Dark

Spidey a liddle dark. Di sun rising doh...

Thank you for Tuning in to DarknessUntilDawn...

A warm shout out to the Good Eggs... the ones with Common Sense. 

M.issed I.n P.art

"Another head hangs lowly

Child is slowly taken

And the violence caused such silence

Who are we mistaken?"

But you see it's not we
It's not MY... prismaly
In my head, tears are shed
They are FIGHTING
With their PILLS and their PADS
And look now, we're depressed!
With our meds, With our meds
They are cryin'

In ERs, ICUs...
Can you see... ??
What's in your meds??? in your meds???
Zombies?

Another brother breakin'
Docs are taking over
When the violence causes SILENCE
We must be mistaken.

It's the same ICU
Since I last came to you.
In my head, hospital beds
They're still fightin'!
With their pills and their tests
And their ECTs, less and less

They are TRYIN'

In my head... hospital beds
Zombie, zombie, zombie, hey, hey
What's in your head, in your head
Zombie, zombie, zombie, hey, hey, hey
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Hey, oh, ya, ya-a

 

25 years since that first coma in the ICU.

George

Enmeshment, in a psychological context, refers to a blurring of boundaries between people, often family members, leading to over-dependence and a lack of individuality. This can result in difficulties with autonomy and independence, impacting family dynamics and relationships. 

Key aspects of enmeshment:

Blurred Boundaries:

Enmeshed relationships lack clear personal boundaries, making it difficult for individuals to distinguish their own needs, feelings, and boundaries from those of others. 

Over-involvement:

Family members become overly involved in each other's lives, often to the detriment of their own autonomy and personal development. 

Lack of Autonomy:

Enmeshment can lead to a loss of individual identity and the inability to make independent decisions or pursue personal interests. 

Over-dependence:

Individuals in enmeshed relationships may become overly dependent on others for emotional support, validation, or guidance. 

Examples:

A parent who constantly interferes with their child's decisions, a child who feels they must always make their parents happy, or family members who feel responsible for each other's happiness and well-being

Taxes

Almost ready to mail taxes. I overpaid. Rather ridiculously. I have 3 pieces of furniture to assemble. Some picking up to do. Father's day is coming up. Thank God. Am I right?

Countertransference: see munchousensbyproxy, did, stockholm syndrome

    Countertransference is an unconscious effect in mental health relationships, and neither the clinician nor the client realizes it is happening. It serves as an important reminder that mental health professionals are human too, with their own biases, history, and emotions that can influence their thoughts and reactions to clients.

    In a mental health session, a client might remind the professional of someone or something from their past or present. Consequently, the clinician might unconsciously treat the client in an emotionally charged or biased manner. Clinicians must be aware of countertransference at all times and actively work to acknowledge and manage it in their practice. Countertransference in mental health refers to the emotional reactions, biases, or perceptions a professional may have towards a client, influenced by the professional's personal experiences, unconscious feelings, or issues. It can affect the therapeutic relationship and treatment process.

    Countertransference is a professional's reaction and feelings toward a client in therapy. It contrasts with transference, which is a client’s emotional reaction to their professional. Countertransference is a common, unconscious phenomenon that can negatively impact the therapeutic relationship if not properly addressed. Freud first identified countertransference as a detriment to an analyst’s understanding of their patient. Today, it is viewed with both negative and positive associations in psychology.

    Countertransference occurs when a professional brings in their own experiences to the extent that they lose perspective on the client’s situation and stop being objective. It can manifest when the professional over-identifies with the client’s stories and shares too much about themselves, offers excessive advice instead of listening to the client, pushes the client to act before they are ready, seeks to relate outside the therapy room, inappropriately discloses personal information, develops romantic feelings for the client, lacks adequate boundaries, or is overly critical or supportive of the client.

    If countertransference is the emotional reaction a professional might have towards their client, then transference is the opposite: a client’s emotional reaction to their professional. Transference is a psychological phenomenon where a client redirects feelings for someone from their past or present onto the clinician, which can include feelings towards a family member, friend, or significant other. Like countertransference, this phenomenon is mostly unconscious, and the client is likely unaware of its influence. Unlike countertransference, transference in therapy is accepted. Professionals can use transference as a tool to better understand their client’s personal relationships and emotions. Countertransference can be seen as the clinician’s response to a client’s transference. However, while transference is a normal and accepted part of the therapeutic process, clinicians must monitor their countertransference to remain objective and avoid harming the client.

    In subjective countertransference, the therapist’s own unresolved issues are the cause. In other words, experience from the therapist’s own history is re-experienced in response to their client.

    An example of this includes a therapist who fears anger due to a family history of aggression, so they discourage any expression of anger from their client. This subjective form of countertransference can be harmful if not detected.

    In objective countertransference, the professional's reaction to their client’s maladaptive behaviors is the cause. Maladaptive behaviors are behaviors that inhibit one’s ability to healthy cope or adjust to certain situations. Most people would have the same reaction to this person; thus, the professional's reaction is “objective.”

    Unlike subjective countertransference, objective countertransference can actually benefit the therapeutic process. For instance, if the professional can accept and study this objective reaction they have to their client, they can use this countertransference as an analytical tool.

    Positive countertransference occurs when a professional becomes overly supportive of their client. Signs include trying too hard to befriend the client, disclosing too much personal information, or over-identifying with the client’s experiences. This can harm the therapeutic relationship by diminishing professional boundaries and preventing the professional from treating the client objectively. Importantly, some psychologists believe this positive form of countertransference can have beneficial outcomes by improving the professional-client relationship.

