FBI

So I rather regret filing a report with the FBI. I have a sneaking suspicion that my report is very related to the internet disruptions and password reset requests that day. So my professionals are getting used to having conversations with state and federal agencies... the local police can breathe a sigh of relief. The same people that want me to shut up know county and state officials pretty damn well. Extremely well. Unfortunately they can't control the medical board or federal officials... but I'm not law enforcement I'm just pissed off. So again, it's really a bad idea to know me unless I contact you. It attracts the wrong kind of attention. Let it alone. Don't worry about DSS. Worry about DEA and FBI instead. I'm trying to keep myself physically intact and mentally functional, help the local hospitals figure out how we got into this mess. Keep people safe. And maybe the federal government doesnt mind so much giving me some disability and some insurance, if it keeps me healthy and keeps some dirty doctors in line... maybe they come to appreciate that actually... but they probably prefer not to get contacted... so, speaking on behalf of the FBI, please don't contact me without permission. It's not a good idea. Thank you. Please don't threaten me. It's not a good idea. There are jails for some things.

Side Effects

Almost every time I talk to a non-professional who knew the medicated me I get the distinct impression that people want me to shut the hell up and medicate. Such desires have side effects. Insisting on seeing someone through a lens of medicated perfection is a distortion of reality. I get it. I kinda liked the old me. But that's how I got here. Medically complex, permanently disabled unless I learn to deal with emotions differently (near as an honest professional will tell me), unable to maintain relationships... unable to maintain jobs... a medicated perfectionism. Oh, you'll be damn strong... miserable, and unstable. You have to deal with the emotions and set boundaries, or you'll drown in pills and anger and there will be no help for you on this earth. So I strongly advise anyone who knew the old me to avoid contact unless I contact you. Oh I'm full of ideas, you made me that way... not all of them are good ones... the local hospitals and I are engaged in some learning... leave it be. Or people as far off as Singapore just might understand the dangers of overprescription and poor boundaries. I like this state. I like it quiet, safe, peaceful. I'm planning to keep it that way... but I need to work with these hospitals, improve my health and hopefully keep them from endangering the population. I especially want to discourage medical professionals yet again from contacting me directly, indirectly, or by soothsayer unless they are on a treatment team... that would be extremely poor judgment. 

Gratitude

What am I grateful for?

Knowledge...

People...

Food...

Home...

Rest...

Spring...

Peace.

Awareness

I'm seeing good signs... the hypersensitivity seems slightly less. My body feels more present. I feel more aware of people around me. Slightly less lost in my mind.

The depression seems milder. The energy a little low but more consistent. The anxiety and anger still seem a little high. Blood pressure still elevated. Heart feels a little wierd with periodic mild chest pain. Allergies... less congestion, more airway constriction, especially in the sinuses. Hands and feet are sensitive. Joints pop a lot. Forehead, gums and face have pain at times. Forehead is changing a little. I can only imagine that the neural networks in the prefrontal cortex are adapting. Some of the bizarre thoughts have faded with some of the more unpredictable physical sensations. Though I think avoiding certain memories and people is still wise. Chronic inflammation from over medicalization, numbedness, lack of processing. I'm rinsing with warm salt water. Some exercise, and continued nutrition and routine... maybe the hospital and I can avoid direct legal action... hopefully avoid threatening each other... seeing as this name is still on a building of thiers... seems rather ugly. Perhaps cooler heads can prevail. Keep people safe, but without excessive force. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Maybe some of those doctors had good ones, but they need to be careful. They need to maintain independence. Proper boundaries.

The First Time

She was magnificent. I rode her like a stallion. Oh, the creases, the curves! The way the sheets felt right out of the supply room! The long metal legs! I - damn there goes the BP monitor again... I'm waking up... 

