Blood Pressure

 Well, it went back up again. 144/87. I'd better update the psychiatrist. Tomorrow it's the picking up of the meds, calling the internist, and visiting the house again. Y'all know who you are. Don't get too involved in this shit. You know my name. Use it if you need to. But this blood pressure thing has to have my attention right now. My foot is usually best in the middle of the day. So that's when I'll do my necessary driving. Medication refill. Go by the house. Counseling checks on me at 2. This is my life. now you all can see. This is it. day by day. Is it pretty? This is me trying to mind my own business. Not cause harm. This is it. You don't have to see me. You don't have to know me. You can mind your own business too. For me it has to revolve around doctors and symptoms. No Center or person with letters after their name can change that. I don't know how much you want me to do. But my body is only so strong. The medical tests can't be faked. I'm not that creative. Unless you want a medical following me around to keep the records, you may have to rely on the numbers in the charts and the numbers that I get. I'm not so creative that I can create patterns. I'm not interested in trying. I'd like to work out the problems I have and not endanger anyone. Pretend you don't know me if you don't like it. Just find me a little less interesting, if you could. You've got other things to talk about and to do. It's not like I said to myself, well maybe I'd like to be medically complex. I didn't come up with the term. They gave it to me. One of their brilliant ideas. I'm trying to pick up fewer ideas. Stick with the long lists on the charts. All the letters. I'm trying to let those letters stay on the charts. focus on reality. Right now that's the blood pressure. There's only so much more I want to know. 

Name Avoidance Disorder

    How many names do I need to know? Seriously? Do I need to know everyone's name? But oh no, he doesn't know this person's name or that person's name!! National Emergency. Call 911, he doesn't know my name! How many names do I really need to know? 

    If they ask me to consult XYZ one more, I'm going to go ballistic. He is not the only doctor in this world, and it really is pissing the doctors off to have other doctors giving feedback. It's not ethical. We need to take that name down a few notches. It's pissing people off. If I have to be the one to say it, then I'll say it for the benefit of the community. It's just a name. Take it down a few notches.

    Some people in particular need to hear that and they're rather pissed off at me right now. There are other people in this community and people with my last name do not need to be controlling the community or causing chaos. It's getting old. They're getting pissed off. It's just a name and people with this name do not know everything. Including but not limited to myself.

Ethics and Control

    The thing about people with letters, the doctors, the social workers, the counselors... They don't like being manipulated. They don't like it when you don't follow their instructions, they don't like having opinions fed to them, they don't like not being included in decisions, they don't like other people with letters interfering, and don't like being gossiped about. I've made these mistakes. But these people with letters don't stop interfering with each other, then shit storm gets worse. LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS. DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM. DON'T FEED THEM OPINIONS. I CAN'T CONTROL THEM ANYMORE THEN YOU CAN. And if you have letters after your name and someone with letters finds out you contradicted your instructions for someone under your care, that really pisses you off. 

    The internist said stay at home. STAY AT HOME. HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND. AM I GONNA HAVE TO RECORD HER VOICE AND PLAY IT BACK FOR YOU? IS THAT WHAT IT TAKES? YOU THINK SHE APPRECIATES THIS? No, you want me running around town. If my right foot is numb when I'm driving, what then? The walking is easier then the more targeted motions like driving. There is common sense here somewhere.

    You people with letters better mind your own damn business and stop interfering with each other. It's not helpful. It's really the Internist, the Psychiatrist, and the Counselor I need to follow right now. The GI doc, I just take the prilosec each AM and watch my diet. The neurologist did her job. The Psychiatrist, I have to schedule the appointment because they refused to coordinate care and I'll have to drive to that place or do the video appointment and he hates when I do the video but I really do not think I need to be driving a lot of places and that particular place is not easy to drive to. YOU THINK YOU CAN COORDINATE A LITTLE BETTER ER/MEMORIAL? Anyways. I suppose I could message the psychiatrist about moving the refill so I can drive to my place and go to the pharmacy right near it instead of driving multiple places. They just love hearing from me. No, they are not going to be happy till I'm running around town. They got a schedule to keep. 

    Just took my morning meds. doing the calm app. If I'm good at communicating in writing then maybe that's what I should do. I'll journal every single day. That'll be your communication know you don't like it. But when I say my say my voice isn't great, again, and again and again... well maybe there's something to that. When I say my voice isn't good, do I need a letter from the neurologist saying that i shouldn't talk much? I like to rest it. I'll need to check the blood pressure again at noon. trying to get it below 125/80. when the lower number goes above 80, that seems to be when my foot doesn't work as well. The left one is rather perky.

    No people will always be pissed off I don't say much. Some people don't say much and do just fine. If I can be ok with it, why can't other people? communicating visually isn't a crime. Gets on people's nerves. I don't speak loudly. Not for long periods. 

    I need to wash up. Check my blood pressure around noon, then try to go by my place to get it ready for the repairs. Tomorrow I'll have to focus on getting to the hospital to get that medication. How hard can it be to get an LPC, an internist, and a psychiatrist to work together and mind my own business? Keep the rest of the snakes at bay? Gonna have to find out, day by day. The rest of the people with letters have done their jobs. There's only so many places you can ship me. And if I keep driving like this, that would contradict pretty much all the people with letters. Yet you want me running around town, from here to there? Brilliant. Keep it up. Soon we'll all be dead. Soon we'll be having wellness checks from public safety. That'll make you real happy, won't it? You think police want to worry about me? you think they don't have enough on their plate? Without wellness checks and stuff like that? You think people driving around without feeling in my right foot?

