high placed name or two. And if Timmons hadn't seemed so concerned, maybe i would have taken the pills. I just needed to know there was someone that was above county and state influence... just in case. 

    Between the women, the governor and Timmons, I decided to go forward. its just that family is on so many committees and knows so many people... county sheriff... Prismo... state senators... I was nervous... I was being watched by locals either with the doctors or against, prismo, mindful, internist, vinewell, people talk about jail and fraud... seeing all this influence... having worked in taxes... al Capone...tax evasion put him away. So then I'm thinking, with all these people, other then perhaps myself, who would go away if something crossed a line. There's a lot of lines and a lot of people when you consider state and federal law. So I really need to let other people worry about those things. It just wears on my mind. I had hoped it wouldn't be ugly. But people get stubborn when you question thier creditentials, authority, or the well-being of people they know. Springbrook rather liked prichards. What i see when I look at the past is a history of nuerodyvergence and trauma. Overmedicalization. Alphabet soup diagnoses. Undue influence. Too many pills. Too much greed. Miseducation and missed red flags that became only bigger red flags over time. Then the government steps in. Too many abuse reports, SDOH, Federal money going who knows where. DSM dressing up drug trafficking. At times it was like Munchousens byproxy. Which I've seen real life examples of. But between all this and the agencies and people asking questions at a state and federal level, now it's time to step back. It's time for real life. The stuff the nutritionists and the social workers and the counselors taught me. If there's anything left to do,

    I have to trust the state of South Carolina and possibly the federal government to decide. To me it's excessive. To me, a state or federal judge might need to make some decisions other then mentally incompetent. This seems messy. And some people at ccbh and mip have been slow to get with the program. So hopefully, i can do that cooking and cleaning and real life... and someone higher up then the county can decide what to do or not do about drugs and dsm mania. This county is a big county. It has a lot going on. I think it needs some help. I do firmly believe that there were serious problems at Greenville Psychiatropy, MIP, CCBH. 

    My old internist knew. He's the one that flagged SDOH. Anmed knows. Greenville ketamine center. These people know things. It doesn't so much matter what I do or don't say. There's plenty of people and records. I just want to know what we are teaching South Carolina about drugs and diagnostic bullshit. I was supporting my family, who was supporting prisma who was supporting my family. Everyone in lockstep on the bipolar and drug it away. So much like a NAZI system. There were plenty of red flags. Stretching back to childhood. So I need to focus on the wholesome stuff and let South Carolina worry about South Carolina. I need this state to take a hard look at the records from Anmed, Greenville Psych, MIP, Springbrook, CCBH, the medical board, Greenville Ketamine, vinewell, Einstein from Atlanta maybe, maybe Riggs and McLean, City Center, Mindful Upstate, Internal medicine associates, and think long and hard about how to keep this county safe.

    I truly believe that minipress, gabapentin, clozaril, stimulants, and benzos can be highly dangerous. Life or death, permanent disability dangerous. I will not rest until there are tighter restrictions on the use of clozaril, gabapentin, and minipress in particular. Highly dangerous. Change behavior dramatically. Ask City Center. Ask Springbrook. They know. 38 calibur dangerous. 911 dangerous. With all the blame going around. I want to remind people that there are good guys. The ones that don't buy the bullshit. And in my mind that's mostly social workers, internists, LPCs, nurses. I see danger when people get too close. Group think. At MIP. at ccbh. The latter of Which was dealt with. It'd be nice since I've basically gone around to every single agency and person willing to listen, to see the state... in the form of a state or federal judge, close the matter permanently. I'm so tired of thinking about this. So, to use a skill that the social worker at MIP used...

I need to FOCUS on REAL LIFE. I'm CONCERNED that so very many other people are ALARMED at this situation that revolves around MIP, DSM, DRUGS, BIPOLAR BULLSHIT, OVERMEDICALIZATION, WASTE OF PUBLIC FUNDS, and I'm TRUSTING that the STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA, if necessary, with federal assistance, will take a hard look at what has been going on in this here county. I've already contacted the FBI, as you may be aware. I'm very concerned about the drugs. I'm very concerned about the medical system. I've already asked the FBI to monitor my communications and assured them that I want to cooperate. To keep people safe. So, as far as I know, state and federal authorities have been working on keeping this county safe. It's time for me to do real life. Let the state worry about the state. Let the experts and the records hash it out. I'm hoping that the people will feel safer, knowing that the government is working on keeping them safe. I'm tired of conflict. I cannot predict what will or will not happen. I cannot say who did what or what is dangerous. I leave that to the government. The experts. The records. They know my concerns. They don't tell me everything. They have cooperation if needed. They asked what I wanted. I said health carefree of undue influence. So hopefully its over and I can focus on real life things. Sorry county. Too many connections. Good luck. My team will be in touch as needed. Keep the county safe.

If somebody doesn't take this off my plate I'm gonna be having outbursts like Arson did. "OH GREAT, HE WANTS TO BE STUDIED". Poor Arson.

Ashes and Dust

Dear Healthcare worker 5/9

Vell, Im flattered. Zey thought of old vlad. Who put you up to it? Was it the tent? Coffee? Arson? Who figured it out? You realize im not coming for the meds, yes? I'd donate blood but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Last time i fell in love with the phlebotmist. Nearly faints at the sight of me now. But I'll take a pint. You don't mind if I stay out of sight for a few years? Too much attention.

Minding my own Business 5/9

See what I figure is, whatever the alphabet soup of psych dx's does or does not mean, the physical dx's are my primary concern. 

For someone with that many dx's, it would appear Western medicine has run amuck.

