Hospital just habbing a tizzy fit obber Elle. I've known where she lives for years. So what? I knew where leaves was. Where molly was. So what? Thats what I don't understand. They were all right here. Big deal. 

Spidey kneads his black widow. Gedding too old for dis.

You knooooooow....

    That gives me an idea. What they need is a dating service that specializes in psychiatric nurses and mental health techs. 

    Di hospital got concerned because one night, Spidey was talking to di staff... said how much he appreciates Elle. And dey said, oh, you mean Elle *lastname*? Knot spideys fault dey gab spidey her last name. 

    Wellllll.... didn't take long. Background check. Der she was. She lives down the road. Not far. Not far at all. Dats why I knew I needed counseling. When I say she understands trauma... I'm not kidding. The background check said it all. So that's why the hospital worries. But really. I've known where she lived for years. Never went there. Had to delete. Spidey gets a liddle mixed up. Di nurses... sometimes dey understood. Sometimes knot. Leaves understood. 

    I'm not always good at talking to people, and family can be difficult. They don't get it. Not at all. They'd rather lock me up. Force medicate. Makes talking to them difficult. They totally don't get it. Not even close. I always liked mental health workers. They understand better. Usually. I guess im feeling a liddle hung up. On the tech. I don't remember her name. I can't keep going back to these hospitals. I keep getting attached to the workers. I'm worried about it. And so are they. I cant keep getting attached to nurses and techs. It becomes a problem. 

    Then last time one tried to hug me. And I said I couldn't. For that exact reason. I keep thinking about the technician. I don't really know anything about her. It's getting too complicated with these hospitals. I need to stay outside.  I'm getting too old for this. They wanted me to come back in. And what? Here i am again? I'll take technician #4? They said I was not sounding very clear. But I'm tired of the back and forth. Tired of the med carousel.  Tired of the families. Tired of the name. They're all trying to fix me. Tired of that too. 

    Ebbyday, Spidey tink, wun day Spidey pind his black widow. Spidey like di blue eyes. Nice smile. Berry nice. Spidey get a liddle wrapped up in di sweet ones. Maybe spidey like di nurses too much. But. Dey understand spidey. Dey hab seen di dark side ob tings. 

    Spidey used to get in trubble at di hospital. Said Spidey couldn't hug di nurses no more. Den he went to di udder hospital. Damn place said di same ting. Dat was apter Spidey hugged twee or phor. Dey got radder annoyed. Now dey don't like di poems needer. 

 

Spidey's back wooooo wooooooooo!

 I'm getting a little hazy. I'll have to come back to this one.

admission, p1

     It was June. Jessica had arrived at the hospital per the instructions of the psychiatrist. The sun was shining down on the campus and the parking lot was as full as always. Hospital staffers would hurry along on dedicated pathways between buildings in ones and twos. The light was faded from her eyes, but she had that spark that would not die. She hiked up her backpack of clothes and walked up the steps and under the archway towards the main unit. To the right and left, the mauve brick and brown doors of the  wings surrounded her. her footsteps and the distant sound of traffic filled her ears. To her left, the glass wall of the cafeteria came up... the outpatient office on the right, visitor's entrance on the left. And now she had reached the glass sets of double doors that was North Wing. They were expecting her, she had been told. 

    They came and let her in, the admitting nurse, a nurse by the name of Frank, a muscular man with dark skin and a tattoo. Light blue scrubs. As she entered the unit she saw many patients there. Other nurses walked around in their light blues, techs in the navies, red scrubs were... docs? I don't remember... patient observers navy blue... the nurses station had been put behind plexiglass years ago, to the right was Southwing, then to the left the hall leading to the rest of the unit. Behind the nurses station was the old children's unit, converted into IMU... Intensive management unit. The pharmacy room was ahead and to the left, a supply room to the left, and the old kitchenette area which no longer had food was ahead and to the right with a door leading to the courtyard with its tall wooden fence and cameras. All the doors with the key card locks. South wing was geriatric. The "rest of the unit" consisted of about three therapy rooms, some offices, a gym, some bathrooms, the cafeteria, the visitors area, and the old fireplace room. 

PIM

    Time for some reverse psychology. This should be fun. I love fucking with people. Since they keep inviting me back, I'll do an imaginary hospitalization. That way it can go perfectly, and the insurance won't even have to be involved. Let's see... we'll have all of the me's there. all 8. even numero ocho. Jess usually gets things started. Or should we make it more interesting? I've got an idea. They like to talk about this "danger to self or others." Let's be both. Oh wait. #1 doesn't qualify for the adult unit. sooo... 2-8. Oh I've got an idea. Perfect. I think 5 has OCD. I wonder if I can remember the schedule? probably not. 

    Let me pick out some staff... there's krystal... we can call that guy Rick... there's red... Kat? ... i can call him Frank... I don't remember her name... we can make her a heather... Arson, small... I'll add an angela... let's have a melissa... we can have a Kyle... let's do a weekend... I'll put a Jo in the cafeteria... I just want to see how realistic I can make this... Ah, Anna... can't have a hospitalization without Anna... I'll let Elle be on vacation. I'm gonna let them be short staffed. Maybe Kenzie can rotate in. Oh. rec ther... Let's make her a tammy... gonna fictionalize a bit. 7 me's... i'll put 7 in IMU. 8 will be near southwing with 4. 2 and 6 can be on the other hall... finally, 5 will be near IMU and 3 will be between 8 and 5. Ok, we'll all ready to be recommitted... in absentia...

