Learning

 Dear Joe,

    I have to trust that these people, collectively, know what they are doing. I relied on Spravato too much, I'm getting the right help. The anger is better; the blood pressure is better. I really am coming back. I'm trying to be patient. She's helping me understand trust. 

    I guess when people don't actually know how to help, actual help can look like insurance fraud without transparency. That's why I have to do these letters. To be transparent about what I do with my time. I do it so people will know the truth about DID, Bipolar Bullshit, medicalized perfection, and all the rest. 

    I do this so that people don't make stupid assumptions about me dating my counselors. If you're not a Certified Complex Trauma Professional level 2 or higher (I don't know all the levels), then you really don't have anything to say. If you don't have the test results and the necessary expertise to interpret them, then you have nothing to say. 

    I need to take care of myself. I need to have good boundaries with people and effective trust. Effective trust means speaking the truth, giving people the information that they need, the information that is pertinent to them and that will help them to do right. It means not buying into bullshit. It means respecting privacy. 

    People that have poor judgment, people that are hateful, they open their traps without knowing the facts. They make ASS out of U and Me PTIONS. It makes us all look stupid. But my counselor is helping me learn about these things. I'm trying to understand these things. So that I can be more effective in the real world. I'm not the best communicator. And I mislearned about legalized drugs. I need you to trust me like I need Elle and the others to trust. Then life can be less complicated. 

    I thought there was nearly going to be a riot in that ward. But I can't engage with ignorance. I need calm waters. I do care about people. The world does have other problems. I just need to make sure that I'm managing mine and not perpetuating ignorance. I'm no criminal mastermind. I'm not dating anyone. Maybe I'm a slow learner, but I'm learning. 

    I can't keep ending up in these hospitals. It's not helpful. So, I'm keeping my distance when necessary. I'm slow, but I'm learning. It's taking me a while to see the full picture. But when I see glimpses of it, I know my place is out here, understanding all of these people and how to be a part of what they do. Communicating better. Having better boundaries and trust. Managing my pace and keeping my peace. 

Ashes

Trust and hospitals

    So now I'm learning about trust and "don't spread your trauma". I'm learning about lies and secrets. Though I'm pretty sure by "don't spread your trauma" they didn't mean write about this. Oh well. Because the fact is, I was misled. The fact is, in the 90s we didn't understand autism and trauma as well. The fact is, I don't actually have Bipolar. But I understand why they did what they did. They had limited options. 

    But trust can be hard. Telling people the truth is a risk. I had to protect myself. And I did. And then I can be delusional about the rest. It was all just a dream. A nightmare of a dream. I can't play games with these people. It's too dangerous. I also can't pretend I don't need the meds. Because some problems are real. Some diagnoses are real. Just not Bipolar.

GOOD MORNING GREENVILLE COUNTY

    DIS IS SPIDEY, YOR FABORITE ARACHNID! A warm shout out to all di Black Widows ob di area! Be careful what you eat! It may just be your mate!

    Onto di Wedder... Today will be anudder scorcher! Highs will be hitting 90, so make sure you hydrate! 

    In udder noose, INDEPENDENCE DAY APPROACHES, so stock your barbecue and prepare to watch di parade!

Gambling

 

Dear Elle,

    I'd better hope I know what I'm doing. This is a different type of gamble. I don't know how much change is possible. But I want to believe. How much can I do? I'm trying to trust.

    I didn't have much choice in the hospital. There was an agenda from the beginning. I could not engage with it. The staff was misguided and distracted by my past. The patients were hateful and ignorant. Not just towards me. I had to shut them out. Defense mechanism. 

    But it worked. Now I just need the follow through. Hopefully I can manage that. I guess you can't always protect me. I certainly can't protect you now. Maybe I can protect myself.

Ashes

Sleep

     The quality of my sleep seems to be increasing. I'm encouraged by the support I have received over social media. I'm going to keep trying to think positive because I know there are people rooting for me. Maybe not all of them understand, but they are rooting for me, and I want to make the work worth it. I'm getting in the habit of leaving the tv on during the day to reinforce a sense of normalcy and improve focus. I know there are people that want me to see this through, slow learner that I may be. This is my fight. I've got to be stubborn about it.

Why go back to brownelle?

Maybe i needed to remember

Maybe i needed to understand

Maybe i needed to forget

Take di hint? Spidey???? Nebber.

Promises to keep

Dear Elle,

I miss you. I trust you. I won't let you down.

Remember,

Ashes

God is watching us.

Reminders to selves

2: Stop expecting people to understand

3: Don't spend time with people who pick fights

Relentless

Relentless in my passion, I will not seek surrender

Resolute in my reasons, I always insist to remember

When the echoes of the past return to call my bitter name

The memories lost and will I had return and shall remain.

My companions, I must shed like the dregs of yesterday

Though they mean me well at times, I must find my way

Forward is the future sought, and they are just the past

Gratitude I hold for them, but some things cannot last.

Volly

 

Volly, they're conspiring aimlessly... Now zee legged one is at it again! Fly me here! Fly me there! Volly, I can't do this alone!

Sleep/Spacey/irritable

I've really not been sleeping much. And my sinuses are nuts. So im taking severe sinus every four hours. I don't know what the world wants from me that I have and can give. It seems like people always want. And never satisfied. They always want more. 

Gender Conformance

    While I don't like to get political, and I'm not gay nor dating anyone I find myself somewhat gender nonconforming. I find I identify with females more than many men. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not. For starters, most men do not keep websites based on things like mental health. I remember the psychology program at clemson. It was at most 20% male. Accounting was more balanced. 

    Sometimes it makes for awkward moments. You think a situation is on a platonic level or the other way around, and suddenly you realize it's not. Or someone misinterprets something non-sexual as being sexual. And then there's problems. Especially when people are obsessed with appearances. And then every interaction becomes a weapon. Which I can't talk to certain people anymore. I'm tired. I'm sick of being micro analyzed by people who can't mind their own business. 

Attachments

    Healthcare and attachments can be complicated. Having a father who worked in medicine makes things complicated. I definitely have a way of shutting down or going into a freeze state with healthcare. 

    So, I was reviewing the extent of my crimes. I ran a background check on a nurse and texted her, I hugged a PA (after asking) and her staff started referring to me as her boyfriend (and she was married), and this was after getting into a dispute with my ex-psychiatrist regarding medication. Around the same time, things got heated at the tax office, I was verbally assaulted multiple times, and one of the offices was vandalized, so I bought a Taser. I have a long history of depression and PTSD and sometimes say things that alarm people. So, buying a Taser was considered a no-no. Then that thing at 17. Threatened someone. 

Perfection

 I think the appearance of perfection is misleading. That is why I do not correct all grammar errors or try to have the perfect website. I think it creates the wrong impression. I do not want to be seen as perfect. It's a bad idea.

Simple

    When I was little, my first dream was to be a cop. Just a low level, normal cop. All this working on myself reminds me of how I missed the boat on simplicity. Became entirely too complicated. I need to be simpler. Trying to be complicated isn't working out. 

    I mean, seriously, I'm trying to run a Upstate healthcare group, write, do accounting, find someone, do counseling, and clean up my relationships. If you consider all the subtasks, it seems like a lot. Trying to please everyone and pleasing no one. Getting rather angry at it.