BOLTING UPRIGHT. 3-4 PEOPLE HOLDING ME DOWN... RIPPING WIRES OFF OF AND OUT OF MY BODY... THE MONITORS GOING CRAZY...

oh yes, my love, that Hypoallergenic pillowcase looks good on you... where was I? Drifting back into my coma, I think... oh don't worry about the medical staff... they've seen delirium before...

Hospital Staff & Relationships

 When you have health problems, relationships can become a challenge. 

    Perhaps the staff at Memorial has misunderstood. Desperation is a dangerous ingredient to the mind. You've known me, for better or for worse, for decades. You brought me out of a coma. You kept me alive. It's the workers on the ground that I appreciate the most. The low-level ones. I did not come there to learn names. I know you well enough. That's the whole damn point. 

    Someone keeps you alive, you tend to remember. It's been a long time since that first coma. 17 years old. 26 years ago. You knew me even before then. Some of you have been there the whole time and are getting ready to retire. So I wrote you the poem. Safe Harbor

Anyways, I mis-learned a bit. That's why I don't want the pills anymore. Just the bare minimum.

Family doesn't like to remember these things. Big surprise.

    But hospitals built me up. Not just one of you.

    I just have an issue with misprescribing dinosauric diagnosis addicted docs who lack proper independence.

Notes to Selves

2 Do not return to MIP

3 Do not file reports before checking with Team

2 Do not talk to family

5 Do not think about law

5 Do not speak to or contemplate MIP

7 do not contemplate prescription medications

6 Stay home

5 Do not contemplate the general community

4 Dot not misplace anger

4 be careful with the sense of humor

1 Keep noise down

5 Do not get creative with dealing with the past

4 Do not try to help people atm

5 do not worry if internet connection comes in and out

5 if password reset links randomly show up, contemplate the positives and negatives of filing reports or saying weird things.

4 Mind my own business

    That said, a thank you to my team for listening. I'll be quiet now. This is waaaaay too much like "The Departed"... from numb to very aware. No longer care. Not my business. I am not a federal agent. I am not undercover. I am minding my own business. Now I'm retired from medicine AND law enforcement. What else can I retire from?

    I'd like to remind everyone to be aware that my hearing is excellent. Maybe Going deaf is a good idea...

    This was so much more interesting at a theoretical level. I'm going to think about my life choices, take some vacation.

    A note to charities: Please don't call. I don't actually have any money. I appreciate what you do, really, but I am literally broke and I'd rather spend the money tipping the delivery guy.

7:2

Oceans apart, day after day

And I slowly go insane

I hear your voice on the line

But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never

But how can we say forever?

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted all the times

That I thought would last somehow

I hear the laughter, I taste the tears

But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it, baby?

You've got me going crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive

This romance

But in the end, if I'm with you

I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it, baby?

You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

My Dream

    So all this talkin bout dreams... I've lived here a long time. I had hoped to do something for the city... maybe use my words... it's a beautiful city... so many different people... if I can remember enough... maybe write a little... help people know this city... it's more a matter of recall. 

    The memories are there, the psychologist at Clarity said. She said i can't access them, they are blocked.  I can't see the big picture. If I can piece it together, maybe the city can see what I see... so, I guess that's the thing I feel i can't give up. My personal resentments are a smaller thing. My concerns about prescriptions... somewhere in-between. 

    So maybe I can put a few rocks down, grab that chisel... hopefully, give people a good idea. Just don't ask me for names. People gotta live here.

Elle + Leaves

My friends,

    You got me to here. I want you to know that you are safe. There is no danger. I made it this far. 

    Do not worry. Molly has me with Coffee Pudding now. They are going to help me. I need to resolve this issue with the old guard. Please be patient. And do not worry. I believe Malacheck's death is suspicious. I'm very concerned about the medical decisions that were made. Some of the medications prescribed. I want our home to be safe. For everyone. 

