Ok

    I am indeed ok. I'm not very functional. I still get Angry. But they adjusted the medicine. So I'm living independently.  Sinuses have been super bad. Sleep is poor. I definitely have low mental presence. Not terrible. But low. To me, it resembles a mild dementia. A cognitive impairment. One that does not seem to respond to medication. I need to be careful. Sometimes I say the wrong thing. I feel like people sometimes are surprised by what I say.

    The team says that boundaries are important and that other people might need their own trauma counselors. Because people have feelings. I do feel that I look stronger than I am. It's not that I enjoy being gone. But I feel like its better that I don't affect people too much. 

    Sometimes what I miss is talking about something other than me. I can't figure these people out. They act like I'm the devious one. 

Red

Jess,

    I want you to know that I never lied to you. I heard what you said too. And I appreciated you trusting me. I never wanted to hurt you or frighten you or bring you down. You did not err in trusting me. 

    You said I had to make my own decisions, and I have. I'm glad you liked the poem. I had a few things to work on. Some anger to put down. Don't run away too fast. You did so well. Remember. Remember the good things.

    Strength comes in strange forms. Please thank Kenzie and Elle. I needed them, and they were there. I needed to learn the things the men didn't teach me. Now I know better. Remember.

Ashes

Knowing

Knowledge in the chaos Vortex

Rippling through like waves

Turning up the power brings

reverberating rage

Stepping back, the echoes fade

As knowledge builds my power

Whisperings of the doings past

Returning hour by hour

Whither from, the echo calls

And whence will it return?

'Cross the lonely path of which

Is leading us astern. 

Walking back and running forward

an agent of the chaos

Looking for an aiding ally

We're bearing up our cross.

So, what is it that we know now

And whither shall it lead us?

Can we find another way

Before the demons bleed us?

Leggy

Spidey a liddle a Noid. Not leggy today.  But di sky is blue and di sun is shining. Tigre's been visiting friends. Spidey be leggy soon. De'll nebber catch me! 

Berry nice arachnid...

Ebbybody gloves Molly...

Ebben when she is Folly...

And taking pills can be stupid,

Especially when less then totally lucid.

They had the war on drugs...

And the war on hugs...

But where's the war on pills?

I've surely had my fill.

When I think of going crawling...

I find the hospitals appalling...

There's a lack of fruits

Bodies comin outta chutes.

Then they want a quick fix

But it's too late for it.

Medicalization

    I remember some of the better times before I started breaking into mental hospitals. Before my families and I started fighting over the pills. Yeah, I grew up in the medical system. At 10, I got my ADHD and dysgraphia. by 13, I had my major depression. By 17, I'd acquired my Bipolar. My first Coma. By 19, I had my second. By 20, I had my Autism Spectrum. By 38, I had my PTSD. At 40 or 41, I got my DID. I took stops by OCD like behavior, GAD, those didn't stick. Sleep apnea. Medicalization. 

    But before all that... before 16... before the pills started... we was like family. We cared. I used to hug the nurses. They made me stop. Funny how when the Clozaril stopped I started hugging healthcare workers again. Things had changed. We were all older. Many people had moved on. The rest of us were becoming bitter. Nothing happens in a vacuum. How did we get here?

    Personally, I think it had a lot to do with how dedicated my family was to healthcare. Growing up in hospitals is like growing up in prison. You learn everything. Maybe not at an expert level. What I learned was some things are dangerous. Gabapentin. Minipress. Benzos. Clozapine. Toxic CBT. Toxic masculinity. Lack of boundaries. Lying. Dissociation. Pills are dangerous. Very dangerous. ECT is not worth it. rTMS is safer. 

Friends of Upstate Healthcare

    I started a new group on Facebook. Maybe calm some waters. Hopefully that and tutor/tax. Depending on my health. Maybe Arson will come to an event. 

    Energy is low, but I feel good about this idea. Stay in home. Advocate. See new people.

Sleep

It doesn't look like I'll be going back to Vinewell. They took it off the list. Just as well. I named them as at fault for not checking my vitals. For the hospital visit. But I'm only sleeping a few hours a night. Well, minimum is about 5. Sometimes as much as 7 or even 8. But that's much different from sleeping 9-11 a night. I'd say my sleep has decreased by 40-50%. Maybe that's why she said I was in a deep sleep with Clozastill. 

Whistling...

    Ok. I think the meds are balancing out. I've got more to do list items. I don't know how much public health is benefitting. But for me, it's a journey to being more well-rounded and functional. Still have the episodes. PTSD like. But i want to add more. Ive been trying, believe it or not, to protect privacy. But there's only so many metaphors. I know my families fairly well. I knew MA medical well. I have more work to do. But it's getting there. Gotta go by goodwill. More around the house. I called the internist about the physical symptoms and then the dystonia started, and I forgot. Now it's just some red bumps like shingles or chicken pox. But they stopped itching when dystonia went away.

