Dey nebber lissen...

Spidey di only brown recluse in South Carolina! All Spidey wanted was a Black Widow in di nest, a few flies in di web... but nooooo... dey wanted di perfect arachnid. Di venom isn't poisonous enuff! Di legs too long! Di eyes a liddle fuzzy... one day I'll meet di rite Widow... we'll laff, hab fun, maybe she'll eat me...

Nuitrition

Dearest Jenn,

    Such a pleasure to chat. Such witty humor. It's so nice to talk to people my age. They really get me. I like the way some people talk. The word choice. The tones. There's so much depth to some conversation. 

    Unfortunately, I like your ideas. So I might have to use them. I made some notes. 

    I particularly like the Arugula Berry Salad idea that you referenced from Natasha's kitchen, the avocado egg salad recipe looks intriguing. The Downshiftology and Nutritional Psychology websites look fascinating. I'll have to google some foods. 

    Such a strange thing when males are not allowed in the kitchen. I'm glad you can relate on the toxic male thing and an individual focused treatment approach.

    I loved K-. She was so great. It was draconian, what she taught me. The vegan type of stuff. But I really liked starting out with the really hard rules. I liked that she suggested it could be flexible. I liked that she treated me like family. It really helped. I was in a dark place then.

    I'm not good at trusting certain types of people. Autism Spectrum/PTSD hypersensitivity. I'm glad I've met some people that I can handle. 

Best,

Ashes and Dust

Happy about Something

The foot numbness is gone!! Now it hurts. The arch. Right foot. But this is good news! The headaches and the face pain also seem slightly better. I celebrated by buying a new hammer, replacing some toilet flappers, and picking out replacements for some damaged furniture from the Memorial Day Sale. A new recliner sofa, dark faux leather, and a new recliner, coffee colored. I'm going to have to throw out the futon. Unless anyone wants a futon with a broken leg? It's gonna rain again and I'll have to dig out my backyard drain... always clogs. Hopefully today I'll get some more cleaning done, review the recipes from the nutritionist, maybe exercise, write, and then tomorrow set up that printer so I can print out and mail taxes. 

Moral Imperative

I believe i have a moral obligation to warn people about woodruff road, CBT, Bipolar, drugs, and MIP... even McClean has actions to answer for. I need these answers before they sweep it under the rug or shut me up. I need answers. I have to keep people safe from these doctors. Cuz I know I was harmed. Who else was? How many people? Where does human engineering lead us?

Time to think...

 

Self concept

 I feel like my self concept is distorted. Maybe I'm stating the obvious. I'm stuck between past and future. Dependence and independence. I'm still enmeshed. I need to change. I hope people still believe. I'm trying. My faith is a bit battered. 

Frustrated

    I think people are just frustrated with their own lives and secondarily with whatever is going on with me (definitely depends on who you ask). But so long as no one gives me cause to worry, I have no worry about my future. As far as legal action, I can only further reiterate that my personal affairs are not up for debate. That includes medical and legal. 

    Acceptable topics of conversation include: the weather, some sports, pop culture, history, food, culture, whatever is not my personal business. You can definitely expect me to meet you where you are. If you fight me, I will fight back. 

    I guess my greatest hope is that people quit playing games with my well-being. I'm not actually a science experiment. And surely, of all the medical problems, at least one is real. It just means I function differently. I gotta understand how this kind of false perfect gets going this way. They have this idea of who I am but I swear it's not me. How is it that I'm still getting stuck? Are they going to stop checking on me? 

Privacy

    See, I always thought people in public generally stuck to thier company. But lately I've noticed people talking about me everywhere I go. At first it made me angry, then afraid.  But now I think maybe they just find me very interesting. And the cats doing so well. Such good spirits. I still have some work to do. But hopefully soon I'll be back around others. The medicine is helping. But I need to be patient. Today is Saturday. I've finally got the right month and almost always the right day and day of the week. Even time perception is better. Though I still lose chunks.

