GOOD MORNING GREENVILLE COUNTY

    DIS IS SPIDEY, YOR FABORITE ARACHNID! A warm shout out to all di Black Widows ob di area! Be careful what you eat! It may just be your mate!

    Onto di Wedder... Today will be anudder scorcher! Highs will be hitting 90, so make sure you hydrate! 

    In udder noose, INDEPENDENCE DAY APPROACHES, so stock your barbecue and prepare to watch di parade!

Gambling

 

Dear Elle,

    I'd better hope I know what I'm doing. This is a different type of gamble. I don't know how much change is possible. But I want to believe. How much can I do? I'm trying to trust.

    I didn't have much choice in the hospital. There was an agenda from the beginning. I could not engage with it. The staff was misguided and distracted by my past. The patients were hateful and ignorant. Not just towards me. I had to shut them out. Defense mechanism. 

    But it worked. Now I just need the follow through. Hopefully I can manage that. I guess you can't always protect me. I certainly can't protect you now. Maybe I can protect myself.

Ashes

Sleep

     The quality of my sleep seems to be increasing. I'm encouraged by the support I have received over social media. I'm going to keep trying to think positive because I know there are people rooting for me. Maybe not all of them understand, but they are rooting for me, and I want to make the work worth it. I'm getting in the habit of leaving the tv on during the day to reinforce a sense of normalcy and improve focus. I know there are people that want me to see this through, slow learner that I may be. This is my fight. I've got to be stubborn about it.

Why go back to brownelle?

Maybe i needed to remember

Maybe i needed to understand

Maybe i needed to forget

Take di hint? Spidey???? Nebber.

Promises to keep

Dear Elle,

I miss you. I trust you. I won't let you down.

Remember,

Ashes

God is watching us.

Reminders to selves

2: Stop expecting people to understand

3: Don't spend time with people who pick fights

Relentless

Relentless in my passion, I will not seek surrender

Resolute in my reasons, I always insist to remember

When the echoes of the past return to call my bitter name

The memories lost and will I had return and shall remain.

My companions, I must shed like the dregs of yesterday

Though they mean me well at times, I must find my way

Forward is the future sought, and they are just the past

Gratitude I hold for them, but some things cannot last.

Volly

 

Volly, they're conspiring aimlessly... Now zee legged one is at it again! Fly me here! Fly me there! Volly, I can't do this alone!

Sleep/Spacey/irritable

I've really not been sleeping much. And my sinuses are nuts. So im taking severe sinus every four hours. I don't know what the world wants from me that I have and can give. It seems like people always want. And never satisfied. They always want more. 

Gender Conformance

    While I don't like to get political, and I'm not gay nor dating anyone I find myself somewhat gender nonconforming. I find I identify with females more than many men. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not. For starters, most men do not keep websites based on things like mental health. I remember the psychology program at clemson. It was at most 20% male. Accounting was more balanced. 

    Sometimes it makes for awkward moments. You think a situation is on a platonic level or the other way around, and suddenly you realize it's not. Or someone misinterprets something non-sexual as being sexual. And then there's problems. Especially when people are obsessed with appearances. And then every interaction becomes a weapon. Which I can't talk to certain people anymore. I'm tired. I'm sick of being micro analyzed by people who can't mind their own business. 

Attachments

    Healthcare and attachments can be complicated. Having a father who worked in medicine makes things complicated. I definitely have a way of shutting down or going into a freeze state with healthcare. 

    So, I was reviewing the extent of my crimes. I ran a background check on a nurse and texted her, I hugged a PA (after asking) and her staff started referring to me as her boyfriend (and she was married), and this was after getting into a dispute with my ex-psychiatrist regarding medication. Around the same time, things got heated at the tax office, I was verbally assaulted multiple times, and one of the offices was vandalized, so I bought a Taser. I have a long history of depression and PTSD and sometimes say things that alarm people. So, buying a Taser was considered a no-no. Then that thing at 17. Threatened someone. 

Perfection

 I think the appearance of perfection is misleading. That is why I do not correct all grammar errors or try to have the perfect website. I think it creates the wrong impression. I do not want to be seen as perfect. It's a bad idea.

Simple

    When I was little, my first dream was to be a cop. Just a low level, normal cop. All this working on myself reminds me of how I missed the boat on simplicity. Became entirely too complicated. I need to be simpler. Trying to be complicated isn't working out. 

    I mean, seriously, I'm trying to run a Upstate healthcare group, write, do accounting, find someone, do counseling, and clean up my relationships. If you consider all the subtasks, it seems like a lot. Trying to please everyone and pleasing no one. Getting rather angry at it.

Distracted

    One of the blessings of my life recently is how seldom my phone rings. Life is full of distractions. People determined for one reason or another to grab my attention. That's why I like writing. You can pick it up or put it down. You can take it with you. You can put it away.

    Auditory stimulation is much less voluntary. I mean, there's podcasts and audiobooks. I'm so tired of talking to some people. So tired of pretending to care. 

    I just want to emphasize again that I don't actually want to hurt anyone, and I no longer have Elle's information. It was a mistake. She was never in danger. She looked out for me. She's gone now. That's all there is to it. 

    I need to work on my recall and my thought cohesion. These weird headaches to me indicate either DID or TBI. Either way, I don't think that's a sign that more mental manipulation is a good idea.

Cooks in the Kitchen

     Artstick liked to say, you can't have too many cooks in the kitchen. She's right. But that goes beyond medicine into the psychological and into hobbies and general life. Too many people in charge is a bad thing. Too many influences is a bad thing. That Social Determinates of Health thing got me thinking a while back. There are so many influences that affect a person's wellbeing. I'm just glad life is getting quieter. 

    Hopefully, no one is going to push me too hard, and I'll be ok. They tell me I'll be ok if I don't push too hard. Slow and steady, not too much excitement. Some people are never satisfied for even one second. Unfortunately, some things are permanent. Unfortunately, mistakes made 5, 10, 20 years ago can have permanent consequences. The thing I need to do now is maintain. 

    I need to focus on building new social connections and my writing. Maybe when I've been stable for a while I can retake the EA exam. But I need to spend time focusing on my health and my home and these social connections. I've had too many doctors stirring the pot. And technically, Artstick is still in charge. So, everyone else needs to stay the hell out of the kitchen. 

    Spravato is a new medication. Any medication has risks. I know my team has factored in the disaster that was March and adjusted accordingly. What happened was in truth, an acute reaction to Spravato that had no identifiable connection to hemp products.