Darkness Until Dawn

Friday, July 4, 2025

Maintainance day

I previously installed new flappers in the toilets. Today i installed a new seat on the downstairs. Shopping for a new seat for the upstairs. Changing the filters and cleaning the floors. Getting rid of some more junk.

Gender Conformance and Non-Binary

Maybe part of the confusion around me with the whole "is he gay or is he straight" thing is that I am told that in part due to past experiences (from what I understand) I have developed in a non-gender conforming way. This may explain why I picked a female internist beyond just the fact that I was having a bad experience with MDs. Beyond the fact that she reminds me of a childhood friend. I was definitely having trouble with male practitioners. There are risks for a male having a female practitioner. But male-male isn't always the answer. Not to me. To me, it does not make sense, the rigid gender dictation. And I like my internist. She's kind. I do not do well with rigid gender enforcers. We tend to go at each other. That does not make sense to me.

For Elle

You know that love is meant to be
A gift of grace that lasts forever
And I'm glad you were there by me
To help me keep myself together

You should know, everywhere I go
Always on my mind, in my heart
In my soul

You're a leader in my life
You're the inspiration
You give reasons for my life
You're the inspiration

Wanna have you hear me
I wanna have you hear me sayin'

You were there when I needed you, it's true
And I know, yes I know that I need it plain to see
How you helped keep me together
And I know that could not be just me
Whom you helped to learn to shine

You should know, everywhere I go
Always on my mind, in my heart
In my soul

You're a leader in my life
You're the inspiration
You give reasons for my life
You're the inspiration

Wanna have you hear me
I wanna have you hear me sayin'
You were there when I needed you, it's true
And I know, yes I know that I need it plain to see
How you helped keep me together
And I know that could not be just me
Whom you helped to learn to shine

You're a leader in my life
You're the inspiration
You give reasons for my life
You're the inspiration

When you save somebody
Through the weight of time
You kept my spirit alive
When you save somebody through the weight of time
When you save somebody
Always on my mind

Skye

Skye came to me when I was 17. She was there to help me. When I was alone, I always had Skye. She was quiet. She listened and gave me the words I needed. She was gentle and kind. Wise. Like an angel. I didn't tell anyone about Skye until I was 39, I think. But I put her in my stories. I put her in The Keepers of the Dragon, some stories I wrote when I was a teenager.

Inspired

I feel these experiences have inspired me in some way to dig deeper into my compassion. I just hope I have what this world needs. Because you never know what comes next. No one can predict the future. We can only learn from the past. Hopefully, we're learning.

Understanding

I feel like I have to remind myself daily to not expect people to understand. Just like some of the things I heard on Crisisline, SH, and JV seemed beyond understanding, there are parts of my life that other people might not understand. I can't expect understanding. What I can do is to keep my business to myself in the real world. The whole "don't spread your trauma" thing that MIP was going on about. I've got to focus on my writing and on getting my business going and finding someone. I can't afford distractions. I trust the outpatient team. That's enough.