    It will be ok. I hope I can trust my community to let me understand what happened. Why Malacheck is dead. What these medications did to my mind. Are they safe to be used this way. I was a minor. Decisions were made without independence. I want to understand. I want everyone to be safe. I need you to trust me. You know me. You know I don't want you harmed. That is not who I am.

Ashes and dust

Break in

There may be a few more reasons the hospital gets frustrated. 

I had been there so much. I knew every square inch. That's not good. 

Then. The strange behavior...

The child eats, sits, sleeps.

The communicator talks too much. Tries to make friends. It was her idea. Blame #2. It wasn't me. 

The gatekeeper is cryptic. Sorry, guys, this person is closed. Move Along Please. 

The helper tries to help everyone Well, you know at crisis line we did this and that or have you heard of this resource here? Well, maybe quetiapine isn't right for you?

The solver is thinking... You know, maybe they'll give me another Bipolar again. Man, Another diploma. F'hD. I passed Cyclothymic. I reached both I and II. Or maybe a GAD again? That worries me. 

The continuing is on vacation on the outside. Sorry guys. Need some sun. Got some cooking to do. Love to Chat, On the flip side.

The Protector is acting like security. Uh, Hey fellas we shouldn't be saying that to so and so. Not Cool.

The Unitary is on vacation on the outside (whistling)

    They have predictable patterns. I do too. They want me to learn to "advocate". Help myself. Because these functions happen in different pockets of memory in the brain. I've had so much mental manipulation and medication that my memory is divided. When I am in the world, every moment is happening to 8 different pockets. So... Let's say I process about 1/8 or 12.5% as fast as other people. From a ten day of hospital time being charted at 4.5 PPH I can remember the same 12.5% of what happened at any given time. Well, if only two of me were there then technically 6 of me can remember 16.67% of what happened separately and have to confer with both the two playing hooky until the 8 of me agree on what happened.

    So, the 8 of me have to chat for a while, figure out what we can do better, consult with the PA and the Counselor, who probably got the same 600 pages of reading material. Then hopefully the Cooperation for the Improvement of Me can develop another battle plan. In case #2 talks our way in again. She's persuasive it seems. Anyways, we need some time to think. Why did I let her talk them into this? Number 7, I'm disappointed in you. I trusted you with her. You let her talk her way into MIP again? REALLY? Dude. Not cool. Man, we need to see other people. C'mon. Dude, you could have... I dunno... The labs did come back abnormal at the ER... But the aceto level was low, CO2 low... Maybe those baby aspirin the internist stopped. White blood cells were off. Something was going on. So now we got tylenol instead. careful with anti-inflammatory drugs. So, I guess we need more neural connections between the pockets of memory. 

    So, I gotta talk to myself more, until I can remember what I did more clearly. Cuz it's kinda embarrassing. I'm a little worried I may have done something we would regret. You know, like contact someone we cared about. Or say something strange. Or, you know, Say we were thinking of harming someone out of fear. Or, you know, something we did one of the other dozen or so times we were there. It's not clear why we don't talk more. But I hope it gets clearer soon. Because I'm frustrated. I'd like to be more active. I'm trying to be patient. Some activities are a little blocked. 

    I have 8 names. They have natural forms and names and numbers. Like computer Avatars. There was a 9th. The total number is not certain. So the response can vary based on who I am. I worry about the future. I worry because I'm not sure many there are. But there seems to be at least 8 now. So I need to focus on transferring memory and internal communication and getting myself to flow together. 

The Reason Why

    So, I was thinking. As usual. And I figured out the reason why the hospital staff alternated from confused to amused to frustrated.

I generated 600 pages from one ten-day hospitalization. Let me unpack...

600 pages / 10 days = 60 pages of charting/day

60/ 24 = 2.5 PPH (pages pages per hour)

No wonder they were annoyed. 

    But i got souvenirs. They were so kind as to mail my counselor a 600-page book of charting to review. She's still working on it. I wonder what I was like? She says it's mostly consistent with what she was told. She and my coffee must be good friends. Coffee is kinda hot. Of course I tell them everything, so they must be meant to be together. I hope they keep in touch. 

