Good Morning, Greenville Healthcare

    Dis is your faborite arachnid, Spidey! A warm shout out to the angels ob di Nort wing ob di Castle! Serbin di fiercest since 1969!

    On to di wedder! Today's high is 92, and its going to be sunny. Grab your sunscreen, vampiric bats, gonna be anudder scorcher!

    In udder noose, the Supreme Court just limited the FDA authority over tobacco. Looks like that nicotine gum may be less useful. It's been hailed as a win for vape venders.

    There has been a recall on Rachael's Ginger Beer. It has been containimated with bad cucumbers. The recall was issued June 18th. 

    The FDA allowed a manufacturer in India to continue shipping prescription medications to the US despite quality violations in the manufacturing process, including mold, foul water, faulty testing, and dirty conditions affecting 150 medications stocked in American pharmacies. The violations were discovered in 2022, but were not revealed or corrected, because it would have caused "some kind of frenzy". 

Volly

 

Volly, look, they're finally doing it! A perfect formation!

Combinations

    I'm finally breaking my combinations. Cleaned out my professionals, isolated myself from social influences, de-numbified and de-drugged, took control of my healthcare, took control of my life, de-perfectionated... re-educated myself and took some guilt and anger off my plate. It was definitely a mistake to go gonzo with hospital insurance as a minor and drug it up. I needed to deal with my problems, controlling and toxic personalities that were in my life. People that wouldn't take no for an answer and were never satisfied. Been kicked around too long. 

    Some people were desperate for me to have bipolar. Because it avoids all responsibility. It puts the blame on the genetics and the drugs. Not on the relationships and the miseducation where it belongs. DID truly is a social problem. It's all about façades and lies and bad combinations. It's about a lack of communication. And it leads to things like not being able to maintain employment, unstable relationships, dysregulation, and risky behavior. And Hospitals have trouble unwinding that kind of stuff because you've got to treat the whole problem, not just part of it. And sometimes the world does not want to change, no matter how much an individual wants to change. 

    So, I've been making it excruciatingly obvious to the people around me what's not ok. Little by little. And I've cut them out and I'm waiting to see if they change. So that I can consider whether to let them back in. Again, 2 comas. It's been enough. 

    The quiet life can be quite nice. Less keeping up with the joneses and a slower pace. If I can keep improving that credit score and find some healthier people to have in my life, then I'll be ok. 

Clozanno 3

This is year 3 without clozaril. I don't regret it. I feel more connected to myself. More genuine. This is who I really am deep down. This is me. I just don't have the energy.

Desire

Pools of blue and straw haired blonde

Lighting up my soul and beyond

Stars so bright shine in her eyes

And yet my heart her words deny

Drawing me inexorably towards

A kiss, a caress the highest reward

And when our eyes come forth to meet

Sparks will fly and hearts will beat

Truth it only runs from lies

At the sight my soul, it sighs

With the grace of an angel's flight

She returns my gaze with infinite sight.

Safe

The thing is, they did keep me safe. And I know they've put the blood, sweat and tears in. I just wanted it to be nicer. So I try again.  I pursue the jobs. I do the writing and drawing. The world seems so very different. I'm trying to make sure I go in the right direction.  So I can show them. 

 

    Spidey go easy on di health care werkers. Ebbyday. Gonna get webby. Make a whole new batch ob cobwebs while Jess looks for werk and Ashes files taxes. Make a pretty one for Krystal. Got some canvas arribing today. 

    I'm really pushing on this. I've been to a lot of hospitals. MIP has the poem, Springbrook never got theirs but it's on the poems page. What should I draw for krystal? I'm going impressionist, I think. Yes. I'm going to try to paint an impression of her. Remember, I'm new at this painting

Spidey a liddle slow on di uptake. Gonna do sumting real special. Spidey learn. Molly determined. Spidey give back.

Delusional

    I do like being delusional sometimes. It helps me to forgive. If I don't like something, well maybe it didn't really happen. Maybe xyz wasn't said or done. Even if im certain it was, maybe I can be delusional about it. Thats what I like about being delusional.  Sometimes its better when things didn't really happen.

Safety

Everyone deserves to feel safe in their home and at thier job. I don't wish harm to anyone in Greenville County. I've had some concerns about diagnoses and medications. But health care workers need to be safe and well treated. They need breaks and vacations. It helps them to remember why they do what they do. To remember who they are. To keep them fresh so they can take good care of the people. 

Justice Revisited

     Now it makes more sense. See, it doesn't matter what happened on Woodruff Road or under Church Street, because they didn't understand Autism or trauma as well back then and one is retired and the other has already been spoken to. 

    And looking back, I know I needed to understand first Prichards and Leaves, then I went to Springbrook to understand the drugs and the labels a little better, and then I had to go back to MIP to understand what role Arson and MIP played in all this. And it really was a misunderstanding of Autism and trauma that became known as Bipolar for me. Again, I think Clarity is right, that the CAPD and ADHD are mild. So then that means that I can focus on now, I think. The work, the writing, the finding someone. Though I feel like health care professionals understand this stuff better and I'd like to find someone who understands it. 

    Definitely black box warning on ritalin. 

Flappy

 

Thinking of Krystal makes me flappy.

Krystal

     Krystal works at MIP as a mental health Technician. Her real name starts with a K or a C, I can't remember. She has those blue eyes and the blonde hair. She's quiet, contemplative around me. She strikes me as intelligent and kind. I wish I could know her. But maybe that's why I shouldn't go back. I need to focus. She was so beautiful. I didn't ask her much. Maybe this doesn't help my reputation but I'm human.

The Process of Frustration

    I need to put this in a book. I keep getting distracted. Frustration can come fast and hard in the form of betrayal, or slow and steady in the form of burnout. 

    Betrayal can look like someone you trusted misdiagnosing you and trying to sabotage your counselor. It also look like someone you were in charge of the care of doing something like reporting you to an agency or threatening people or misusing information that they were trusted with. 

    Burnout is more of that slow and steady, day after day, why do I have to deal with these people still after all this time, the same problems, the same old BS. Pushing too hard, doing too much, getting in trouble and getting overwhelmed. 

    Maybe the hospital was right to stop the ritalin. Black Box. 

Good News

     I got some good news today. The tax service I applied to wants to interview me. I need to balance. I reopened my accounting website, applied to jobs, and I'm trying to work on my writing and this advocacy so that's a lot. I need to focus on managing my medication correctly, counseling, and these work things plus mailing in my taxes and my insurance renewal. 

    I need to go easy on the healthcare workers. I was angry about the Bipolar BS and my former Psychiatrist. But it's time to put that away for good. I have AS, mild ADHD/CAPD, and cPTSD/DID. I need to stop visiting Psych Hospitals. I need to focus. I can't afford to fool around. We can get past a misdiagnosis if we don't repeat past mistakes.