Monday, June 16, 2025
Thank You
Dear Elly,
I needed to thank you. I needed someone to trust. You did well. I'm sorry about asking for the hug. I'm sorry they started calling you my girlfriend. But I think you should be proud. I think you did the right thing. I'm proud of you for that. I'm proud of what you taught me. I'm glad you were there. Maybe someday I'll figure out how to please everyone at once. So far, my track record isn't great.
Ashes
Traffic Control
I'm used to flying under the radar. I'm used to keeping my anger hidden. I'm used to people waiting until I'm in the ER or until I'm buying guns or talking about death to want to do something about it.
This medical has warped my mind. I see everything in terms of medical. Social time with certain medical staff makes it worse. Discussing medical has become my kryptonite. I worry about what I say, what I don't say.
It's not actually my concern to have clozaril banned. People have to choose to see the negative effects and choose to use alternatives. Perception is powerful. A medication helps if you believe it helps, but you may not see how it warps your perception. Strength means sticking to the truth and to what's right without warping your mind with unnecessary medications, dysfunctional relationships, or unhealthy beliefs.
I know their hospitals. I know there are weaknesses in the system. But they have to let me help. Or I'm part of the problem. Hospitals can be like pressure cookers.
I truly never wanted to be a doctor. I think I became interested in justice because of all the wrong I saw being done in the world. Only, eventually, I came to see that doctors can do wrong too.
Hospitals need traffic control to keep people safe. Speed bumps, signs, and hard lines in the sand. Medication, and the practice of it, can distort the mind. Sometimes doctors don't know when to slow down, when to stop, there need to be people there helping them. People with the power to say no. And I can help. I can be useful in helping the doctors understand where the necessary lines are.
I don't have the energy or the will to play into the machine anymore. It's backfired spectacularly. Which is not to say that good hasn't been done. It has. But there needs to be a time to step away. trying to medically perfect myself is really taking a toll. It's time for me to think about the future and not the past. I need to think about family, not the families that I thought I knew. I need to think about the family that I never took the time to create.
The doctors are too busy alternately reveling in discovering the dysfunction and being pissed off that they can't stop it. Because it's a social problem. It requires social workers. Counselors. Not medication. And by making this public I both help myself and I help others. By doing what DSS cannot. Shutting down certain social patterns.
God forbid I end up in that hospital again, I know they will read this. And finally, they will know what not to do: don't threaten, don't lie, and above all, don't feed into patterns. stabilize the symptoms. Get me out of there. Keep certain people out of my business.
FDIA. Look it up. There's nothing actually wrong with me other than physical symptoms I myself report at the time or that are observed by independent medical professionals. The cPTSD/DID are the result of unaddressed FDIA. The Autism, CAPD and the ADHD are mild. Just don't keep me any longer then absolutely necessary. And give the security guards and the gossip a break. Stick to the basics. There is no danger.
If I limit my time around certain people and places, the symptoms should become fewer with time, the hospital visits less frequent. Whether or not I have Bipolar is at most a minor detail. I need to think about the future. That's in everyone's best interest.
Mirapex
You don't recognize consequences as well. You'll be that rat in the cage, hitting the lever again and again. Never learning. I know this for a fact. I've seen it in both myself and other people on mirapex. People with addictions or the potential for addictions should not take large doses of mirapex. It changes your behavior even in small doses.
My Women and Game Theory
I think it's important to realize the limits of humanity. I think it's important to realize the costs of idealization. That's a large part of where my CBT education went wrong.
I'm trying to apply game theory to my life. Making decisions that are interdependent. It's not just about impulsive or not impulsive. There's a problem with the me first, laissez-faire thinking. CBT can make it worse. When things aren't going right in your life, CBT is like benzos.
Teaches you that it's good enough the way it is. That's what it did for me. And that's wrong. Change is necessary. Apathy is not helpful. But change has to be based on interdependent decisions. If I'm not considering how my decision effects people that I care about, then I will make bad decisions. I have to do what's right for both me AND the group. That's the only way to win.
I was taught that I was either defective LD unstable unreliable or that i had gifts and I could do better than others. That's a very difficult dynamic to manage. It's very difficult to have a consistent identity and a stable life if people pull you in different directions. Because no man is an island, and we all are influenceable. I wasn't taught humility.
But I do care about people. I'm not actually evil or an addict, unless you consider a miseducation around expectations and prescription drugs to be addiction, and it's not that different. I'm tired of fighting people. I look to eastern harmony principles vs western medicine, and I find myself returning to game theory.
My social interactions are becoming like group therapy. That's not a good thing. People in other people's business too much. But there is an underlying cause. I was miseducated and trapped within a system of dysfunctional social behavior, particularly around healthcare. In supporting the mission of certain healthcare providers, we all went too far. It got ugly.
And I truly am tired. I do have to draw attention to the dysfunction, because it no longer is supporting anything useful, it is supporting ego and greed and chaos. Maybe my families aren't criminal networks. But they are promoting dysfunctional beliefs about medicine. They have made mistakes.
They saw my intelligence and they decided to run with it and medically perfect it. For all the good that that did. I was pushed too hard, and bipolar simply was used as a means to overmedicate and maintain the dysfunction. I truly believe that. But we saved a lot of lives at that hospital.
Now it's over. Now we have to move on. I have to retire from supporting dysfunctional psychiatry and medicine. I have to retire from professional patienthood. I have to clear out my mind and get an idea of what I am realistically capable of before I start doing too much.
I have felt caught between people. At times it has seemed like everyone wanted a piece. And for what? broke, on disability, with no partner, no kids, no nothing. I don't own my home. I don't own my car. I can't even afford my home. Exactly how am I winning here?
Now we can't even talk to each other. I don't know what happens next. But I think game theory plays into it. And so far it seems like the women have a more accurate perspective then the men, who are more prone to feeding the chaos then stopping it. But all human beings are capable of wise decisions.
We have to choose to not ignore what is right in front of our eyes. We have to choose to see the truth. We have to choose to do what is best for both ourselves and the group. Ego is a problem in medicine. It can be just as dangerous as greed.
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