Anxieties

I worry if I connect too much at one time, what i might say or do. How would I interpret others? How would they interpret me. So far, we've not done a bangup job together.

Switching and Writing

Writing while switching is difficult. Every time you switch, you want to tell it a different way. It's like, come on guys, why can't we agree on one little scene? Only wrote 4 versions! Seriously! Writing while Angry is worse. Cuz then you start thinking about suing half the east coast. That doesn't work very well. It's like... wow. What just happened? 

River

I feel like I need to think more about my life. I feel like there's parts of the picture that I'm not seeing. That there are things that I'm missing. But I think I'm getting closer. To seeing the big picture. So I'm glad for that. Unfortunately, I have to take what I can get when I can get it. But I need to understand better. In order to be funny, I need to be angry first. Then I can be funny again. I'm not sure what's next. I don't have much of a plan. Yet. I am glad though. To have more space. Breathing room. To be me. Without meeting any particular standard, tend, or appeal. 100% genuine in isolation. Just some hallucinations. Wierd dreams. I had one about tis river. Running fast. Huge river. Fast water. Carrying me away. I thought it was the one nearby, but much bigger, and faster. 

Greedy

Now that the doctors and their friends have stopped talking long enough for me to hear opposing view points, it's starting to make more sense. A lack of boundaries and pushing too hard dressed up as Bipolar by people who couldn't be bothered to notice red flags and were making far too much money off hospital insurance. A multistate clusterfuck. Motivated by old Greedy... the river of money that runs through here. Greenville County does have a problem. It's greed. Medical greed. But I switched out my team. Firewalled them. Got FBI and Public Health involved. Hopefully, Clozaril will be removed again, permanently this time. Hopefully, I'll never be one of them again. The boundaryless people pushers. Some people do move away and start fresh. I'm stubborn. And medically complex. Moving is not appealing. I need to figure out all my boundaries, legal and otherwise. Then a judge can rule. Theres too many people involved. I can't be the only one. This county needs to be safe. For the kids. You know they used to call it the Rainbow River? Why? Chemical Dumping. That's why it's so complicated to rebuild that dam. Toxic chemicals can be released by construction... Move into the water supply. Downstate. Good old Greedy. Used to be factories polluting this county. Now, it's doctors. 

Greener Healthcare Act

Not to be egotistical, but if someone wanted to codify some restrictions on medicalized perfection and human experimentation, I think calling it the Greener Healthcare Act would make sense. Healthcare in Greenville could certainly be Greener. Limits on what doctors can do. Especially in mental health situations. I'd like it to ban Clozaril.

Accounting Education

That accounting education is really coming back to help me. Auditing. Undue influence. Boundaries. It makes sense. 

I've been thinking about specialization, comparative advantage and Narcissism. Being too good, or thinking you are... reminds me of Nazis.

Functional

So, when I'm not doing the life stuff or playing that game (The nurses found my game play amusing), I've been thinking about how it ends. The chaos. You know, someone asked me once why I didn't sweat while working so hard in physical labor. Anger, Clozaril, Dissociation. That's how. A lack of connection to reality. Medicalized perfection. That is the chaos. 

How does it end? By not idealizing each other. By engaging with reality. By not dissociating. Oh, I know some dissociators. They'll deny it till the end of their days, most likely. Most of them are doctors. But I think everyone dissociates sometimes. The brain wants to rationalize its reality. Gets overworked trying to explain things that have no reasonable explanation. Burns out. Looks like ADHD, PTSD, Borderline, Bipolar, things like that. You can deny the research. You can engage with your lies. Don't ask me to. I'm too tired and too angry. It's a multistate clusterfuck. Sometimes people just need to back off, mind their own business. Take vacation. Change jobs. Meet other people. Or there's court dates and even criminal charges at the end of the road. 

I need to FOCUS on my life. On HELPING Public Health declusterfuck this. FREE of UNDUE influence. Then the government can decide the rest. They've been watching since 2020. Social Determinates of Health Screening. So it's not my problem anymore. It's the government's problem. But I really would like a judge to rule before I make any major decisions. It would give me peace of mind. Financial separation from my families. That would help. To make it stop. My own choices. Free of idealization and demonization. That would help. Because I am one person. And all I own is a disability savings. That's it. They control the rest. They lord it over me. Always have. 

So if there truly aren't sides. Then the government should say stop, so we can all sit down.

We have to stop the patterns. That's where auditing coming in. Rotations. Mandatory vacations and retirements. LISTENING TO FEEDBACK. Shutting down undue influence.

I think at this point, all of Greenville county can agree on ending medicalized perfection. Because unfortunately I'd have to die before they shut me up. Not threatening patients. Not lying to them.

Anything/Everything I Own

    See, I'm confident. That despite the fact that they own the house and the car, I won't be homeless. They won't threaten me. Not when there's people watching. Not when the hospitals, the FBI, Public Health, and just about the entire state of South Carolina knows pretty much everything. And I won't go back. Because I'm tired and on fewer meds like Clozaril. There's many names for my life. Fear of Harm is one. Stockholm syndrome is another. Overmedicalization is another. Undue Influence. Multistate Clusterfuck. 

