Distress Tolerance

Spidey a liddle sensitive. Maybe a liddle more distress tolerance. Everything on a spectrum. Past experience puts people on all the spectrums. 

I think I'm seeing patterns too. Hypersensitivity from childhood chaos. Goes in different directions. Hypermedicalization. 

Multilingual family = Central Auditory Processing Disorder

Academic success oriented =adhd

Toxic masculinity = bipolar 

Failure or guilty conscience = depression 

Not enough time outside = allergies

Too much medical = rebound or chronic inflammation 

Cbt = idealization and unrealistic thinking

Dbt = reality

Eastern medicine = more harmony based, less fixit

Autism = sensory chaos in general

Well, I think MIP was overshooting. I think I need to be delusional on occasion. Otherwise, I check out. 

Trends

Russia has dropped, China disappeared like FBI work, Russia slightly up, Singapore down, and US up.

Past Week

Past 3 months

Rambling

    This is when I need to do my crazy old man thing and ramble. So, if you'll indulge my delusionality, I hear things from time to time. Being concerned as I am. In a slightly fixated way. I'm feeling some resentment. About being pushed. Psychologically. Around. And the egotistical types that do the pushing. But maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion. Yet I want to help people. And I feel like... I've not been able to. I need a lot of space. I need to separate from different groups of people. There are certain things I need to not think about. I can't be on everyone's side at once. I certainly can't defend Prichards to Springbrook. I can't play Springbrook vs mip. And im certainly not finding a new Center or provider to blame. I trusted what artstick was doing. Like leaves and Elle and in a way prichards, she had to go away. Vacations are good. They are. Sometimes people need to go away. Like me from memorial or me from... well Springbrook... and me from mip and me from a lot of people and places. Other people have to go away too. Like divorce and emergencies. I just need to be careful what I say and do. That's all. Like a mental vacation. I gotta take breaks. That's what I need. Slowing down. Simpler. Not sure what to do or how exactly to do it. Going different directions. Not needing too much attention. Mind my own business again. Need to be careful. Too bad artsticks not here. Hard to trust doctors. But they don't trust me either so. We have something in common. But the PA is helping.

    So I need to be delusional now and then. About ER doctors lying. About ERs playing games. About state funded hospitals being dysfunctional. And then public health and the fbi can judge my delusionality. 

Trust

What some people think is funny, I consider serious, and vice versa. People can take things all sorts of ways, so in group settings it's important to be careful what you encourage. That's why I'm concerned about hospitals. Because some providers coming out of those hospitals have done dangerous things. I didn't have the right boundaries. I misplaced trust in some major ways. Maybe people knew less then. Maybe some Psychiatrists simply prefer to ignore established research that they don't understand and don't want to understand. I need to be able to trust. be less angry. And I can't be honest with people that lie to me. I can't protect liars. Or overmedicators.

Plan

    Ok, so here's my idea. That Arson gave me. What we can do is improve the system. Granted, I never worked in audit and my memory isn't totally cohesive, but... If we do this Patch Adams style... keeping in mind the deteriorative effect of trauma on health, we can improve South Carolina Health care. One ego centric doctor at a time.

I just need to be careful...

because I'm narrowing down a list of lawsuits. Against clozapine manufacturers, McClean, the narcissist, and his script happy friend(s). And contemplating the finer points of racketeering. Free of intimidation or extortion. Maybe rambling delusionarily. When I hear of illegal activity. It's just the birds talking. Never you mind.

Allergist

    The allergist's office is funny. Oh they crack me up. The nurse. She's hilarious. She literally quotes the doctor. Quotation marks. Then she lists her degree and her certification. Every time. Like, yes, I do have a Bachelor's degree TYMV. Yes, I do have an RN, thank you very much. No, I don't want to hug you, TYVM. Two ENT recs. Maybe they can figure this deviated septum thing better then Mister Part of the Club. Maybe some medical is necessary. But MIP old guard went on a tear.

Channels

I do feel like a fish. 

