Accounting Education

That accounting education is really coming back to help me. Auditing. Undue influence. Boundaries. It makes sense. 

I've been thinking about specialization, comparative advantage and Narcissism. Being too good, or thinking you are... reminds me of Nazis.

Functional

So, when I'm not doing the life stuff or playing that game (The nurses found my game play amusing), I've been thinking about how it ends. The chaos. You know, someone asked me once why I didn't sweat while working so hard in physical labor. Anger, Clozaril, Dissociation. That's how. A lack of connection to reality. Medicalized perfection. That is the chaos. 

How does it end? By not idealizing each other. By engaging with reality. By not dissociating. Oh, I know some dissociators. They'll deny it till the end of their days, most likely. Most of them are doctors. But I think everyone dissociates sometimes. The brain wants to rationalize its reality. Gets overworked trying to explain things that have no reasonable explanation. Burns out. Looks like ADHD, PTSD, Borderline, Bipolar, things like that. You can deny the research. You can engage with your lies. Don't ask me to. I'm too tired and too angry. It's a multistate clusterfuck. Sometimes people just need to back off, mind their own business. Take vacation. Change jobs. Meet other people. Or there's court dates and even criminal charges at the end of the road. 

I need to FOCUS on my life. On HELPING Public Health declusterfuck this. FREE of UNDUE influence. Then the government can decide the rest. They've been watching since 2020. Social Determinates of Health Screening. So it's not my problem anymore. It's the government's problem. But I really would like a judge to rule before I make any major decisions. It would give me peace of mind. Financial separation from my families. That would help. To make it stop. My own choices. Free of idealization and demonization. That would help. Because I am one person. And all I own is a disability savings. That's it. They control the rest. They lord it over me. Always have. 

So if there truly aren't sides. Then the government should say stop, so we can all sit down.

We have to stop the patterns. That's where auditing coming in. Rotations. Mandatory vacations and retirements. LISTENING TO FEEDBACK. Shutting down undue influence.

I think at this point, all of Greenville county can agree on ending medicalized perfection. Because unfortunately I'd have to die before they shut me up. Not threatening patients. Not lying to them.

Anything/Everything I Own

    See, I'm confident. That despite the fact that they own the house and the car, I won't be homeless. They won't threaten me. Not when there's people watching. Not when the hospitals, the FBI, Public Health, and just about the entire state of South Carolina knows pretty much everything. And I won't go back. Because I'm tired and on fewer meds like Clozaril. There's many names for my life. Fear of Harm is one. Stockholm syndrome is another. Overmedicalization is another. Undue Influence. Multistate Clusterfuck. 

    They'll still idealize me. They'll still push. But I need to FOCUS on REAL LIFE. Even if that means having the FBI stand between myself and my families. I need to focus on the cooking and cleaning and trying to get emotionally regulated again. So the government can work this out for good. I'm divorcing my families. Leaving the bubble. De-cultifying. As quietly as they allow me to do that. I know IMA is watching. I know there are others. They are going to see this through. Me too. Maybe less conquer the world. Maybe let the young people shine. I know my friends are watching. 

I Got a Name

Like the pine trees linin' the windin' road

I've got a name, I've got a name

Like the singin' bird and the croakin' toad

I've got a name, I've got a name

And I carry it with me like my daddy did

But I'm livin' the dream that he kept hid

Movin' me down the highway

Rollin' me down the highway

Movin' ahead so life won't pass me by

Like the north wind whistlin' down the sky

I've got a song, I've got a song

Like the whirlpool whirl and the baby's cry

I've got a song, I've got a song

And I carry it with me and I sing it loud

If it gets me nowhere, I'll go there proud

Movin' me down the highway

Rollin' me down the highway

Movin' ahead so life won't pass me by

And I'm gonna go there free

Like the fool I am and I'll always be

I've got a dream, I've got a dream

They can change their minds but they can't change me

I've got a dream, I've got a dream

Oh, I know I could share it if you'd want me too

If you're going my way, I'll go with you

Movin' me down the highway

Rollin' me down the highway

Movin' ahead so life won't pass me by

Movin' me down the highway

Rollin' me down the highway

Movin' ahead so life won't pass me by

ANYTHING I OWN

Cults

Things got outta hand, yeah. So, I cleaned the kitchen a bit. Put up some clothes. Cat's looking good. Printer won't cut me a break this time. Drivers seem out of date. I may have to contact them. Edit the forms electronically. Technically, I'm still me, but less entangled. 

I looked up cults, and I found this:

The psychology of cults involves understanding how groups can exert undue influence over individuals, leading to manipulation, control, and potential harm. Cults often exploit vulnerabilities and employ various psychological tactics to break down an individual's sense of self and loyalty, replacing it with a collective identity and devotion to the group and its leader. 

Key Psychological Factors:

Traumatic Narcissism:

Cult leaders often exhibit narcissistic traits, using manipulation, control, and emotional blackmail to establish a bond of dependence with followers. 

Group Cohesion:

Intense group activities, rituals, and a sense of belonging can create a strong group identity, making it difficult for members to question the cult's beliefs and practices. 

