Vhere is zee Bloodstand?

Thank You

 

Dear Elly,

    I needed to thank you. I needed someone to trust. You did well. I'm sorry about asking for the hug. I'm sorry they started calling you my girlfriend. But I think you should be proud. I think you did the right thing. I'm proud of you for that. I'm proud of what you taught me. I'm glad you were there. Maybe someday I'll figure out how to please everyone at once. So far, my track record isn't great.

Ashes

Traffic Control

    I'm used to flying under the radar. I'm used to keeping my anger hidden. I'm used to people waiting until I'm in the ER or until I'm buying guns or talking about death to want to do something about it. 

    This medical has warped my mind. I see everything in terms of medical. Social time with certain medical staff makes it worse. Discussing medical has become my kryptonite. I worry about what I say, what I don't say. 

    It's not actually my concern to have clozaril banned. People have to choose to see the negative effects and choose to use alternatives. Perception is powerful. A medication helps if you believe it helps, but you may not see how it warps your perception. Strength means sticking to the truth and to what's right without warping your mind with unnecessary medications, dysfunctional relationships, or unhealthy beliefs. 

    I know their hospitals. I know there are weaknesses in the system. But they have to let me help. Or I'm part of the problem. Hospitals can be like pressure cookers.

    I truly never wanted to be a doctor. I think I became interested in justice because of all the wrong I saw being done in the world. Only, eventually, I came to see that doctors can do wrong too.

    Hospitals need traffic control to keep people safe. Speed bumps, signs, and hard lines in the sand. Medication, and the practice of it, can distort the mind. Sometimes doctors don't know when to slow down, when to stop, there need to be people there helping them. People with the power to say no. And I can help. I can be useful in helping the doctors understand where the necessary lines are.

    I don't have the energy or the will to play into the machine anymore. It's backfired spectacularly. Which is not to say that good hasn't been done. It has. But there needs to be a time to step away. trying to medically perfect myself is really taking a toll. It's time for me to think about the future and not the past. I need to think about family, not the families that I thought I knew. I need to think about the family that I never took the time to create.

    The doctors are too busy alternately reveling in discovering the dysfunction and being pissed off that they can't stop it. Because it's a social problem. It requires social workers. Counselors. Not medication. And by making this public I both help myself and I help others. By doing what DSS cannot. Shutting down certain social patterns. 

    God forbid I end up in that hospital again, I know they will read this. And finally, they will know what not to do: don't threaten, don't lie, and above all, don't feed into patterns. stabilize the symptoms. Get me out of there. Keep certain people out of my business. 

    FDIA. Look it up. There's nothing actually wrong with me other than physical symptoms I myself report at the time or that are observed by independent medical professionals. The cPTSD/DID are the result of unaddressed FDIA. The Autism, CAPD and the ADHD are mild. Just don't keep me any longer then absolutely necessary. And give the security guards and the gossip a break. Stick to the basics. There is no danger. 

    If I limit my time around certain people and places, the symptoms should become fewer with time, the hospital visits less frequent. Whether or not I have Bipolar is at most a minor detail. I need to think about the future. That's in everyone's best interest.

Mirapex

    I do believe that Mirapex can be very dangerous. It is a dopamine agonist. It directly increases dopamine activity in the brain. The reward chemical. So it feels like you have done something good, even when you haven't. When you're on Mirapex, especially higher doses, your addictive behavior can get out of control. 

    You don't recognize consequences as well. You'll be that rat in the cage, hitting the lever again and again. Never learning. I know this for a fact. I've seen it in both myself and other people on mirapex. People with addictions or the potential for addictions should not take large doses of mirapex. It changes your behavior even in small doses. 

My Women and Game Theory

    I think it's important to realize the limits of humanity. I think it's important to realize the costs of idealization. That's a large part of where my CBT education went wrong. 

    I'm trying to apply game theory to my life. Making decisions that are interdependent. It's not just about impulsive or not impulsive. There's a problem with the me first, laissez-faire thinking. CBT can make it worse. When things aren't going right in your life, CBT is like benzos. 

    Teaches you that it's good enough the way it is. That's what it did for me. And that's wrong. Change is necessary. Apathy is not helpful. But change has to be based on interdependent decisions. If I'm not considering how my decision effects people that I care about, then I will make bad decisions. I have to do what's right for both me AND the group. That's the only way to win. 

    I was taught that I was either defective LD unstable unreliable or that i had gifts and I could do better than others. That's a very difficult dynamic to manage. It's very difficult to have a consistent identity and a stable life if people pull you in different directions. Because no man is an island, and we all are influenceable. I wasn't taught humility. 

    But I do care about people. I'm not actually evil or an addict, unless you consider a miseducation around expectations and prescription drugs to be addiction, and it's not that different. I'm tired of fighting people. I look to eastern harmony principles vs western medicine, and I find myself returning to game theory. 

    My social interactions are becoming like group therapy. That's not a good thing. People in other people's business too much. But there is an underlying cause. I was miseducated and trapped within a system of dysfunctional social behavior, particularly around healthcare. In supporting the mission of certain healthcare providers, we all went too far. It got ugly. 

