Diagnosis

Get a diagnosis, they said. Having a name for the problems helps, they said... $*%#.

Waiting

Hanging in the corner

From a silky thread

by the light of windows

with pen and paper spread

The dragonfly, it hovers,

In the room just down the hall

busy are the bees

from the comb the honey falls

And so, the bear creeps lowly

sniffing at the air

sneaking in so softly

to tackle what is there

He's bigger than the dragonfly

Though hungry, he is strong

He plots to steal some honey

Because right is never wrong

Unfortunately for bear (though spider plays along)

When they come in number, bees can be quite strong

Soon the door comes open, and queen bee has a friend

Blue bee joins the hive, in the room down at the end

To make bear's matters worse

another bee pops out

soon the first door opens

and bees are all about

Spider, do a favor...

Distract the dragonfly.

Drained

    This has been a draining experience. It's gone in the strangest directions. Trying times must come to an end. You know, when this all started, people seemed to find it interesting, almost like a thrill. It's not actually that strange of a concept. People forget that everyone plays different roles, takes different perspectives from time to time. The truth can appear different from person to person. I was reminded of the Trinity. Even God has parts... Father, Son, Holy Spirit. I started some self-exploration, and it got too interesting for everyone. Medication can be truly frightening as well. I wanted people to know the real me. It got out of hand.

    South Carolina is angry enough. Let me go see about Massachusetts... maybe they're bored... I hear Samoa is nice my time of crazy...

Angry

I can see why people are angry. Angry because I've changed. Angry because they were wrong about me. Angry because they worked hard, and it didn't work out. Trauma is like that. It's difficult. But there's no sense in jumping to conclusions. Just because you fear me does not mean that I am worthy of fear. Or anger. I'm still me. Just differently. Getting older makes me realize that my energy is limited. But it seems like my perception is also limited. I used to feel like I knew the world and myself, but I had a small world. I was in a rut. Now I strive to get traction again. I'm doing what's right for me. In time, wounds can heal. Anyways. If Elle or Leaves ever need anything, they better let me know. Not that I have much to give, but sometimes I have to make exceptions for good people. I owe a few debts. I think we could all use some peace. 

Ok

    I am indeed ok. I'm not very functional. I still get Angry. But they adjusted the medicine. So I'm living independently.  Sinuses have been super bad. Sleep is poor. I definitely have low mental presence. Not terrible. But low. To me, it resembles a mild dementia. A cognitive impairment. One that does not seem to respond to medication. I need to be careful. Sometimes I say the wrong thing. I feel like people sometimes are surprised by what I say.

    The team says that boundaries are important and that other people might need their own trauma counselors. Because people have feelings. I do feel that I look stronger than I am. It's not that I enjoy being gone. But I feel like its better that I don't affect people too much. 

    Sometimes what I miss is talking about something other than me. I can't figure these people out. They act like I'm the devious one. 

Red

Jess,

    I want you to know that I never lied to you. I heard what you said too. And I appreciated you trusting me. I never wanted to hurt you or frighten you or bring you down. You did not err in trusting me. 

    You said I had to make my own decisions, and I have. I'm glad you liked the poem. I had a few things to work on. Some anger to put down. Don't run away too fast. You did so well. Remember. Remember the good things.

    Strength comes in strange forms. Please thank Kenzie and Elle. I needed them, and they were there. I needed to learn the things the men didn't teach me. Now I know better. Remember.

Ashes

Knowing

Knowledge in the chaos Vortex

Rippling through like waves

Turning up the power brings

reverberating rage

Stepping back, the echoes fade

As knowledge builds my power

Whisperings of the doings past

Returning hour by hour

Whither from, the echo calls

And whence will it return?

'Cross the lonely path of which

Is leading us astern. 

Walking back and running forward

an agent of the chaos

Looking for an aiding ally

We're bearing up our cross.

So, what is it that we know now

And whither shall it lead us?

Can we find another way

Before the demons bleed us?

Leggy

Spidey a liddle a Noid. Not leggy today.  But di sky is blue and di sun is shining. Tigre's been visiting friends. Spidey be leggy soon. De'll nebber catch me! 

Berry nice arachnid...

Ebbybody gloves Molly...

Ebben when she is Folly...

And taking pills can be stupid,

Especially when less then totally lucid.

They had the war on drugs...

And the war on hugs...

But where's the war on pills?

I've surely had my fill.

When I think of going crawling...