    Negative countertransference occurs when a professional reacts negatively to uncomfortable feelings. This includes being overly critical, punishing, rejecting, or disapproving of the client. It is also evident when the professional feels bored, irked, paralyzed, or contemptuous during therapy with a particular client. Negative countertransference is especially problematic as it can harm the client’s psyche and cause therapy to do more harm than good.

Health

Dear Members of the Community,

    Please stop analyzing my health and personal habits. It's wearing me out. It's counterproductive. If you ever want me to stop living in hospitals and doctors' offices, you'll stop asking. Driving me to drink with this shit. Seriously, I'm not a science experiment. I swear to God on one side I've got the medicalization crowd that wants to hyper analyze every perceived fault and on the other the bullshit crowd that knows it's all a load of internalized crap dressed up as DX's. It makes no sense.

Thank you,

Ashes

Plan

I've been asked what the plan is a lot. You may not be familiar with how serious "medically complex" or DID are. It's not exactly hospice, but prognosis isn't great. Permanent disability. Not a normal life. Maybe I'll have a relationship, maybe not. We all gotta die someday. Maybe it will get better. But as the book title says, the body keeps the score. Pretty clear I lost. So, I have to conserve my energy. I may look ok. I promise you; I am not. One too many falls, and all the king's horses and all the king's men... I was trying to work. I'm told that's not realistic. So, I'll try to write. Maybe something will change. Maybe not. I'll let the kids have their turn. Broken mind. Not evil, just broken. Yeah, it's dark. It is what it is. Too tired to fight. You know, I think I'll have one of those parties' people sometimes have when they become terminal. I'd like the process to be happy... ish. Too much medical manipulation. I need to take time to understand this better. It's not that I'm dying anytime soon... but it's coming. Somethings only God can control. It's easier to tell everyone at once, rather than one at a time.

OK, maybe it's not quite that bad. But some people don't know how to mind their own business. They're too busy shaming and manipulating lesser mortals. One of these days I'll rediscover the meaning of "right to privacy". I don't understand why MIP engages with categorizing and demonizing people to such an extreme. Medicalized perfectionism.

Clozastill

Interesting that they don't warn you about all the dangers of what might happen if you have to d/c clozapine. They warn you about the ridiculous side effects but not how dangerous it is to have to DC the stuff. The list of complications is ridiculous. Shit ain't kosher. Waste of resources.

Diagnosis

Get a diagnosis, they said. Having a name for the problems helps, they said... $*%#.

Waiting

Hanging in the corner

From a silky thread

by the light of windows

with pen and paper spread

The dragonfly, it hovers,

In the room just down the hall

busy are the bees

from the comb the honey falls

And so, the bear creeps lowly

sniffing at the air

sneaking in so softly

to tackle what is there

He's bigger than the dragonfly

Though hungry, he is strong

He plots to steal some honey

Because right is never wrong

Unfortunately for bear (though spider plays along)

When they come in number, bees can be quite strong

Soon the door comes open, and queen bee has a friend

Blue bee joins the hive, in the room down at the end

To make bear's matters worse

another bee pops out

soon the first door opens

and bees are all about

Spider, do a favor...

Distract the dragonfly.

Drained

    This has been a draining experience. It's gone in the strangest directions. Trying times must come to an end. You know, when this all started, people seemed to find it interesting, almost like a thrill. It's not actually that strange of a concept. People forget that everyone plays different roles, takes different perspectives from time to time. The truth can appear different from person to person. I was reminded of the Trinity. Even God has parts... Father, Son, Holy Spirit. I started some self-exploration, and it got too interesting for everyone. Medication can be truly frightening as well. I wanted people to know the real me. It got out of hand.

    South Carolina is angry enough. Let me go see about Massachusetts... maybe they're bored... I hear Samoa is nice my time of crazy...

Angry

I can see why people are angry. Angry because I've changed. Angry because they were wrong about me. Angry because they worked hard, and it didn't work out. Trauma is like that. It's difficult. But there's no sense in jumping to conclusions. Just because you fear me does not mean that I am worthy of fear. Or anger. I'm still me. Just differently. Getting older makes me realize that my energy is limited. But it seems like my perception is also limited. I used to feel like I knew the world and myself, but I had a small world. I was in a rut. Now I strive to get traction again. I'm doing what's right for me. In time, wounds can heal. Anyways. If Elle or Leaves ever need anything, they better let me know. Not that I have much to give, but sometimes I have to make exceptions for good people. I owe a few debts. I think we could all use some peace. 

Ok

    I am indeed ok. I'm not very functional. I still get Angry. But they adjusted the medicine. So I'm living independently.  Sinuses have been super bad. Sleep is poor. I definitely have low mental presence. Not terrible. But low. To me, it resembles a mild dementia. A cognitive impairment. One that does not seem to respond to medication. I need to be careful. Sometimes I say the wrong thing. I feel like people sometimes are surprised by what I say.

    The team says that boundaries are important and that other people might need their own trauma counselors. Because people have feelings. I do feel that I look stronger than I am. It's not that I enjoy being gone. But I feel like its better that I don't affect people too much. 

    Sometimes what I miss is talking about something other than me. I can't figure these people out. They act like I'm the devious one. 

Red

Jess,

    I want you to know that I never lied to you. I heard what you said too. And I appreciated you trusting me. I never wanted to hurt you or frighten you or bring you down. You did not err in trusting me. 

    You said I had to make my own decisions, and I have. I'm glad you liked the poem. I had a few things to work on. Some anger to put down. Don't run away too fast. You did so well. Remember. Remember the good things.

    Strength comes in strange forms. Please thank Kenzie and Elle. I needed them, and they were there. I needed to learn the things the men didn't teach me. Now I know better. Remember.

Ashes