    I gotta exercise more and get some sunlight. I've been doing the job search. Small was pretty. I just didn't recognize her. They hid Kenzie in IMU and Red was gone too. Shame. Paytlyn refused to work with me. I think time alone can be good. I miss my women... I remember when I was younger, I used to hug the nurses... that got me in trouble. But I learned a lot too. I like the nurses because they have a different perspective.

Lessons

    I think the greatest lesson MIP has had for me in recent times revolves around not repeating past mistakes. Moving on to new things, new people, new ways of thinking. Not repeating the past. Breaking habits. I think people can change. I'm trying to make sure I preserve the good while working out the bad. But it's been confusing. 

    So, I hope that I'm not the only one learning. I hope other people see what truly happened in my life and learn something from it. Whatever they may learn. I want them to learn something. I don't want to be the only one learning. I don't want to be bubble boy. I just want to be. Without being miserable. Preferably. But alive is good too. It's just wierd how people move back and forth between "You're not taking us seriously enough" and "Don't be so serious. Relax." Relaxing can be hard to do. 

OK

    Anger is a natural human emotion. It helps us learn about trust. It tells us when our boundaries have been violated. It helps us learn about the world. It helps other people learn about us. What's ok. What's not OK. Some things are not OK. But at a certain point its time to stop being angry. While learning from what caused the anger. That's why I want people to learn about woodruff road. So the world can have less anger. But denying anger makes it worse. I don't remember any apologies from the wrongdoers. That's what bothers me. But I cant let what happened control me. No matter how wrong it was nor how many red flags were missed. Because the world isn't responsible for my anger. Projecting my anger against people who did no wrong or continuing to be angry at unrepentant people makes no sense. I can't force people to recognize thier errors. I can't force people to repent. I am not justice. I'm a person. 

Relief

    It really is a relief to have my healthcare behind a firewall. It gives me peace. It makes me happy. I have privacy and control again. With Prichards, I wasn't getting what I needed. Leaves knew. Molly knew. Even Arson knew. Now I have room to breathe. That's why I know I'll be ok. Not because of a dx code or a med or thc. Because I have control. And room to breathe. And I'm grateful for that. 

Calm the Waters

Dear Friend,

    I hope you've been well. I know it's been a long time. My hope was that by reaching out to you, we could shut down some of the nonsense and the running around. Some of the lying and the poor boundaries and the threats and other abusive conduct. The God Complexes. Stuff like that.

    I hope that is what is happening. I'm not trying to stir up the hornets, but I was asked to bring some things to your attention by multiple people in the community. We just want to slow down some of the med trains and the lying. Be more productive and engage in less BS. I hope that we can do that. 

    Otherwise, they'll be looking for another hospital or center or hole to stick me in. And it's sad when you become allergic to people. But it's been rough. Two comas. Lots of running around and drugs. I'm counting on you and my team. I know there are people that want to help. I'm trying to help too. Some people don't listen. 

    Calm the waters. I need you to calm the waters. If we just listen, and act on the truth that we hear without lying... things can be better. Calmer. Less Psychociating. I know everyone has problems, but this is ridiculous. Otherwise it's a constant back and forth, one side vs the other, both scheming and lying and it just never ends. 

    I'm counting on my people. Calm the waters. Keep the bulls out of the china shops. 

Thanks

Ashes

Dear Healthcare Professionals

    Good news. We worked out a few kinks in the program. My families and I have been deep in disjointed discussions. We're changing the approach. Smoothing out some edges. Less specific. Going with a more PG theme. You'll be hearing more from the Tales from the Attick gang. Improving our boundaries. 

    Maybe a little less serious and confrontational when we have to talk again? That would be great. Tweaking the recipe a bit. Just a few more names and details to change. Maybe get things back down to a PG-13ish. Perhaps if I return, no talk of legal actions or jails? Threats aren't conducive. Thanks. All the one-way communication isn't working well. I still think Robin Williams is a good template, but we're learning as we go.

The Blood Connection

    Molly hab many secwets. Spidey hab many eyes, doh. 6 eyes, eight legs. The eyes see different tings. But Spidey's onto glue. Many spiders and dragonflies reporting back. Di Itsy Bitsies stand by. Ebben di search bats, just in case. Spidey catches a ride on Vlad sumtimes. Udder times...

    Vlad's always had a weakness for di A-. One night, Vlad was missing and the window was open. There were broken branches in the Southern Trees. Eddie started sniffing around. Before Spidey gnew it, we were riding hard towards the Blood Connection. Dat Bat. 

    Ennyways, Molly hab many secwets. She's been keeping a pew. But Spidey berry perceptive. She nebber wanted to clean house. She's very surgical when she cleans. Berry pwecise. Just a pew nuts to gadder. A pew leabes to prune. Dat's all. Berrrrry delicate, Molly is. She just doesn't like wildfires. She keeps her Arson limited. Berry limited. Because Arson can only do so much. Arson is a blunt instrument for a detailed problem. Can't just go throwing gasoline around. That wouldn't do. Precision. Intention. Delicate. Poetic Justice. That's how Molly is.