Given that this has attracted a lot of attention... it's not just a me problem. There are people asking questions about how this happened. They want to keep people safe. So I just let them know my concerns. And then others can decide what adjustments might need to be made. So then the community is safer. What worries me is some of this borders on criminal. And I don't get to decide. So these other people... they talk to other people, they look at records, maybe an expert or two... understand what went wrong, if anyone else was affected, that sort of thing. There's enough social workers, LPCs, shrinks, mds, and politicians that have learned enough to want to know what happened. So I'm trying to focus on here and now and keep level headed while I think through exactly what I need to do to answer all this. Cuz at this point they really seem intent on resolving the matter. And then I need to focus on my living independently thing. First I was nervous about coming off meds, then nervous about who to trust, then nervous about the pushback. But its gone too far. And now I have to finish what I started. And I'm hoping that no one goes to prison. That's not up to me. They have to figure out what these records and expert interpretations mean for the state of South Carolina. If adjustments need to be made. I feel confident the state wants to understand. Wants to keep people safe. I feel confident it will be safe. Some people are just not good in combination. They can be good separately. I hope so. I think the Angels hope so. I don't know what happens. But hopefully this gets less exciting. It's been rather strange. I don't know what needs to happen. I just want to do something other then take pills and counseling or that plus work. That family thing I keep hearing about. They're gonna kick me outta heaven if I don't quit breaking in. So if you don't mind, I'll be home. Minding my own business. Arguing with the library about petty bullshit. Cuz they seem obnoxious to me. But I've been there a lot too.

Angels

Now I'm wondering who's thinking these things up because they are getting very clever. Watching the website. Using the records. Coordinating. It's very clever. 

I know so many of them. But you're watching the website. And you saw the dear healthcare worker. And I told only one person about that message. And that person told someone at the hospital. Or maybe the hospital figured it out. Well anyways. The discharge nurse name is on the records. And you know I don't trust those doctors anymore. You know I trust the nurses. And what? Because she was blonde? Small didn't work, so now the blonde nurse. Very clever. Oh, now it's like, we'll tell him the discharge nurse wants him to have these meds suddenly. No thanks. burn or restock. If there are really meds. I have the meds I need. 

    I want to resolve this issue with the old guard. The script happy dinosaurs. I guess it's nice to be heard though. Tell Elle I said hi. We need to see other people guys. I'm concerned about the medication prescribing. Hopefully less concerned with time. I do want to believe. On the outside. Without excessive medication. A little more quietly. I'm middle aged now. Let the young people shine. Go help them. We've so got to stop doing this. Good luck. I got coffee. A few mindful people. These Bipolar meds are concerning to me. The gabapentin thing is particularly disturbing. Knowing Malacheck was in charge of my care and put me on it right around the time the company got in trouble. That was very disturbing. He was charismatic. That can be a problem. Now he's dead. I like coffee. Not enough bagels around. Anyways... pills to take, weird stuff to write, dishes to wash... clothes to... do something with. Hopefully something more useful. So, you know, you're not charting at 2.5 PPH. 24 hours a day, 10 days at a stretch. It was impressive. The Social workers did well. I was rather counting on them this time. Sharon retired. You remember Sharon? She did notice some things. I'd better not let #2 talk our way in again. I felt safe there once. Maybe we finally figured each other out. Ciao.

Combinations

Some people are bad in combination. Some people should stay the fuck away from me. The drugs don't fix this nor shut me up. I'm not your perfect son. I tried. It didn't work. Give it up. Stop the insanity. I'm not him. He doesnt exist. Stop looking. There's a half dozen governmental agencies already watching. Jump ship. Get out. Stay out. It's not looking pretty. I'm medically complex. The ship has sailed. Please go away. Thank you.

Oversensitive

    Maybe I'm oversensitive, but really, a warm fuck you to perfectionist doctors, manipulative family, gossip trees, and the inventors of clozapine. Please go fuck yourselves. Then do it again. Then go walk off a cliff.

    Seriously. The NAZIs had better results. Numbing people out and releasing chaos is not the answer. 
You think this is funny? Really? Which part? I'm not seeing funny here. My liver is almost shot. My charts a mile long. Truly. Go fuck yourselves. I'm not going to rest until that shit is permanently banned. This isn't funny. 

    I'm so relieved MIP doesn't like me anymore. Place is fucked. They started this. The bullshit with the DX's and the pills. It's your mess guys. Great job. Go back to medical school now. Try that Hippocratic oath again. Remember it? No? Funny the things you forget. Go fuck yourselves. Truly. It needs to be done. To-do list it. You're a fucking disaster. You numbed me out and destroyed my body with pills.

    Congratulations. Go fuck yourselves again. You and your little friends. There's no hiding this GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF. TAKE YOUR CLOZARIL WITH YOU. every day until you remember that oath. Everyday. I'm reserving rooms at McClean now.

    Oh, but they're still planning the next forced medicationing. See when this started, I thought... I'll make a website, I'll make a few metaphors, maybe people will learn, we'll all move on. Then I noticed how nervous people were. Oh fuck, he's waking up. Oh fuck. He sees the truth. Oh fuck, he's talking. Dammit. Where's the nearest pharmacy? Fuck metaphors, some people never learn.

Sense

I just don't get it. I'm the disabled guy with the degrees and the pills and the hospital system on one side, various doctors offices on different sides, a family on another side, and so many other people who think I have something to give or do for them. I don't actually have to go out there to know that these people are all out there just waiting for a report or some help or to drug me up or come up with a new dx and it makes no sense. Who has the energy for this? Do I have all the answers here? Does any office have all the answers. I need to retire from a half dozen more things before someone sees me and decides either they or I need something. It makes no sense.

I get tired of caring. Because problems and solutions vary depending on who you ask. Caring was more fun when I was more numb.