Safety/Threats

I thought I would explain threats of Harm in relation to Dissociation. 

When someone with a dissociative disorder feels overstimulated or high adrenaline, they feel unsafe. For me, I activate the kill switch. I tell someone that seems safe. A professional. No one is in any danger.

Dissociation is much like sleepwalking. Acting on past memories. It's not the same as psychosis, but it looks similar. 

I figured out why I said I was thinking of harming my counselor. The same reason I told that employee at MIP i was thinking of harming her all those years ago. Activating the kill switch. The hospital had a half dozen security there. They gave me a shot of antipsychotics, moved me to IMU. Later, I felt safe again, and i was around her again. She was never in danger. I don't remember her name.

But there is a law requiring notification of the person threatened. I knew that. I just wanted my counselor to know I was feeling unsafe. I felt like they were not letting me talk to her. So, I said i was thinking of hurting her. I had done that before. Maybe they contacted her. Maybe she explained. Maybe not. They don't tell me everything. Observing someone over time, you can learn their patterns, even without Dissociation. They are highly alert, just not present or aware.

Some of my talkers have been white, some black, some Hispanic, some Asian. Women or soft-spoken men mostly. I like diversity. My current talkers (including their teams) are rather diverse. 

Dissociation happens every day, all around the world. People that have PTSD, DID, Borderline... no diagnosis at all... call it living in the past, call it sleepwalking, dementia, whatever you call it... medication is not great for it. Grounding. The right sensory input. Sometimes you need someone different to do it.

Someone with DID is sleepwalking in a major way. Living in the past. Repeating patterns. I think that Gabapentin makes this worse. Benzos can too. Minipress. Red pill. Minipress can bring you down, but if you're on a large dose, and you come off, then you're walking around looking for what you were doing before. Like with Leaves of September. I was looking for a while. I came off Minipress and I was looking for a while. I bought that gun because I was afraid. I didn't want to be lost forever. I wanted to keep me here. Adrenaline. Dissociation. Patterns. I don't know if the Matrix was referring to Minipress and Propranolol, but one is red and the other is blue. It can be alarming if you don't know what you're looking at. Being calm is the best strategy. Making threats raises adrenaline. Yelling raises adrenaline. There was talk during covid of safe zones. Same concept. People become alarmed, they act on the past. Sometimes there is no danger. People become afraid of Protectors, but that's not really how it works. See, a protector can protect anyone, or even groups of people. It's a safety function. People with conflicting patterns can be dangerous together. Other times people with similar patterns are dangerous together. That's why we talk about systems. Whether internal or external, parts have to flow together. Sometimes, someone with DID can be around others without it, and those others can get the idea that they have DID. Transference. See, trauma counselors understand this stuff. Austen Riggs understands this stuff. Observing patterns, suggestion, managing projection. Using sensory and intellectual tools. DID can be complex, and the antidote is simplicity. Grounding. Calm. Taking breaks. changing mindsets. Some people call it switching. Taking turns. It can happen internally or externally. 

Roscasch

 I can never forget the Roscasch Test at MIP. I remember the inkblot that sometimes could be a butterfly. I said I saw "male sexual organs". The Test result came back as "internalized anger". 

See that's where I get frustrated. If you're saying a teenager has internalized anger and they mention sexual organs, you should be flagging that person for abuse, teaching them boundaries, and not diagnosing bipolar or psychosis and chemicalizing them. That simply submerges the issue and then they go out into the world with poor boundaries, and they get in trouble.