How it Ends...

    So, I guess I don't qualify for FDIA because I have, in fact, had mental illness. But the way I figure it, there's a few ways this could end for me.

1. I prove to be such a public embarrassment that either my family (not likely) or the hospital system (becoming somewhat likely) says fuck it, we don't want to play anymore

2. I die

3. DSS or law enforcement intervenes (yeah, right)

4. certain people seek counseling voluntarily (not likely)

5. I cut off contact with my family and use Bon Secors if necessary. (Becoming likely)

6. I move away (not financially possible)

    Otherwise, I will be highly medicated and always get the blame and they will always try to fix me. I just don't know how they will ever be happy. We've been doing this so long. I've been through so many hospitals. It's just ridiculous. I am the one they couldn't perfect. Oh well, back to keeping up appearances. I've got a headache and I've been nauseous with all this. I just don't understand the purpose here. I mean, I guess it works out well for them for now, until the next hospitalization. It's hard to see how there won't be another one. These people never, ever give up. 

    I don't see how it just goes away or gets better with the dysfunctional social relationships still alive. Theres no drug, support group, treatment program, center, or hospital that can cure half of a disease. You gotta treat the whole thing. Im still young enough that I could have a life. Unless im just completely out of touch with reality. In which case im truly screwed. Because they've tried to help me. And its not getting better as far as I can tell.

FDIA

     I think I do have FDIA. I know my family and the hospital both check this website. I know this for a fact because they both use information that I only post to the website. And my family tries to fix me and the hospital tries to fix me. Because I'm the name. And I have to look perfect. 

    When things go wrong, they get to look like heroes for fixing the name. Not enough to ship me out of state. Not enough to do ECT, VNS, rTMS. We gotta perfect. And have someone to blame when it's convenient to do so. But no, the FDIA just won't shut up and play along. He won't be his bipolar and suck it up like a good insanity. 

    I think it's fucked up. I think I deserve space and privacy and choices. I think they just can't give up control. They'd rather have me living in their doll house. What I need is a plan to buy the house or to move. A realistic, black and white plan. And some privacy. So I can focus on something other than interhospital warfare. 

    Eventually, one side or the other has to get sick of the chaos and put a stop to it or I'll die. And what will they do then? Who will they fix? No, they like the money and the reputation and to be seen as heroes for fixing me. I think it's dangerous.

War and Peace

    I have some personal business to resolve. It gets complicated. Because I do know my families rather well and I'm caught between them. The one family owns the building I live in and the other family owns the hospital and the building with the first family's name on it. Who is protecting whom, here?

    They keep inviting me back to the IOP and the inpatient. I think of inpatient, and I think of World War One and trench warfare. We know each other too well. But part of me pictures a "Christmas ceasefire" type moment. A moment in which people come together to acknowledge that we're all human and that we don't want to fight anymore. 

    Another part of me sees them as too interested in protecting my family and not actually working for me. Funny thing is, I actually like Arson. Small is sweet. But what I need is to not be overmedicalized, not be caught between families, and focus on doing something productive in my own life on the outside. Being around my families destabilizes the heck out of me. Far too many appearances to maintain. I thought I was free but in fact I am very controlled. 

    I'm worried that if I went inpatient, it would become a legal battle. They've already been threatening. Some staff refuse to work with me. There's only one person that is 100% independent. And both families hate her. Because both families fight over me. The biological one and the corporate one. It makes no sense. And I've tried DSS and FBI and no one wants to do anything. 

    So, the ball comes back to me. A lot of lives were saved at that hospital. And I'm glad for that. But my families are rather addicted. I feel like I need more alone time. I need to continue to try to focus on myself and my home. Being around one family makes me physically sick at this point. 

    If I'm applying game theory... the outpatient program creeps me out because I have to go near MIP without being in MIP. Weird how that works. Being in MIP, it depends on the communication. Hopefully, I can give the medication more time. If I can avoid my families and do well on current medication, I think that would be best for everyone. Because there's a lot of resentment around me. Maybe given time, we can desensitize, and we can all move on. 

    It's just that there's certain people that I trust their advice. Some of them work for the hospital. I just don't like going near the place. Too much history. I don't understand my families. I'm worried about spending time around any of the people that I have known. 

    Sometimes I do think about moving. Sometimes it seems like the best solution is to leave. Let my families fight without me in the mix. Maybe they'll have less to fight about. It's so weird because so much of this is in the past and yet I'm not the only one holding on. They want to hold onto and memorialize the legacy and if I don't pay absolute fealty to the myths and legends then it's blasphemy. 

    I need to stay out of this dynamic, but on the outside. I need to take care of my home and make some money and find someone. I'm getting much too old for this. People are getting bitter. And if I can't focus on my own work and my own personal business, then I'm no good to anyone. 

Vhere is zee Bloodstand?