I find the hospitals appalling...

There's a lack of fruits

Bodies comin outta chutes.

Then they want a quick fix

But it's too late for it.

Medicalization

    I remember some of the better times before I started breaking into mental hospitals. Before my families and I started fighting over the pills. Yeah, I grew up in the medical system. At 10, I got my ADHD and dysgraphia. by 13, I had my major depression. By 17, I'd acquired my Bipolar. My first Coma. By 19, I had my second. By 20, I had my Autism Spectrum. By 38, I had my PTSD. At 40 or 41, I got my DID. I took stops by OCD like behavior, GAD, those didn't stick. Sleep apnea. Medicalization. 

    But before all that... before 16... before the pills started... we was like family. We cared. I used to hug the nurses. They made me stop. Funny how when the Clozaril stopped I started hugging healthcare workers again. Things had changed. We were all older. Many people had moved on. The rest of us were becoming bitter. Nothing happens in a vacuum. How did we get here?

    Personally, I think it had a lot to do with how dedicated my family was to healthcare. Growing up in hospitals is like growing up in prison. You learn everything. Maybe not at an expert level. What I learned was some things are dangerous. Gabapentin. Minipress. Benzos. Clozapine. Toxic CBT. Toxic masculinity. Lack of boundaries. Lying. Dissociation. Pills are dangerous. Very dangerous. ECT is not worth it. rTMS is safer. 

Friends of Upstate Healthcare

    I started a new group on Facebook. Maybe calm some waters. Hopefully that and tutor/tax. Depending on my health. Maybe Arson will come to an event. 

    Energy is low, but I feel good about this idea. Stay in home. Advocate. See new people.

Sleep

It doesn't look like I'll be going back to Vinewell. They took it off the list. Just as well. I named them as at fault for not checking my vitals. For the hospital visit. But I'm only sleeping a few hours a night. Well, minimum is about 5. Sometimes as much as 7 or even 8. But that's much different from sleeping 9-11 a night. I'd say my sleep has decreased by 40-50%. Maybe that's why she said I was in a deep sleep with Clozastill. 

Whistling...

    Ok. I think the meds are balancing out. I've got more to do list items. I don't know how much public health is benefitting. But for me, it's a journey to being more well-rounded and functional. Still have the episodes. PTSD like. But i want to add more. Ive been trying, believe it or not, to protect privacy. But there's only so many metaphors. I know my families fairly well. I knew MA medical well. I have more work to do. But it's getting there. Gotta go by goodwill. More around the house. I called the internist about the physical symptoms and then the dystonia started, and I forgot. Now it's just some red bumps like shingles or chicken pox. But they stopped itching when dystonia went away.

    I gotta exercise more and get some sunlight. I've been doing the job search. Small was pretty. I just didn't recognize her. They hid Kenzie in IMU and Red was gone too. Shame. Paytlyn refused to work with me. I think time alone can be good. I miss my women... I remember when I was younger, I used to hug the nurses... that got me in trouble. But I learned a lot too. I like the nurses because they have a different perspective.

Lessons

    I think the greatest lesson MIP has had for me in recent times revolves around not repeating past mistakes. Moving on to new things, new people, new ways of thinking. Not repeating the past. Breaking habits. I think people can change. I'm trying to make sure I preserve the good while working out the bad. But it's been confusing. 

    So, I hope that I'm not the only one learning. I hope other people see what truly happened in my life and learn something from it. Whatever they may learn. I want them to learn something. I don't want to be the only one learning. I don't want to be bubble boy. I just want to be. Without being miserable. Preferably. But alive is good too. It's just wierd how people move back and forth between "You're not taking us seriously enough" and "Don't be so serious. Relax." Relaxing can be hard to do. 

OK

    Anger is a natural human emotion. It helps us learn about trust. It tells us when our boundaries have been violated. It helps us learn about the world. It helps other people learn about us. What's ok. What's not OK. Some things are not OK. But at a certain point its time to stop being angry. While learning from what caused the anger. That's why I want people to learn about woodruff road. So the world can have less anger. But denying anger makes it worse. I don't remember any apologies from the wrongdoers. That's what bothers me. But I cant let what happened control me. No matter how wrong it was nor how many red flags were missed. Because the world isn't responsible for my anger. Projecting my anger against people who did no wrong or continuing to be angry at unrepentant people makes no sense. I can't force people to recognize thier errors. I can't force people to repent. I am not justice. I'm a person.