I'd really like mental hospitals to be more careful with medication and apply better boundaries with patients, especially young adults. Bipolar doesn't come out of thin air. The symptoms are learned. The behaviors are learned. You can't medicate that away. Putting people on antipsychotics for every little thing is the Psychiatrist's insanity. They see what they want to see in what a patient says. They project their DSM. And then they release chemically numbed patients on society to wreak havoc. Doing that with adults is one thing. Doing that with anyone under the age of 20 is very stupid. Creating mindless zombies with submerged issues is dangerous. Clozaril was taken off the market, put back on. I'd like to see it permanently removed. It will destroy your body if it does not destroy your mind. Permanent disability. Neverending burden on society. That's if the Agranulocytosis doesn't kill you first, then you worry about all the other bodily systems, the submerged issues, etc. These people may not kill themselves. They may still overdose on three medications picked up from CVS within hours of being released, however. So, if you don't kill the patient while they are still in the hospital, they may be dead within days, they may survive years, but even if they do, they will be permanently disabled and a burden on society. That medication makes zero sense. ZERO. At least Seroquel simply numbs you out. Not quite as dangerous. And the ER and ICU staff tends to resent caring for OD'd patients from local mental hospitals. I don't blame them. 

Springbrook

 I was thinking about Springbrook. There were problems. 

The nursing staff was incredibly gossipy and HIPPA was violated every single day. It was revolting. Something is interesting. Something's hearing is too good. But they need something to talk about, I guess. Awareness is helpful. But mindless gossip teaches the wrong things. It actually encourages Mindlessness. If you don't know what you're talking about, don't talk about someone in the building. You teach the wrong things. 

The male attending psychiatrist needs sensitivity training. It's disgusting to see a man standing his workplace, literally in the middle of a public patient area, unloading about one of his patients to a staff member. Absolutely appalling. It's appalling when you lie to patient's face. Claiming to know a family member that you simply do not know is just stupid. Not helpful. And unethical. Attendings get desensitized. They say weird things. One blonde resident they used simply to pass on lies. It wasn't helpful. Using a resident because she is attractive is not helpful. It sends the wrong messages. And it was sad to see her get used like that.  Another two were very insightful, but one allowed a gabapentin prescription that decreased awareness in the subject and disinhibited behavior. It was not continued. Gabapentin is dangerous. The other got pulled into manipulations from different persons. She must be tired. The male resident was too smart to be pulled into the bullshit. He let the blonde be used. It was sad. Doctors should not be used based on appearance. 

The head social worker made an incredibly inappropriate speech. It was disgusting. Going on and on about her qualifications and being an LPC and this is how you do this and that... Way beyond her qualification level for teaching a large group of patients. Dangerous to try to teach so much personal information to a group of people. Not relevant to the situation at hand. LPCs are not meant to try to have a group counseling session in a hospital setting. She may have had Knowitall Personality Disorder. But she doesn't normally do groups. She shouldn't try. She tried teaching a lot of nonsense, a handful of realistic skills mixed in. But then patients will remember which parts? Dangerous to go freestyle in a group setting. 

What I do appreciate is that the nutritional options actually seemed better then MIP. Less education but better options. Also, the staff was observant when I was placed on gabapentin, which can actually be worse than benzodiazepines because it disinhibits and can increase dissociation. When someone with a trauma disorder is placed on gabapentin, it can change behavior dramatically. It decreases awareness dramatically. It is not safe for Dissociative disorders. Not safe at all. If Dissociative disorders have a cause other than real life trauma, I think medications like minipress and gabapentin would be it. Dangerous stuff. I was on a very high dose of both at different times. Now I have DID. Gabapentin is one of the worst. All sorts of psychological issues and phantom physical symptoms. It's guide lined for nerve pain and seizures but was used improperly for bipolar and is sometimes used for anxiety (GAD). Very dangerous. GABA supplements are available over the counter. They affect the same system. I try to take them only at night for sleep. Not during the day when my mind is active and my body too. They help with stress and pain but disinhibit behavior, cause drowsiness, decrease awareness. Best for when you're sleeping. Melatonin helps with that too. Inositol (B8). Natural, non-chemically modified.