Indoctrination:

Cults employ thought-reform techniques, including isolation from external influences, constant exposure to cult ideology, and repetitive rituals, to erode an individual's critical thinking abilities and foster obedience. 

Obedience:

Cults tap into the natural human tendency to obey authority, often exploiting it by rewarding conformity and punishing dissent. 

Abdication Syndrome:

Followers may hand over responsibility for their lives to leaders, believing that the leader possesses all the answers and has their best interests at heart. 

Manipulation:

Cults use a variety of deceptive tactics, including guilt, shame, and fear, to control members and prevent them from leaving. 

Identity Transformation:

Cults often attempt to reshape an individual's identity, replacing their pre-existing values and beliefs with those of the group. 

Mental Health Effects:

The psychological manipulation and control in cults can lead to a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, mood disorders, and substance abuse. 

I definitely was in a cult of doctors. Bipolar was my mantra. CBT and meds were my gospel. Really freaky. I need to think about life choices. Avoid certain people. 

Face Heat

I remember youth. Sometimes my ears would turn red. Parents were like, whats wrong. Took me to internist. The internist had a roundabout way of saying I was embarrassed. Now its face burning. You could say hormones or a chemical or nutrition. Maybe its just anger. People are not, in fact, robots. Emotions are not wrong. Perfection is not to be expected. Relationships go sour. Jobs go sour. Sometimes you need a vacation. Or do that walking away thing. Sometimes, communicating in writing is the best one can hope for. 

Speaking

People are like, don't say this, don't say that. Do this, don't do that. Pick something already? Or maybe just give me my words in advance? Nice guys do finish last. Being strong and being nice don't always work well together. Sometimes you have to make people angry. Sometimes helping people means doing what they don't want you to do, saying what they don't want to hear. And if they don't listen, you walk away or get louder. You don't keep walking down that dead end road. 

Under Maintainance

This Person is under maintenance until anger becomes less of a vocabulary word. I'm simply going in too many directions. I care about the kids. They know that. I'm there from a distance.

At times, it does seem like there are sides. Almost like being split between different interests or groups of people. 

Less is More...

A little less angry...
A little more organized...
Slow but not too slow...
More judicious with honesty...
Maybe just taxes and writing...
A little less driven to distraction...
A little less blame...
A half dozen fewer people with lower morals...

one car washed...

A few clothes to donate...

A few less doctors in my head.

Crabby

Vlad!! STOP AXKING WHERE DI BLOOD STAND IS!

Dat Bat. Nebber a dull moment. Spidey just wanted to go to di beach, ride di wabes, but noooooo... der is he is again. He's behind di udder sand dune. UHOH! He saw Fwed. Di seagulls are patrolling di beaches. Der he goes... he's getting flappy... He's got his SPF 50... now he's flying apter anudder blonde. Dat Bat. 

Spidey likes di sea shells... sun radder bright, doh. 

Uh oh, dey spotted him. He's hiding behind anudder dune. He's covering himself in sunscreen and gull fedders. He's making a break for it! Der's a redhead! Anudder Blonde! Der goes a Brunette! He darts! He Dashes! 

Here's a gween wun. Spidey try on. Go for crawl. Fit rite in wit di cwabs.

Di wabes... di sand...

Maybe Spidey surf. Di shell looks seaworthy.

Where is dat bat... ?

Out of Body Experiences

    I just woke up from a dream. I dreamt that I had gone to MIP from the ER. That I was thinking of suing the hospital. That I was working with the FBI. But its not true. They didn't say we need to ship this guy outta state. They did ship me out of state. I'm back in MA. I'm back at Fort McClean. I'm with Conner. 

But there's a guy down there. His name is Angry. He's having one of those out of body experiences. He's thinking he's working with FBI. He's bitter and a little bit broken. Angry's been around the block a few times. He's hallucinating lawsuits. He stops breathing sometimes. He's lashing out a bit. Angry a little too close. He needs to step back. He's scaring people.

Favorite PC Games List

Ultimate Admiral: Dreadnoughts

Black Ops Games

Elder Scrolls Online

Age of Empires Series (AOM too)

C&C

SWTOR

Call of Duty

Age of Darkness

Tennis Game

Distress Tolerance

Spidey a liddle sensitive. Maybe a liddle more distress tolerance. Everything on a spectrum. Past experience puts people on all the spectrums. 

I think I'm seeing patterns too. Hypersensitivity from childhood chaos. Goes in different directions. Hypermedicalization. 

Multilingual family = Central Auditory Processing Disorder

Academic success oriented =adhd

Toxic masculinity = bipolar 

Failure or guilty conscience = depression 

Not enough time outside = allergies

Too much medical = rebound or chronic inflammation 

Cbt = idealization and unrealistic thinking

Dbt = reality

Eastern medicine = more harmony based, less fixit

Autism = sensory chaos in general

Well, I think MIP was overshooting. I think I need to be delusional on occasion. Otherwise, I check out. 

Trends

Russia has dropped, China disappeared like FBI work, Russia slightly up, Singapore down, and US up.

Past Week

Past 3 months