    And I truly am tired. I do have to draw attention to the dysfunction, because it no longer is supporting anything useful, it is supporting ego and greed and chaos. Maybe my families aren't criminal networks. But they are promoting dysfunctional beliefs about medicine. They have made mistakes. 

    They saw my intelligence and they decided to run with it and medically perfect it. For all the good that that did. I was pushed too hard, and bipolar simply was used as a means to overmedicate and maintain the dysfunction. I truly believe that. But we saved a lot of lives at that hospital. 

    Now it's over. Now we have to move on. I have to retire from supporting dysfunctional psychiatry and medicine. I have to retire from professional patienthood. I have to clear out my mind and get an idea of what I am realistically capable of before I start doing too much. 

    I have felt caught between people. At times it has seemed like everyone wanted a piece. And for what? broke, on disability, with no partner, no kids, no nothing. I don't own my home. I don't own my car. I can't even afford my home. Exactly how am I winning here? 

    Now we can't even talk to each other. I don't know what happens next. But I think game theory plays into it. And so far it seems like the women have a more accurate perspective then the men, who are more prone to feeding the chaos then stopping it. But all human beings are capable of wise decisions.

    We have to choose to not ignore what is right in front of our eyes. We have to choose to see the truth. We have to choose to do what is best for both ourselves and the group. Ego is a problem in medicine. It can be just as dangerous as greed. 

Volly

Volly, they are conspiring against the hospitals again!! Vhy did we let them out?!?!

Big not so White Lies

    I still don't see why the hospital feels lying and threats are appropriate. Or how that helps at all. They really took a giant leap backwards with that. But I can forget. I made mistakes too. That was a long time ago though. If they hadn't been lying and threatening in the er, it didn't have to go that way. But if there's a next time, Bon Secors. I'm sure they can manage to stabilize a bad reaction to spravato more effectively. Not that I take spravato anymore.

.38 (Adult Content)

Dear Elle,

    It must have been quite a shock. You know. 2020. You see, Prichards had been getting desperate with the meds. He took the prazosin up high... I don't remember how many MG. 

    I remember in October I got depressed. He said that the prazosin was probably causing that. Leaves was worried. My judgement was off. Then they had that meeting. Leaves, a supervisor, and my old LPC. They decided they needed more help. A co-counselor. But I was very unstable, lines were blurred. She said she was going to have to terminate. 

    I bought the .38. It felt weird, to have a gun. I never even loaded it. I was afraid. The minipress had dropped. It was like being in combat all of a sudden. adrenaline surge. I ran through every scenario I could think of. My previous LPC was not able to help. Clarity had disagreed with Bipolar and asserted PTSD. The meds weren't working. Doors were closing. I was at the end of the rope. 

    The last therapy session approached, and I reviewed my options. In my mind, I sketched out the details. Just like MIP, I knew the building. I did not know what to do. They had given me names. I did not feel trusting. I went through scenarios. day after day. I saw myself going to that last session, bringing the gun. I saw myself pulling it out. barricading. talking.... talking... talking. I could hear the sirens in my mind. I planned last words. I decided I didn't care what they did with my stuff. I prepared to die. 

    The day came. As I recall, I still had the gun. But I had gone through the scenarios, there was just one problem. I had pictured the last moments. I had pictured pulling the trigger. I had pictured the look on her face as I shot myself. I pictured myself on the ground with her there. And I said to myself, I can't do this to her. I pictured the look on her face. I pictured her screaming. I said I can't. I left the gun at home. I remember the session. I was pacing. She was crying. She gave me the note. All my best. Asked if she needed to call the ambulance. But I felt a calm. And I said no. I went home. I sold the gun. I came back to you. 

    I still don't know where MIP was going with whatever they were trying to do. I got what I needed in 2020 and 2024, I think. The rest I forget. 

    I hope someday I'll see you one more time. I want you to see that I'm ok. I'm still here. That's all. I think this experience changed my mind. I don't think it will be the same ever again. But I'll be alive. Because I'm getting the right help. So long as MIP doesn't creative and try to remove every person that I trust from my life. If they had known about the FDIA, they would have known which ones to not trust. 

Ashes

Volly

 Volly, They're drifting again...

Happy Father's Day

Hoping everyone has a great day.

Watching

 

   Then there was another one of those techs. I'll call her Khrystal. She was there past couple of times. I think I was afraid of her because she reminded me of Elle. Eyes like a brittle stone. Blue gray, I think. I think she had blonde hair just past the shoulders. She had this quietness to her. I only asked her a few things. 

    But I remember a moment of compassion. I was there in the main room by the tv. I don't know. Maybe because I had relied on her previously... She was watching me. I looked back at her. Now most people would look away, pretend to be busy, you know, hide. But she looked right back. 

    I was glad someone was watching. She didn't look angry or afraid. Concerned. maybe a touch sad. Nice when someone notices. Nice not to be the one caught watching.

She watched the night, so I didn't have to.

🫂 khrystal 🫂 

Angry

 Phone:

RING!

Me:

WHAT????