Anemia

Well now the anemia dx makes more sense. Because I'm having all the symptoms.

Symptoms that can occur include extreme tiredness, weakness and shortness of breath.

People may experience:

Whole body: dizziness, fatigue, lightheadedness, or malaise

Heart: fast heart rate or palpitations

Also common: brittle nails, headache, pallor, shortness of breath, or weakness

Maybe that’s where low CO2 is from. Idk. Anyways, I'd go outside more but for the allergies, memory issues, and fatigue. Plus I feel like i have indoors work to do. 

Buti think today, the weather is nice so I'll sit outside.

Professionals

I picked my professionals carefully. I'm confident in these. I just need to give them time to make sure my lifestyle is healthy and my memory is fully integrated. Until they finish it need to avoid certain people. Not a fixit mentality. A healing one. Growing into a different way of life. And that allows me to be kinder. It allows me to be stable. To work. To live... outside of hospitals. 

Names

See, I've been called many names. Some of the more offensive names were atheist, liar, shemale, psychotic, cracker, thing, it, cookie... somehow gay, straight, crazy seemed easier. You know, my head hurts every single day. My right foot hurts. The arch is having issues. That vagus nerve pain that radiates in the face and down the limbs. I'm wondering what effect the gabapentin had. I was on as much as... I think 1800. I'd have to check the records. I don't remember the dosing for that one. I'm sure the records are being preserved. We need to understand the effects of these combinations. Long term. And I need to stay away from doctors. So if you have an MD, I wouldn't plan to see me for years. Unless you're on my team. I need to avoid persons who know medical stuff and will undoubtedly have drastically different views of healthcare. 

Study

So prichards wanted a case study. Arson suggested the same. So, I'm granting that wish. I am the most powerful insanity in the lamp! (Easy on the metal polish). Some people want to believe I'm faking. I know I'm not. I know I'm just challenging their world views and confusing them. So, they should mind their own business. It's just better for everyone.

Work to do

See some people seem to think im some sort of criminal mastermind, others that I'm faking, others that I'm weak minded, and some people simply can't figure me out. And then I start suspecting that I talked my way into a psych unit in order to get them to produce documentation for a legal case, which is not actually true. So far we only seem to agree that I was dissociating. Though some people refer to that with the term "psychosis", its not an accurate use of the term. I suspect that psychosis is much less common than many psychiatrists believe. I still wonder how many actually know the difference. But unfortunately I have to deal the hand I was dealt. And that means avoiding certain people until after the court date. Since they refuse to recognize my reality simply because it conflicts with thier lives. I get it. You like the status quo. But I cant help you. I have to see this through. Until you can respect that, I can't be around you. You know who you are. There's work I have to do. It's taken me away from you. Besides that, I have to integrate my memory, file taxes, fix some stuff, maintain house, look at a part-time job, and various other things. 

More on Independent thought

So I may have turned into a bit of a hermit. Maybe I've lashed out a bit from time to time. It's been confusing. Which is why I need alone time. To make sure I'm seeing my life from a rational perspective. From a wise perspective. That's why I need space. I can only control me. What I think and do. So I need to do that well. I need to decouple from some people. Not be enmeshed/codependent/cult-like. And I need to improve some of my skills. I need to be more well-rounded. 

Anger

Apparently, my anger is still too high, because I'm seeing people doing things I just don't approve of. But I need my people to be strong. We have a job to do. I realize that the danger may not be as imminent or as great or as wide ranging as I see it to be. I only know that I'm not the only one frustrated with my families. So we need to focus. Act in patients' best interests. That's what I want. But you have to be honest with them. Without honesty then you're not actually acting in their best interest. Frankly, with so many people tangentially involved, and people pushing me forward, we need to see this through. So you need to let me help. I know your hospitals. I know your systems. So let me help. There simply isn't a hole to bury me in.