Sunday, Medical

     Yesterday my blood pressure was 129/88. My right foot still tingles and stops responding at times. The headaches and weird head sensations have calmed down. I think that was more stress. Still some chest pain yesterday. Liver occasionally feels weird. Trying to make sure I take the Prilosec on the empty stomach and the others with food. 

    I've come out of a coma twice. My body is not that strong. You'd better wipe those damn smiles off your faces. This shit isn't funny. 

    I really don't need fancy things. I need to not be running around town, exhausting myself when my body doesn't reliably function. I need to not have to call EMS. I need to avoid stress and allergens, which happen to occur in many places around town. I mean right now my right foot barely moves! And you want me driving? Brilliant. I have to keep people safe too. How many EMTS and doctors have to tell me to rest and take care of myself before people get the point? You don't just "FIX" these things with drugs and support groups. It takes time. It takes rest. If I want to mind my own business and take care of my body, then maybe that's what I should do, instead of getting another doctor or counselor or somebody with letters after their name telling me to do that. 

    Hallucinations can come from all sorts of things. Medication, lack of blood sugar, lack of oxygen, and yes, mental illness. I know they are not real. 

    I don't have a problem with the internist and yet they want more opinions. Just yesterday they wanted me to ask my brother. You think the doctors appreciate that? you gonna let them do their job? They have medical degrees too. maybe they would appreciate being allowed to do their job without other doctors being involved. They've mentioned that a time or two. Not the internist. Not yet anyways. But you keep this shit up, then yeah no one will want to work with me simply because there's too many opinions involved. Less opinions would be fantastic. We can't control the world people. It pisses people off. I can handle some pain. Within limits. If I didn't think I had problems then I would be running around, doing stupid shit. Yet I'm at home trying to take care of myself. SMART MAYBE?

    Yeah, I get frustrated. Everybody gets frustrated. I'd rather not spread it around. From this center to that center. Everybody knows the list of diagnoses. Alphabet soup. It's on the charts, so what does it matter? I need to go around talking to people about that shit? I don't think so. I don't have a referral to gateway house. How's phoenix going to help with this? You want me to pass out driving? you want someone to have to call EMS? You think people like seeing this shit? 

    I don't know how to help people. I'm trying to help myself. What are they going to learn about VNS? The neurologist gets nervous about it. Maybe I should be too. Gotta take something seriously. You don't want me embarrassing people or making them uncomfortable or having medical emergencies? Maybe I should rest. Eat. sleep. avoid stress. The things that have worked since the beginning of time. 

    If I can think clearly enough to say something useful, I'll say it. Otherwise, I'll keep my silence. I don't need a lot of conversation. The left foot almost always feels 100% normal. It's just the right one. I guess it's my dominant foot. Right-handed. Maybe with the stress and relying on my right side too much. But I have had alternating sensations on the right or left side of my body. I don't know exactly what that means. It mostly comes out in the face. Sometimes I feel twitchy. Right foot is barely moving. I'm supposed to work the different parts of my body regularly. So I get up and I walk, Stretch, that kinda thing. Just basic stuff. I'd rather not shoot my mouth off in public right now. Sometimes I say weird shit. And typing is easier then talking. Especially when people are lying to you. Trying to manipulate you. They can read. They got letters after their names, most of them.

    Yeah I like music. I like the Calm app. I used it a lot yesterday. The breathing exercises, the mood check ins, the music with the frequencies that enhance sleep. The sleep enhancing music was a god send. Right there on my phone. Didn't need to talk to anyone. Helped me just fine. I've been trying to get more regular with that app. I get bored, I get frustrated. The tinnitus isn't so bad. Sometimes I think about getting earplugs from the store. Then I worry that I might not hear something important. The CPAP seems to be doing fine, other then that filter door being broke and me not being able to change the filters properly. Tried to fix it. The supply store gave me the run around. The doctor said I had another two years before it could be replaced. That was about a year ago. So I wash the tubing, the mask, and the chamber, and I replace the tubing and mask, and I fill it with the distilled water. 

    And I listen to people complain about my medical problems and my counselor and my doctors and then I listen to the doctors complain that I'm not following instructions and we're back to the blame game. Funny that the only person not trying to blame someone is my counselor. Funny that they'll never give her credit for doing her job. You wanna demonize someone? demonize me if you have to. Give the other people a rest maybe? it's pissing them off. And someone will end up dead or seriously injured if this shit doesn't stop. Get off your high horses. You're not that smart. You're not that great. Do your damn jobs, keep your mouths shut. Mind your own damn business. Don't make me contact SCDHEC or DSS. I can make reports just fine. I really do not like to. 

I've got to get to that hospital to get the Seroquel refill. by tomorrow. Not feeling great about driving or especially going to that hospital but they insist on filling it there and they refuse to transfer it to my pharmacy. That's been a major issue for me. But God forbid I ask someone for help. To even drive somewhere for me. I need my headphones. It helps with the music. Better go eat something.