Today, I took some time to restore my lantern. Maybe a little metal polish to finish it off. Then I'm going to put a scented candle inside. Put it on the mantel.

Idea

    I think I realized how I got off track with the hospital. I got too focused on the legal threats. What I need is that sense of humor. It's all about the focus. I need to focus on some joy and some humor, not a regimented idea of taking exactly this medicine at this time, etc.

Sarah

 Dear Elle,

    I've been working on getting this place in order. Have you played tennis? I used to enjoy hitting the ball around. That was before I got into pickleball. I've been having trouble motivating. It's just not the same anymore. But I try to remember your example. 

    The girls are so much fun. Everyday, we get together... Jess does cartwheels and handstands, plays games with the others. Jenn contemplates the greater mysteries... sometimes we take a break and go out. Ashes got some new lighters for the incense, thinks about burning down hospitals. It's great. We try to discourage him. Vlad's always flying around, trying to keep everyone on the same page... We've been having trouble writing. I think we got off track with the hospital. They don't like DID so much. 

    It's really a relief to open up sometimes, let us all out. We just be ourselves. Hard to do that in the real world. That's why we need to stay out of hospitals. I hope you are well.

Love,

Sarah

Good Wednesday Greenville County

     This is yor FABORITE arachnid, SPIDEY! I'll be yor host for today's edition of DarknessUntilDawn!

    In Healthcare News, five days ago, an outpatient hospital was approved for Patewood drive. It will be focused on providing top notch, quality care for non-overnight hospital stays.

    More then 100,000 South Carolinians could lose health coverage due to a loss of health care subsidies in the federal budget. 

    Onto di wedder, the heat wave will be continuing until the end ob di day. Stay hydrated and watch your sun exposure!

    Best wishes and stay safe Greenville!

Bipolar

 This was so much simpler when we thought I had Bipolar, but it wasn't Bipolar, I was miserable, and the meds were making me worse. Bad psychiatry.

 It's very hard to keep up with conversations or maintain focus. I'm struggling with executive skills

 Ive been rather agitated and fixated on the medical. The counselor says dissociation the psych says brain fog. 

Waiting

     Right now I'm waiting for the psych to get back from vacation so I can decide between inpatient and outpatient. I barely function. Not sleeping much, can't stop thinking about the hospital. Spaced out, the ad thing won't even add my site. Keeps coming back with explanations I don't understand. I've been talking with the oncall. I feel a sense of urgency to act but I don't know what to do and I can barely think straight. The Hospital used to feel safe.

sick

    My family and the hospital are not being realistic about the nature and severity of my mental illness, and that is a huge concern. They believe I am more functional than I actually am and that the difference can be attributed to THC, which is false. This worries me because if I need help, they will treat the wrong problem with the wrong solutions and I won't get the help I need, and I feel that I'm likely to need help, given the debilitating nature of DID. Mental Health has many myths, this is one I was not aware of. 

    It makes me very nervous around family and hospital staff, because I don't know what to expect. Sometimes it takes me a while to recover from an encounter. The stress exhausts me and sometimes makes me physically sick. 

Polyvagal and hospitals

I really do believe that rather then trying to force confessions out of people regarding sexuality or drugs, the hospital could cut the bullshit threats and learn and apply polyvagal theory better. I'm not an addict, I'm not a criminal, and they are full of shit for implying so.

What i worry about...

Is what happens the next time I need help? Everyone needs help now and then. Do I lose the house nexttime? Do we go legal? What happens nexttime? That's why I need to manage my stress, keep plenty of personal space. Because there's bulls in the China shops. They don't care about facts, they care about narratives. They think im out here having fun and thats the story they will tell. Nevermind the truth. This is why I cant talk to some people. It's thier narrative.

Guilt

    Guilt is ever present in today's society. Because shame is a way that society enacts control, guilt is a holiday thing, it is a duty thing, it is a thing of accusations and recriminations. It is the relative that keeps asking no matter how many times you say no. It is the friend who lays everything on you. It is the inverse of duty, it is the failure to meet obligations imposed, whether rightfully or not. 

Headaches

 To me, the weirdest part is the strange headaches I get. It feels like different parts of my skull want to come off. Last night I only got four hours of sleep. I cant get myself to sleep enough. I worry about the future. Especially when it seems like the hospital does not have my best interest at heart. 

Conversation is hard. I don't feel like I can be myself with people. after every conversation, I feel like I think of five different ways I could have said something else. At times I feel betrayed.

Like the hospital was never working for me. And they seem more interested in burying it, then understanding what the real problem is. 

Psychociation

 Dear Joe,

    I've been having problems with Psychociation. It starts with playing along. Before long I feel physically sick, I have outbursts, anger, sadness, fear. I keep getting stuck. It's hard to know where the future goes. Especially when the hospital looks for every explanation but the actual explanation. Especially when they don't work for me. 

    But we have good talks. Not that I remember us ever saying a ton, but sometimes fewer words is better. The world can be a strange place, and sometimes people are resistant to different ideas. I try to see beyond and then I get swept in the bullshit. it's frustrating. Before I know it I'm playing along again, and I don't realize until I start having the mood swings, outbursts, and start getting desperate. Disoriented. I wonder if you're met Elle. I'd imagine so. 

    What I wonder is, can you see, or are you as blind as the rest? But I honestly don't judge people very well... not as well as I thought. I hope we're going down the right road, because I worry about the future. The old guard, it may not matter much to them, but I could still have a life. I still have time. I need to break my patterns. I need to meet new people and put the past away... all of it. 

    I get caught up in believing, and I'm running out of energy for that. It's wearing on me. I need to meet someone, pursue my dreams of writing and living life more fully. I think that requires time alone. Luckily, I still have people I can rely on. I just don't have the stamina to play games anymore. I need to stop trying. 

    Maybe you play sports. Mine was soccer, primarily. I need to buy another soccer ball. Someone stole mine. I hope I can count on you. Those people you work with, be careful what you believe. It will warp your mind.

Ashes

Anxiety remedies

    I'm working on leaving the house more often and understanding people better. Not so much why they do what they do, but why they feel the way they feel. My most common emotions are anger and fear. It used to be sadness, but that's gotten better. The anxiety is definitely the worse of the two. Sometimes I have positive emotions. Happiness, love, amusement, connection. 

    Fear, sadness, and anger seem like a triad. They lock together like armor, impenetrable. I got to the point I was taking so much inositol that my digestion was disrupted. The chamomile lavender tea is better. Holy Basil tea tastes pretty bad, but it calms incredibly. Ashwagandha tastes a little better but doesn't seem quite as effective for me. I'm trying to use the five senses more, as well as l-theanine and Atarax.