There are people who want to influence me. I don't enjoy being obsessed with a mission. A calling. They don't like the one that I chose. But I have to finish what I started. And the result is not up to me. Public Health and the government decide. That's the way it should be. People decide. Not one person or specific close interests. The public. You would not be satisfied with law enforcement, my IT work, psychology. So now you get auditing. Fuller style. And who better? I know your game plans. I know your hospitals and your systems. I remember Springbrook almost as well as mip. I know your drugs and dsms. I have a job to do. I may be your demon... but not everyone's. And in the end, justice is blind. Too many witnesses. Too many eyes. I'm not actually museum piece. But if I have to be a public referendum, then a court must decide. As quietly or as loudly as you make necessary. ✨️ chronic inflammation. Medical complex trauma. Stockholm syndrome. Look it up. Now... names to change, delusions to adjust. People to ignore. I'm federal property. Until a court rules. God complexes to shut down. 

It's just really wierd...

how it seems like so many people had me figured or thought they did long before I did. I've been switching a long time now. Since childhood. Usually about 8. It doesn't go away. It integrates. The memory combines through new neural connections. My brain heals. That's all. And I can help. Slow down the hyper medicalization. 

Sometimes I wonder why people tell me some things.

I really do. Or find me interesting. My life is exciting in the wrong ways sometimes. I need to focus. But it has to be more then writing. I just worry about the directions I go in. Some people find me entirely too interesting. Psychiatrists, for example. 

Distracted

    I got distracted again. Thinking about life and law. I just find everything rather distracting. You know, elle said something back in the 90s. She said I was a trip. Reminds me of that lady I tutored. She was a psychiatric nurse. She wanted to open a community center. I think it was cost accounting. I was helping her learn how to run one. So maybe y'all could cut me some slack. You know? If I'm helping your own people. She was from West Virginia. we worked together several times.

Nuerologist

I waver between delusional and not so delusional, amused and not so amused. But this was kinda funny. She said to see my internist about the physical and a psychiatrist about the rest. In progress and done. Hmmm... yes... strange. Not related to VNS. Well, I didn't think so. I need to go to the library. I still question some of the life choices, but this gets tiresome. I really wouldn't isolate, but I think maybe it helps me focus. And I'm concerned. One of the old guard was at ccbh. He discharged me. Like they thought if I saw one of them, I'd simply forget what they did. No. Not quite that stupid. "Psychotic" or very much not... I'm not that stupid. I need to work on angry. Angry's a little upset. About the old guard. And their friends. Working together to keep me quiet. But, not my mess...

Journey

    So, we're on a journey. Just like Arson wanted. Human science experiment on a journey. To understand what medication can and can't do. And hopefully take clozapine off the market for good. Maybe discourage Harvard drug trials. Maybe shut down some God complexes. Maybe dismantle a cult. Welp, I drank the Kool-Aid. It's wearing off. You wonder why I'm weird? Why I'm so... hyper and tired and anxious and stuff? Well now you know. 

Forensic Psychiatrist Humor

How many Forensic Psychiatrists does it take to unscrew a DID? 

Only half the East Coast.

Dangerous

Sometimes pain is just pain. Sometimes people look at me like I'm dangerous. 

What I need is for people to understand the real danger. Prescription drugs. Doctors being too close. Because then it starts looking like racketeering. Insurance Fraud. Gambling with people's lives. Human Trafficking. Then I start thinking about Federal Agents moving in. SWAT teams. Filing reports. Social workers. Protection. Lives of crime dressed up as doctoring. Some people can't touch me now. Because I switched. I'm falling back on my accounting. My tax and audit. I have many questions. Many people do. I worry. But emotions aren't bad. Consciences aren't bad. Threats are bad. Extortion is bad. Intimidation and abuse is bad. This state has a problem. Revolving around clozapine and dirty doctors. Cleanup time is coming. 

Feet are doing better. Now it's head, face, back, sometimes digestive or respiratory. Sometimes my breathing becomes depressed. Sometimes I might stop breathing. But I'm getting rest and keeping professionals busy. Until this gets worked out.