    They'll still idealize me. They'll still push. But I need to FOCUS on REAL LIFE. Even if that means having the FBI stand between myself and my families. I need to focus on the cooking and cleaning and trying to get emotionally regulated again. So the government can work this out for good. I'm divorcing my families. Leaving the bubble. De-cultifying. As quietly as they allow me to do that. I know IMA is watching. I know there are others. They are going to see this through. Me too. Maybe less conquer the world. Maybe let the young people shine. I know my friends are watching. 

I Got a Name

Like the pine trees linin' the windin' road

I've got a name, I've got a name

Like the singin' bird and the croakin' toad

I've got a name, I've got a name

And I carry it with me like my daddy did

But I'm livin' the dream that he kept hid

Movin' me down the highway

Rollin' me down the highway

Movin' ahead so life won't pass me by

Like the north wind whistlin' down the sky

I've got a song, I've got a song

Like the whirlpool whirl and the baby's cry

I've got a song, I've got a song

And I carry it with me and I sing it loud

If it gets me nowhere, I'll go there proud

Movin' me down the highway

Rollin' me down the highway

Movin' ahead so life won't pass me by

And I'm gonna go there free

Like the fool I am and I'll always be

I've got a dream, I've got a dream

They can change their minds but they can't change me

I've got a dream, I've got a dream

Oh, I know I could share it if you'd want me too

If you're going my way, I'll go with you

Movin' me down the highway

Rollin' me down the highway

Movin' ahead so life won't pass me by

Movin' me down the highway

Rollin' me down the highway

Movin' ahead so life won't pass me by

ANYTHING I OWN

Cults

Things got outta hand, yeah. So, I cleaned the kitchen a bit. Put up some clothes. Cat's looking good. Printer won't cut me a break this time. Drivers seem out of date. I may have to contact them. Edit the forms electronically. Technically, I'm still me, but less entangled. 

I looked up cults, and I found this:

The psychology of cults involves understanding how groups can exert undue influence over individuals, leading to manipulation, control, and potential harm. Cults often exploit vulnerabilities and employ various psychological tactics to break down an individual's sense of self and loyalty, replacing it with a collective identity and devotion to the group and its leader. 

Key Psychological Factors:

Traumatic Narcissism:

Cult leaders often exhibit narcissistic traits, using manipulation, control, and emotional blackmail to establish a bond of dependence with followers. 

Group Cohesion:

Intense group activities, rituals, and a sense of belonging can create a strong group identity, making it difficult for members to question the cult's beliefs and practices. 

Indoctrination:

Cults employ thought-reform techniques, including isolation from external influences, constant exposure to cult ideology, and repetitive rituals, to erode an individual's critical thinking abilities and foster obedience. 

Obedience:

Cults tap into the natural human tendency to obey authority, often exploiting it by rewarding conformity and punishing dissent. 

Abdication Syndrome:

Followers may hand over responsibility for their lives to leaders, believing that the leader possesses all the answers and has their best interests at heart. 

Manipulation:

Cults use a variety of deceptive tactics, including guilt, shame, and fear, to control members and prevent them from leaving. 

Identity Transformation:

Cults often attempt to reshape an individual's identity, replacing their pre-existing values and beliefs with those of the group. 

Mental Health Effects:

The psychological manipulation and control in cults can lead to a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, mood disorders, and substance abuse. 

I definitely was in a cult of doctors. Bipolar was my mantra. CBT and meds were my gospel. Really freaky. I need to think about life choices. Avoid certain people. 

Face Heat

I remember youth. Sometimes my ears would turn red. Parents were like, whats wrong. Took me to internist. The internist had a roundabout way of saying I was embarrassed. Now its face burning. You could say hormones or a chemical or nutrition. Maybe its just anger. People are not, in fact, robots. Emotions are not wrong. Perfection is not to be expected. Relationships go sour. Jobs go sour. Sometimes you need a vacation. Or do that walking away thing. Sometimes, communicating in writing is the best one can hope for. 

Speaking

People are like, don't say this, don't say that. Do this, don't do that. Pick something already? Or maybe just give me my words in advance? Nice guys do finish last. Being strong and being nice don't always work well together. Sometimes you have to make people angry. Sometimes helping people means doing what they don't want you to do, saying what they don't want to hear. And if they don't listen, you walk away or get louder. You don't keep walking down that dead end road. 

Under Maintainance

This Person is under maintenance until anger becomes less of a vocabulary word. I'm simply going in too many directions. I care about the kids. They know that. I'm there from a distance.

At times, it does seem like there are sides. Almost like being split between different interests or groups of people. 

Less is More...

A little less angry...
A little more organized...
Slow but not too slow...
More judicious with honesty...
Maybe just taxes and writing...
A little less driven to distraction...
A little less blame...
A half dozen fewer people with lower morals...

one car washed...

A few clothes to donate...

A few less doctors in my head.