Defiant

Determination, it echoes against the winds of hate and denial
Higher rising the legend's banner that strife cannot defile
The currency of whispers speaks to resentment and regret
But further on the banner waves in the glimmer of sunset

She spoke of times I failed her in the trials of becoming men

Charging with our banners just to flee them once again

Smartly in the shadows we regain our strength and honor

To rise again in righteous defense of our burning manor.

Jealously, she spoke of triumphs snatched from jackal's jaw

And wounds of blood and anger that would ripen red and raw

Vengeful in our justice we become a certain type of man

Who struggles with the question of when to stay the hand.

Lucid now, we never fail to fight our fickle fate

Never turning from a horrid will to find our hate.

And so we turn and spirits burn with passion in our eye

To choose between our love and hate, the passions we defy.

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Deer Elle

Deer Elle

    Spidey just dudent like when di health care providers pick on Molly. Spidey chooses his own providers, tank glue berry dutch. Tell dem, Elle. Spidey a berry nice arachnid. Spidey was nice. He didn't hurt ennyone. Spidey like his women. Dey take good care ob Spidey. 🫂 Elle 🫂  Dont werry. Spidey look out for elle. Ebbyting be ok. 

Spidey

Good Morning Greenville County!

    Spidey here! Today's arachnid is working on anudder chapter of dee Watcher series. Follow our protagonist as he explores the mysterious storm world! Working on some illustrations. Stay tuned for more from Ashes N Dust

Good Morning Greenville County

Allergies

    Allergies can be challenging. Mine have been awful. Guanfacine loosens the mucus, Phenylephrine reduces it, and allergy medications like Claritin and Allegra decrease the immune system response. 

    Today, I'm getting some Mucinex that has Guanfacine, Phenylephrine, and acetaminophen all in one. By replacing the Guanfacine only tablets, I might get more relief. I really want to focus better. I need to be productive. I've been really tired and frustrated with the doctors. I need to try to put the ENT on the calendar. If I can get enough sleep and take ativan when going to doctor's offices, maybe I can do better. I want to be less tired and more productive. The allergies and lack of sleep have been a problem. 

Threats

    I just hope the hospital and I don't engage in more threats. I understand there's limited resources and they have difficult working conditions. I know I made a mistake with Elle. I don't want it to be all about me. I just want to focus on feeling better so I can be more productive. I think they can help with the allergies, the sleep, and the fatigue.

    It looks like I'll be doing the intensive outpatient program at MIP. They feel like seeing my doctor more often would help. Maybe I'll be able to address my concerns more directly.

Dear dr Small

 Dear Small,

Spidey tried. Missed di boat. At least i don't have to pretend. Hopefully i won't see you ennytime soon.

Spidey

Dear Elle

Dear Elle,

    I remember the old days, when I used to keep the anger more hidden. At least it seemed that way. I've been in the system too long. I miss the way we used to talk. It seemed less serious. But maybe the time for humor has passed? Maybe it's time to be serious. I do feel like I am learning more. I don't see this as failure. I see it as the necessary next step. I hope wherever you are, whatever you are doing, you understand. You and Leaves both. I want you to be happy. 

    I miss you. Hopefully I've learned everything I needed to know from you. I need to focus. I feel like I've wasted too much time. I need to focus on being more productive and less angry. I just wanted to make you proud. I wanted you to want to say, yeah, I knew Ashes. He was a great guy. I'm sorry. I hope you're not upset. I have tried. Don't give up on me. 

Yours,

Ashes

Dear Joe

Dear Joe,

    Stocks are down,

    Arachnids are brown,

    I miss seeing Krystal,

    Have you seen her around?

Spidey

Revisiting Trust

     I've struggled with trust. There was a breakdown of trust. But going back to the idea of love as expressed in Christian terms, it is possible to love, it is even possible to love a stranger. There was not much love lost between myself and the other patients at the hospital. They immediately latched onto DID as a sign of arrogance and pushed the drug addict narrative. They never gave me a real chance. Never saw me for who I was. They got stuck on the misconceptions and trying to analyze the DID thing. But it's hard to blame them because I overthought DID and found it confusing myself. 

    But I've been getting my anger back down and reaching out some more. I had a blip with the ritalin and it's not a smooth and steady process. I felt like I wasn't being given choices. When you're the youngest, you get a lot of unsolicited advice and the choices are often made for you. 

    I was stuck in patterns and I knew myself, I knew that if I went back to gateway or got overly involved with medical, I would slip back into patterns. I needed to de-Bipolarize my mind. That did not make me popular, but in truth I was miserable when it was bipolar and the concept I had of bipolar was dysfunctional. It was keeping me trapped in a false identity, stuck in patterns. 

    I think it's time for forgiveness. I just wish I could talk to the staff. Help them understand. The thing with Prichards really wasn't my fault. THC isn't the problem. My counselor isn't the problem. It's the communication. Or lack thereof. But I think that's changing for me. I do know what I need as far as the medication and the ENT/Allergies. I think they are ready to listen. 

Good Morning, Greenville Healthcare

    Dis is your faborite arachnid, Spidey! A warm shout out to the angels ob di Nort wing ob di Castle! Serbin di fiercest since 1969!

    On to di wedder! Today's high is 92, and its going to be sunny. Grab your sunscreen, vampiric bats, gonna be anudder scorcher!

    In udder noose, the Supreme Court just limited the FDA authority over tobacco. Looks like that nicotine gum may be less useful. It's been hailed as a win for vape venders.

    There has been a recall on Rachael's Ginger Beer. It has been containimated with bad cucumbers. The recall was issued June 18th. 

    The FDA allowed a manufacturer in India to continue shipping prescription medications to the US despite quality violations in the manufacturing process, including mold, foul water, faulty testing, and dirty conditions affecting 150 medications stocked in American pharmacies. The violations were discovered in 2022, but were not revealed or corrected, because it would have caused "some kind of frenzy". 

Volly

 

Volly, look, they're finally doing it! A perfect formation!

Combinations

    I'm finally breaking my combinations. Cleaned out my professionals, isolated myself from social influences, de-numbified and de-drugged, took control of my healthcare, took control of my life, de-perfectionated... re-educated myself and took some guilt and anger off my plate. It was definitely a mistake to go gonzo with hospital insurance as a minor and drug it up. I needed to deal with my problems, controlling and toxic personalities that were in my life. People that wouldn't take no for an answer and were never satisfied. Been kicked around too long. 

    Some people were desperate for me to have bipolar. Because it avoids all responsibility. It puts the blame on the genetics and the drugs. Not on the relationships and the miseducation where it belongs. DID truly is a social problem. It's all about façades and lies and bad combinations. It's about a lack of communication. And it leads to things like not being able to maintain employment, unstable relationships, dysregulation, and risky behavior. And Hospitals have trouble unwinding that kind of stuff because you've got to treat the whole problem, not just part of it. And sometimes the world does not want to change, no matter how much an individual wants to change. 

    So, I've been making it excruciatingly obvious to the people around me what's not ok. Little by little. And I've cut them out and I'm waiting to see if they change. So that I can consider whether to let them back in. Again, 2 comas. It's been enough. 

    The quiet life can be quite nice. Less keeping up with the joneses and a slower pace. If I can keep improving that credit score and find some healthier people to have in my life, then I'll be ok.